Wishing this could be over...scared of RA, cancer, and a million other things

[sarah3]

I've always had health anxiety but since mid September it has been AWFUL. It started out when I felt some numbness in my left foot. I actually injured that foot during the summer, so I went to a doctor and he told me that it was probably just a left over feeling from the stress fracture I had previously had. The numbness and tingling continued and started to happen other places, like my hands and both feet. This all started during a period of high stress. My mom had a brain tumor when I was young so it really started to freak me out. I called her and she assured me that her symptoms were way worse and that she didn't really have numbness either... but eye problems. I started thinking "oh thank god I don't have eye issues or I'd REALLY be freaking out" WELL a week later I started having sensitivity to light and then within another week my whole vision was clouded with terrible floaters. At this time I was working seasonally in Alaska and planning a two week road trip around the state with friends. Once our work ended we headed to Anchorage to spend a day before we began our road trip. My boyfriend knows about my health anxiety and was a little unhappy with my choice to see an optometrist. Anyway so at the appointment the optometrist told me that my eyes look great but because of my symptoms he still wanted me to see a retinal specialist just in case I had a retinal tear that was so far back he couldnt see it. Well after getting some heat from my friends I refused the referral and headed on a drive up AK and through the Yukon. I spent a whole week FREAKING OUT, catastrophizing that I either had a brain tumor or a retinal tear that would lead to blindness. It actually got to a point where I had intense eye pain and thought I could feel my eye detaching from my retina. I was in the most beautiful place ever and I could barely look out the window without thinking about how sad it would be when I was blind. I actually scared my boyfriend into believing I had a retinal tear and driving me 14 hrs back to Anchorage in one day so I could see the specialist. We arrived at 10pm so the specialist was closed so I acctually went to the ER. They told me I was fine and to just make an appointment with the doctor for the next day. I saw the eye specialist, he told me my eyes looked perfect. told me that if I had a brain tumor they would be able to see swelling in my optic nerve and that I didn't have any. He also told me that I should really try to stop worrying and accept that I am a healthy 24 year old. So I felt calm for a day or so, and we continued on our road trip. but then I started thinking about blood infections or something.. I began to picture myself with a terrible blood infection that would cause me to have to have my arms and legs amputated. I began to get severe headaches that would travel down into my neck and shoulders. Then my hands started turning BRIGHT red with white spots all over them and throbbing terrible. I was convinced that it was  a blood infections and all those white spots were places where my blood was infected. I began to picture the worst. I became obsessed with death. I thought about it constantly. I had nightmares of doctors telling me that had to amputate and then running from the room and up the building and being about to jump off before I'd jolt awake. I hated waking up though. It felt so real. At that point I went the ER in the closest town. The doctor saw me and almost immediately before even asking me about my symptoms asked if I had an anxiety problem because I looked so terrified. I explained to him all of my symptoms, what the eye doctor said, etc etc. He told me that my hands could be Primary Raynauds Disease, and was triggered by my extreme stress level. He told me that the secondary type is sometimes associated with autoimmune disorders but that I dare not google them because "YOU DO NOT HAVE THEM" He sounded very confident and for the first time in a long time I felt at ease. He prescribed me Celexa, a small dose of Xanax until the Celexa kicked in and then Abilify which I couldnt buy because I dont have insurance.

Then a few weeks later, I started noticing joint pain. Bone pain too. and muscle pain. It's not bad, so mild in fact it's hard to even tell if its real or imagined. A few weeks ago my index finger on my right hand felt sore and the joint was slightly swollen and red...although my boyfriend said that it didn't look swollen to him... I started meditating and eventually the Raynauds got better and my fingers didn't hurt. Then I made the mistake of googling...and now my whole body hurts. Sometimes my joints sometimes my bones.not terrible pain, mostly just aching. The type I could deal with if I wasnt convinced I have Rheumatoid arthritis or cancer. I've called my mom and she said the only health condition that I might have that worries her is my ANXIETY. She said she knows I don't have RA and that she feels terrible that I worry so much. My boyfriend said the same thing. I've wasted so much of my money and his money on doctors appointments in the past few months that I'm almost broke so I cant really even afford to go get this checked out. I just wish I could snap out of this. I feel so hopeless...like I'm gonna be miserable forever. I don't know what to do anymore.

[sixpack]

oh IF wishing could solve it all................... there would be no one here on AZ. 

you don't know what to do anymore?  What have you been doing to work through your faulty over thinking?  Doc visits don't count cuz that is only seeking reassurance. Reassurance is the 'drug" of choice for ha peeps.  It won't ever promote lasting solace and, in reality, will get you further entrenched in this thinking disorder.  Because once the "reassurance hit" wears off it only leads to a new round of doc visits or fam reassurance or googling expeditions.

Many meds are not that expensive.  I know Target, where I buy our script meds, has quite a few generics that only cost around $4. 


regarding RA:  my mom has had that for over 40yrs.  your description of your issues doesn't sound anything like what my mom went through in the beginning OR what she goes through now.

re brain tumors:  my dad and sis had them... yeah thinking you had a tumor was you barking up the wrong tree there.


AND

I agree with your mom:  the thing that is worrisome is your anxiety disorder.


believe me if you start working on THAT (the anxiety), things will begin improving for you   

[sarah3]

Just writing my post actually made me feel better because when I reread it the whole thing just screamed "anxiety!!" My boyfriend, family and friends have been so supportive but they are getting to a point where they believe I'm just doing it to myself...and I guess I am. I KNOW that googling symptoms won't help. It never has. But I still do it anyway. I also saw a different doctor about a month ago because I was convinced I had a huge lymph node in my groin and that it was cancer. She felt it and said that I was actually just feeling a muscle and that all of my lymph nodes were fine. My boyfriend has basically said that he would help me go see a psychiatrist or counseler but that's it. The doctor in AK told me that if I was still really worried that I could go get bloodwork done when I got to my winter location, but that the only thing he would even consider wrong with me might be a thyroid condition just because of my intense anxiety, but that he honestly didn't even think it was that. I keep thinking he mentioned bloodwork without specifically mentioning an autoimmune disease just so he wouldn't scare me but to see if I had any serious illness. Again, everyone i've talked to says thats silly and that he only mentioned it to comfort me and that if a doctor truly thought there was something wrong with me he wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it as anxiety. I have a huge fear of doctors and I distrust them too...

I'm going to seek counseling asap. I've meditated in the past, basically just picturing myself healthy both physically and mentally, and it helps when I do it daily. It makes me feel like I have some control in my health and that I'm not just a ticking time bomb ready to explode... I've started reading books on mind body medicine and it really helps too because again, it makes me feel less helpless and more in control.

[floridaguy65]

Hi:) Welcome....know you're certainly not alone in your struggles:)

All that Sixpack said, too:)

Yes, do NOT google....you've already learned how bad it is for HA peeps. It's very compelling as we feel we are gonna find that little bit of info that will ease our worry. Almost never happens that way, though. We don't stop until we are freaked out, typically. And, most importantly, HA peeps have an absolutely, terrifically AWFUL and DISMAL history of self-diagnosing....we are wrong time and time again. And, we simply cannot put what we are reading, frantically, online into the OVERALL context of our health. The 'need' to google is fueled on by our anxiety....keep in mind that our HA is NEVER a protecting force. We feel we are 'protecting' ourselves. Not true. All we are doing is embracing actions and habits that help keep us locked up into cyles of fear. We have to learn how to embrace the good habits and actions and mindsets....and ultimately acceptance and then managment of our mental health challenges. It is so very much possible for us to live well, in accord, with our anxiety issues. They do NOT have to dominate us. They do NOT have to cause huge lifeflow interruptions. Yes, they are there and we have to be cognizant of what we need to do (and not do) in order to best help ourselves. Small 'price to pay' in the longrun:)

I'm going to seek counseling asap. I've meditated in the past, basically just picturing myself healthy both physically and mentally, and it helps when I do it daily. It makes me feel like I have some control in my health and that I'm not just a ticking time bomb ready to explode... I've started reading books on mind body medicine and it really helps too because again, it makes me feel less helpless and more in control.

You JUST posted the above:) The actions you mention above are wonderful. Expand upon these. Knowledge is crucial, as well. A FULL understanding of anxiety and how it grabs us isn't all that important, in the longterm, IMHO, though. Your healing path from it is more vital:) There are many techniques and exercises we can try that offer up a nice possibility of helping us "rewire" our minds back to more trust and strength and security and certainty and LESS fear and doubt. I can tell that you will have a great chance at learning how to best help yourself. I've been in "this game" for many, many years and I can read between the lines of what a lot of peeps talk about (I'm not special, I've just been around anxiety - my own and others - for a long time:). I will tell you what I say here often. To me, it is one of the most important tenets to attempt to fully embrace. And it is: After we have a "you're OK - healthwise" from the Doc, then it is time to move away from further medical intervention and seek appropriate help for the underlying root cause of your struggles. There will be little (to NO) lasting peace from trying to treat a MENTAL HEALTH CHALLENGE through medical intervention. A yearly checkup is vital for HA peeps, though. And, then move away from medical intervention. HA peeps feel this is a "risk". But, in reality, the only true risk is if we do not move away from seeking out continued reassurances that we are gonna be OK in life (HA can bleed over into many facets of our lives, also....it is not ALL about health stuff). We, then, risk living without being the MAJOR definer of our overall well-being. And, to me, that is what life is all about....ME (YOU) calling a great majority the shots....and NOT anxiety:)

Think mental health - your physical health is just fine:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[sarah3]

ughh I haven't even googled today and I want to be positive but with all these aches and my hands turning red and spotty its hard to believe theres nothing wrong with me other than anxiety...I am just so convinced it could be bone cancer...or anything terrible really. The worst part is that as soon as I stop worrying about one illness I become obsessed with another.

[wegngis]

It's been over a month, and I'm wondering if you have an update to your situation.  I read your post with great interest and now my curiosity is piqued for "the rest of the story."

[sarah3]

I havent posted for a few weeks because I am feeling a lot better. Not 100 percent but close. I've made some changes in my life. I've been taking celexa for about a month now, I have stopped googling, and I've gone to therapy. I've started taking vitamins and given up caffeine alcohol and most processed foods and white bread.  I have also been more active.. Taking frequent walks and skiing about 4 days a week. I've read some books about mind-body medicine and realized that my symptoms may be real but they are still caused by anxiety and negative thoughts. I've started meditating for at least 20 mins a day focusing on internal peace healing my body.. May sound silly but it works. Meditation has helped me sooooo much. At the time I posted the original post my mind was consumed with constant thoughts of fear and death. I had nightmares about disease. Now I sleep peacefully through the night. Occasionally I have anxious thoughts but they seem to float on by fairly quickly. I acknowledge them and then think "what a funny thought" and let it pass by. I'm on my way to recovery. Thank you six-pack, gcalex, vardnas and many others for helping me snap myself into reality.

[gcalex]

That is great.  May I ask what you have been reading and what type of meditation you are doing -- e.g. is it guided meditation listening to someone, or just silent medication on your own thoughts?

[sarah3]

Since a lot of my fears have been triggered by mild Raynauds disease I have been focusing on increasing the blood flow to my hands and feet. I lay down listen to soothing music or nature sounds and inhale and exhale deeply while I picture the blood flowing freely throughout my body. It makes me feel warm almost immediately now that I've practiced being completely relaxed. Being relaxed now comes easier. I've also started saying positive affirmations such as "I am healthy and whole." when I notice my hands feeling itchy or getting spotty I put on delicious smelling lotion and tell myself "my hands are perfect. My hands are beautiful." my therapist suggested that

[PennyPanic]

I have RA. Your symptoms don't sound like RA.  Hang in there, I feel your anxiety...I think we all need chocolate or something.

[littlebirds]

Hi there,
I am so sorry that you have been having such a hard time. I actually posted yesterday about my fear of my body pains, even though as assessment showed that I don't have fibro, I have 100% convinced myself that I do, though - even though logic tells me this: I have had anxiety all of my life and this last year I have been hyper focused on my health. We are adopting an sibling set from Africa, and the process has taken much, MUCH longer than we anticipated. Even though we are so excited about this, my anxiety has increased during this long, drawn-out progress with all the time to think, and I have been (am still are) convinced that I will be crippled from firbo, loose my job (I am the bread winner), and not be able to help with our expanded family.... then of course of will either die or be an invalid and my kid's lives will be ruined and my husband and I are headed to divorceville - if I live, that is. ;)

And by the way - I always feel those same feelings in my hands (and feet) when my anxiety hits. I actually always felt that for years and knew it was anxiety - it was just when that feeling/pain went throughout my body that I got freaked out. And if it is Raynoids (which it is NOT) - heck, that is NOTHING! My husband runs a ski program and his family are all huge outdoor winter people and they all have it and have had it for decades. They just pop in a little hand feet warmer and are as good as gold. I say this to put your mind at ease when you mind "goes there", but really.... I am sure you DON'T have it! ;) Good luck!