My thoughts.

[mommabear]

Saturday, April 23, 2011
Easter weekend, a trip to the zoo with the kids.
As we make our way on the 2 and a half hour trip I'm not feeling right, I can't place what's wrong, I just feel odd.
We get to the city, we need some things from the store, I stay in the truck with my kids.
Panic hits me. The first time in 13 years.
At first naturally I thought I was dying, then I remember all the feeling's I was plagued with years prior.
We made it to the zoo and I see the crowds (300,000 plus people enter the gates that day)
My legs feel like jelly, terribly weak, but I COULD NOT let my kids down, we proceed inside.
I kept thinking, what if I pass out, possibly even drop dead. Will they find me in the hoards of people, will I get to help in time?
You know those typical thoughts.
I was uneasy all day, but I made it through.
As we near the end of zoo day a little boy drops his bottle of water, I pick it up and hand it to him. At first I thought he might be lost but then I see his mother sitting on a large rock. She looks like I do pale, scared, short on breath. I ask if she is alright. She doesn't answer me, I was standing in front of her yet didn't notice me. I leave her be just in case she heard but didn't want to be bothered.
Thinking back I should have asked her once more if she was alright, just to be sure, maybe I could have helped her through whatever she may have been going through.
We find our way back to the truck, and parked across from us a young lady, she looks weak, walking with the assistance of a cane.
A bright red bandana covering what once may have been beautiful long hair.
She is there with her children, they are all smiling, beautiful, and so happy.
Happy to be alive and together.
I think of her often, I hope she is healthy and still smiling.
I feel guilty about complaining to myself about my anxiety, when there are so many going through far, far worse.
I try remember that everyday. As hard as anxiety is to deal with, it could be some much more worse couldn't it?
If I see any one in distress, I will be there to listen, if they need a hand I will give them mine.
When I learn to accept my anxiety for what it is, I will come out stronger than ever.
Maybe it will even save my life.
Some time and patience and allow no room for discouragement and we will all be fine.
Live life to the fullest, I don't want to die with regrets.
I am all positive today how will I be tomorrow? LOL
I have anxiety/panic disorder
Agoraphobia (leave the house maybe every 2 months if I have to!)
Total Hypochondriac (big time!)
No COD that I am aware of(maybe I do)
Mild Depression (anxiety triggered but under control, I think!)
Driveophobic (is there a med term for fear of driving?)
I can drive a couple of kilometers but turn to mush soon after.
Pillaphobic ( term for this? I won't take meds this girl is waaay too scared!! perhaps I should)
I'm not sure why I wrote this but.....Thanks for listening.

[LindaRK]

I enjoyed reading your post.  I've had experiences like that many times.

These days, when I'm out and about, I often look at people and wonder what their trials and tribulations might be ...... could they have anxiety or depression?

I wouldn't compare yourself to someone with a visible physical illness or even a physical illness that is more acceptable to society than anxiety.  I facilitate support groups for anxiety/bipolar and depression and the people who have bipolar or depression and who have experienced anxiety?  They say anxiety is worse than the other two.  Not that it makes us feel better, but it sure can let us know the kind of struggle we're experiencing.

There have been times where I wished I had something physical - something the doctors would say - yes, you have THIS and this is how we can treat it.  Then it gets treated and you either get over it or die from it.  But anxiety?  In my opinion, it's just a trial and error thing and even then, who knows if there is really a fix.

[mommabear]

I'm just saying I hate having anxiety, I hate how it makes me feel, but things could be so much worse.
I will take anxiety over any other debilitating or terminal illness.
I doubt my life will ever be the same as it was, there probably is no cure for it,but a normal life isn't out of reach.

[exhausted2012]

Hi! I read your post and you are so right. There are far worse things than having anxiety. however sometimes we loose sight of it when we are slammed with excessive worry. I know for myself I have the massive "what ifs" and sometimes when I see people who are sick or disabled I don't have time to think of how Lucky I am because I start thinking what if that was me. Or what if that was my child. The last part of your post really hit home with me when you said we do have a chance at a normal life ;) that just made me feel so much better. My anxiety has been at an all time high and I was really thinking it would never get better. You just gave my hope back and brought me back to reality in realizing that I should be thankful I JUST suffer from anxiety . Thank you for your post ;) hope all is well with you !

[evwifey]

i feel the same way.  i have been dealing with this anxiety now for a little over a year.  it started with an infection, and now i have become a hypochondriac.  little things can set it off, but i was in a "remission" for a couple of months and felt just fine.  some days are worse than others.  most mornings are bad.  i wake up and for a minute feel ok, and then it sets in....  that terrible dread feeling.  anxiety is probably the worst thing i have had to deal with, and it's tough.  but it can be managed.  it's hard, but possible.  i have read a lot of success stories.  it's all about thinking positive.  ever wonder why it's so much easier to think bad things than good?  honestly, i think a lot of it has to do with our society these days focusing on such bad news all the time.  if you read the headlines, 90% of them are bad.  it can be so overwhelming, especially when you have little kids.  wouldn't it be nice to wake up and think only good things? 
anyway, i appreciate your posts.  there are days when i sit and think that this has become my life and no one understands, but then i read these posts and know i am not alone.  i think there is hope for all of us!!

[tanjab74]

What a story. we allways think the worst, but we are actually completely healthy. My moms friend is a dr and she said when I was complaining about anxiety that I shoul visit paliative care and visit dying people that are dying from real desease. I was so ashamed, but it did not help me, it is stronger than me. I am really ashamed

[mommabear]

Tanjab,
Don't be ashamed. Anxiety is very real, and extremely difficult to get through,I struggle everyday with it, and though I know I will never be the same as I was many years ago, that's O.K. If I went to visit a pallative care center it would kill me, seeing people in that state.
Anxiety is NOT stronger than you or I or anyone.People with severe, severe cases can live a normal life.If they can do it so can we!
Don't lose hope.I know I won't.