Hi:) Sorry you're struggling. Glad you can come here to vent:) Venting is good as we can get some things off our chests, at times.
You have a pretty detailed history of some mental health challenges. This is OK....if you 'let it be OK'. I know when we are deep in the pits, worrying about how we will ever find some brightness in our future, things can seem quite bleak. Just know that there have been so many people come back from the "edge", so to speak. You are NOT 'too far gone', by any means. And, one thing that will certainly fail if you embrace it is - quitting. You just can't stop seeking out what can bring you some lasting peace. I know how our minds can hound us with the thoughts of little hope, so why try anymore. The reason we try is that things CAN get better - this I fully believe.
List out on a piece of paper ANY successes that you have had over the years in your trials with mental health challenges. Times when you felt hopeful about the future. Times when you felt that anxiety (mental health stuff) wasn't overbearing. There are NO small successes that aren't worthy of listing. All you have accomplished counts. Everything counts. No matter how insignificant you might feel a success or an accomplishment is (was), it does matter:)
Mental health challenges can be a bear - no doubt about it. They can get to a point where they seem to be calling the shots, and we seem to be adrift - meandering anxiously without a destination (except MORE fear). Too many peeps have been to the "edge" and have found a way to some solace (that they never dreamed could be there) for it to be totally NOT available to you. This I promise:)
Peace and Feel Well:)