Do You Know What It Feels Like?!?-VENTING- ~* MAY TRIGGER*~ *Graphic* * Bad Lang

[ScaredGirl1992]

Do you know what it's like  to completely hate yoursef? And not just a little I mean COMPLETELY hate yourself to the point of being physically sick? DO you know what it's like to be hurt so bad growing up you can't even trust any human being that " Trys" to help? DO you know what it's like to have so many Panic & Anxiety Attacks you just want to DIE?? Do you know what it's like to  cut your OWN flesh just so you can relieve the pain on the inside? The pain no one can SEE? DO you know what it's like to starve yourself because your FAT and WORTHLESS .. DO you know what it's like to take 14 showers a day just to get the scum of assholes who have hurt you off your body ? DO you know what it's like to brush your teeth 35 times a day because your scared the ppl who hurt you and put things where the SHOULDN't GO left  residue on your teeth? Do you know what it's like TO NOT be normal? DO you know what it's like to shake in fear..Thinking  "He's coming up the stairs to get some"? DO you know what it's like not to have ANY family whatsoever.. The only family I ever knew hurt me so bad I don't even know who I am.. Do you know what it's like to be r*ped on a daily basis for the first 18 years of your LIFE every DAMN day and not being able to escape??? Do you know what it's like to be whipped with a b*lt and told HOW BAD YOU're? Do you know what it's like to NEVER be good enough ??? Do you know what it's like to have the people who are supposed to l*ve you and take care about you hate your guts.. And wish that you were never born??? Literally told everyday those exact words... "What good are you", "Nobody could ever l*ve you" "Fat worthless 0107".. And other names I can't even MENTION.. DO you know WTF it's like to be pregnant at the ages of 13 ,16,17 & 18  and lose YOUR babies.. The only GOOD things that would have came out of all the bad... Because your body is so mutilated and torn you can't even carry past the 4th month of pregnancy ... When you didn't even want the s*x to begin with it was forced upon you with No choice!!!!!! DO you know what it's like to LOSE your voice to the point where you can't even communicate with the f-KING world without a writing or typing device?  To take so many blows to one side of your head that you lose your hearing completely in 1 ear.. Only leaving you able to hear out of 1 Ear.. ONE is better then none , but point being YOU DON'T always know when someone is HURTING... HURTING so bad internally .. When all they do is put their problems aside and try to help others while  trying to help themselves.

I'm that girl and almost 3 years ago to the day, that was  PART of my life. I have come a long way despite it all.. I may shower 14 times, I may brush my teeth 35 times.. I may clean everything  over and over , until it's right, BUT I'm alive and you know what?? SOMETIMES I don't want to be the thoughts are overwhelming , but I shove them aside and keep pushing thru.. I may be a negative self - centered bitch as most call  me nowaday. BUT IF anything I say can help atleast ONE PERSON .. I'm completey happy with that and all my pain  and suffering would be WELL worth it. I'm sick of explaining myself.. I'm sick of feeling like I have to prove who I am and WHY I do what I do. OCD is a bitch, MPD is a bitch, BDD is a bitch, Anxiety & Depression are a bitch, Self - Harm is a  bitch among other things I won't even get into.. But I'm here. I'm in therapy and I'm  TRYING to gain the 18 years of my life that I lost back...I'm not perfect..I make mistakes like the average human..

Reach out to someone, you never know how much the need it or how much they truly appreciate it.. Never know you may  be the only person who has ever offered them any act of kindness such as an ear or a shoulder to cry on. The kindest people can have the MOST hurt . Don't judge a book by it's cover READ the pages inside first.. No, one becomes this way for NO reason.. I  will one day BE free of all torment.. And I know now more then ever to stay bottled up and never share anything, with anyone  any further ever again...

[PinkIcePrincess]

Hello Scared,
  I have seen you in chat and watched you help many people and to me you are so strong to even keep going with what you have been through in your lifetime ,no child should ever go through what you went through but sadly many have and more will again so it is People like you that do need to speak up and talk about this stuff and make people aware it goes on and many out there suffered in silence all their life and many will again unless they know it is ok to talk about all this and it is ok to get help or take meds if needed...
 I can not say I know what it feels like trust me and I wont try at all !! you deserve to be happy and to live a full happy life and if you do not wanna share your life story with anyone you do not have too but if you do many wanna listen and learn and be aware to help others out somehow even if by listening..
  Will you ever forget the past No, no one does at all some may handle the past better than others but most do not they suffer in silence and just get by .
  Your not alone at all because like I said many have suffered like you and will continue unless we as humans start standing UP and saying ok this is not right how can we help the children out there now going through this or any adult being abused what do we do to step in and help out how do we get people to talk and help them...for me I kept it hid that i was molested as a child until I turned 43 I think and then I told my Parents ,Dad said he didn't wanna hear about it or who it was and my Mom cried and said she had been through the same thing and was so sorry she didn't know..but that was it nothing can be undone that happened ...many things happened in my life that was not good but nothing compared to yours and No we should not compare but Your life has been Hell for you and if people wanna call you names and treat you bad then only You can say NO and go for help or ask for help...I know you said you do not talk and I see why,therapy is awesome and I do hope you stick with that .
 Please know not all people are bad or out to hurt you at all becaus in Chat you are liked ok..and we hope you do come back. I know I do!!
  Please don't shut down ok come out and show the people that hurt you that YOU are better and will not let them define you or conform you and the only way to get better is to keep up the fight and keep pushing to get better...you are a gift!!
  I will never judge you ever and if you feel you need 100 showers a day then I will say take one because I am the opposite I am scared of showers so I can go several days without one..so I have many issues that most do not know about and most don't care to even ask...I share with those that i know will really listen and that is rare.. I have very little support at home or from friends so I do set alone alot and stay in chat so I wont feel alone.

  I am facing the brain surgery like you and I am scared but most will say Oh you will be fine or are your sure its just not your imagination?? seriously I wanna go through the screen and punch someone for asking me that ...or another one is so what if they shave your head its just hair!! ok well shave your head and have a tumor and let me know how easy it really is??? I have very thin hair and I am 47 so my long hair means something to me and I dont care if it is just hair it is mine!! I have a thyroid problem and hormonal issues so growing it back will be hard if at all.. so wish people would understand that.. but I guess I may not understand alot either.

 Well I am rambling but I read your post and needed to just say how cool I think you are and how sad I am that you lived this life like that and what you go through everyday is hard on you but guess what I admire you I do because you are probably one of the strongest human beings I have ever met online and if I can help you in any way possible I will!!!  I am not the sharpest tool in the shed but I will sure give it a try!!

Take care Scared and know we want ya back in chat!! we enjoyed you and you helped many too!
PinkIcePrincess

[aprilshowers]

Sounds like you have had such a hard life.  You really sound courageous though and i am glad that therapy seems to be helping a bit.  I cannot say that I have experienced the same things but I can relate to the panic, the obsessions and the self harm.  I too have had therapy and it has helped a lot but one of the most powerful tools I've learned about it mindfulness and how to live in the hear and now.  Read up about it on the net and it may help a little.

[sky3942]

Scared I thought you were writing parts of my life. I am glad you can vent and talk about it I still have difficulty with it. But I have come to terms with some of the issues. Until my mother passed away I could not forgive her for all she did to me. But I have forgiven her for so many reasons number one she is human and had so many difficulties in her life also. I use to have horrific nightmares they were awful. One night I was dreaming about a incident when I had to stand behind the front door for over 8 hours no food or bathroom breaks I was crying and I brought in my grown self into the dream and picked myself up and hugged her forever it seemed after that I never dreamed that dream again. Also I wrote letters angry sick letters to people who did things to me when I was small. I burned them and some of the pain went away. I will never be truly healed and I have so many problems but I am in a better place so I know how you feel and I feel your pain. Feel free to message me anytime. And I am sending you a big warm hug for as long as you need it with love!!!!

[Happy sailing]

Wow...
I am SORRY for all you have been through!
All I can say is I am glad therapy is helping you!!!! 
I also want to say, that I also want you to get healing in your sleep as Sky3942 has talked about!!
I do not want to say anything that you might find offensive.  However, may I say that I want for you healing and hope and peace and joy and life!! You deserve all of this and only all good things.
Hugs! 

[Happy sailing]

Side note... To Sky3942..
I am sorry for your troubles as well.
I am glad you are getting healing, including during your sleep.
I also want for your healing, wholeness, peace and joy etc.
Hugs to you as well..