Could this be GAD?

[Nimi]

Hi,

I am a 26 year old female who have felt something is 'up' with me for quite a number of years. It's only recently that I realized it might be GAD. I've gone to talk to a mental health worker and she agreed my issues sounded like anxiety. However she did not mention which disorder, nor was I diagnosed as such.

It all started when I was a young child. Maybe when I was 3-5 years old or thereabout. I had strong OCD symptoms. I had to do everything several of times always an equal number. I could spend hours getting out of bed to check my alarm, going back to bed, getting up again to check etc. I also had to step on stripes on the road several of times. These are just examples. Nothing was ever done about it. 

I managed to get these needs to do things several of times under control. However, a few years later (when I was 8 or 9) I developed trichotillomania which I am still fighting with.

I have been fighting with depression for as long as I can remember. I first though of 0119 aged 11 because of my tricho.
My 0119-thinking has gotten worse as the years have gone by - now the main reason for my 0119 thinking is depression - it is so severe that when I'm depressed I feel I cannot stand living anymore due to the constant pain inside. The hurt inside is too much for me to bear. The depression has gotten worse as I became and adult. My life is very much about fighting this depression which keeps showing is ugly face.

I've always had a strange feeling inside on and off and I've never had a clue what that feeling was. I tend to feel restless inside, at unease, feeling as if I'm gonna explode and feeling generally sick. When I have this feeling I find it hard to be around people and my best cure to calm down and feel better is going for a long walk with loud music in my ears and tons of cigarettes. Walking really fast while giving myself over to the fast beat of music helps me relieve these symptoms. Often when I'm driving in a car with friends I get the same need to hear music - the fast driving gives me the same relief as walking fast. My friends always complain saying I'm not being social enough when we are driving somewhere or even walking somewhere (I tend to get the need to hear music to fall down in those situations too). But fact is I cannot talk to them. I feel so sick and unwell inside that I have to hear loud music. This feeling comes up in all sorts of situations and very often. And I have no clue why and what triggers it- if anything at all. It's never resulted in my not being able to work though. Usually I can put myself aside in a busy job. If not, I use my earphones! I think I used reading novels to relief these symptoms when I was a child. I would lock myself in my room reading for ages needing to be alone.

As noted, I've never related 'that feeling' to anxiety. It was only when I started trying to figure out what that feeling is that I realized that the feeling is similar to the feeling I get when I have to pull hair out (I'm saying have to because that's how it feels). This other feeling is just much much stronger and worse! I never thought of my need to pull hair out as anxiety before - only when I read about it as a teenager did I realize it's about anxiety. This is why I'm thinking that even though I don't necessarily feel anxious as such when I get this other feeling, it might still be anxiety.

Some times this feeling turns into something worse. It turns into outright anxiety where I am fully aware that I'm anxious. I would even say I panic. This for instance happens if I cannot find relief for the first mentioned symptoms or if I get too worried about something - fx if I cannot reach a family member or friend, if I've had a fight with my husband etc. Sometimes I'm not completely sure what triggers it - all I know is that it never comes out of the blue. There is always a reason for it, however it might be quite small and silly. I feel utter fear and panic inside and can become desperate to solve the problem, reach the person I cannot reach and so forth. Sometimes when I have this bad feeling I try to call my husband to make him help calming me down. But if he does not pick up the phone that feeling gets worse and I find myself calling every 30 seconds. Usually when I get to do what I needed to do/find a way of getting relief I fall down.

In other rare cases I get an outright panic attack. This never happens in public. And it always happens if something is provoking it. I just sometimes react harder than other people. Only my parents, some of my ex boyfriends and my husband has ever seen it. It can happen after a big argument, if I'm scared a partner will leave me or is cheating and so forth. When I get this panic, I hyperventilate, shake, cry, feel I cannot stay in my own body and want to jump out of the window or cut myself to make that awful feeling inside go away - I've never done it though. This panic comes very rarely. But there are certain situations where I know it will come and that's usually got to do with my husband and I having a fight.

I've noticed that these feeling of restlessness, exploding, unease, anxiety etc can end up in depression. All three varieties I've just explained can end up in depression. Sometimes when I've felt sick inside I plunge into a deep depression afterwards which it's so difficult to pull out off.

I've always been a big worrier and think a lot. Whether it's too much or abnormal is hard for me to tell. Because it's always been like that! However from time to time I'm aware my worrying is going crazy and that I need to stop myself from worrying. I can worry about all sorts of things. But my worrying isn't always so bad that it is a problem for me. I've become better at pushing things aside - some things!

I've always become stressed out quite easily. If I have too much on my calender I break down. For instance the workload at uni has often been too much for me - I would get stressed out after 3 weeks of hard work and then need to take 1 month off at least because I simply had to get a vacation - I couldn't continue working with my school work no longer. My stress levels were too high!
Generally having to do things can make me feel overwhelmed to an extent where I put it off. Things like opening my letters or checking my bank account etc - I can put if off for ages so that I end up having extra bills and angry letters from people. I can't really explain why. But  doing these things somehow makes me feel sick - the fact I have to do it. I am also always scared of what I will find in my letters. I'm trying to avoid letters from my bank and such. I sometimes have to have people help me opening it because I'm too scared of doing so/feel sick about it. So it's both about a strange compulsion of having to open letters, put things in folders, cleaning up my room etc (I think it's because these things feel too overwhelming) and also a straight out fear of opening letters and checking my bank account. When my husband opens his online banking I always run away because looking at the money we've spent makes me feel sick and fearful. I worry we won't have enough money for things we have planned. Strangely enough I'm not very responsible with money!

I've also always had problems concentrating when I'm reading academic articles and when having a lecture.

If my husband talks to fast I start getting that feeling of unease, restlessness and discomfort. My heart starts beating fast and I think I get quite anxious. I definitely feel unwell and I have to ask him to speak more slowly or stop talking entirely!

I always had a great need of sleeping. I need about 11-12 hours every night - crazy yes! It's not something I've been able to stop myself from by getting used to sleeping less. If I sleep less for a longer period of time I become like a walking zombie. However, this past 4 months I've managed sleeping 9-10 hours and feel okay! I'm surprised and happy.

Most of the time I sleep well and fall asleep easily. However the last year I've had big problems falling asleep. I also had problems falling asleep from time to time when I was a child/teenager as well - but I don't know if it was more than anybody else! It's never been a constant problem - and I assume everybody has those issues sometimes. When I can't fall asleep it's because I'm thinking and worrying about  something.

I generally get worried if I call someone and he or she doesn't pick up the phone or if I'm meeting someone and the person is late. I fear the person is hurt - hit by a car, attacked and such. I don't know why, but this fear always pops of even though I know it's irrational.

I can also get worried about certain situations - worry about them too much way too long in advance.

My own thinking is that I have a deeper underlying anxiety disorder that has made be more prone to adopt other anxiety disorders to try and relief the underlying disorder's symptoms. And that this underlying disorder might be GAD. But honestly I have no clue as I've only just heard of this disorder recently. What do you think? Could it be GAD?

[mojo2339]

Well, it could definitely be GAD or it could be a multitude of things. Anxiety disorder is broken down into chunks, and people are usually diagnosed with a few parts (i.e. panic with agoraphobia, panic disorder, hypochondria, etc.  Many mental conditions are very closely related & its virtually impossible to figure out without a degree (& sometimes with a degree). It sounds like you've got a pretty bad case of depression (me too) which in itself at least should be evaluated. Any GP should be able to point you in the right direction.... Good luck!