Hello, I guess I'll start with who I am, and then the story.
I'm 23 years old, male, and living in Indiana.
I have a mitral valve prolapse, Aortic stenosis, and will eventually have to have my Mitral valve replaced.
I had my first panic attack when I was 18 sitting in a passenger seat on a hot summer day in Ft. Wayne, Indiana.
With these heart conditions I thought I was having a heart attack or my Mitral valve had finally collapsed, so I my then girlfriend rushed me to the ER of the closest hospital.
When I got in they immediately took me in and gave me an EKG, blood pressure, all the usuals, and had me set up an appointment with my Cardiologist, other than that they just told me they thought it was a panic attack.
I was pretty shocked as I had never seen or heard of anyone having a "panic attack" in real life, just thought it was a movies kind of thing, boy was I wrong.
I spent the next week eating one meal a day, and sitting in my apartment shaking and having panic attacks non stop. I can honestly say it was the worst week of my life and it was just the beginning.
So I go to the cardiologist and he gives me a holter monitor for 24 hours to see how my heart is reacting to these panic attacks, so I go back the next day and he gets it back, and says nothing looks to bad and sends me away telling me to talk to a family doctor.
So I head over to my family doctor, and explain the past now two weeks to her, and she kind of just shrugs and says to get some exercise.
I felt pretty let down because I sat there and explained for a long time how I felt while having them, and it didn't phase her at all, while it was controlling my life.
months go by and my then girlfriend of four years gets sick of me having panic attacks all the time, I was having a panic attack, then keeping the anxiety over when the next panic attack would happen, hence another panic attack a viscous and awful cycle.
So inevitably she leaves me after four years of nothing bad ever happening and then boom, I was dropped, since she made more than me, she kept the apartment, and I had to move in with my mom.
I'll start by saying my mom was happy to have me home, I was 18 at the time and had moved out at 16 when I got a job, we always have had a great relationship, I moved out just to have my own place, I basically raised myself because no father and she works 3p to 3a 4 days one week, and 5 the next.
So after a few days she notices somethings different about me and asks me what's wrong so I unload on her, and she says she'll take me to see a psychiatrist, so I go see one and he has to be about 75 and could hardly move. He tells me the same thing, exercise and fresh air.
I guess I should say that I'm 5'8'' and back then was 150 pounds, I was still in good shape from being on the swim team in highschool and I did exercise.
So a few more weeks go by and i'm just doing awful panicking and sleeping less and less because it always gets the worst at night, my mom getting frustrated and running out of options buys me a 6 pack of beer ( I know not the best idea on her part but I guess she was at her wits end and wanted to see me care free for a night )
So I drink it and feel great, better than i've felt in months, the problem is the next day, back to having panic attacks, so I do what I think is best, and ask my friend to buy me some beer, the next few months go on like this, drinking every day.
As time passed I was getting out of shape, I started smoking cigarettes when I drank, then all the time, and just kept drinking and smoking, which in turn made my anxiety go through the roof.
It's impossible for me to hold a job, and the longest i've held one is 8 months of waiting tables for a family owned restaurant that understood that if I panicked they'd just let me go home, so I really didn't make any money.
The same cycle has been going on for 5 years now, but I got lucky 3 years ago and met an old friend from high school and she's been great, I've been able to hide most of the anxiety from her, but she knows and knows it happens almost every night, just not to the extent, and over time she cut me back on drinking by copious amounts.
She's 5 months pregnant with m child now, and i'm down to drinking 0-3 times a week and only a 6 pack now instead of half of to a full bottle of sailor jerrys.
So now I want to turn my life around and try to get rid of this, but I feel so powerless i've been to multiple doctors now that I have health insurance thanks to my mother, but no doctors will even think about medication because it's controlled and since i'm so young still they think I'm in there just trying to get a script to abuse it.
I think I'm dying or having a heart attack 30-40 times a day, can't sleep, and when I do its either for 3 hours or 12 hours, I've started to exercise again by going on walks with her now that she likes to walk, since its good for the baby.
I've skipped a great amount of stuff, like I sit on the computer playing video games almost all day every day, which is horrible for me.
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, hopefully tonight will be a night I don't lay in bed for two hours or so just freaking out to finally wear myself down and fall asleep.
TLDR; my life has stopped since I started having panic attacks / extreme anxiety about everything, I have no idea what to do about it, and what, if any options there are out there since I've tried going to multiple doctors with nothing that helped.