Fear of Losing Parents (Mom Specifically)

[doubleyousee]

So these have been a crazy few months for me. I'm a 21 year old college senior. For some reason in September I started having erection problems, followed by an onset of a constant feeling of anxiety accompanied by a couple nasty anxiety attacks a week. This went on for a few months, before turning into 2 weeks of depression, followed by a couple weeks of being a hypochondriac.

But now, the emotionally worst one for me has reared it's ugly head. When I was younger, I used to be terribly afraid of losing my mother. I'd stand by the window when she'd go out to get groceries waiting for her to come back, I'd have an anxiety attack if she was late or didn't answer her cell phone, I'd be worried all day at school thinking she wouldn't be there to pick me up at the end of the day.

Although the fear has always been with me, it gradually subsided into my teen years and I was able to operate without worry 90% of the time unless she went away on longer (couple day long) trips with my Dad or just didn't answer her cell phone while out.

But now, after the anxiety/depression/hypochondria of the last few months, I find myself fearing it all the time. It's not even that I just fear something happening to her, it's that I fear my life without her whenever that time comes, whether it's 20 or 30 or 40 years from now. I feel like I'll have a mental breakdown and just not want to go on anymore.

My parents are both in their mid-50's and have no bad medical problems, so there's nothing specific I'm worried about. But my Dad just retired a few weeks ago, and I guess that isn't helping since I know they're going to be out together a lot and potentially going on trips more often.

The thought of losing either one of them, although specifically my mom, just scares me beyond measure. I'd rather die than lose her. I'd do anything to make it so that she's always with me. When I get these bad attacks I try to tell myself that even if the worst possible scenario did happen, she would want me to be happy and to have a good life without her. But I can't even fathom it.

I have a great girlfriend of 2 years and an older sister, but nobody can seem to bring me any comfort from this feeling. Sometimes I imagine myself in the future at her funeral and just burst into tears.

[blindedbyrainbows]

doubleyousee,

I'm sending out a lot of good thoughts and energy to you.  I've had this similar problem since I was probably four or five years old and I know how terrible it is .  There is something so bittersweet about caring so much for the person who raised you, loving that person so much that you just can't imagine your life without them.  I often feel the same as you regarding the fact you'd rather be dead than for your mother to be the one to leave.  I've thought this for so many years.  I just can't imagine a life without her.

My mother and I talk about this.  She explains what she believes life to be about, her religious beliefs and her belief as a human being.  Knowing what she thinks, how she feels does help me.  She explains that the grief we feel does get easier, as she has lost a lot of people in her life who she loved dearly.  She tells me that the pain isn't as strong as it once was, but we also say of course we miss our loved ones who have gone on.  I know that it's sometimes worse for her than at other times.  I can't imagine and it breaks my heart to think about it.  Yet, I think you hit on a very important point when you say that your mom would want you to be happy and have a good life.  My mom wants the same for me.  Trying to remember that and also trying to forget this topic when it begins inside of my mind truly helps me.  Our parents have brought us here into this world and no matter how difficult it is at times, it is a beautiful place with so many opportunities and so much promise.  There are so many opportunities to help people who would otherwise not know help, a kind word.  I know that my mother would be heartbroken if I were to skip out early and so I know that I'll try to continue for that reason alone.

I also realize that someday I will have children (hopefully) and I hope that I will love them enough that I want to stay in this world for THEM.  It sounds silly and I'd never have children for that reason specifically, but knowing how much I love my mother and how much she loves me, I know that I couldn't just leave a little baby who I loved and counted on... someone who loved me.  I think that would be one thing that would help me hang on in terrible times.  Having my pets is a smaller scale of this.  Finding someone I cared about would also help.

I suggest maybe talking with your mother about this.  Does she know how you feel?  I know that when I talk to my mother and sometimes cry about it, I end up feeling somewhat better when she explains how she feels about life.  I've talked to my therapist about it and I hope to work through those issues, though I honestly doubt that I'll ever be able to think of the idea of it without feeling completely devastated.  I suggest trying to keep a support system and infusing the love that she has shown you and that you feel for her into your relationships, friendships and whatever you do.

A lot of people mention religion when this comes up, but I don't know your stance on that.  I'll just say that I don't think those we love, their very essence is ever truly gone.

I hope that you feel better soon.

[doubleyousee]

blinded,

Thanks for taking the time to reply and share your story. I was hesitant to post about this because I wasn't sure what anyone could say, but your words did bring me some comfort. It truly is a terrible fear to have, because unlike others you can't brush it off and think it will probably never happen. Because one day it has to. And that's almost impossible to come to terms with.

It probably would be good to talk to my mom about this like you said, I want to in a lot of ways, but it's hard for me. I'm sure it's hard for anyone. I think she probably expects it a certain amount because of my actions (calling and texting her a lot). One day when I'm breaking down I will probably open up to her, I've come close a few times.

And I agree with what you said about your mother being heartbroken if you skipped out early. If anything, my mom would hate it if I were to end my life because of her. I could never do that to her. Even after she's gone I know she'd be so ashamed if I took my own life because I couldn't deal with the loss, she just wants me to be happy. But at the same time I'm afraid without her I'll spiral into insanity or constant depression. Which I don't want but I'm afraid I won't be able to control it.

Funny that you mentioned having kids of your own. I really want kids eventually, and I am also hoping having one will give me a bond like the one I feel towards my mom. Of course I'd never have a kid just for this either, I've wanted kids my entire life regardless, but I'm looking forward to hopefully feeling that bond with someone else. At the same time I'm afraid if I have kids and lose my mom I'll go out of my mind, and then my kids will have a crazy dad. Terrible, isn't it?

I am personally not religious at all, I truly wish I was because the idea of an afterlife would comfort me a lot, but I just don't believe it. Which makes it hard because for me when she's gone, she's gone. In my mind I'll never see her again. I hope I'm wrong and there is something. But I agree with you that in whatever way, the love that someone has for us never goes away even when death happens.

I find it interesting that you go to a therapist. I've considered it but haven't ever gone far, mostly due to the fact that my anxiety is mainly a secret and therapy is expensive. Can I ask what your therapist has said? Did he/she diagnose you with anything? I'm wondering if I have Separation Anxiety Disorder, which from what I've read is a lot like what i feel. Or possibly a mild form of OCD, due to the inability to get the thoughts out of my head.

Thanks again for your time. I wish you good luck as well in managing this.

[KAZ2Y5]

I have the same type of anxiety, doubleyousee. My mother has had cancer for four years now and every day I worry that I will wake up and she wont be there. It's the root of my OCD.

My mother and I had a talk about it. It was the only way to get what I was feeling on the inside, on the outside. As awkward and as "silly" as it sounded coming out of my mouth, she accepted what I had to say and tried to understand what I was feeling. If you talk with your mother, she may not understand you, but getting things out in the open can help a lot.

So far, I have found no real "cure" for thoughts like that. They're scary and can often invade when you least expect it. People will tell you that you have to "soldier on" and all of that, but I can relate to feeling like you wouldn't be able to go on without her. I often think the same way.

The only thing I have found that helps is to spend as much time with my mother as I can. I mean, I don't go crazy or anything, but I find time in my life to do quality, meaningful things with my mother and I enjoy those moments. I'll come back into town to take her to her chemotherapy, we go out for ice cream; we go to the movies or just walk around the mall. It's the little things that will always be most meaningful.

The sad fact is, everyone's parents die. It's the 'when' that is the itchy question at the back of your mind and it's the anxiety that keeps telling you 'today'.

I can totally relate and I am often in the same boat.