Hi T, I believe I chimed in here on this thread once before. Sorry you're struggling. I struggled, too, very mightily and have my own issues to this day, to my own extents. I have been moving quite well down a healing path for many years now, though. I am still an 'anxiety peep' (and always will be), as these type mental health challenges tend to not be cured. But, this can be more than OK, as we truly can learn how to live in better accord, alongside, our anxiety issues. Who really cares about the word "cured", anyway? To me, it is mainly about our quality of living and the amount of (and severity of) the lifeflow interruptions that are laid upon us by our mental health struggles. Most of us have been to the 'darker areas' of anxiety and have dealt with some negative things that it can bring in our lives, at times. So, we know what this can be all about and how hard it can be to see our future, when we are currently struggling, with anything but more continued battles and continuous fear....pretty much at the same level, if not worse. We see our future through the prism of our current struggles, so what we see is, often, not a pretty picture. Who WANTS to live in the future with hyper anxiety? Nobody, of course. And, the simple response is that we do not HAVE TO live with hyper anxiety...dominant anxiety...and mountainous lifeflow interruptions. It is quite simple to say, but I do know how painstaking it can be to reach this place in our healing path. One of the main tenets that many HA / Anxiety peeps have a very difficult time in embracing is that our actions and habits matter....they SOOOOOOO matter. Our actions and habits, that are counterproductive to seeking out some lasting peace from anxiety, must be curtailed in order for us to have ANY chance at some LASTING solace. I will give you two of the most detrimental actions (habits) that HA peeps struggle with:
1. Internet searching and hunting (googling) in which we attempt at self-diagnosing and debunking med testing and finding the exceptions to the norm (the odd cases of xyz happening to someone).
2. Continuing to seek out medical intervention after we have been given an, overall, "all clear" - healthwise. Now HA peeps can have health issues just like the general population, also. So, I understand the need to go to the Doc, perhaps. But, the threshold for going to the Doc MUST be set very high for HA peeps, else we can justify going for a myriad of reason, and many times it would be an unecessary trip - ultimately.
There needs to be ZERO googling. There needs to be so little (to no) Doc visits (after we have an "all clear"), other than our standard checkups. Are most HA peeps able to accomplish not doing these things? Well, when struggling, it is a very difficult proposition, to say the least. We feel we are "protecting" ourselves, someway - somehow, by embracing these actions, and we feel that we will, ultimately, find that definitive reassurance that we are going to be OK in our health (in our life, actually). It has been proven time and time and time again that what we are 'chasing', simply, doesn't exist. There really isn't anything that novel (that groundbreaking) about anyone's HA experience that I have come across in 27 years of being an anxiety person, myself, and being involved in support groups and online forums, here and there. I haven't see it all, I'm sure, but I have seen A LOT. And, what I see is an overwhelming amount of HA peeps going through pretty much the same doubt and denial and uncertainty and lack of believing that they can be the major definer of their, overall, well-being, once again. But, with HA (and anxiety issues), eventhough we know other people struggle, we sure can feel that our case is 'different' and that what has been known to work (or at least offer up a good possibility of helping some) just might not work for us (each of us). More doubt. HA is serious 'doubting disorder'.
You said you are on a med? How is this working, currently....your assessment of how it was before vs, after? You said that you are about to begin counseling, correct? Wonderful...when might that begin? What type of research have you done in how you might learn how to help yourself, as well? I assure you that meds ALONE, rarely get people where they want to be in their longterm healing path. Are they a tool, part of the plan? Sure they can be...and they have helped many. But, to me, it is our embracing of the actions and habits and mindests that can help us "rewire" our minds away from fear and obsession that hold the greatest potential for some LASTING peace. Meds might help us peg down our anxiety enough so that we can being to try to embrace these actions, with more clarity and focus, and hopefulness that they might, eventually, begin to work for us. Again, they are a tool. There are many tools.
What are NOT tools? Googling and seeking med testing where it is not warranted. And, I know how we feel it is ALL warranted. It is not, though.
Peace and Feel Well:)
P.S - Your liver seems to be fine. You haven't damaged yourself beyond repair....far from it. The human body is AMAZING in its capacity to heal itself from what we might do to it. The key is to be kind to your bod with exercise (various kinds) and a healthy moderate diet and then let it do what it is SUPPOSED TO DO...which is live and be active and vibrant and desirous. Your bod will not be the 'issue' for years to come, if you take care of it. It will be your mind:) And, your mind can heal, as well....and you CAN live well alongside your mental health challenges:)