hey guys, sorry for the bump I know this is an old post, hopefully you're still on the site! I think you just made a massive leap for me in the way of progress. Had a bit of a mental breakdown two days ago, couldn't stomach my thoughts anymore so I punched the hell out of my bed, floor, anything to get the tension out, was in hysterics. Few days earlier my partner of three years and I called for a time out from each other, and somehow my family got involved and it got horrible. Everyone reacted awfully. I wanted to run away, anything to get rid of the terror I felt inside. One of the main reasons we split is because I have had awful intrusive thoughts for months now. They've been worsening and I can't believe I would think some of the things I think. I have even heard someone inside my head telling me to act these thoughts out, and another telling me not to and why I should stay stronge. I believe I have developed a defense mechanism and also managed to give my obsessive trait a voice because it's only since I started having such bad thoughts that I could hear it. I feel like my mind sometimes eggs me on to become worse. It's so ridiculously suggestable, seriously if you mention something bad once, it decides I am capable or will do it. Schizophrenia is the scariest thought ever for me, even to the point I have started to try convincing myself 'hell if I am then I can get sectioned, get help, it's not the worst thing so long as I just don't act on that thought to go stab everyone and myself'. For the last few days I've considered calling emergency services/ going to hospital and asking to be sectioned because I feel like I am so close to losing control. I only became scared of being schizophrenic because I met my partner's friend who is schizophrenic and I had a weird night with him, so I felt uncomfortable ever since. I've had some stresses recently, mostly living with my partner in extremely close proximity (seriously a 2 room flat) in a new city with no friends doing a job I don't like and being hundreds of miles from home. I think I've just lost it a little. Thoughts have escalated, and because I've had no relief from myself and tension has built up between my partner and I, I've just cracked and hit a really bad patch. My brain has accepted that I am developing serious mental conditions. I'm frightened because some symptoms of my panic I have gotten used to, like the hot flashes, tingling, pressure in my head, and I don't get very freaked out by them anymore, I'm not sure if it means I'm handling them better, or if I am actually going mad because they don't scare me quite so much.
This link to pure O has really helped. I just cried as I read it as I realised I feel just like this. I decided to tell people recently about what I actually think, my obsessions, knowing it may scare people off, and I told them about the voices. I just couldn't cope with it in my head on my own anymore, it's not living, it's barely existing. It helped a little to get it off my chest and hopefully these people will support me whilst I go to CBT (had one session, many to go), I just wish it was all so much more widely understood and explained so it didn't take so long for me to hear about it and realise I am not alone.
One line in that PDF said something like 'if you're going through all of this and managing to live a normal daily life then you're a much stronger person than you probably give yourself credit for'. That made me feel like there's reason to try.