ROCD?

[kate.r]

Hi, I'm new here.

I'm not going to write a lot, I'll only point out major problems:

I have this wonderful boyfriend, who understands me and my thoughts/feelings/etc. I know I love him, very very much, but I can't seem to live happily in our perfect relationship. We were dating for 6 months when it began (our relationship is now 2 years and 6 months): all of a sudden, I realized i had to break up with him, just because i felt like i wasn't feeling the butterflies every time we were together. we broke up, but after 3 or 4 days i ran back to him, as i couldn't stand the pain anymore. this happened again. and again. it's been more than a year since i stopped having these freaking ideas of breaking up with him every time i don't feel like i love him. sometimes i'm just not as lovely to him as i usually am and that scares me a lot. besides that, i feel awful when i don't find him attractive. also, when i am attracted to another guy, i just want to hide forever, 'cause i feel like i'm cheating on him. And lately, i have this stupid habit of comparing my relationship to others', or even comparing my boyfriend to other guys... i feel so bad just for typing this. he is aware of my problems, but i don't feel like i'm being a good girlfriend to him. i want this to stop, so badly...
if there is someone out there with the same issues, please help me.

(sorry for any mistakes you might find in this text, since i'm not native english speaker)

[sam83]

hi how are u my name is sam and have ocd its my first day here and i will love to help u,my problem is that i keep things tidy to much and its driving me mad,u just have to be strong hope to here from u.sam

[kate.r]

hi sam, thank you for replying to my post.

i forgot to add that i also have other obsessions. just like you i'm very tidy (but very messy with college notes). when i don't have time to clean the house, i feel extremely uncomfortable. i just want to leave and never come back. sometimes i argue with my parents because my brother leaves dishes or other stuff in every room and i'm always cleaning his mess up. i know i take it to a level where my mom almost loses her pacience...
but besides that, i think i have ocd since i was very young, 11 years old or something. i would tell every single thought that'd cross my mind to my mom. the thing is, these thoughts were mainly about her and that was so frustrating, because i had to tell her or i would feel very anxious. now i do this with my boyfriend...
later, i started to have hypochondriac thoughts. i even made a CT to check if i had a brain tumor. and for a while i was afraid of having a heart attack..

ocd or not it's something i have for a long time already...

[kate.r]

there is this feeling of "not-behaving-as-a-good-girlfriend"... this week we've had exams, so we can't see each other much... i've finished my exams on wednesday and until then, i was ok. now that i don't have to study hard, i'm being a freak. always thinking about how bad a girlfriend i am and waking up with the feeling i should be with him... he was the one who told me not to be with him until next monday, because he wanted to study and therefore wouldn't be a good company, but still, i think i'm being a bad girlfriend. by reading this, it sounds stupid, but i know that in a few minutes, i'll be thinking about it again.
anyway, i figured that by writing about this stuff, i feel relieved.

[blacksheep]

Hi Kate,

thank you so much for posting here! I'm so overwhelmed and relieved to hear someone going through the same experience I've had. I was terrified while in this experience and have been so afraid of it happening ever since, but most of all, I've felt incredibly guilty and sad about following through with my intrusive thoughts.

I was very attached to a good friend who loved me very much, and I wanted to make things work. He was my first boyfriend, so naturally I was a bit anxious anyway. He lived in another town, and I already started experience  intrusive thoughts very early on, only I didn't understand what they were. I felt the compulsion to contact him every single day or it meant I didn't care about him anymore. If I didn't think about him constantly, that made me panic. I was terrified I wouldn't like him anymore by the time he visited me. I was so driven to exhaustion by this obsessing that I hardly even wanted to talk to him, but I had to, or it meant I didn't like him (bad cycle, huh?). I started to forget all the reasons we were such good friends and was just clouded by repetitive thinking patterns, and I was so upset that I was losing all the butterflies and excitement I used to feel.
Eventually he visited for a good week, and we had such a good time. It was so wonderful, and he was so kind. He bought me an expensive dinner, we played like little kids in the street, he met my family, it was amazing. We agreed that we liked each other. But by the time he left, I started having massive panic attacks in the middle of the night. I wrote lists of all the things I liked about him, just to convince myself I still did. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I lost my appetite and wanted to do nothing but sleep all day. I felt miserable.
I convinced myself it'd all be better if I went and saw him, so I did, and we dated for two weeks. But by the end of the second week, I could've jumped in the nearest lake. I was so anxious I was still having panic attacks, and I was convinced I had to break up with him, just because I kept thinking it. I couldn't stop thinking it. I didn't want to, I just had to. Our last three days together we were at his parents house so I had to wait until we could get back so I could leave after breaking up with him, so I obsessed continuously about how to do it, what to say. I savoured every moment being with him, knowing it would be the last. I said goodbye to his belongings. It was so traumatic, I felt so out of control. I had that horrible guilty sense of loyalty every time I thought I looked at another man. I hated myself if I found him unattractive. By the time I returned home to my parents, I was just glad it was over. I crashed for months. I'm much, much better now, but I'm so afraid of it happening again.

Anyway, Kate, I'm just so, so, so happy that someone else has experienced something similar. You feel like you're going crazy. You feel so guilty. And you feel so ashamed because just a minute ago, it seems, you were so, so normal. Everything was running smoothly. And you don't want to blame them, because it feels like it's all your fault and something to be deeply ashamed about. They haven't even done anything.

Keep posting, and I hope someone else contributes some helpful advice :)

[kate.r]

blacksheep, thank you so much for your post!

I can imagine what you've been through... sometimes i feel like I'm trapped and this will never go away. but when I'm better (yes, because i have phases that I'm actually better), i don't even believe how I've experienced such feelings/thoughts/etc...

If I didn't think about him constantly, that made me panic. I was terrified I wouldn't like him anymore by the time he visited me. I was so driven to exhaustion by this obsessing that I hardly even wanted to talk to him, but I had to, or it meant I didn't like him (bad cycle, huh?).

I UNDERSTAND you so much... it's exhausting. and it looks like a compulsion (kind of a ritual. if you don't do it, it means you don't like him.. exactly the same thing here)

he is my second boyfriend. i was too young (14 years old) when i started dating my first boyfriend; it lasted a year and 10 months. I broke up with him because i started feeling the same way you did.
by the way, before the second relationship i didn't date anyone for almost 5 years (2005-2009)

My second boyfriend has nothing to do with the first one (he's more kind and really cares about me). We started dating when i was almost 20, but we've known each other since our 10Th grade (i was 16). we lost touch after that year because i wanted to change to another course/area, and i always knew he had feelings for me.

anyway, three years later, we started talking again on the internet and i suddenly started having feelings for him... we met personally and after a month we started dating. i was aware of the problem that could come back while in a relationship (maybe that's why i was alone for so long and also why i developed hypochondria, among other problems), but i was too happy to care (and i did think i wouldn't have those feelings again if i only tried to shut them up as soon as they returned).

though, after two or three months in this relationship, small thoughts/feelings were already appearing before they returned much bigger. and when they did i broke up with him and it was painful for both of us.
the rest you know already...

now I'm 22 years old and desperate to be normal...

my boyfriend understands me (but i don't want to burden him with this stuff anymore)

once again, thank you for your post..  and keep in touch!
hugs!