how can i let go when i ruined the relationship

[george09]

hey everyone i was diagnozed with gad a 6 years ago and since then my life has just been stuck in a rut.. i met a girl i though was perfect for me we went out for a year and 3 months in dat time my anxiety and depression was constantly making me be a terrible boyfriend thinking im not good enough for her im a loser i have done nothing in my life , and i was constantly thinking what would others think of my girlfriend if she was pretty enough and if i was really in love with her and is she really the one. i told her i suffer from gad and depression and she constantly told me to make some changes just a first step but my brain just wouldnt let me, we constantly argued and i broke up with her because in my head i though she was the problem.. she chased me for 2 months and in dat time i was constantly saying were friends go find someone else and eventually she did and even though i knew it would happen it hit me very hard.. now looking back i came to realize it was me that was the problem having so much low self esteem and low self worth i did and said alot of things that were making her be so angry and bitter towards me all the time , and now i feel absolutley terrible about it , and just wish if i wasnt the way i was maybe she was the one for me and im regretting it alot!!!!! i tried to ask for another chance but she tells me shes lost her love for me and that i never ever loved her and just used her... ive learnt alot from this realtionship and i dont think il be ready for another relationship until i can somehow sort myself out... she seems happy with her new boyfriend and i respect that but now how can i let go and move on knowing i ruined this relationship!! it seems like i self destruct and sabotage everything good in my life due to my constant negativity of myself and my indecisions to make some progress....thanks

[suchalongtime]

George,

You are being way to hard on yourself.  Stop.  You hurt.  You hurt deeply.  It is no one's "fault."  You have identified that you have a challenge.  It is a real challenge.  I'm sorry.  You are being honest, though it is incredibly difficult.  Being dishonest and covering things up will be worse, though.  You are going to have to look for help, in all its various forms, ie therapists, groups, books, exercises, meditation.  It is not about right and wrong, good and bad.  Judgement.  I've been working for years to help myself, only I covered it up with an addiction that I am just working through.  Better to look yourself in the face and find compassion and hard work.  Just like others have compassion for you, you need to have compassion for them and yourself.  Good luck.

[george09]

hey thanks for the reply , yeah i guess we are our own worst critics , i actually just started getting help , i guess the biggest step is admitting and accepting that i have issues i need to sort them out , i was running from my problems for years i guess that was my biggest problem , it just kills you knowing you dont want to be like that and act that way but its something i can change with time, therapy has opened up my eyes a bit but at the end of the day all i know its entirely up to me to change... thanks again for the reply i wish you all the best aswell.