Panic Disorder in a relationship.

[Lucky13pck]

Hey there. First post, glad to be here. My name is Dan. I never knew depression, or anxiety. Or any of these extremely difficult, and invisible ailments. What I am going to write here will be long. So I emplore you, if you have the time, please be patient. Your feedback would be greatly appreciated.

This is my story...

About a year and 3 months ago I met a girl named Laura, I fell in love with her. At the time I was unaware of her anxiety, her depression or what would come in the approaching months and year. It has been a significant learning experience for both her and I. I'm 21. I'm driven and focused. I have a band that is beginning to become successful ( Emperors & Elephants ). Everything is going very well in my life. The same cannot be said for Laura, unfortunately.

Laura and I have lived together for about 8 months now. I moved in to her apartment when I was offered a position to work down here. Ive seen every form of break down imaginable. She suffers from multiple disorders. General Depression, S.A.D, Anxiety, Diabetes, PTSD. Shes on an incredible amount of medication daily. I dont have many qualms with that, although I fear it may be damaging her stomach, I suppose its a non-issue.

Thesis:

The stress of being in a close, intimate relationship with someone affected by these disorders can be taxing. As it has been for me. I've learned its best not to try to directly intervene, because often times that tends to only exacerbate things. I remain close and supportive, and always assure her that I am there to help her.

We attended a wedding tonight, Laura was a brides-maid. It was the first wedding I have ever attended, and it was beautiful. However as the night went on Laura became visibly anxious and broken. I  assured her often that things will be okay and to try and enjoy herself.

Sometimes it seems she is incapable of doing this. I feel for her greatly for that. I cant possibly imagine the burden that she bears every morning. Sometimes she is just so lifeless....or so defeated. And it pains me greatly to see that.

We had an accident outside of the reception area, Laura fell down. I ushered her away from the crowd as I could tell she was very upset and was on the verge of tears. This escalated into a complete break-down after about 15 minutes. She had cut her hand, which was bleeding a somewhat generous amount- but nothing alarming really. And she had convinced herself that she hit her head, had a concussion, and was going to die.

I stayed by her in the room right before the Ladies washroom, and comforted her as I always do. I made the mistake of instead of taking care of the situation myself, I asked a nearby planner for a band-aid and some water. The planner immediately flipped her 0103 and called Olivia ( The bride) and all the other brides maids and some managers etc, into the room with laura.

That was about the last thing she needed.

This worsened her state drastically...after everyone had witnessed her crying and curled up helpless in the ladies washroom, they left and it was Olivia and I. It was an incredibly embarrassing moment for Laura. Olivia then allowed me to take over again and try to comfort Laura.

After Olivia left, I did my best to comfort Laura...but soon I just couldnt take it. She was having such a hard core panic attack. She was hysterical, couldnt breath. She just looked so helpless and frail. It really dug at me inside, and it still is now. Sometimes I questioned whether or not it is worth staying in the relationship. Laura can bring me either great joy, or great sadness and frustration. I care for her deeply, its difficult to see her this way and not view her differently. I've always known she is a great girl, she is able to have fun- she is absolutely gorgeous, and her smile warms me. But this last year and a couple months have been so difficult. Shes told me she wasnt always like this. She says she wasnt always "useless". I stay with her because I know this. Because I feel that if she can learn to live again with these disorders, that she too can be individually happy.

Its my greatest wish really.

Today was just so awful. For me, I was robbed of a new experience and a fun night out ( This isnt the first time....at almost every occasion we've gone to, it often times ends with us leaving early and Laura absolutely devastated over something) But thats me being selfish. I feel worse for Laura, she knows that she let me down, and disappointed her friends and herself even.

So i hate to draw blame, and be selfish. Sometimes though I just need to assure my own wants, desires and needs.

This is all so difficult.


If you read this far, thank you. I will respond to any comments or questions.

Thanks for having me.

Dan Cronson.

[Lucky13pck]

I apologize for posting this in the wrong section. To be truthful I didnt exactly look below panic disorders. My apologies.

[Rousette]

Hi Lucky,

I hope you wil come back to read this.

I am on the other side of this issue from you - I'm the one with the disorder.  I can tell that you really love your GF and that you are doing the absolute best that you know how to help her and also to survive & thrive yourself.  This is no easy task.

Perhaps we can help each other somewhat, since I'd love to know how I can help my husband as he cares for me in the same way you are caring for your girlfriend, and I'm sure he feels many of the things you are feeling.

I think it is perfectly legitimate for you to feel frustrated beyond belief with what is happening in your life.  Sure, she's got troubles too - and they aren't intentionally caused by her - but YOU are your own person with your own needs and wants and right now, in this relationship, you are having to put ALL of that on the back burner.  It is not surprising that you might be asking yourself "Is this something I'm okay with for the rest of my life?" "Would I be the worst person in the world if I couldn't handle it?"

Sometimes I wish my husband would leave me.  I wish that he would say "I can't deal with this" because honestly I watch him shrivel away each time my mood deteriorates.  he is helpless and hopeless, just like I feel.  It's like he 'catches' it from me.  This, of course, makes me feel worse and then the situation escalates.  We are kind of trapped.  he won't leave because financially I'm dependent.. plus because he loves me and wants me to get better.  He always says 'When it is good with you, it is SO very very good."  So he waits for the good times. 

Is that what you are doing?  Do you think you can keep it up for years?  I only ask the hard questions because life is long, tough, and it'll force you to answer them someday under less ideal circumstances.

I wish I would have been able to keep working because if I had a way to pay my own bills I'd leave so that he could be happy.  I wouldn't have much of a life, but all in all I truly think it'd be better for both of us, at least for a while.  Living with someone watching me go through this is so anxiety inducing, and for him it must be a spiralling nightmare. 

not the most upbeat postl I know.. sorry.  feel free to write again if you like.
Rousette

[Viki]

Rousette, I am in the exact same boat, finacially and all.

Lucky, I have GAD and eating issues. It is heartbreaking to look at my husband when I eat. We have a lot of attacks out in public. I am not able to work either. Everything has come to be to much and I can't do anything. It sounds like your girlfriend struggles with doing a lot of the same stuff as me like being at functions and groups of people. My biggest thing is the grocery store. When we are looking at stuff in the store that is not on the list or has lots of calories he tells me "Well you haven't consumed the calories and we haven't bought anything yet." I guess he tries to stallit for as long as possible. Everyone who has these sort of disorders has something that helps slowly calm them down. If you can figure hers out you are in a good spot. If you can catch an attack with first possible symptoms and you can use that method early, it could save a lot of hassle and embaresment in public. Some people should check into a in patient facility. I unfortunatly am one of those people who needs to work some stuff out before it gets better. Would that maybe be an option for her if she feels her anxiety is bad enough?
I am very sorry you have to go through this. It breaks my heart to hear some of the things my husband says and is okay with. He shouldn't just be okay finding me passes out and have to bring me to the hospital. My husband and I are very close, sometimes I do feel he is only here because I need him finacially but i do believe he loves me. When I decided to go to treatment I was worried we were going to break up. He told me that if I didn't go get help he believes that would one day break us up. You need to figure out if this is something that you can accept or not. Some people really struggle with anxiety, be okay for 13 years and then relaps. Could you handle that?

[floridaguy65]

Nice, personal replies from Vicki and Rousette:)

I feel your angst. Love is tough, sometimes. Love with anxiety disorder(s) (on either side of the relationship) can make it even tougher, for sure. You sound like a caring, insightful and very nice young man, Dan. I'm sure Laura knows how lucky she is to have you in her life. And, I'm sure you know that she doesn't want to suffer from mental health issues., as well.

You said, "Because I feel that if she can learn to live again with these disorders, that she too can be individually happy."

To me, this is what's crucial. Getting her (or her getting) the appropriate help which best affords her the opportunity for her to learn how she CAN learn to live, well, with the mental health issues. Of course, this can be a very challenging task. For one, when peeps get "lost", so to speak, in their journey with mental health issues, they can, very often, feel completely hopeless and helpless to seek out their true healing path. When struggling, anxiety / depression sufferers feel that lasting peace is a million miles away...far from them being able to even attempt at attaining some. Another challenge is, actually, finding the right help. Often, there can be a good deal of trial and error as far as the meds go and as far as the right type of therapy or the most sound type of self-help, for her case.

Is Laura currently in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist? Do you know her med situation?

As you said, you hold many of Laura's attributes in very high regard. And, of course, you love her. Seeing through the mental health issues can be taxing, at times, I know. But, you can do this and you see the whole person with whom you fell in love. When peeps struggle with mental health issues, at the levels described here on The AZ often, these issues might be a part of their lives for the foreseeable future (or even forever). From what you describe in your post, Laura likely falls into that category. So do I...so do many, many people. But, that is quite OK. As I mentioned earlier, the key is learning how to live, well, alongside of our mental health issues and this CAN be done. I've done it to my own extent, and many others have too, as well. There is ALWAYS hope and help.

You're young, 21, and have most of your life ahead of you. I can't tell you what to fully do, here, in your situation. I applaud you, mightily, for reaching out to others who know what Laura might be going through, and seeking out some information as to what might be done. You seem as though you truly want to help her, and I feel this in your post. Again, I commend you:)

Keep in mind that the outlook of the future of someone who is really struggling with mental health issues is tremendously skewed by those issues, themselves. The perception of what lays ahead is often faulty. The hope of having a purposeful life wanes, greatly, when struggling. But, this all might, certainly, improve when the right course of actions can be found. When the best way to one's healing path can be determined. Once a true healing path is discovered then there can be the tremendous and wonderful ability to accept our mental health issues and learn how to best live, well, along with our trials:) This can be a difficult and trying challenge, though, as I previously mentioned. But, to me, it is worth every single bit of effort...every single bit of tears and sweat and exasperation.

IMHO (my desire, I suppose:), at 21, you have some time and the energy and the flexibility to hang in there with Laura and see how you might be able to gently guide her in seeking out her true healing path, perhaps. I say this because I know things can get better for her. I say this because I know, from your post, that you love her dearly. What a, potentially, lifetime reward you might receive for your love, your caring and your determination!:)

Have you considered asking Laura come on to The AZ and express her feelings and some of her, current, trials? It can be a wonderful place for some compassionate feedback and there are many super caring and nice peeps here:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[Lucky13pck]

These responses are great. Thank you all.



Laura and I have been having some talks recently. I told her that I was having difficulty staying determined now, but we've both taken to new measures to help ensure both of our happiness in the relationship. Im hopeful for our future, its just very difficult sometimes to see it.  She is on a lot of medication, im not sure of her exact dosages though. As far as help, she is seeing several psychologists and therapists. Luckily she comes from an incredibly wealthy background so she is able to afford it.

I may ask her to read these posts, it would be somewhat a step outside of my comfort zone but I feel that she would know i did this only because I love her.


Thank you all for the responses, Ill stay updated.

[floridaguy65]

I may ask her to read these posts, it would be somewhat a step outside of my comfort zone but I feel that she would know i did this only because I love her.

In life, there will be lots of times when we have to step outside our comfort zone, in order to attain something that we might want. I'm sure she would see you coming here as a labor of love:) Knowing that there are many other peeps, out in this world, who struggle with anxiety and depression (and being able to interract with them and see some hope) is a healing power unto itself.

Keep on helping:)

[Viki]

Who knows, maybe she might even want to join for extra support after you show her.

I agree we all have to step out of our comfort zones to get what we won't.


I think if you were to show her your post it could mean aa lot for her. To me it shows you really do care and are trying to make an effort in your relationship. It also shows you are doing your research and are tryingg to understand. That is ver sppecial!

[tjackson414]

Hey,

I can really sympathize with your situation to a degree. I just posted an equally if not longer vent of my own. My girlfriend is an incredibly spectacular being who loves me for who I am and treates me better than I knew was possible... except when limited by anxiety phases. We've only been together 6 months, so I've witnesses just one trend, downward, rapidly, ultimately sending her home half-way across the country (from vacation, to where we live) to go inpatient at a psych ward here. I actually do have a history of mental illness (bipolar) but while medicated the past few years it hasn't been that bad. I completely sympathize with needing to learn not to intervene - I am inclined to do that so heavily and its one of the worst things possible for a sufferer of SAD or related anxiety disorders. Social events have also become difficult/nonexistent, but there WAS a time when I saw my girl cheerful and happy just like you did. I guess I can't paint you a sunny picture, but I can sympathizing. Feeling bad for myself in this situation makes me terrible because I know the state that she is in, but I think most of the world outside would imagine the experience of coping with dramatic mood disorders to be in themselves quite stressful (of course, flaring up various aspects of my bipolar). All the advice I can give is that you sit down with your g/f (at a moment of relative stability) and voice your concerns, offering something you see that you could do to prevent her from getting so bad, and hopefully that can start a conversation where you can set a few new "rules" to make things a bit healthier (I'm crossing my fingers that this works for me tomorrow when she is released). PM me if you have any super-specific questions and such.