Making friends

[sanderella]

I just feel sad at the moment that I so rarely meet anyone I can really open up to. I went for a drink with some of my new PhD colleages and just sat there not talking, not even really liking the conversation. I feel like people must be thinking, what a mysterious, awkward, strange person. I keep worrying that my loner tendencies will make people think I am a psychopath. Or even that I might somehow go insane through loneliness. Why, when I meet someone I can connect with, do they have to be (1) male (2) quite abnormal, incapable of an appropriately bounded friendship (3) not even living in this country? (This happened recently - posted under general discussion) I am different, as he said, deep and sensitive. I am not incapable of friendship when the right person comes along. But even my closest friend in the city, I barely scratch the surface with.

I often do not want company as I am quite introverted by nature, socialising makes me tired. But I think it's only tiring because I am having to maintain a sort of public image rather than be real. I can't let people know all my thoughts and issues and struggles until I know they will understand and I can trust them. Posting on here is different because I don't have to see people's reactions, it is a blessing.

The more I meet people and fail to hit it off with anyone, the worse I feel about myself. It was so nice to have someone like me and think that I'm special. I would give anything to have a healthy friendship with someone that sees me that way. No-one seems to, not even my family, I am not humorous enough, not chipper enough. I have got to do something about this. Should I just spend more of my dwindling energy on meeting more people to maximise the chances of clicking with someone? Or do I need to adopt a different strategy when interacting with people? It seems like I've been wondering this my whole life and still don't know the answer.

I am shy, and inclined to be passive, and often absorbed in my own negativities, and just don't feel like making the effort when it always seems to not be worth bothering in the end. I have got so used to my own company that even a bit of interacting with new people really overwhelms me. So I probably do need to put myself out there a bit more but my social skills are so awkward, so not at-ease, it's no wonder the only people I end up with around me are quite domineering. If I met someone like myself maybe we would never get to talking. Perhaps I am actually surrounded by deep, sensitive, artistic, like-minded people that I just cannot break the ice with. But I only see loud and superficial people everywhere, so fearful of awkwardness and silence that they avoid me like the plague.

I think I need to find a way of being publicly me, without letting it affect me badly when the majority do not understand. But I cannot open my heart to strangers, and yet I cannot pull off superficial either. So what do I do........ Anyone been in this position?

[lamy12]

Wow....most of what you described is exactly how I am.  I have become less this way as I have gotten older....but alot of it still applys.  I have come to accept the fact that I am not extroverted and it is okay if I do not want to socialize as much as others.  Even though at times it does make me feel wierd when I don't engage in a conversation when many people are sitting around talking.  I do struggle with being my true self to others....it's like I have this whole internal self that I rarely display to others.  I think the key is to do things that you enjoy and connect with people that have the same interests.  When I do that....I am most comfortable and not all that introverted.  It is when I am around those loud extrverted types...in situations that I really do not want to be in in the first place...that I feel misplaced!!!

You are not alone!!! lamy

[Jon_CM]

Sanderella...I know just how you feel. It's really difficult being a quiet person, not being real outgoing, to make close friendships...add to that the anxiety issues and it's even worse. I have always struggled with the fact that nobody understands all the quirks and general weirdness that comes with my disorder. I recently met someone who also has anxiety issues and has struggled with not being understood. We really seemed to understand each other and as a result (I thought) we developed a really close friendship. I discovered, however, that rather than thinking of me as a best buddy and confidante (as I thought of her), she saw me as just another friend, no big deal. So, it seems close friendships are even difficult with others who really do understand. I guess I haven't given you any suggestions, but hopefully you can take some comfort knowing that you are not the only one who has experienced these things.

[sanderella]

Thanks for your replies, it is nice to know that others understand and share these experiences.

Jon_CM, it's a shame you felt less valued by your friend than you valued her... but if you are a guy and she is a female, maybe she was just worried about getting too close to you. Friendships with the opposite sex are not always straightforward! Just a thought.