No end in sight. Just a rant by me.

[MyMiddleNameisHypo]

I'm sure everyone on here knows about me and my potential rabies exposure. It has now been 54 days since what I believe was exposure to a bat although everyone else believes it was a dream.

I have been obsessing over it for 40 of those 54 days.

I am angry, frustrated, panicked and scared for my life. There is no more hope and enjoyment left. I literally spend ever waking moment thinking about it. I go to sleep every night afraid that when I wake up in the morning, the symptoms will be there.

I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm not even sure if I can be helped. I increased my Lexapro dosage 2 nights ago. So far I don't feel any better but I know it takes time.

I have recently began having nerve pain in my hand and wrist. Because of all the research I did about rabies over a month ago, I know this could be the beginning of the end.

I know people are tired of hearing about this, trust me - I'm tired of living like this. I just wish I knew if all of this was a dream or not. I wish none of this would have ever happened.

I am losing weight rapidly, my 5 year relationship is nearly completely gone and I have no desire to do anything or see anyone.

[chvys102000]

Your gonna be OK. Everyone on here has something they are going through. You are not alone in this. I can promise you that. If your guy cannot understand then he is not right for you in my opinion. Through thick and thin right. Stay well and find something or someone to keep you occupied. 

[floridaguy65]

Hi:) Sorry you're struggling. Glad you can come here to vent:) Venting is good as we can get some things off our chests, at times.

You have a pretty detailed history of some mental health challenges. This is OK....if you 'let it be OK'. I know when we are deep in the pits, worrying about how we will ever find some brightness in our future, things can seem quite bleak. Just know that there have been so many people come back from the "edge", so to speak. You are NOT 'too far gone', by any means. And, one thing that will certainly fail if you embrace it is - quitting. You just can't stop seeking out what can bring you some lasting peace. I know how our minds can hound us with the thoughts of little hope, so why try anymore. The reason we try is that things CAN get better - this I fully believe.

List out on a piece of paper ANY successes that you have had over the years in your trials with mental health challenges. Times when you felt hopeful about the future. Times when you felt that anxiety (mental health stuff) wasn't overbearing. There are NO small successes that aren't worthy of listing.  All you have accomplished counts. Everything counts. No matter how insignificant you might feel a success or an accomplishment is (was), it does matter:)

Mental health challenges can be a bear - no doubt about it. They can get to a point where they seem to be calling the shots, and we seem to be adrift - meandering anxiously without a destination (except MORE fear). Too many peeps have been to the "edge" and have found a way to some solace (that they never dreamed could be there) for it to be totally NOT available to you. This I promise:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[Echo Hotel]

I'm sure you have done plenty of research on this already, but I'd like to reassure you that the liklihood of you contracting rabies in the US are literally 1 in 311,000,000. Plus you also have to consider the odds that you weren't dreaming this and that there was a bat, and also the odds that the bat carried rabies, and the odds that the bat bit you on the face yet there was no visible mark. These odds, taken together, are so astronomically slim that they are really logically impossible. On top of that, the vast majority of people who develop symptoms do so in 3 weeks or less. You are really, really fine. Your symptoms are due to extreme stress.

It sounds like you might have some stressful life changes occuring and that you are channeling a high level of anxiety into your health. I hope you feel better. Please try to stop thinking that you're in limbo until January. This is NOT real. It's not worth losing your life over.

Good luck and God bless 

[LindaRK]

I looked back at your other "bat" posts ...... nowhere did I see that you were actually bit by a bat.  Were you?  Did you check yourself out after you thought you saw the bat that night? 

[gcalex]

Have you been evaluated medically and what were you told?

[MyMiddleNameisHypo]

LindaRK,

I am not sure if I was bitten or not. Initially I believed it was just a dream so I did not check. Upon waking up that morning I stumbled directly into the shower (half awake) so if there was any blood - I didn't see it.

My biggest issue is, I've educated myself TOO much regarding rabies. A month ago I began "googling" like a mad man - up to 12 hours a day for well over a week.

I've read that the majority of people never ever knew they were bitten. Before that night of the occuurrence I had never seen a bat here - and after that, I still haven't. I've looked everywhere for any signs, even in the attic. Nothing.

On one hand I want to believe that it was all just a dream however, I am having a very hard time believing my brain could just fabricate this stuff. I know that sounds insane since the brain is capable of great things but MY brain has never acted this way before. Does that make sense? I guess I am under the impression that if all of this WASN'T real, then my brain would not keep telling me it was (especially 54 days later). I've also been having some really weird symptoms over the past week - sure, it could all be a coincidence, or my mind playing tricks on me. I don't know.

[MyMiddleNameisHypo]

Gcalex,

Medically evaluated regarding the rabies or my mental health?

In regards to the rabies, I went to the ER last month (the week before Thanksgiving). They told me it was very unlikely and sent me home without doing as much as a basic CBC - even though that wouldn't have showed anything.

In regards to my mental health, I have a 13year history of severe depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, a 2 year history of Hypochondria and a 3 month history of OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am currently in therapy (once a week) and I take 10mg Lexapro and a beta blocker (not for anxiety.)

[LindaRK]

I could give you a really good story as to just exactly what your brain could do - it's pretty incredible, so, yes, your brain CAN do that to you!  Speaking from experience ......

[gcalex]

It seems like nothing anyone here can say is going to shake you free of this fear that has a deathgrip on you. Nobody here was an eyewitness to this probably nonevent so we can only logically suggest that the overwhelming odds are that nothing at all happened, and that apparently does not help you.  But at the risk of a futile suggestion, I would urge you to write down all the evidence you have that supports your theory, and all the evidence that counteracts it, and see what you come up with. 

[gcalex]

By the way how much time has to pass with no clear symptoms before you are going to feel that you are out of the woods?  54 days seems like a long time to me already?

[MyMiddleNameisHypo]

Gcalex,

That's a great idea. I've already written down everything that occured that night to see if I could convince myself otherwise. I also made several spreadsheets (rediculous, I know) stating the rabies in bat cases within my county and the 5 surrounding counties as well as another spreadsheet that lists all of the people who have died from rabies, incubation period, area bitten, symptoms, etc.

In regards to your second post,

Out of the 173 rabies cases over the past 61 years in the USA, the incubation period is between 6-120 days. But the average incubation time is 53 days. *sigh*

[gcalex]

Once you get past this you need to do more for the OCD, like lots and lots of self help and more intensive therapy if possible, just going to therapy passively once a week obviously is not doing it for you.  I am not a meds person but as a rule high doses of SSRIs are needed to treat it, if they help, and you are on a starter dose of Lexapro. 

Do the exercise I suggested.  There is zero objective evidence you have rabies but you need to see that for yourself. 

[sixpack]

what you experienced, imo, is one of those waking type dreams.  this happens time and again when our brains are inbetween the waking and sleeping brain.  we see things or believe things incorrectly.

I know it seems so "unsexy" for want of a better term.  But we anxious often see things in the most rare and unrealistic ways.  Then we search for anything that will back our fear.  I know we often think we are "educating" ourselves in order to correct our thinking, but that is almost NEVER the case.  Our "educating" or rampant googling  just further entrenches the faulty thinking.

I'm not saying this to be mean but this happens more often than not with we anxious:  The sad thing about all of this is that at some point your brain will give up on the rabies issue and you'll feel pretty silly having wasted so much energy worrying about it.