New to Anxiety, please help. I feel so lost. :(

[soccerash21]

First of all, thank you so much for reading. I'll try to make this as short as I can. This past August, I moved from Chicago where I spent my entire life living, to California with my then boyfriend because he got a job offer with an animation studio. Without hesitation or question about it, I went with him, We had been dating for 5 years, and I knew that I would be spending my life with him, so it was logical. I was not done with college yet however. I am 2 classes away from earning my Associates degree. But, I found out that the school I was attending would allow me to finish my classes online, so that wasn't a problem. We were both super excited to move. I'm 25 and he's 23, so it was that time that we moved out of our parents homes and started our lives together. Everything was fine until recently, when everything has just seemed to be a mess. In November, my boyfriend proposed, which was one of the happiest times of my life. But it just seems like since that happened, my anxiety has gone crazy. I recently started to develop health anxiety, which is a whole different issue. I'm having an extremely difficult time finding a job out here, and it's making me crazy. I'm starting to look into colleges out here to get my Bachelors, but it's all extremely overwhelming to me. Back at my school at home, I had a very good advisor that helped me figure everything out regarding school. Out here, that's a different issue. When we moved, I was so excited to be going all the way across the country and away from my family. Don't get me wrong. I love them to death and they mean the world to me, but I was 25, and it was just time to go out on my own. Recently though, I have started to miss them more than I ever thought possible. I'm sitting here crying right now because of how much I miss them. I'm so stressed out between trying to find a job, trying to find a school out here, missing my family, dealing with the reality of being a "grown up". It just sucks. I've got crazy anxiety going on right now, and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. I've had massive headaches for a few days, and I'm guessing it's just from the stress and anxiety that I've been dealing with. I love my fiance, and I moved to California so he could have his dream job. And I originally didn't have a problem with it. But now I'm having second thoughts, and there's really nothing I can do about it. Animation jobs are pretty much based in California, so I'm pretty much stuck here. I just miss my family, and sometimes, like right now, I wish I could pick up and move back home. Idk what I'm looking for here. I guess just some advice, or anything that might help calm me.

[ComposerMike]

Hi there, and welcome to the boards. I think if you stick around long enough you'll find quite a number of really kind, understanding people here whose stories will inspire and who you can lean on for support when you need it most.

I feel for you for three reasons:
1. I was born/raised in Chicago myself and still live just outside the city
2. I have a horrible time with change/moving/etc.
3. I've experienced the loss of a loved one before in my life because my symptoms/disorder wouldn't allow me to give in and move to another state

First, know that in my mind, you are extraordinarily brave for what you did for your boyfriend and his career. A little background on me - when I was about 23 I had the opportunity to move to be around my then-girlfriend, whom everyone in her family and mine believed were going to be married. Long story short - my panic disorder and related symptoms got so bad that I ended up pushing her away, partially because I was embarrassed and didn't want her to be around it/me - but also because she had to move back to where she grew up when she was done with her degree in Chicago. She was really close to her family, and it made too much sense to her. While I'm not close with my own family (in fact, therapists have speculated that many of my own problems are BECAUSE of my family!), I just couldn't do it. So, I lost her.

I don't regret what happened next... I started dating again, and met/fell in love with my wife, and aside from my ongoing battle with panic/depression, I am extraordinarily happy/lucky. I don't miss the lost girlfriend from before, and I didn't "settle" - my wife is the best partner a guy could have. But, from time to time I feel guilt that I hurt the other girl (though she's happily married with a baby and doing great in her own right) and didn't battle my demons more head-on when I was younger. I just wasn't ready.

So... in my mind, you've already done yourself a great service, and proven yourself capable of beating this thing.

I would say this - it seems from your post that you're seeing "the big picture" in the worst of ways. You're looking at the job problem, the school problem, and the distance-from-family problem all at once - which is enough to stress anyone out! Take things one day, and one thing at a time. Try to focus on something GOOD about today, and if it's a good day, then tackle something stressful with that good energy. If it's a bad day, give yourself some slack and just keep fighting.

Don't try to change the world in one day - and find yourself someone professional to talk to about all of this if you can. It seems like you've got a strong family bond, so you might reach out to them via phone/e-mail, too - just let the feelings out and let them know you miss them, etc. You'll be surprised at how good it feels just to know that they miss you, too - which I'm sure they do.

If you need more reassurance, feel free to message me, or hop on the chat boards - there are great people on there every day!

I wish you all the best.
- Mike

[soccerash21]

Hi Mike-

Thank you so much for your response, it really helped. We actually grew up and lived in Naperville, I'm not sure if you're familiar with it? Growing up and spending my entire life there, I kept saying how much I couldn't wait to get out of there. And now here I am, wanting to go back! Funny how that works. I think that is my problem though. I wake up and feel almost useless because there is so much that I need to do, but am having such a hard time doing it. The job thing is driving me absolutely insane. I can not tell you how many places I have applied, only to be told they aren't hiring. I'm trying to meet with advisors at schools out here, but it's not working too well. I haven't seen my family since August, and it's really getting to me. My fiance and I are hoping that we can go home next month to spend some time there, but we aren't sure if his boss will give him the time off. And I can't go myself because I get terrible anxiety when I fly, and I can't imagine how I would hold up doing it by myself. I have been pushing off going to talk to someone about everything, mainly because I don't want to rely on pills to make me feel better. Ugh. Idk. Maybe I just need to cave in.

[ComposerMike]

Naperville - of course I know it! I've actually conducted a few musicals out there, at North Central College. :)

Yes, it is funny how we never realize how much a pattern/system/space becomes a part of us until we're forced to change it. Moving is not easy, even amongst those of us without additional panic symptoms!

Like I said, just take it one step at a time, and try to focus on getting past one thing at a time. If you've gone out and applied for jobs - you should consider that a success, even if they said they weren't hiring. They're not rejecting you because you're bad - they're rejecting EVERYONE because the ECONOMY is bad!

You're doing great, just being in a new space and trying to make your way. And just think about how much you're loved, that your fiance knows you took that huge step for him. You'll get through this.

I'm in the same boat as you right now - not wanting to take medication, but feeling like it might be the thing that helps me get over the initial hump so that I can get back to enjoying life and step away from just surviving it. I've got my own therapist appointment in a few days, and I'll face that when I come to it - but I have to keep trying. I have so much to lie for. And so do you!

[floridaguy65]

To C-Mike: Welcome to The AZ!:) I've read a few of your replies to other peeps posts and you have a very nice, compassionate and insightful way of responding. Glad to have you here:)! I hope you can begin to get what you need, as well:)

Hi Soccer:) I agree with Mike's sentiments. One day at a time....break it down to seeking some peace for today:) But, have a plan about how you will address your anxiety issues. When we are really amped up with anxiety / panic, our vision of what the future holds for us is greatly skewed by those fears and insecurities and doubts that are laid upon us by our ADs. Our 'foggy'' minded perceptions are, just, not a very reliable predictor of what truly might be waiting for us as we carve out our niche in life. Anxiety makes us, often, feel helpless and hopeless. This is one of its most dominate tricks in which it can firmly grip us. Anxiety squeezes and tugs and pushes and runs over us until we might feel we, simply, don't even know where to turn. And then the "what ifs?" race in and we overanalyze EVERYTHING and we spin ourselves into a frenzy of uncontrollable worry. Sound familiar? I've been there, too. Most of us here on The AZ have been there, as well. Some are right there with you, currently. Hell, I'm well down my healing path, but I still embrace habits and actions that keep me moving along, all the while being cognizant of my serious struggles, in the past. I, STILL, deal with my anxiety on a daily basis. But, that's OK...I have been able to remove the dominate fears....so now they are manageable...and I can live quite well with "manageable", seeing from where I came:) You can, too. We can get our anxiety to not create major lifeflow interruptions. Is it easy? Nope. But, is it doable? YES:) To me, you must seek out the appropriate local help. Gentle guidance can be a wonderful thing when we might be drifting in the wind just hoping to land on some relief. That, typically, doesn't happen - sad to say. We do have to embrace habits and take action that can lead us to our healing path. Are meds required? Not required, but they have helped many peg down their anxiety and panic and insecurities about the future just enough to where they have been able to turn to those OTHER habits and actions, and embrace them. To me, it is those OTHER habits and actions and mindsets (our self-help work, generally) that will provide us with the most powerful and lasting peace and solace, if we are willing to work at it, diligently and as calmly as we can (I know how tough that last one can be, for sure:). Some can peg themselves down enough without a med and they can, then, try to embrace all that might help, for the longterm. Some can't. With a professional you can make that decision with some clarity, hopefully:) What do you feel you can do? As in today or tomorrow to help you facilitate getting some help. Why wait?:) You have pushed through some fears already and gotten some things done. Keep on truckin'! Don't sell yourself short, one bit, for what you have already accomplished. We tend to do that when we are really struggling with our anxiety issues. Keep pushing. Keep trying. Keep accepting. Your relief will come. It will!:)

What can you do? Write it down:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[soccerash21]

Thanks so much floridaguy! It's so nice to know that there are others who understand what I am going through. Not that I wish this anxiety crap upon anyone, because I don't. It's just really nice to be able to have people to talk to who can relate so well. All of my anxiety started pretty recently, and I am guessing that it's from moving so far away from home. It's just been a lot to handle in the past few months, but I do tend to look at the whole picture of things rather than taking things one day at a time. I think my new goal is to tackle one thing per day. Because doing everything at once in a day is clearly not working for me, lol.