Nervous breakdown worry

[tterry]

   
        Hi All,
  Is anyone else scared of having a nervous breakdown? One of my biggest fears is being labeled crazy and incompentent of raising my kids.
 
   I've always had problems with stages of depression and anxiety, but never to this current level. I try to hide the fact that I'm taking an antidepressant, especially from my ex husband, because I know of the stigma it creates. I constantly worry that, eventually, someone is going to think that I'm too mentally unhealthy to be around my kids. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, especially the times when my heart starts pounding, and I have a hard time breathing, and the room starts getting smaller and I feel like I have to escape to breathe.

  Or the times when I'm  at the computer at work and I'm suppose to be working.But,  instead I'm looking up symptoms for this or that, and I am researching these statistics or those survival rates for this cancer or that cancer. Then before I know it, I'm in this full blown panic about dying over this or that.

   I've never really had problems with panic attacks or OCD, but now I'm starting  to wonder. I know when I was younger and when stressful situations would happen, I would panic and have to escape from it. But those were things that I could literally walk away from, and forget about. How can I escape my own mind. I think because I can't escape the thoughts in my head that-that alone causes me to panic even more.

   If I have an nervous breakdown, I will have so much to lose. My kids, being number one and my sanity. But how do you keep your sanity and  everything together when you feel like you are constantly falling apart??

[Cassandrascrazy]

I've been there..having kids and raising them as a single mom. Worried that I will "fall apart" and not be able to parent them (or fearing that some horrible disease will keep me from raising my kids). But here I am with my kids all grown. I made it day by day, taking antidepressants and doing what worked for relieving at least some of the anxiety. I always reminded myself that I could make it through "today".
Maybe I am not the best example because I am 53 and still an anxious crazy person, but I raised my kids (who turned out great) and I am still here. There are good days...there are bad days, but we make it through.
((((( Hugs ))))))

[Slangevar]

I'm not sure if this will help, but my mom has suffered from crippling depression and anxiety all of her life. I don't believe she ever went on drugs (or if she did, she hid it from us).  A year or two ago, we were helping her move house and I came across one of her diaries. I know it's terrible, but I read some of it and it was so sad... she had entries that read just like your post, and it broke my heart.

I actually talked to her about it and she said she hid the depression and anxiety from us because she was afraid of the same thing. And you know what?  She was (and continues to be) a wonderful mom. Sure some signs of her depression creeped in here and there, but overall she did an absolutely brilliant job of raising us, especially given what she was dealing with. We really didn't even suspect there was a problem until we were older...  nor did my dad.

There are three lessons in this:

1) You are suffering from something that's VERY normal.  Many of us on this board do the same thing - we look normal sitting at our desks, but inside, we're a mess. We're shaking and convinced that we're dying at that moment from some terrible disease. It's awful and we've all been there. (And I'll bet that more than a few of your coworkers do the same thing - you just don't notice.)

2) I'm sure you're doing an outstanding job as a parent because you're acutely aware of your issues - more so than most parents. (And ALL parents have issues, whether they recognize them or not.)  So give yourself a big pat on the back and a hug for doing such a great job.

3) You need and deserve as much support as you can get. If you're not in therapy, please go. And don't feel inferior because you're on antidepressants. Depression and anxiety are the result of PHYSICAL issues with brain chemistry. Would you apologist for taking medication for Type 1 diabetes?  Or high cholesterol?  No. But they're essentially the same thing as depression - they're conditions that need treatment. You are not crazy and you are not deficient.

Hang in there, and get some support!

[floridaguy65]

Hi TT:) I just wanted to say that you got 2 great replies aleady:)

We fear "loosing it". It just doesn't happen that way. We ARE stronger than we give ourselves credit and we can be (and are) wonderful parents to our children, overwhelmingly. Don't let anxiety rob from you your intrinsic believe that you are a good person, a good parent and that you can continue to do good despite struggling with anxiety issues, at times. It, simply, is not the truth. We can do tremendous things with our lives and we can be tremendous support to others. This goes to show just how "special" us anxiety peeps are....we do all this stuff, amost of the time, all while we are trying to find our way through our personal issues with anxiety. That IS special!!:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[tterry]

 

    You guys are the reason why I joined this forum. Your support is so precious and genuine. I thank you guys for your words of encouragement more than you would ever know.

   I am in tears right now because I wish I could talk to my family about how I feel. I wish I could express myself and show that broken side of me without being judged and feeling sooooo ashamed. I needed to read what you guys wrote because it makes me feel alot better knowing that I'm not alone.

  Thank you sooo much.

[Slangevar]

I'm glad you feel better! This is exactly why I hope you're able to get more support, whether through therapy or maybe a group of parents who deal with depression. Because you're not even close to alone.

I went into therapy when my dad got sick. After he passed away, my therapist practically rubbed her hands together like, "All right. Now it's time to focus on you."  It never occurred to me to seek help for MY problems, but it was so important.

I remember one lesson my therapist taught me that still helps me to this day. She said:

"Think of a time when you really fell apart or did something totally embarrassing. Something you hate thinking about because it makes you feel like a failure."

[I very easily conjured a memory of something totally humiliating.]

"Okay - now imagine that it wasn't you who did that, but someone you love. How do you feel about that person now?  Do you think they're a failure or an embarrassment?"

[Of course I didn't. I felt an immense surge of compassion for the person - I wanted to hug them and tell them they hadn't done anything wrong.]

And that's the lesson. We're really hard on ourselves, but it's important to remember that there is no broken side of you. Just a physical issue that you're trying to cope with.