Setback or Part of Recovery

[mprinceton]

Hi everybody,

For a long time now I've been doing ok reading a lot of the posts on here and going about my day feeling pretty comfortable. with controlled symptoms. I've been unmedicated now for about 10 months and have been loving the life without side effects.

With that said though since March I've been doing avoidance behaviors, have been actively agoraphobic and haven't really been leaving the house. In fact back in March I quit my job because of panic attacks in the board room I just couldn't stand it any longer. So I finally enter the work force today with a new job. A job that I've done before, am very qualified to do and it just starts happening again. It was almost immediate like the minute I got in there and going with my routine. Its like this horrible plague/monster of the mind that rushes the dooming thoughts and just starts paralyzing you with fear and uncontrollable anxiety. And each and everytime it chooses the worst possible scenario like the beginning of your day after you finally make it to work again.

I had a choice I could chewed a klonopin tab. I could have also used my usual preprogrammed excuse and say my blood sugar was low or that I had real bad nausea and needed to go home right away. Both of these opinions during a good 3-5 minutes of terror I strongly considered. I made it through the day and finished it out. I of course have to go in tommorrow. I don't want to run anymore because being scared has cost me all of my savings and this is no way to live a life. I graduated College with a respectable degree and have been stuck in tease entry level jobs because I get scared, lose focus. The thought of running from this new job and whole situation is of course appealing. But I know its not the right thing. Of course I know I could be controlled on medication. However I am one of those patients where you give them just a little bit of an SSRI I'm completely zonked & comfortably numb. It worked for me for many years cause I was able to simply punch a clock and be emotionally numb to everything. And I just don't want to go there again. Since being off SSRI's I'm swimming over a mile again, shed 20 lbs of fat and gained 10 lbs of lean muscle and feel alive again. But I'm thinking I really will have no choice because I cannot continue at my age to hide in the house of my parents and avoid life.

This disorder is incredibly lonely. There is absolutely nobody to talk to about it except this board. In fact many times on here we talked about what its like to share it with others because you really want to confide in someone. I would never do that again though because everyone I've ever done that with has indirectly used it against me in some form. I just wish we had some sort of local circle where we could meet like once a week. Like Alcoholics anonymous has or something. I know you're all spread out over the world.

I don't know how to sum up what happened today. I'll be honest finally though I'm in a lot of pain, lonely, and full of dread.

[itsmeesindee]

I don't think that you need to worry if it is a setback or part of recovery, just push throught it.  As you know the feelings that come from the anxiety cant harm you.  Try not to be scared of them and just feel the sensations know that they will go away in a few minutes.  When you are no  longer afraid of these sensations they will become less and less.  Do some relaxation breathing until they pass.

Hang in there each day it will get a little easier. 

Cin

[ocdengineer]

Have you considered just taking the klonopin long term?  I take Xanax which is shorter life benzodiazepene which does essentially the same thing and I also have gotten in shape.  I work full-time as a professional engineer, I have two children under the age of two, and am working on my Masters degree.  I am stressed and still have anxiety at times, but the benzo takes the edge off so I can function without the side effects of the other drugs.  They can cause dependency, but I know I will always need medication and most of us do or we can't function in western society.  I am not a doctor, but I have been taking Xanax long term for a year now and have not had to raise the doseage at all in over 9 months.  It is NOT addictive, but will cause withdrawl that can be more severe than antidepressants, but some people have no trouble at all weaning off of them if they take their time doing it.  The only side effect is drowsiness for the first few days to a week and then you won't even notice that it is working, but the anxiety will be dramatically reduced.  Talk with your doctor.  I decided I couldn't deal with the side effects of the antidepressants either, so here I am.  I also eat well, exercise, and meditate and all of that helps as well, but without the Xanax, I would not have the ability to do all those things.

I feel for you, but even if you avoid meds, definitely force yourself to face your fear again tomorrow and again and again whenever you have the opportunity.  Turn it into a game or a dare session and force yourself to do what your anxiety keeps you from doing!  It will eventually become habitual and the anxiety will release you. 

Good luck,
OE

[TheFishman]

Anxiety zone has been a big help to me.

[spoiledchild69]

I am totally, completely in your situation right now!!!

New job, just like you. Have quit jobs before because of anxiety or just not being able to deal with the BS or pressure that came with them. For years I took the easy, crappy $10/hr jobs even though I have a Master's degree because I just couldn't deal. In this society it's almost like you have to be on meds to deal with any kind of "real job" beacuse they are all high-stress, performance based things and that is poison to us. Right now my probation period is about to end at my job of marketing coordinator, and I am about to get a pay raise and all the bennies. I answer directly to the owner of the company and there is a lot of responsibility with this position. So it's like my whole FUTURE is riding on this one job right now. It will be the most money I've ever made and I am scared to death of screwing it up. I too was doing OK with my anxiety until this job came along. My symptoms started going through the roof about a week into the job, and I almost quit. But I've been pushing through it one day at a time and I am determined not to let this beast get the best of me.

IMO, anxiety has a lot to do with repressing your true feelings, many of which relate to anger and frustration. But when one is in a brand new job one cannot just let it all hang out, one has to be on one's best behavior 24/7. Well that never sat right with me and I relized lately that it's causing a lot of my current problems. So I just decided yesterday to let myself get good and ticked off, let fly with opinions about things that were frustrating me, and I felt a whole lot better. I also let myself get mad at the anxiety, I went into fighting mode and I'm like "you're not gonna get me, I am the one in control here, I need this job and I 'm gonna keep it in spite of you!" So I stomped around all day yesterday taking deep breaths and voicing my opinions. And I had a MUCH better day than I've had all week. It's amazing what happens when you simply assert yourself and remember to breathe deeply.

I'm not suggesting you tell your boss to go f- himself or anything, but do express your needs and what you're feeling while you're at work. You can do so in a productive way. It's called assertive behavior, and it feels good once you get the hang of it and realize that you're not going to be punished for having an opinion. And meantime if you need meds to get you over the "hump" well then do what you have to. I take a little extra Propranolol when I know there's going to be a freaky day coming up. No shame in that. You can always go off it later. Would you NOT take aspirin when you have a fever because you're ashamed to take medicine? Of course not. You take the meds to treat the symptoms as they come along.

You're right in that you can't hide in the house for the rest of your life. That is a bad feeling and crushes your self-esteem. Look at this as a challenge and a growth opportunity. IMO things happen for a reason, so maybe this situation was meant to teach you something. Just think, if you can get past this rough patch, what kind of successes will be next in your life? Maybe in 5 years you will own your own business and not have to deal with jobs anymore at all. That's what I'm trying to think of for myself, anyway. It's a pipe dream but it helps to have something to look forward to.

Man I love this board, I'm psyching myself up right now with all this good advice LOL! It's like having an anxiety journal that talks back to you. Anyway, you are NOT alone in this one, and I am so glad you wrote because now I feel that I'm not alone in my situation either!

[mprinceton]

hi everybody,

Thanks very much for your thoughtful responses that day. I was completely just on the edge and at the end of my room. Its amazing when you get so scared that you can't think clearly and catastrophic thinking about everything. Thank you ocd and spoiled too for sharing your stories. Itsemee you're right it did get easier. I was so scared that night I didn't want to go back. I cut my old SSRI in half and it numbed me out (as it always did) the entire next day. In reality I don't think I even needed it. I"m definitely going to keep klonopin on hand and use that instead as ocd I do like the idea of just having the benzo.

I have become so accustomed to the agoraphobia that I honestly just wanted to quit and run away that day and not deal with the painful symptoms. I haven't really thought much about this but Agoraphobia is a REAL BAD thing. It's comfortable because you avoid panic but it really ruins your life.

It's an inspiration hearing from you ocd & spoiled as I too want to start a Masters degree at some point too. I'm just very frustrated with where I'm at career wise. I really want to hit the ball career wise like you both. I know I can do better and the only thing stopping me has been the debilitating effects of the damn disorder.

Thanks again everyone