My life with panic disorder/depression/social phobia

[wish-i-could-fly-away]

Hi =) I'm 22 and from Sweden, so sorry in advance for the quality of my english skills =p

My anxiety started out slow, probably around the time I was about 8 or 9 years old. I had no idea at the time, it's something I can see now, looking back. When I was a child I was very social, I don't know if it was that we moved and I changed schools, or if it just broke out then, but I started to draw back from people, for some reason I felt like I didn't fit in.

 When I was eleven a doctor diagnosed me with gluten, by then my weight was 22 kg and  I stopped growing when I reached 4'2. I suddenly needed glasses because I was losing my eye-sight due to being so under-weight, I wasn't alowed to take PE and I because I had no energy, I was really moody. This set me apart from my classmates, once my family and I knew what it was I started eating right, I started growing about 2 cm a month and I slowly put on weight. I went through puberty a bit later than everyone else, since I hadn't been able to before, wich made the distance between me and my peers grow even more.

I first knew something was wrong when i was 13/14, by then I had a full blown social phobia. I had suffered from panic attacks for a couple of years, I'm not sure when I had my first one. I remember having one (though I didn't know it at the time) when I was watching the first lord of the rings movie, I haven't gone to see a movie since. My social phobia escalated, I had three friends, and they we weren't close by any means. In the three years I went to thatschool, I hardly ever spoke to anyone outside those three.

When I was fourteen I started having problems with my stomach when I felt anxious (which by then was everytime I was around people outside my closest family). At first it wasn't so bad, I didn't even conect the two things. But then my anxiety grew, and so did my stomach problems. My classmates started bullying me, I was already on the outside, since I wasn't interested in talking with anyone. The thing was, since the reason for the bullying was my stomach problems, I thought they had the right to. I chose to walk home instead of taking the school bus, I just couldn't handle sitting on it. Almost everyday on the way home, I was crying and thinking of 0119. My parents didn't notice anything, and I didn't tell them, since I thought it was my fault I felt ashamed. By thenI hardly ever saw my friends outside school, I viewed that time as too precious, that was the only time I felt safe. I spent hours just looking out my window, thinking. Or reading, book after book.

My breaking point came after an overnight school trip when I was 15, it was pure hell. When the bus let us off I totally broke down, sobbing. I told my parents everything and got to see a shrink, she diagnosed me with social phobia, depression and panic attacks. That was the first time I heard about it, and I felt so relieved knowing what it was. I refused to go back to school, and my teachers sent me assignments to do at home, and I only went for the tests.

I took a year off before I started high school (it works a bit different here in Sweden, junior high and senior high is two different schools and you choose a program you're interested in. It takes you a bit closer to what you want to study in college). My grades from then isn't very good, I was not there very much, I had panic attacks  almost every day. The only reason I managed was bcause I had chosen the art program. I could relax when having that class. A few weeks in I told my classmates about having a panic disorder, just to get it out in the open, after that there was no misunderstandings why I skipped so much. It was a great class (almost all the same classes with my classmates from the art program) we had each others backs. I didn't let anyone too close though.

It's almost three years since I graduated and I've come to understand that life with social phobia/depression/panic disorder is so much harder when you're an adult. You're not supposed to fail at being an adult. You're supposed to get an education, a job and a family. I don't know if I ever will be able to acomplish either of those things. Right now I'm staying with my parents, working hours at a nursery, they call me when someone is sick or off for a day. It's about four days a month. When I'm depressed I sometimes say no, cause I just can't handle it. In the fall I'm going to start distant studying, and when I'm done with that I hope I've figured out the next step. 

After a talk with my dad, I've decided to start challenge myself to be able to have a life. Right now I'm feeling a little hopeful, usually I stuff my problems under a rug until I can no longer avoid them. Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to get it off my chest =p

[camel]

Hi, welcome to the site

Glad you found us. I am sorry you have had to go through so much in life, especially as a child. Life can be so unfair.
I know you will find plenty of info and support here.

There is a great chat room if you would like to come and meet some of us.
I look forward to seeing you around the site :-)

[mantooth]

Welcome, your English is very good for a non native speaker. Always wanted to visit Sweden myself. I'm sure you've heard this many times, but good things will happen, you just have to work for it.