I Feel Like My Whole Entire Body Is Filled With... Tumors?!

[8rittany]

22. Female. Mother of two. Wife.
Sick and twisted.

Sometimes, like... uhm, right now -- I can almost swear that my whole entire body is *filled* with tumors. Yeah, I've got to tell you guys: I don't know how we do it, live the way we do. SUCKS!!
Anyway, I'm sure I'll write quite a few more posts as the days pass by. However, this post is about lymphoma. Ready? Here it goes.

I have a firm/semi-movable/bean-shaped enlarged "lymph-node" behind my right ear (the SAME side as my thyroid nodules.) It is located on my mastoid-process bone. I quoted lymph-node, by the way, because I've been told by numerous amounts of doctors that it's a cyst, or a fatty mass. I've had this mystery lump for *years.* I'd say at least around 6-ish years. It's never hurt, besides once -- two years ago, but it got "cured" with antibiotics (the enlarged "lymph-node," however, stayed just that; enlarged.) When it comes to size, I would estimate that it's about the size of a medium-large bean.

Also, side-note(s): I suffered most of my early childhood from severe ear infections and dental issues; still, to this day, I have A LOT of work that needs to be done. Ah, and of course... my thyroid nodules. We won't go there, though. Oh, how could I forget? Bruises. I *always* have at least one bruise at all times. Thing is, they only appear on my lower legs. They are small, hurt, but fade within a week. I have a vitamin D deficiency, I think. I had it a couple years back, that I know. Uh, what else? Heart palpitations, dry skin and cough. My body seems to ache, as well; in random spots.

Fast forward ------------- I have a thyroid ultrasound on the 9th of next month and I just (literally) Emailed my doctor, asking for a CAT/CT Scan. I hope that falls through, though I am extremely nervous. Scared. Terrified. Lost. Confused. Okay, enough rambling - lol. I was already born with a rare eye-defect and go through daily back pain via scoliosis.

Blah.
Trust me, I could vent forever.
If you are reading this, thanks -- really!

[JunoX]

Hello and welcome! Hope you find support and tips on how to live with HA here. You will find a lot of people here with these same thoughts and fears.

[Cattia]

I understand how you feel. I sometimes worry that my body is riddled with cancer that just hasn't been diagnosed yet. The problem with HA is that because we have no absolute way of knowing that our bodies are totally healthy/  we make the default assumption that they aren't. it's a rubbish way to live because we'll never be able to get the reassurance we need. If we get cleared of one thing we'll just move into something else. The truth is that everyone's bodies are full of lumps, bumps and odd sensations, but most people don't even notice them. We just tune into every little thing. I wish I had some better advice, but I do understand how it feels to always be thinking this way.

[MOchp]

Welcome to the site. I'm sure you'll find others here with the same thought pattern and worries as yourself. It is a good place to come and read old threads and post new ones.

[8rittany]

You guys are so awesome, with that said... I "thank you." It's nice to see that I am not alone in this battle, er -- make that war. Anyway, my doctor doesn't want to say "yes" to a CAT/CT Scan just yet, due to the fact that there is a lot of radiation involved with it. I'm oh-so glad that I found this board, though. My doctor is also scheduling me an appointment; just in case we missed anything. Wow, even saying that makes me cringe. Ugh, HA is tearing my marriage apart. Lately, I'm obsessing over thyroid cancer and lymphoma. I tend to ramble quite a bit, so I apologize for that in advance. I witnessed the death of a family member when I was 14-years-old (I was sitting next to her on the hospital bed, watching the whole thing happen.) *I'm not a freak, I swear.* I just, I don't know. Death is real and inevitable. Sometimes I wonder, what is the point of life -- we all have the same destiny in the end, anyway. I look at my kids and get sad with the thought that one day, I won't be there for them. I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me (I bet you ALL can relate to that feeling!)

Doctor after doctor, after doctor... it gets old and fast. I was 16 when I found these lumps and bumps. My whole entire child-hood was robbed from me (it's a depressing, long story.) I was a mother at 15 and didn't have much of a teenage life shortly after that, due to homelessness.

I wish all these worries could fade away. I wish I could feel what it is like to truly be happy... even if for a day. Crying is draining me. Stress is killing me. My hair is even thinning?! Blah.

Thanks everyone.
It's good to know I have shoulders to lean on.
... Well, you know what I mean.

[Vickyandcraig]

The tears fill my eyes lieing here reading this its just how I think only I'm 30 not 22 I think at times I'm rifled with it I've got a fear of the "c" word it frightens me terribly and if I'm not obsessing over that I'm obsessing over my heart it's so sad to think we only get 1 life and its so precious I've just had another baby he's only 16 weeks and I fear death do bad I just want to watch my children grow up and have a family I pray all the time for this to happen its just a guarantee that's we can't have but I desperately need x

[colls22]

Oh wow guys, do I ever understand what you mean. Brittany, child at 15 and then homeless - you've really been through a whole lot at only 22.

I'm going through the "cancer spreading everywhere" fear now myself. I've had the lymphoma fear for a little while due to some lower back pain, but now every time I feel an ache anywhere else in my torso I think to myself, yep, it's in another node now....or an organ. Makes me so scared but also so damn angry at the same time! My gosh, if I'm going to get something I'm going to, and all that freaking out over every little sensation will do is, well, ruin your life.

I feel that the last couple of years have been a total wash, spent in fear, tears, depression, too much wine, etc. I like to think that I'm a strong enough person to just make it stop, but I can't. It's to the point that I'm actually not even happy when one worry goes away, because I know that without fail, another will soon follow.

Everyone agrees that Googling is a bad idea, but I really don't think that some of us, myself included, really realize just how bad it is. With our minds the way they are, symptoms can literally be created by reading about them. That means, every single time we read something about a disease we didn't know before, our clever minds file it away, to be used against us either then, or later, without us even consciously thinking about it. It's all really quite mind boggling.

I think back to why, even though I was a bit of a hypo growing up, I was never, ever this bad, and I honestly believe that's the answer - no symptoms research. I couldn't run to the computer and fill my mind with all sorts of awful possibilities. I think about some of the minor medical issues I went through (aches and pains, psoriasis, etc), and know for certain that with Google, I wouldn't have been able to get over any of them.

Sorry for the rant, this is just something I've been thinking lots about.

[meganrose90]

I am so happy to know that I am not the only mom that feels this way. I am 22 and I live in constant fear of death. Well, I guess I shouldn't really say *live* because how can I really live my life to the fullest if every thought that enters my mind is that I'm going to drop dead in the next few minutes. For the longest time I was convinced I had something like a brain aneurysm or brain tumor because I had *minor* headaches everyday. Then one day I got a flyer in the mail to a Dermatologist office with pictures of melanoma. Not really knowing what melanoma was I of course went off and googled it (very bad idea) and now I'm convinced I have stage 4 melanoma. The crazy thing is, now that I am fixated on melanoma my headaches have randomly disappeared. So this being said, I'm pretty sure it is all in my head but for some reason I just can't believe it. I am constantly seeking reassurance from my friends and family to the point where they are pretty fed up with me. I hope that one day we can all get over this terrible way of living. HA is pure torture.

[laura124]

Brittany,
You are not alone with your HA fears.  It's awful and debilitating.  If there is any way you could start going to therapy I think that would help.  I joined this forum because it was nice to have support from others that feel the same way.  That's a great start!  But in order to get to the root of your fears you must face your past.  It sounds like you have had a rough and turbulent past that must have been very painful.  I'm a believer that painful events that haven't been fully dealt with can manifest itself in the form of HA.  In my experience, it's a "mix" of childhood dysfunctions, rejections, and a dissatisfaction with my adult life choices.  I live with so many life stresses and unhappiness sometimes I feel like I MUST be dying.  There IS a difference between mental illness and physical illness.  You are 22 years old and have a long, bright future ahead of you.  You shouldn't feel like you could be dying.  Talk to your doctor about recommending a therapist/psychologist.  Hope you feel better soon!