It's been a very rough month.

[treadstone]

I had my first panic attack in June 2010. I rushed to the hospital thinking I was dying of a heart attack. Ever since then I've dealt with anxiety on and off - if I did have an anxious episode, it usually only lasted a few hours at most. In November 2010, I had a week-long anxious episode in which I did very un-manly things like cry and ask my mom to hold me. And I was 23 at the time! It turned me into a baby.

2011 was mostly a good year, but 2012 so far has been very difficult. I feel much like I did back during the awful week, and this time it's gone on for over three weeks.

I started out with a fixation on my breathing. I obsessed over it. On a couple of occasions I grew very aware of my heartbeat. I had troubles falling asleep. I tried so hard to stay positive - singing cheerful songs to myself, reading out on the balcony in the afternoon sun, trying to smile. Sometimes pretending I'm happy helps me when I'm just 'normally sad', but this time it hasn't been helping.

The longer this goes on, the worse I feel. I'm starting to feel very sad on occasion. Hopeless.

My appetite is greatly diminished. When I do eat, my anxiety seems to get worse.

I can make it through the occasional two-hour period of anxiety once or twice a month, but I'm starting to grow very weary of this long period.

In the middle of writing this post, I began to shiver with imaginary cold and feel sore all over. I had to take a half-pill of alprazolam.

Half-pills of alprazolam are my 'last resort'. I've taken maybe sixteen of those half-pills since I developed anxiety. I used perhaps ten between June 2010 and December 2011. I have taken six this January alone. It has become so difficult. I live such an easy life compared to most other people - I have a comfortable house, I never go hungry, and most of the time I have no real worries. My family is kind and entire years can go by without a shouting match. A lot of people would love to have my life. I'm not sure why I need to be so anxious.

I've tried looking for help online. I love AnxietyZone so much. It's helped me in the past. But reading about other people's issues sometimes makes mine worse. I start to imagine what it would feel like to be those people, and to have those sensations and troubling thoughts that I don't currently have. I can't stop my mind from doing so.

My mom tries to help - she has had anxiety in the past - but she puts on a surprised face every time I tell her I'm feeling anxious. Every time, she tells me she can't believe a young man like me can be so scared of nothing in particular.

My girlfriend is a sweetheart but she has anxiety too, and I have a terrible suspicion that a year and a half of telling her all about what I feel when I'm anxious have made her anxiety worse. She did not have any fears about her breathing or heartbeat until after I had told her about mine. She wants to help but if I'm making her life worse, I don't want to.

I have no one else to count on. I was wondering if anyone here wanted to talk to me. I know I'm not alone with my anxiety but it feels like it right now.

[MusicLover13]

Hello  I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am constantly aware of my heartbeat. I am always, always checking my pulse and even making my parents check my pulse. It has been getting a lot worse, I have thoughts that i am going to die, which then cause me to freak out really bad because i am scared its actually going to happen. You are most definitely not alone!

[treadstone]

Hello  I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am constantly aware of my heartbeat. I am always, always checking my pulse and even making my parents check my pulse. It has been getting a lot worse, I have thoughts that i am going to die, which then cause me to freak out really bad because i am scared its actually going to happen. You are most definitely not alone!

Thank you very much. You're not alone either! Though I guess you already know that.

I know that all my problems are in my head, that they can't physically hurt me, but I still have so much trouble with my anxiety. I don't know why.

[MusicLover13]

It kinda helps if you just say to yourself "It is only my anxiety, so i know it will not hurt me." The attack overall is really scary, and it definitely feels like something is wrong, but if you take a deep breath and realize that it CANNOT hurt you, it relaxes your mind.

[losthobbit]

I know very much how you feel dealing with the chronic anxiety. I have the same fear of giving my anxiety to other people, especially people I live with. It is a really scary thought, but realize its a product of our oversensitivity and constant dwelling on what could "scare" us. What has helped me with this is thinking that we are not stuck with anxiety forever, it is a temporary state of mind, and by using the right methods we can leave this state of mind.

[treadstone]

Thank you, MusicLover13 and losthobbit!

Back when I first developed anxiety, I was afraid of anxiety physically harming me, but I don't feel that way very often anymore.

I'm just scared of being scared, and I've been scared for so long that I'm growing very tired and sad.

Sometime in February I'm going to the doctor. Hopefully I'll find some sort of solution to my problems, or at least a way to lessen how much they affect me.

[MusicLover13]

You're welcome! You will find something to help you, there are many options. I am going to the doctor on Monday, so i will see how that goes.

[strangerdanger]

You said that your mother minimizes your anxiety, that can't help the situation.  I know most people that have never experienced anxiety don't know how crippling it can be. 

I'm happy to see you are going to talk to your Doctor.

[motherless1]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.  I understand how overwhelming those emotions can be.  You're definitely not alone.

[bumblebee]

It sounds like you're looking for real-time support. You don't find as much in your mom, and feel like reaching out to your girlfriend would drag her down as well.

I'm a person with basically zero support. I keep it all locked up, dealing with the issues quietly within myself. It's both good and bad. During times when I do have some support, I mellow out a lot, and take in what I can get. It would be nice to continue this kind of support, but it's not possible.

In the end, it all boils down to paying someone to listen to me, with the benefit of hopefully reduced anxiety. Have you considered therapy for yourself, especially before you'll get into it much deeper?

You are really not alone! I used to think I was, looking at people passing me by, wondering what separated me from them, and why my life can't be "normal". But, who's to say theirs is?

Keep us posted!

[kactusflwr]

I know how you're feeling. The past couple of weeks have been the same way for me, and my last resort was 1/2 a Xanax. The whole fiasco was starting to make me depressed; I felt like I had no hope for a normal life. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without having a panic attack. However, the past week I've started getting better. I've been doing lots of deep breathing exercises, reminding myself that feeding my anxiety will only make it worse, and I also went back on Zoloft. Perhaps you should try some type of drug to help with the anxiety. It doesn't solve the problem completely, but it sure does make it a lot easier to function!