Need moral support for starting new journey

[intheclouds]

I never thought I would be back in one of these forums but 6 years later here I am. I am about to start taking a 3 month supply of cipralex because my anxiety/PTSD has gotten the best of me....

History: I dealt with depression all through out highschool. I had friends, was smart and had it all going on (I guess, although at the time I didn't think so). I always felt like I didn't fit in, like I was a black sheep. I grew up in a house with immigrant parents/grandparents and live in a highly immigrant area...the mentality was/still is VERY backwards. I found it very hard to be myself growing up in that environment being told how  a young girl should behave. I spent all my time on forums such as this and talking to online friends about my depression. At 18 I moved out to go to university thinking I would finally meet people that think like me and finally get away from all the boundaries my parents set up. University was a great experience...I finally learned to deal with  my depression and really enjoyed myself. I became a healther person overall until my last year when I cheated on my long term boyfriend. Why I cheated? I was drunk and very stupid (not an excuse, I know). I went through a horrible time, especially after I told him and eventually a few months later I left him (he still stayed with me!?!?). I felt even MORE horrible because this was the time he blew out his knee and was forced to retire as an athlete...he was very depressed and I was very depressed/guilt took the best of me. This was at the end of 2009.

Then 2010 rolled around and I graduated from university. I thought my life was going to get better, I landed a job immediately, moved back home (I actually missed living at home and had built a relationship with my parents). The night of my convocation ceremony I went for dinner and dancing with some girlfriends to celebrate. A friend of mine was meeting up with this (engaged) guy she had been sleeping with. I didn't condone this and it gave me a really bad feeling...this guy didn't seem good news to me but I figured she can do whatever she pleases. She is a big girl and if this is what she wants to do, I'll be there as her friend (she was my only good friend at the time that I shared everything with, including my history of depression) Well he arrives with 2 other friends...I begin to talk to mingle with them and actually was having a good time. There was a lot that happened that night but long story short...I ended up at the apartment with the 3 guys and they raped me. One guy stood by while the other two went at it.

A few days later I texted my ex boyfriend (that I had previously broken up with at the end of 2009, by now it was June 2010) and sent a message saying, "you were right. I should have listened to you" (He always used to tell me I was way too nice to strangers, which is true.) He called me immediately and we have been together ever since. Ever since this incident I have developed anxiety...I get very bad mood swings...I will cry uncontrollably...I FEEL so much and I don't know how to deal with it. It's been 1.5 years and I have finally just been able to start talking about it. Even my counsellor doesn't know the whole story...

I thought everything was getting better...I was eating right, working out, started a new masters degree recently. I was waiting for christmas 2011 to roll around so I could see a few of my best friends from university because we would all be getting together and having good times again. Christmas 2011 turned out to be so depressing that I don't even want to remember how bad it was for me...I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I guess i need to realize my friends have moved on and our lives have changed. I moved back home and they all went their ways.

Ever since my incident I have had a hard time making new friends. I used to be so chatty and wonderful to be around and now I am always looking out to see who's out to take advantage of me next. I feel like my friend stabbed me in the back as well...she was sleeping with this horrible guy (who was cheating on his fiance). I recently spoke to her for the first time since it happened and it's so weird talking to her. I don't even know who she is anymore.

My boyfriend is wonderful but I am feeling so guilty. I thought I had forgiven myself but I can't. He deals with my stupid angry outburts and I hate that he has to deal with me. I know we love each other very much but sometimes I feel like I should just leave him, for his own good. I am not good for him. He shouldn't have to deal with me.

I took a 2 week trial of cipralex in Jan 2012 and it did WONDERS for me. I was so easy going...my moods were so calm. The only downside was I was not able to orgasm and I can't feel any emotions...I just felt numb. It almost made me unproductive in a way because I like to have a little stress to get me going. After talking to my doc I got a 3 month prescription but didn't fill it because I wasn't sure if I wanted to feel like a zombie all the time. But in the one week of being off of it I have been having crazy crazy mood swings at all times of the day.

I am telling myself it is OK to get extra help (ie the medication). It is only temporary. I want to get better. I want to be my old self again...I want to be approachable, happy and friendly again. I want to feel confident in myself...that i am smart and I am capable of achieving my dreams. I want my boyfriend to enjoy being around me and to not have to worry he's with a pyscho.

I feel like when I try to take control of my life everything just falls apart...I know I am a bit obsessive and a control freak but I can't stop that part of me. When I am on cipralex...I am way more relaxed and don't care about all the little details. I want to learn to be like that without medication.

Sorry for the long post. I really needed to get this out somewhere. I am not comfortable telling anyone this stuff about my life.

[rayandrae]

Hi,

First of all, it is no surprise that the anxiety has gotten the best of you. You were assaulted in a brutal and vulnerable way. That simple fact alone takes a great deal of time to heal from. And I am glad you have gotten some medication so that you don't feel so badly.

What I didn't see is if you are in therapy. Is your doctor aware of why you are wrestling with these issues? And are you getting help in dealing with the trauma? There are some excellent forms of therapy out there for PTSD, but they really need a secure and supportive environment. I would really encourage you to look into it if you haven't already. You can regain some of your joy and heal from the trauma that this has caused to you on a very deep level; it won't disappear but it doesn't have to steal your life. You have had enough trauma as it is.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a wonderfully compassionate person. My husband is that way, and it makes all the difference in the world. You have obviously learned to truly value compassion through his kindness and through the awful situation you have found yourself in. Learning to value the small kindness's we come across is one of the upsides to pain.

Thank you for posting. It was very brave to be willing to discuss it. There are many people here who have suffered trauma due to abuse or sexual trauma. I hope you can make some friends and you can regain some of your confidence in people.

Rae.

[intheclouds]

I have been seeing a counsellor on and off for the past year and a half. I have been going to her constantly now and we are starting EMDR (I think that's what is called) because I have gone on the medication. Before when we started EMDR therapy it was too much for me and I was too vulnerable. It would leave me feeling very emotional. It still happens a lot...I dont understand why I am so darn emotional. Then I end up taking it out on my poor boyfriend or family. I am so sick and tired of feeling this way. This is why I am allowing myself to go on the medication (I don't like the idea of using medication to make me a better person)

I am very dedicated to getting better but I am also very impatient. The police case went no where with this and is now closed. I am so fustrated that they won't be charged and will walk away. Two of them are new pharmacists....I want to end their careers so badly. But I believe in karma so I should focus on myself and not hurting others.

 I doubt my so-called friend (the one who was having an affair with the rapist) told the police anything...I know he physically abused her because she told me after she found out he raped me. When I told her we had to tell the police she wouldn't say anything because she was scared he would retaliate. We stopped speaking and only recently started talking. I am dying to ask her if she has seen him or what happened during that year we stopped talking but I am too scared to bring it up. I don't trust her at all so we are no longer friends. I keep in touch with her because I just want to confront her about what happened, ask her the questions and then never talk to her again. However so far I have not had the courage to do so.

I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow after a month. I think it's finally time we start talking about what actually happened...I have been experiencing flashbacks everyday. Usually it was night time once in awhile and now it is everyday, all day.

Thank you for your kinds word Rae. I am very lucky to have my boyfriend and cherish all his support. I have so much anxiety about the future...if he will leave me. I feel like he's only with me because I am so fragile and he's waiting till I get strong enough so he can leave. It's given me so much anxiety that I had to start taking medication due to all my panic attacks.

I hope eventually I am able to trust people again and be able to live my life.

[rayandrae]

Hey sunshine,

I am glad you are in therapy full time now, or at least will be. Rapid eye therapy has been highly effective for some PTSD sufferers; and I am glad you are trying it. I am so sorry that you are not able to get resolution with the assault. That is going to take a long time to come to terms with I think. And anger is a healthy expression of your dealing with the pain. May I suggest though, that you try to find a little compassion for your friend. Likely he did more than "simply" abuse her too. Fear makes us do terrible things sometimes ....

Please continue to post and use this forum to reach out. There is also a blog section that may be really useful to yourself (and to others) to be able to express the pain you are feeling. And that may help a little bit at home. Sometimes we have to vent, so we can actually reach the pain.  One thing I must make mention of though, the medication is not going to make you a better person; the medication is going to help you deal with the raw emotional pain you are experiencing. Honey, it is not you being grumpy that is hard for those you love; it is watching you in pain. So good for you for taking the steps proactively and taking some meds. There is not shame in helping yourself to recover some stability with your brain chemicals, while you try to deal. It is incredibly intelligent.

I am really sorry that you are in this kind of pain. It sounds awful. And we are here to read and walk alongside you. You aren't alone ... and you have those is your life who obviously love you.

Rae