Possibly dying, won't go to the doctor (female issue)

[snowberry]

Hello everyone. This is my first post.

For more than six years, I have had a hard and painful right breast. I noticed around 16/17 that when I bend over it feels heavier than the one on my left. I can't feel it for lumps - one, it's too painful, and two, I'm too scared of what I'll find.

Being a hypochondriac has prevented me from going to the doctor all these years. I know that if I have cancer, it is probably so far advanced that there is no hope for me. And yet, I'm getting tired of this pain, the prickly heat, the hardness. I dare not google symptoms because it will always turn up the worst possible result.

I know that in not going tot he doctor, I've been very, very stupid, and I have no one to blame but myself; however, I know deep down that I will have to go eventually. The pain has not gotten worse over the years, and I've had no other changes to my body. I haven't lost in weight; in fact, I've put on a couple of pounds.

I keep trying to tell myself over and over again that this is wrong, that I must see a doctor, that I may be fine or that I may have something curable but deadly, and that I should get it seen to. But then there's the fear of being told that I'm dying. I'd rather walk out my house tomorrow, get hit by a bus and die instantly than be told I've got five years left. I think this is kind of the heart of most hypochondriacs' fears - the fear of knowing when you're going to die.

I'm 23, have no history of breast cancer in my family (that I know of). And I keep telling myself this. Over and over. But nothing doing.

What can I do to make myself go and get seen? I can't live like this forever. Please, if anyone has any ideas or coping strategies, I'd really be happy to hear. I'm so scared, so please forgive the obvious stupidity of my situation

[deeferlynn]

Hello.
I know how you feel. I feel like I have (painful) lump in the left one, though I only notice it when I'm about to start my cycle. It may have something to do with that.
However, to put your mind at ease, you should probably see a doctor. And I know how scary it is. I'm convinced that I have cancer of some type-- stomach, lung, breast, now throat-- but I'm too afraid to see my doctor. Though, I have gone to see him and he told me that you should never fear going to them. I felt like I was a freak -- but he reassured me. He knows that when I go into his office that I have fears so he's very accomodating.
You're mind is probably getting the best of you. Give yourself a reward or something to look forward to if you stop in. And don't just rush into it. Give yourself an out so that you know that you can keep progressing to eventually ask them.
I hope this helps. And I apologize if this is really jumbled. I'm not the best at explaining my thoughts. lol.
Take care.

[snowberry]

Thank you, Deeferlynn.

Writing the post was actually quite cathartic - I feel I've calmed down a little.

I'm sorry to hear that you've also been having breast worries. I always try to remind myself that breasts are lumpy anyway, and that there are many problems associated with them that are entirely harmless. The pain I experience is at its worst/noticeable during my cycle. When I'm not on, I only experience pain if I touch/knock the affected area. 

I will definitely have to try and see a doctor. It may not be this week, but I think I will have to try. If any of my real life family/friends knew about this they'd be horrified, and rightly so.   I've had this issue since I was seventeen, at least. But then, I also didn't get an eye test until two years ago because I was convinced I had a tumour. Imagine being short-sighted since fifteen, having to squint at everything! This HA business has affected my life and my judgement to such a degree.

[vangellis]

Hi
Firstly I am a male, but having said that I have a wife and two daughters aged 18 and 23. All 3 of them have had the exact pain you are having, your NOT DIEING AT ALL! What you are experiencing is simple growing pains, it can happen to girls and young women of any age, and I know it can be very painfull and frightening.
All three members of my family went to the doctors over this and after a full breast examination by the doctor he prescribed Gamolenic acid capsules. In laymen terms, that's evening primrose capsules. they took them as perscribed, one daily and in a month the pain had gone.
It is a VERY COMMON complaint and absolutely nothing to worry about.
I bet if you pluck up the courage to go see your doctor, he will tell you exactly the same as I have just done, failing that just go to the supermarket and buy some evening primrose capsules, you will be fine

regards

Vangellis

[snowberry]

Thank you, Vangellis. I will see about getting evening primrose capsules asap. If there's no change within a month I'll just have to force myself to go to my doctor.

[myWorldofWorry]

I would be SHOCKED if at 23-years-old you've had breast cancer for six years. That is so unlikely and you'd be much sicker, I'd think. Around my period, my righ breast hurts but my left one doesn't. And it is always worse when I bend over. Ouch.

[snowberry]

Thank you, myworldofworry. The positive responses from this board have been most encouraging. What you said about being much sicker if it were more serious is one of the ways I attempt to reason with myself. Breast cancer, starting at 16/17? Not at all impossible, but incredibly unlikely.

[LindaRK]

You mentioned a hardness of your breast - do you think you could have fibrocystic breast tissue?  It's pretty common and can be treated.

[soccerash21]

Hi-

I totally know where you're coming from. A few days ago when I was taking off my nail polish, I noticed that there was a huge black spot under my big toe. I freaked and googled (as usual), and came up with things that I didn't really want to see. My fiance kept trying to convince me that it was a bruise, but I didn't buy it because I couldn't remember dropping anything on my toe. I finally caved and went to a dermatologist today. He looked at it, and told me he wasn't sure what it was, but did say it could possibly be melanoma. RIGHT. Like that's what I wanted to hear. He got me in for an appt. later on in the day with a podiatrist. The problem was, my fiance had to work at the time of the appt, and we live in a completely different state than our families. So I was stuck. Either push off the appt. to a day when my fiance could go with me, (but then panic and drive myself crazy until the day came), or go by myself and try to kick my HA in the butt. I am terrified of hospitals, doctors offices, anything relating to medical. So for me to go alone was a huge step for me. While I was waiting for my appt. I was freaking out more than I probably ever have before. All that kept running through my head was cancer. I wanted so badly to cancel, but I didn't want to let my HA get the best of me yet again. I went to the appt. alone, and the podiatrist figured out that it's just dried blood. I'm sorry for giving you this huge rant, but I was hoping that at least part of it would make sense and you would fight your fear and get checked out. You don't know what it could be, but if it is something serious, it's much better to catch it early rather than keep waiting. You haven't waited too long. I think if you are truly worried, you should just get checked. Explain to your gyno how scared and anxious you are about it all. It might help you feel better when you are actually there. I wish you the best of luck!

[snowberry]

Thanks once again to everyone's replies.

Just thought I'd post an update. I've been taking evening primrose capsules for the last week (the packet recommended three times daily for the first twelve weeks, and it has a high concentration of Gamolenic acid). At the end of the month I will evaluate my pain and see how I feel.

But even if the pain/sensation hasn't gone, a lot of my anxiety has. Writing my fears on here, getting them out in the open, really helped me to calm down. :) I will keep this situation updated.

[floridaguy65]

But even if the pain/sensation hasn't gone, a lot of my anxiety has. Writing my fears on here, getting them out in the open, really helped me to calm down. :) I will keep this situation updated.

Great:) Opening up and writing about our fears can, sure, help. When we internalize things our minds tend to begin to overanalyze our conditions. Then, all the intrusive "what ifs?" really start racing around our minds and they can cause a lot of panic, doubt and insecurity. There are many other habits you can embrace, as well, that might afford you some type of relief, too. Don't stop seeking your healing path from your anxiety issues:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[apple43]

If it helps, a lot of times mine are sore but it stems from the muscles behind them.  I have a lot of neck and shoulder tension and it can spread to the front of your chest too. 

[MamaMegs]

Hi sweetie! This is one of my areas of "expertise" so to speak. I did the same thing as you. I felt something hard in my breast when I was a young teenager. I told my mom after months of worrying and she laughed at me so I never talked about it again. It kept worrying me and eating at me for years, and yes it hurt! The more I checked it the worse the swelling got and the hardness,too. I finally got brave enough to ask my doctor about it after about 10 years and giving birth to 2 children. He said it felt normal to him. Did I listen? NO. I requested an ultrasound, then another at a higher-tech hospital, then a meeting with a breast surgeon. He told me it felt like normal tissue but I was SURE he missed something because the INTERNET said so. So, he said he would do a biopsy to find out for sure instead of waiting a few months to see. I went under anesthesia and had surgery to get a biopsy. He said then that it didn't look like cancer. I didn't believe him until the lab report came back. Guess what? It was NOT cancer. It was just fibrous tissue that lots of women have, especially young women. This was the start of my HA and I encourage you to just face it before you let it dig in it's claws anymore (the anxiety). It only gets worse...and going to the doctor will certainly alleviate your fears. If you had breast cancer at your age and had it for that long, you would probably be gone. really. You can't just let that go and it doesn't get worse. You would KNOW by now. But you will always wonder and the anxiety won't give you peace until you see it on paper. If it makes you feel any better, I am 29 years old and still kicking. :-)

[snowberry]

So an update.

I've been taking evening primrose for nearly two weeks now. I haven't felt any itchiness or pain in my breast for a while, but I haven't felt it yet to see if it's still hard and painful to the touch. I'm going to keep going with the evening primrose and see how it goes until the month is up. The lack of pain is probably more down to me not thinking about it and stressing about it than anything else (very important for us HA sufferers to keep in mind - the more you think about it, the worse it will get).

I think the most important thing is that I feel more positive about the whole thing now. I will probably always have HA, and health worries, but at the moment I'm calm and getting on with life. I will update this thread again in a few weeks :)

[snowberry]

Sorry for resurfacing an old thread, but it's better than making a new one, I think.

I've been feeling calmer about everything and I feel that the pain has been better since taking evening primrose. I'm still summing up the courage to go to a doctor, but I stupidly googled for information about fibrocystic breast tissue and, while it sounded a lot like what I've got, I also read that it's not at all likely to only be in one breast, which is my situation. Now I'm worried again. .__. *sigh* I should just got to a doc and get it over with, but I guess it's like any other fear. If you're reading this and don't understand why I can't just go, think about your worst fear - touching a spider, bungee jumping, whatever - and how terrified the thought of doing it makes you feel. That's my problem with visits to a doctor. I know it's stupid, but that doesn't stop me being scared.

[Flyerfan]

Snowberry: I know exactly how you feel about going to the doctors.  I have to drag myself to my annual gyno exam and mammo, which is coming up very soon. I have an eye appt next week...something I'm way overdue for...and I'm stressing about that. My eyes are not what they used to be and I'm pretty sure I need glasses but my HA is trying to tell me he will find something else wrong. 

I'm sorry, I can't help you with the problem you're having but I agree with others.  You are very young and if it was something sinister, after six years, you would not be here telling us about it. 

Ya know what I wish?  I wish there was a one stop doctor shop.  You go in, get all your tests, discuss any problems and get your results right away.  I know that's asking for a lot but it sure would alleviate a lot of anxiety.

Here's hoping someday we can overcome our fear of visiting the doctor.

[Sleepless AngelZ]

My doc actually said something very interesting and it has set my mind at ease. She said that if you find a lump in your breast and it hurts, it's probably very unlikely to be cancerous.

Good luck and keep us updated!