Castration/Mutilation obscession

[Stargazer]

I suffer badly from OCD and was only diagnosed with it about 7 years ago (I'm sure I've had it longer than that though). It has wrecked my life and taken away any pleasure whatsoever. I have since discovered that several people on my mother's side of the family have it as well. My obscessions change from time to time but almost always focus on disease, "blood & gore" and feelings of being punished for "evil" sins. I don't hear voices or anything but sometimes my thoughts are very vivid and real - almost as if I was running a video tape in my head or living out the experiences I think about.

In the past, I have had major obscessions (lasting months at a time) about different things. It's gotten so bad that I spent more time at the doctor's office and seeing specialists than I did at home. The tests I have had done over the years could easily fill a small U-Haul trailer and everyone looks at me like I'm some kind of nut.

I can't enjoy anything anymore because in my mind, it is "diseased". I go out and get myself a dog, cat, calf, horse or any type of animal to keep as a pet and sooner or later find myself obscessing over it's health. If it drools (which animals do), I totally freak out for weeks thinking it has mad cow and the next thing I know I'm in and out of the doctor's office every day and running back and forth to the vet, etc. Of course, I get lots of laughs, smirks and people rolling their eyes at me as if I was nuts. This does'nt help matters either .

Recently (and unrelated to my OCD), I have had three different diagnoses for what appears to be an inguinal hernia, a lipoma of the spermatic cord or a vericocele. All of the doctors have told me there was nothing to worry about and that I did not need surgery. Still, I worried and fretted myself silly for over a month. Gobs of tests, pestering the doctors all hours of the day, driving my roommate nuts, reading scary stuff on the internet from dawn to dusk, etc. I would get these extremely vivid video-quality images in my mind of some surgeon s-l-o-w-l-y cutting my testicles off and lots of blood squirting out and me laying their screaming at the top of my lungs in pain. These images (or ones like them) would play over and over again in my mind and I COULD NOT get rid of them no matter how hard I tried. I pictured the surgeon injecting each testicle with anesthetic and slicing parts of it off to "test in the lab". I pictured him cutting tubes and nerves and being able to feel the whole thing because for some reason the anesthetic "did'nt work on me". The thoughts played in my mind over and over again like a non-stop video presentation and it was so real that I would moan and actually FEEL it as I was thinking it. Once the "tape" finished playing in my head, my heart would be racing and I would feel like I could just die.

Then, I developed a morbid fascination/intense fear of castration and found myself watching castration, circumcision and other goulish surgery videos online and then playing these same videos back later in my mind only pretending it was ME who was having the surgery and trying to actually feel and imagine what it was like as if I was "living it out" in my mind.

Or, I would be watching a nature program where hyenas, lions,grizzly bears or some other large, carnivorous animal was bringing down a kill and biting it all over or eating it while it was still alive and while the camera only showed the lion clamping down on the throat, in my mind, I just KNEW the remaining lions were down there on the other end biting and chewing on it's testicles and so I would pretend it was me instead of the animal and obscess over this for hours on end.

These few things I've mentioned are like a few grains of sand in the ocean. OCD has completely destroyed my life and replaced any peace and happiness with constant fear and uncertaintly. In addition, I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Hypochondria, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Turette's Syndrome, GERD and a few other things. I take Xanax, Buspar and Prevacid. Not sure what else to say except that OCD is a horrible thing to have. I am not currently taking meds for it because I've never asked for any or been offered meds and I'm not sure what the side effects are or what I should take. Any input would be greatly appreciated!!

[Hypergirl]

Well, I can't relate to your "castration" obsession since I've got the wrong bits and pieces for that ;)

However, there is no point in your having to living like that when there are good medications to treat OCD out there. Can you get in to see a pdoc?. It sounds like this thing is really eating you alive inside. I hope you can make an appointment soon and get some help.

Let us know how it turns out and keep us informed.

Hypergirl 

[rara]

Hey, well from what i read it sounds like you have a hypochondria disorder, fixation or whatever it is called. Of course i am not a psychologist or even trained at all to talk about stuff like this, see i am only in high school but this is how i try to help or listen and understand. So please take this as a motivation to understand and not arrogance or pretending to be something i am not. Of course you will not actually consider my advice with authority either...

You don't seem to be describing an OCD disorder essentially, for me you're hypochondriac disorder is shining trough. If this is true it is a mere coincidence, relevancy or in fact because this is you're most discomfortable problem? That was my first thought but then i reconsidered, i don't erase my errors for some sort of guideline cause, for me.

I notice you repeatedly paint a discomfortable picture of gored blood and it seems very much like a trait of OCD. The way of provoking the biggest sense of discomfort according to yourself as sort of a expressing you're empiristic gloomful pain. 
Are you're neuroses emotionally, biological or hereditary even though you cant categorise them that way?

I am so afraid of giving advice and even reluctant to call them, this is an advise but it seems like you spend a lot of time working up these pictures. Maybe these picture are gloomy obsessive expressions of some sorts of boredom (of course i mean serious "i can't handle this anymore" kind of boredom, i am NOT trivializing) and maybe it would be better to spend the time on practical sound activities, especially homeworks if u are in high school.
Not assuming that you don't already get good grades if in fact you are in high school, it is just that further (legitimate) education is such a practical activity and calming for the stressed mind suffering from OCD, my own speculation though.

For instance a person with OCD might blame themself and feel as if their are being lazy and ruining their lives by not being productive, again my own speculation.
Do not feel anxiety for not being able to concentrate on you're schoolwork or any activity while bearing so many neuroses but contemplate instead how much OCD actually interferes in you're life instead of rationalizing it. Personally i think it is amazing that you are able to act upon you're OCD, that is to go see a doctor (if it recours along thoughts, which is what i am mainly addressing at such a young age if you in fact are in high school. You said that you were diagnosed whit OCD seven years ago. A lot of people rationalize which is were the authorities, especially teachers step in.

Well i agree with "hypergirl", you cannot go trough life living like this i mean you deserve to have an inner tranquil state of mind just as anybody else does, therefore i think you should seriously contemplate medicine for you're OCD, all of you're problems if a licensed doctor agrees to it. It is as much a weakness, ore unessential as insulin is for a diabetic.
Have you been in therapy for so long and not recovered though? Again not meant as patronizing but i think you are supposed to make a significant progress at the very least and if you don't feel like that i think meds are a good thing to consider.

For you to have been diagnosed seven years ago, i say that not really knowing you're age i am assuming from you're literal capacity that you are at least in high shool, is not so common. Even that is to late counting back from highschool years.

Personally I think it is a big shame for ADHD to be so damn "obvious" (it is missdiagnosed so many times among children) for teachers but the OCD that inflicts upon ones shoolwork, i can imagine, is so damn candid for the teacher if the person in question is "good at hiding it". That is if the teacher is oblivious against it.

peace, love and understanding./Rara.