this is not who I want to be

[mothmama]

I can say that I've been suffering with some sort of mental issue since high school. I saw a therapist then, and a psychiatrist decided against giving me meds because they thought I wouldn't take it for some reason. In college, I was started on a parade of SSRI's such as Paxil (too sleepy to function), Prozac (landed me in the 72 hour watch for destructive behavior and cutting), and then Zoloft (few side effects but I just stopped taking it because I started to feel better). A previous primary doc tried giving me Lexapro but one dose of it made me feel like an absolute zombie so I stopped taking it. I wasn't even depressed at the time. That was about 4 years ago. A little over a year after my daughter was born. I had a lot of guilt about not being able to breastfeed her properly. I had no support or advice and a lot of issues. I was determined to get her back on the breast at 5 months, but she refused to latch and I was REALLY upset that I failed to give her that. I ended up pumping just a bit of milk every day for her until she was about 14 months old.

Both of my pregnancies were hard. I hated being pregnant, was full of anxiety and couldn't wait to get the babies out so I could connect with them and hold them and get on with my life.

I went through a lot of trauma in recent times. My husband and I ended up homeless for a while and lived in the woods, when I conceived my second child. Family helped us get back on our feet, but after all of that hardship, I felt defeated. I couldn't connect to my son the way I connected to my daughter for a very long time. I did everything I could to avoid PPD and was fine for months, but I started relying on an old crutch (smoking) after he was born.

I'm now 33. It hasn't been a constant thing (thank god) because if I didn't have periods of functionality and stability, I would probably be an absolute mess of a person, if not dead.
So in thinking of what I have to be grateful for, there is a lot. I have a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful kids, a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.

I wake up every day with panic, diarrhea, worried about getting my daughter on the bus (even though everything is packed and ready to go the night before), feeling nauseous and my heart pounds. I worry about her bringing home more germs. Kindergarten seems to be a petri dish of nasty bugs and I was sick all of last month. I don't want my husband to leave me alone with my son. I don't fear that I would hurt him or not be able to take care of him, but I worry that it will just be too overwhelming for me. I feel like I can't do it alone.

I don't work at the moment. For many years I worked in the sex industry as a dancer and a dominatrix. I thought at the time it was a way to work the hours I wanted, without having to deal with an office situation (I have a very hard time holding down a "regular" job) and make cash every day. But I experienced a lot of things that made me feel....violated. Sexual assault, objectification, crappy managers, etc are the norm. It feels like something I had to do to survive, really. And I was good at it. I became a really good salesperson and the money was addictive in a way. But now I don't think I could ever go back to it even if I needed to. I'm glad my husband has decided to take on the responsibility of supporting us. He knows how miserable it was making me so he is being supportive in whatever I need to do. I just feel sort of...shell shocked after that whole experience. Like I am just now realizing the things I did for money and it makes me really sad. I don't know why I didn't feel like I had other options.

I recently made the decision to quit smoking. My husband and I did it together and we have been nicotine free for 15 days. I thought maybe that would make my anxiety dissipate, but no....it has gotten far worse. I am going on day 5 of pure hell. I'm anxious, depressed, tearful and of course, my period is ridiculously heavy. Every woman in my family has had issues with their reproductive parts. My mom had fibroid cysts and had a hysterectomy. Her sister had the same thing, and PMDD. Her daughter has it too. My other aunt had endometriosis. I don't know about my grandmothers but I do know my dad's mother had horrible depression. She had 4 kids and could barely take care of them. It terrifies me to think I could become like that.

I have a small script for a very light dose of Klonopin written by a family friend. She set me up with an appointment with one of her colleagues (a primary doc) for Monday. The Klonopin is to help get me through the rest of the week. I also have a tiny stash of xanax given to me by a friend, but it doesn't seem to last as long as the Klonopin. I also have an appointment with a gyno on the 7th of November. It just seems like a very long time from now. I wonder if this is a hormonal issue, or a mental breakdown of sorts from quitting cigarettes? I don't want to go back to it, because I know it won't help and I do not want to repeat this horrible process ever again. I also would really like to get through this without drugs of any kind, but this feels like such a chemical issue I don't know if that's possible. Adjustment periods to new meds are SCARY and I don't have time. I have little people that rely on me. I feel like a failure as a mother.

Someone please tell me I'm not losing my mind because that is what this feels like. Thanks.

[kconnors]

Hi . . . first, let me tell you, from my experience as a non-professional, that you are * not * losing your mind. Right now, I suspect that you are having an internal confrontation between reality brain and anxiety brain. It is not easy, it is not pleasant, but it is certainly a fight that your reality brain can win by managing anxiety brain. You have had a horrendous prior lifestyle (it does not matter whether by choice, by necessity, or by accident as you cannot change the past), but you are now in the present preparing, if you will, for tomorrow.

Second, reading through your posting, I feel that for a many reasons you are feeling guilty about your decisions about your pregnancies, about smoking, about being homeless, and about your experience in the adult entertainment area. Now, you are trying to make up for that guilt but you are swinging the other way because of anxiety brain that causes you to worry about every little part of your daughter's and son's life. Right now to be the person you are as an individual, partner to your husband, and mother, you need to take care of yourself. Now, this is where you pat yourself on the back . . . you have taken the action to get a referral which is great . . . .your have a small prescription of meds to help you manage some of the symptoms (but, don't mix them with Xanax . . . you are not being fair to your friend who prescribed you the Klopinin because she does not know abut the Xanax) . . . .Now, a lot of your symptoms are anxiety and they are probably intensified by giving up smoking (which also is a great accomplishment) . . . .it definitely can have components of hormonal imbalance, etc.

What can you do until you see your doctor . . . here are my suggestions and they are only suggestions . . .

1.  every day write (and this is important as it is the physical act of getting your feelings out on paper or computer or this website . . . however you are comfortable) and tell one upsetting event, if there is one, to identify a trigger and one great event, if does not matter what so long as it is meaningful to you;

2.  every day write one thing that you did as a Mom for your daughter that does not represent anxiety (for example, you told her how smart she is) and one thing you did as a Mom for your son (for example, read him his favourite store)

3.  every day write one thing that you can see as a positive from a bad experience (for example: your time when you had difficulty breastfeeding but that you did make sure to pump a bit of milk every day which was an accomplishment)

4.  every day write one thing that you like about yourself --- and there has to be a lot of qualities (for example: your inner strength to come to this forum, to get help from a doctor, to recognize that good stable times exist and that you have a strong mind, heart and soul and you do recognize positive things such as a roof over your head and food in the frig)

5.  every day write something that you appreciate such as your two children and your husband and know the value that he places in you as a person and make sure to give him a hug

6.  and, finally, cut yourself some slack . . . remember the past for lessons learned but do not live in the past (it is a losing proposition from one who tried to do so)

You are not a failure as a Mom . . . you have a mental health issue for which you are seeking help; you are strong to come to this forum; and you will use the same resilience and strength to engage in a process to bring you to a stable situation . . . .before you see your doctor, though, make a written list of your concerns and fears especially with respect to meds . . . you may need meds to help you control your symptoms until you can work with a counselor or your doctor may suggest modifying your lifestyle (yep, it is difficult with little ones) . . . I would also suggest that you seek out community support groups or perhaps there are online support groups. I know some community support groups offer childcare or invite Moms to bring their children.

More than anything, make sure you tell yourself of the value that you have especially to yourself and please come back to this forum and let us know how things are going . . . we know that all we can do is support each other in cyberspace but we do that extremely well . . . .please keep in touch, take care, KC

[mothmama]

Wow, KConnors, thank you so much for taking the time and energy to write out such a thoughtful reply. That is exactly the kind of response that would make a new member want to return to the forum. Really, I am so grateful.

You certainly touched on some interesting things having to do with guilt that I didn't think I was even capable of experiencing. Maybe I was even in denial about it until you pointed it out.

I have been thinking that I want to start writing things down, just to have something to bring to the docs I have appointments with. There are a lot of common themes here (like the menstrual cycle issues, and times of the day when I feel more anxious than others). Aside from those two doc appointments, I had one therapist call me back shortly after writing my initial post, and she said she would check into whether or not she can accept my insurance.

I seem to feel better in the evening. Maybe it's because that's when the kids go to bed? Or it could be hormonal shifts. I just watched a funny movie and I actually laughed for the first time in about a week. That felt really good.

For the record, the doc who prescribed the Klonopin does know that I have the Xanax and I am not going to mix the two, although she didn't seem to think it was a problem to take the Xanax if I didn't find the Klonopin helpful. Honestly, I don't want to take any more anxiety meds because it just makes me feel depressed, tired and non-functional. When I start feeling the relief from taking the benzos after a panic attack, I realize how absolutely exhausted I am and fall asleep. So I really want to save them for extreme emergencies. I also don't want to develop an addiction to them. My husband was able to stay home the past few days with me to give me some time and space to be alone. That's been somewhat helpful, but has not really helped this to subside overall. I am surprisingly not negatively affected by the kids. I am being gentle with myself and with them. Maybe I am a tiny bit more permissive than usual because I want to avoid conflict. But I think that is okay for now.

After taking a walk, forcing myself to do about an hour and a half of yoga, taking a very long bike ride and going grocery shopping, I kind of felt "okay". The earlier part of the day was far more bleak. I was in a very dark place all day long.

I'm going to try and sleep now in case I have another restless night. Thanks again. Truly.

[kconnors]

Hi,

Right back at you . . . thank you for sharing your experiences . . .everything that you are doing including the exercise, etc. will help you until you see your counsellor . . . .right now, being permissive is not a big issue unless you are letting the kids throw spaghetti on the ceiling :) Sometimes kids can be a big help . . . .sometimes they like to think that they are "big" kids and help Mom because she needs some quiet time . . . . right now, just keep yourself on as much as a balance as you can . . . you seem to have a very supportive husband which is great and I think that once you get some direction from professionals, you'll be able to start the healing process . . . .and, remember, come back here as often as you like . . . .take care, kc

[mothmama]

So last night I ended up in the ER just to see if there wasn't something more serious going on with my brain. The doc said I don't have symptoms of a brain tumor or blood clot, so they didn't do a CT scan. They did a general blood panel and found that I was a tiny bit low in potassium (although not much at all really) and everything else looked normal.
His diagnosis was "anxiety disorder" and that I should just keep taking the low dose of Klonopin until I find another solution.
Today I had a rather promising visit with my new primary doc. I'm pleased with the way I was treated. Everyone listened to my issues and was professional, yet personable.
An EKG proved to be normal (although the palpitations and pounding feeling in my chest have been driving me nuts). I have to schedule more blood work so they can check out my thyroid.
They also gave me an anti-depressant to try (and I guess I really don't have much farther down the slope to go at this point) and I start that tonight.
I originally thought they were going to give me Zoloft or Celexa, but the doc suggested this new SSRI called Viibryd. I guess it's supposed to be less crazy with the side effects. We shall see. I had a bad reaction to Lexapro a few years ago, and I think this is supposed to be similar, and I promised my husband I wouldn't google anymore because reading about that sent me into a panic attack I am just now coming down from.

I am supposed to keep taking the Klonopin until I don't need it anymore. I was worried about the addiction factor, but it's a very low dose and I have only been taking it less than a week. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I just want to feel better again.

Tried yoga yesterday, can't do much exercise outside because it's been raining for days.

Blah.

[kconnors]

Hi mothmama,

Sorry to hear about the visit to ER, but the good news is that you know that you are healthy and a bit of a low in potassium may be a whole bunch of different factors . . . .if it is possible, eat one small banana a day (I use this as an excuse to make a banana milkshake to which I add some protein, etc.) . . . . sometimes drugs can cause different effects on the amount of minerals/vitamins in your body.

I am so pleased that you had a promising visit to your doctor . . . .re: heart pounding . . . you may want to ask your doctor if you might try propranolol . . . your doctor may say no because of the other stuff that you are taking but when I was in a highly intensified episode of overactive thyroid, I used that for a bit until they could stabilize the thyroid and it was such a relief to get rid of the pounding that I felt so much better  . . . in any case, ask . . . it can't hurt to ask but always follow your doctor's advice because of interactions and perhaps the Vibryd does a similar job . . . .

I am glad the EKG is normal and to have the additional blood work will not be bad . . . it will confirm reality-brain's message that you are fine . . . .

As for side effects and addiction to Viibryd, I do not know. I always suggest, though, with any new meds, keep a list of when you take them with the time as well as if you feel any side effects with the time and make sure to let your doctor know . . . and yes, your husband is correct, do stop googling . . . . right now, just note how *you* feel and remember that anxiety-brain will often adapt to new google information . . . you want to ensure that what you are feeling is * you * and not you assuming issues from other people who posted to the web . . . .

You are doing everything possible to get back on track right now . . . . it is one baby step at a time . . . .just keep on going and let us know how you are doing . . . .right now, take as much time and effort as you can to spend it on yourself and your management techniques . . .. in the long run, you will be a happier person able to enjoy your family . . .. take care, kc

[mothmama]

Thank you for the response again, KC.

I'm not at all worried about getting tests done, which is strange I guess. It's talking about my issues that really gets me anxious. I'm looking forward to seeing if I do have a thyroid issue. Somehow I doubt it though, because I remember having anxiety for a very long time, but it's just intensified at this point in my life.

I think I have a lot of unresolved issues that I need to work through in therapy. I have my appointment coming up on the 13th and I am going to bring a lot of my writing with me, just so I don't choke up when I try to explain myself. My memory isn't so great these days.

The good news is that I am not having the same reaction to Viibryd that I was to Lexapro. It's just really hard to get out of bed until about noon. I get motion sick in the car and I'm nauseous a lot. I sort of feel like an elderly person, but I guess that could be from the Klonopin. Been having chest pains on and off for part of the afternoon, but I think that could be from quitting smoking, or just anxiety in general. It just kinda freaked me out a little because it's a new symptom. But I know I'm not having a heart attack because there's no tingling or odd sensations in my arms. It's also not severe. Trying to watch a lot of movies to keep my mind busy. Husband continues to be awesome and helpful with the kids. I was able to help my daughter with her homework tonight without getting frustrated and we even put on some music and danced around. Last night I went trick or treating with them too. I was determined not to miss it and just kinda pushed myself along with my son's stroller. lol
I have some good moments mixed with the misery.

I will update when I know more.

[kconnors]

Hiya,

What great strides!!!! I knew you had the strength . . .check back when you get a chance .. . . take care, kc

[mothmama]

Well, my journey sure has taken some unexpected, frightening and also enlightening twists and turns.

My sleep quality has been decreasing more and more, to the point where I would consider what I have to be severe insomnia aggravated by anxiety. The anxiety feeds the insomnia, and vice versa. I'm not experiencing any depression anymore, except a lot of tears in frustration over my situation. I consulted my doc and I stopped the Viibryd, thinking it was causing insomnia, or anxiety or both. Mostly it just wasn't helping, the Klonopin was to some degree but I think my sleep hygiene got all out of whack from laying in bed in a Klonopin haze all day watching TV. So I tapered off everything, experimenting with different sleep remedies (melatonin, valerian, benadryl, motherwort, valium, xanax, klonopin). Not even Trazodone worked, so I decided to just give up on meds and try willing myself to sleep without drugs.
No such luck. I lay awake with weird visions and can't seem to pass out now, unless I take a small bit of Klonopin, but then I wake up again anyway. So clearly benzos are not the answer to my problem. Thank god because I didn't want to get addicted to them.
I think the max amount of sleep I have had all week is 5 hours. 2 nights ago I got zero sleep. Last night about 3, but very restless.
I have very little appetite. I have to force myself to eat. Husband has had to take care of the kids, and constantly remind me to eat. I have constant hot flashes. I've lost 10lbs, which is a LOT for me because I'm already very small. Grateful that my aunt is helping to support us with the agreement that we work out repayment later.
My doc wouldn't prescribe any potentially addictive pills, so she referred me to a sleep center. And I am so relieved she did. The doc I met today told me I am going to be okay, explained all of my fears, and prescribed me some Seroquel (25mg to start). He is confident it will knock me out and will help my anxiety and mood swings too, although he said that can take a few weeks to really kick in.
I started "sleep compression therapy" last night, or at least better sleep hygiene. I am developing a daily bedtime ritual, setting myself up with only 8 hours of laying in bed time (12-8) no matter what, and getting up and out of bed if I start to have worries. I have been doing Bikram yoga during the day to keep myself awake and keep my hot flashes/appetite in some kind of control.  To keep busy, I make lists, and think of ways I can organize my house better so I feel more in control. I started organizing a lot of paperwork last night, and that made time go by so much faster while I waited for bedtime to arrive. It wasn't the best night, but I am hopeful that I will see progress with discipline. I know that the meds may not work tonight, but they could work tomorrow, or the next day. I am getting by on sheer willpower, but I feel better I have some chemical support to help me through this. SSRIs are not the answer for me as I don't have major depressive disorder, and I need something faster acting for anxiety and with less side effects than most SSRIs. Just the thought of not having a sex drive effin scares me!
I write down my worries and work through them on paper. Most of them are irrational and stupid, I'm seeing, when I look at them the next day.
I am in therapy and my therapist is convinced I am going to feel better soon and I am really on the right track to being the healthiest I can be.
I have never had so much faith in myself. This is the most powerful, spiritual and life changing journey I have ever been on. I am really learning how to love myself in the face of fear, to nurture and support who I really am. I have always been anti-religious, but I feel like I have trust in the universe. I have been praying, which no one would ever think I would do!
I feel like I can do anything after quitting cigarettes, having two unmedicated homebirths, moved across this whole country years ago by myself, started two businesses, taught myself sales, found an amazing husband and made two beautiful kids that will be a mirror of my positive influence. Life is too short to go around poisoning yourself with misery and worry. I was trying so hard to be a perfect mother, that I was destroying myself with anxiety. I was trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenarios and in turn I was actually praying for bad things to happen! Worry is not preparation for negative events. It creates them. I know I'm not done with all of this and I have a long way to go maybe. Or maybe this is a turning point to inspire a life long love affair with my inner self and to watch my true potential flourish.

I have more compassion for people as I see my ego crumble.

I have nothing to lose anymore. My illness has made me see how fragile I am and how fragile others are too. I have to let go of anger toward myself and others. No more guilt either. Ultimately I want to let go of fear altogether and just feel only love. Love for the Oneness of the universe, knowing I am part of it. 

Where did these realizations come from? Was it always dormant inside me? Is this mania? Somehow I trust that this is my destiny and I will surrender to the process.

I think of that scene in Finding Nemo a lot. My son is obsessed with that movie. You know the scene where all the tuna fish are trapped in the net? They start to panic as the net gets pulled up, deriving them of air. Surely they will die. But suddenly they all work together, with a helpful suggestion, to swim downward and break the net together. They trusted the process and became one with each other, working toward the same goal.

Yeah. That.

[kconnors]

Hi,

What a great post! Know that my thoughts and prayers (whatever anyone takes that to mean) will be with you on your journey . . . you do have the strength to accomplish everything that you want to . . .keep in touch . . .take care, kc

[mothmama]

Thank you so much. I'm grateful for whatever positive energy I am receiving and absorbing.

Even though the Seroquel made me so groggy and sleepy last night, it didn't "knock me out". I spent all night getting up and down and trying to figure out why it just wouldn't work. Then I realized that all the chemical sleep aids in the world wouldn't make me sleep. It's not the drug's job to put me to sleep, but to gently nudge me in the right direction.
What really changed my outlook didn't happen until about 6am today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT3n1cLZqiY

After watching that video, I realized I was feeling like a victim of the whole insomnia thing. I was feeling sorry for myself instead of telling myself the things I really needed to hear. How in the world was I going to sleep if I was telling myself I would fail at it? The conversations going on in my head are the real key. I needed to change the story for myself, and believe I can do this.
I slept from 6-8am after watching that video and only woke up because my husband's alarm went off and I made myself get out of bed so I could continue to stick with my sleep schedule. I powered through the day, decided to not let anxiety rule my world and put makeup on, went to the store, smiled, laughed, visited with my family and shared some of my affirmations with them at the dinner table. Everyone was shocked at my openness and all the spiritual changes I have undergone in my healing process. And I actually ate a whole plate of food. It wasn't a TON of food, but more than I have eaten in a long time.

I'm feeling calm and confident. Really, what other choice do I have? Be anxious and afraid all my life? I'm too good for that.

[kconnors]

Well said and well done and yes, you are much too good to spend your life as either a victim or a martyr . . . .the strength that you are showing yourself means you have great value and confidence in your decisions and actions . . . . you may hit bumps in the road (we all do), but you no longer see them as anything more than bumps to continue on . . . .I am so very happy for you . . . .take care, kc

[mothmama]

Just wanted to update, and I realize its kind of shitty of me to only post while in crisis and not continue to be supportive of others in the forum. I finally feel like I'm able to say my anxiety is very much under control, and I feel strong and stable. I have not had any "head meds" in many months (November maybe?) although I feel like just the 3 tiny doses of Seroquel had a lasting drowsy/zombie effect for many weeks. Or perhaps I was just out of sorts from the effects of the insomnia. Either way, I feel pretty confident that the biggest cure in all of this has been a lot of self discipline in terms of diet/stress management/exercise/therapy.
I'm still doing yoga regularly and avoiding processed food and caffeine. I meditate and no longer feel trapped by the kids (as a SAHM this was hard for me). I have a couple people I trust to help and I actively take time outs.  I'm so relieved that I didn't go back to my self destructive pattern of smoking! It's been a hard winter with the kid germs and I know I'd be a lot worse if I hadn't quit.
Sleeping like a boss lol - had a few bad nights at random but my husband decided to join me one night and we had a blast playing word games and snacking and it pretty much killed any trauma I felt from having Insomnia. I know now I can overcome these obstacles because I've proven to myself that its possible.
Anxiety is becoming a memory. Not saying I don't have struggles now and then, but I am determined to keep on with squashing the last bit of it. My therapist has been wonderful and supportive. I feel like I can totally do this now.
Kconnors thanks so much for your support.

[kconnors]

Hiya,

I am jumping for joy for your accomplishments . . . you know, folks come to this forum for all sorts of reasons so don't be hard on yourself for posting intermittently . . . .you do support us every time you post by sharing your experiences . . . I am so pleased that you are feeling better and that you have developed such effective management techniques for you . . . even though you continue to have episodes (so do I), you have indeed proven to yourself your inner strength in continuing with the process . . . and yes, you can totally do this . . . .so here's to "squashing" the anxiety  . . . if and when you can, keep in touch . . . if we don't hear from you for a while, well, I am going to assume that you are simply back to enjoying life, family and friends which is what this journey is all about . . .glad you let me be part of it . . .take care, kc