HIV Symptoms? Terrible anxiety

[Scaredforever]

I'm a 26 year old female, I've suffered from anxiety and crippling hypochondria since I was about 12 years old.  I've always had this feeling that I was going to die young.  In the 6th grade I learned about breast cancer and was sure I had it, spent almost two years worring about my symptoms, wrote goodbye letters, and accepted that I was going to die soon.  I finally broke down and mustered up the courage to tell my Mom about the lump in my breast, turns out it was just from my breast growing and a family history of lumpy breast.  At about 16 I had my first sexual experience and was sure that I had contracted some sort of std, mainly hiv.  I spent the next 4 years positively sure that I was going to die soon and lived my life as a train wreck.  I then found out a friend of mines Mother that I had lived with for a short period of time had hepatitis c, she says she contracted it from a needle stick at a hospital just after giving birth to her daughter.  Even though she had remembered a time she contracted it, I was sure that I gave it to her and I was going to die to soon.  I spent the last 5-6 years worrying about my symptoms, looking them up online, ruining relaitonships, not able to keep a job, because of my crippling fear of disease.  I never had the courage to get tested because of how disapointed my family in friends would be in me.  Anyways my absolute fear turned me into a "screw it" life is short and I'm going to die soon, terrible depression, no self esteem, no self worth, no reason to live.  On July 16 2012 I got really drunk and gave oral to a guy that I had only known for a short time, we attempted to have sex but he couldnt stay completely erect.  So it only went on for a few minutes before we gave up. (no ejaculation)  In my research of hep c I started to see that my odds of contracting it were very low, if exsistant at all. I started to remove the thoughts from my mind and became a health freak finally.  Running everyday, eating right, supplements.   But Then at about 6 1\2 or 7 weeks after I had that encounter, I developed what looked like pimples on my neck, slightly itchy and red.  It started out as just one pimple and turned into about 6 or 7 on both sides of my neck, the right side bumps were very small.  Then about a week later during sleeping on my left shoulder, I woke up in pain, after looking it up online it seemed my rotator cuff. It was so bad that I didn't have full range of motion in my arm. (I broke my right collar bone at 20 and didn't let it heal properly so this may be the problem.)  I don't remember ever having a fever, or feeling sick at all but I was also taking EmergenC everyday for about a week because there was a flu going around (1000 mil of vitamin c) so maybe this stopped me from getting sick. At about 13 weeks afer encounter my wisdom tooth started to give me terrible pain, it's impacted and it started to get infected. I noticed a palpable occiptal lumph node on the back of my neck, the same side as the wisdom tooth. The lymph nodes put my anxiety/worry into the worst anxiety/depression/worry that I have ever felt in my life.  Then about 15 weeks after the encounter I had what looked like an ulcer on my tongue and on my check.  (I do recall biting my cheek and tongue, but I haven't had an "ulcer" or whatever it was on my tongue since I was a kid.   Around that time, I also noticed I have one palpable deep anterior cervical on each side of my neck (about 1mm in size) I don't know how long they have been there or if they just showed up.  Also on my right side (opposite of the the tooth infection, altough I do have a painless impacted wisdom tooth on that side) I have a strange feeling lymph node, maybe feels like a small one stuck on a larger one.  It's not noticable if you are just looking at my neck but it is easily felt.  Oh yeah I did at one point remember waking up every morning with a sore throat, it would subside after arising out of bed but I thought it was strange that I had a sore throat in the mornings.  I googled it and it said I was probabaly just sleeping with my mouth open but does hiv cause a sore throat only in the morning?  So I put all of the things together, and I had an itchy rash at one point that lasted a while, sore thoat, joint pain, palpable lymph nodes, ulcer in mouth.  I can say that I am honestly freaking out.  I am about to lose my job, I can't function and I can not take an hiv test.  I told myself that in Febuary of 2013 I will go get tested.  I want to try to spend these next few months just trying to live my life without the burden of knowing that I have hiv.   I spend literally the last 10+ plus years scared to death about dying and it may turn out that I didn't have anyting to be scared about until just recently.  This is my luck, this is how my life would turn out.  I just need some comments to maybe calm my fears or confirm them.  Whatever you think the truth is, until I get tested.   

[cakemix]

Just a friendly suggestion.
If you can go back and break up your post into a few sentences then a single or double space- then continue.

this would be easier to read.
I don't know how to edit myself. I just asked this question today in fact.

I can't seem to find an 'edit' button for our own posts.

[angela-mcourt]

Great God we are in the same boat hun. My fear is H V/A DS and like you I am convinced that i'm infected and I'm terrified to get tested.I don't even like to look WORD!!! It seems like every where I turn theres some sort of advertisment about the 0103. I also have a impacted wisdom tooth that should have come out long ago which (fingers crossed) caused the swollen lymph node on the back of my head. Im  a wreck right now just reading your post.

[Scaredforever]

I really am so scared.  I obsess.  I have spent at least 6 hours a day looking up symptoms, some days twice that much.  I spent my whole life worrying and it finally happend. 

[cakemix]

last year at this time, I was exactly you.
I couldn't stand posting another post on HIV/AIDS boards.

I would spend most all day and night "researching" symptoms on the internet and joining all sorts of forums only to be more confused.

So finally, on my birthday of all days, I went to get checked at a walk in HIV/AIDS clinic.
It took 15 minutes.

I cried throughout the whole process- the longest 15 minutes of my life.

It was NEGATIVE.

[angela-mcourt]

Hey scared forever    I want to apologize to you!! Im. so so sorry for scaring you. Anxiety Zone is a place to come to be comforted, not scared out your wits. SOO Lets start over 

I want you to know that i know just how you feel. I myself have been obsessing over HIV for two years, however these last six months have been hard for me. The only thing i can tell you hun is to get tested (i came close but that's a whole nother Story). It will free your mind. Have you ever been tested?

Also if your worried that you contracted it through oral your chances are almost nil. I think there's only one documented case. I know your scared. If you ever Want to talk feel free to send me a message anytime. Feel better Hun

[Scaredforever]

Thank you the replies.  If my test came back negative it would completely change my whole life.  I would never make another stupid mistake again but I guess everyone says that and not everyone is that lucky.  I'm so tired of living in fear but I'm too terrified to get a test.  If I am positive, I'd almost rather not know.  I wouldnt   be able to live with myself.  I will get tested but I just can't bare to do it right now.  I pray and pray and pray that I could be one of those lucky few who comes back negative but I have so many unexplained symptoms.  I can't tell if it's just me turning everyday things into symptoms or bo f I really do have noticable symptoms.  I keep searching for answers I know I can't find on the internet. It's really nice to be able to talk to someone though.  I have nengelaver told anyone about my worries.  And no need to apologize Angela I really appreciate your reply! &you too cake mix, it's so nice to hear I'm not alone.  I hope that one day I can respond to a post like mine with a positive reply like yours.

[Library girl]

Please don't think of people who test negative for HIV as "the lucky few"--I think that they are the majority! Let me just say that I convinced myself in college that I had HIV. When my blood test came back negative, the nurse told me that not *one* person who got tested at my college ever came back positive. I don't think it is as prevalent as you have come to believe.  Angela is also right--getting HIV from oral sex is nearly impossible--there is something in our saliva that makes it hard for the virus to survive. I urge you not to wait until February to get tested-you said yourself that knowing you were negative would change your life! I think the odds are in your favor. And even if your fears were confirmed, which I think is very unlikely, you must know through all of your research that you can live a long and healthy life even with HIV. (I am not trying to scare you--if the oral sex is the only encounter you are worried about, I think you are absolutely fine!!). Please take care!!

[Scaredforever]

I just realized I have a swollen lymph node in my groin.  I can't take this any longer.  I feel like my life is falling apart.  I have had literally almost every single symptom of hiv in the last three months.  I have 4 lymph nodes in my neck that where never there before, one of which is a matter lymph node (a total size less than 1 inch, feels like 3 small lymph nodes stuck together.) My wisdom tooth became infected and swollen around it.  I remember having really sore lower back muscles for no apartent reason.  Red/ flesh colored pimples on my neck that last over a month.  I have terrible joint pain in my knee, had it in my shoulder at one point, and in my elbow.  I had an ulcer on my tongue.  I had a sore throat only in the morning for about two weeks.  It seems like there is no other logical explanation for all of this.  I already know that I am positive, getting a test would only confirm it and I would lose everything that I have in my life right now.  I wish there was a way I could just calm down without getting a test.  A test will only make my anxiety worse because it will confirm the problem.   

[Joe.90]

You need to bite the bullet and get tested, I know you think it will be positive (ridiculous) 99.9% of statistics will disagree with you.

I also know EXACTLY 100% how your feeling, I was in the exact same situation a couple years ago. Until finally i got tested and I feel it was a big step forward.

The problem with this kind of anxiety is that you will move on to something else, you will probably think the test is wrong ( as did I ) until I made my wife get tested ( also negative ) and then I temporarily felt happy, until my mind found something else to worry about.

This may sound obsured. People told me what I'm telling you now and I thought " il never be like that" but unfortunately I fell right into the category.

Getting tested and seeing that YOU ARE OK is the easiest step believe it or not...go get tested, just do it! Then try as hard as you can to forget everything you previously thought (these tests are conclusive) and move on.

The problem is also you spend all your time worrying you have this disease, and the more you do this, the more it distracts you from the REAL illness you have. Which is one PURELY in your head.

See thread on the second page titled "please, help me". You are not alone.

God bless.

[Scaredforever]

One more lymph node showed up on my neck, so it pushed me yesterday to at least make a Doctors appointment.  I went today and had some bloodwork done.  The Doctor said my lymph nodes are reactive/slightly swollen, he thinks it may be enviromental and I am praying he is right.  He did mention the possibility of mono but said I would be feeling much worse and a fever would be present.  When he mentioned mono I did start to panic because I know alot of cases of hiv are misdiagnosed as mono.  As of right now I have small 1mm palpable lymph nodes in my neck, left and right anterior cervical, left rear posterior cervical, a small chain of cervical nodes on the right, and one large 1 inch lymph node in my groin.   My right and left ear feel pressure and achy.  I have no injuries on my leg or pelvic area, so I am still nervous.  I talked to my husband about the situation plenty of times.  I am such a lucky woman to have such a supportive man.  He so far says no matter what the results he will be by my side through thick and thin, sickness and health, just like he promised.  I pray that my bloodwork comes back fine tomorrow.  Thank you so much for your responses and helping me through this anxiety.  I can't believe I have put myself in this kind of situation.  I pray God hears my cries.

[weirdoinboston]

Any news?

[JunoX]

I am sorry that you have been dealing with this. Some years ago I was had become convinced that I was HIV positive and I remember the depression that engulfed me about it. It was horrible.

I pray that you will get through this hurdle and continue on with your life without this fear.

[Scaredforever]

My bloodwork came back normal the doctor seemed to think it is enviromental since I am fairly new to the fall/winter season, he wasn't concerned at all.  At first he said that he was concerned about mono which really freaked me out (because HIV is commonly mistaken for mono) but he said that I would also be feeling quite sick.. Of course I didn't mention to him that I think I could be HIV positive because I am too scared to get tested.  Honestly going to the Doctor freaked me out even more.  I was hoping my bloodwork would show I had an infection somewhere.  Now I don't show an infection, I have multiple lymph nodes and pressure ringing in my ears that won't go away.  How could I have all of these obvious symptoms and it turns out to not be something serious?  Doesn't make sense to me.  I recently have been accepting the fact that I very well may be infected.  I have at one point had all of the symptoms and I've had these lymph nodes for the past month.  It's scary.  My husband is going to go get tested with me in January.  The time line of my symptoms don't add up to those of seroconversion but I read somewhere that sometimes lymph nodes happen a few months after the initial infection because the body has built up antibodies and is trying to fight it.  Does anyone know if that is true?  ugh.  thanks for being here for me, I feel very alone.

[angela-mcourt]

You know what's funny?? I actually wish i was in your shoes

[Scaredforever]

Why is that?

[weirdoinboston]

Scaredforever, please stop thinking the worst! Lymph nodes become swollen for many many reasons. TBH with you I used to be scared I had HIV too. I wasn't the most perfect teenager. I had this thought for years and years and never got tested because I was too scared to find out. One day at work a few months ago I pricked myself with a needle I had just used on a patient. (I'm a nurse) I had no choice but to go get tested as I needed to get a baseline to determine whether or not I was already infected. I was PARALYZED with fear waiting for the results. I had a nervous breakdown in front of my Dad and Step mom, as well as my husband when I got a message from the doctor telling me to call her back ASAP. Not something you really want you family to see or know about you. Turns out she wanted me to call her back because she didn't want me to bother coming in again since my test was negative and so was the patient's test. YEARS AND YEARS of worry were gone in an instant! I felt SO relieved to have that weight lifted from my shoulders. I know it's difficult to bring yourself to do, but it is SO simple. You can have your results in an hour, or you can go back to get them if you want. Explain to your doctor why you are scared. Believe it or not the vast majority of doctors are extremely understanding and non-judgemental and I am willing to bet your doctor is much less alarmed about it than you are. Do yourself a favor and just get it done. Go on a tuesday, or a thursday. Any random day that you have a spare minute! If you plan a date the anticipation will be terrible!

[angela-mcourt]

Because if it's true like you said and it was only oral sex I know your fine. Right now the tingling has come back in my hands and feet and im so afraid scaredforever... this is a cold world and i just want to be around long enough to see my kids get older so i can teach them. No one is going to love and take care of them the way i do and my youngest is only 6. I'm just so disappointed in myself right now. Why me???

[Scaredforever]

No it wasnt just oral.  he was at least half way inside of me but he couldnt perform so we stopped.  He didnt ejaculate and I have no idea if he had precum on him while trying to enter me.  My lymph nodes are still swollen and I have this weird pressure in my ears like theyre muffled.  Im not getting tested until febuary.  I have started to somewhat accept the fact that I might be positive and its something that im just going to have to live with.  The rational part of me is starting to say im probably negative but then I think, dont kid yourself youre obviously hiv positive.  My lymph nodes showed up around 12 or 14 weeks and I keep hearing ars show up all together and lymph nodes hang around, I think all of the symptoms I had came at seperate times.  Idk, ive worried so much  about it I dont honestly think I can worry anymore.  Ive looked at every website, spent 8 hours + a day looking at symptoms and its gotten me no where but more worried and its causing stress with my husband.  What are your symptoms? What was your risk? I have read alot of places that the risk per exposire is .2 to .3  which seems very small but I know we could be that .2 or .3 otherwise it wouldnt exsist.  Ugh I pray for you and I pray for me.  We'll be okay negative or positive.

[winky420]

ARS symprtoms occur in some people infected at 2-4 weeks after exposure. The symptoms will start together and subside together. The do not persit for weeks and months on end.

On average seroconversion takes 22 days from exposure.

A 6 weeks negative test is highly unlikely to change. The 3 month window is just the guideline that all doctors folllow. The 6 month window you sometimes hear about is for patience who would have severe problems with there immune systems (cancer patience goinf through chemo etc.)

I am going through the same thing. Tested neg at 7 & 10 weeks and getting results back for 14 weeks today.

[probablyok]

Hi there,

I'm also a 26 year-old female, and up until last spring, I could have written this post. I've dealt with hypochondria since I was a little kid, believing that I was dying of something terrible and my parents just weren't telling me about it. I grew up and lived recklessly throughout college, having unprotected sex with partners I didn't know much about. HIV was always in the back of my mind, but never really in a serious way. Gradually, though, I started thinking about it more and more--entertaining the idea, making timelines of sexual encounters, charting "symptoms..." (night sweats, swollen nodes, spots in my mouth, general aches...I had it all). I became obsessed. I would do anything to reassure myself one way or the other without taking a test. I was convinced that just getting tested would ruin me completely. Years went by, I met a man and got married, and though my HIV fear waxed and waned, it was always there. Finally, last spring, I hit my breaking point. I don't remember what set it off (though, like you, I was especially sensitive to hearing about it/reading about it/etc.), but I had a near-meltdown. I was overcome with fear, guilt, and regret. I finally worked myself up to get tested after a long, sleepless night (though my husband had to drive me to the clinic, I didn't trust myself to do it). The whole thing took all of fifteen minutes, and though it felt excruciatingly long, the test administrator talked me through the whole thing.

I was negative.

Everything that happened after receiving my result felt like I was doing it for the first time. It's so ridiculous, but the air smelled sweeter, the sky was bluer, food tasted better. For the first time in YEARS I was completely unburdened by my thoughts. It was incredible. I still think of that day whenever I need to muster up courage for something else--since I maintain that voluntarily getting tested was the scariest, most difficult thing I've ever done.

Anyway, my point is: Don't wait until February. Do it now. Enjoy the upcoming holidays. I had many more risk factors than you (unprotected vaginal, oral, and anal sex with multiple partners), and everything turned out a-ok. As others have said, though the risk is real, it's overhyped in our culture in order to raise awareness. And awareness is a good thing...unless you're a hypochondriac.

Do it for the people who care about you, who want you to live your life fully and without regrets or fear. Do it for your past and future sexual partners, who deserve to know their own status. Do it for yourself--the sooner you know your result (and I would wager a lot of money that you're NEGATIVE), the sooner you can move on with your life. If you're positive? The sooner you can start on a treatment regimen. It's a win-win. Not knowing helps NOBODY. Please...take it from me. I've been where you are. I've felt completely alone, too ashamed to confide in anyone, sure of the worst, paralyzed with fear, trying in vain to accept my fate, dwelling on the past and what I should have done differently. I have been there. Please, please, please get yourself tested. It can be so much better.

Good luck.

[Scaredforever]

Thank you for taking the time to write that response, it was very caring and heart felt.  I do get closer to testing but I just cant bare the results right now.  Ive kind of just put it on the back burner. My lymph nodes are still palpable and I honestly dont see any other reason, ecspecially in this time frame.  I would completely be able to relate to your feelings after having a negative result but I'm afraid that's just not my fate.  Too many symptoms have happend and too many lymph nodes, too many possible exposures.  Thank you for your encouraging words.  When I do get tested, I will post my results.  God bless

[Scaredforever]

After 6 months of anxiety and panic, I finally tested, I got my results yesterday and I am HIV negative.  I just wanted to say thank you to everyone ong here whos helped me through my tough time .  These last 6 months have really been eye opening.  I am in fear of why I still have 9  swollen lymph nodes but at least I can narrow it down a bit.

[bev1234]

I'm so glad to hear that you worked up courage to get tested and even more happy you are negative! I actually read your post just today because I am going through literally the same exact thing. I hae swollen glands all through my neck right now and the doctor said either a throat infection or mono, which obviously scared me even more. I have never been so scared in my life and I have pretty much covinced myself that I have it. I am so scared