OBSESSION

[tterry]

Hi All,

     Does anyone else obsess over the future? Whenever I start to think to myself that I feel ok, like maybe I am healthy, right afterwards I obsess about the things that can go wrong. I obsess over, of course, getting a disease that I will die from. I obsess that one of my family members will get a disease that they will die from, or that one day I will die suddenly. I am obsessed with death. I know it is inevitable, but everyone knows this, and yet I am the only one that obsesses over it.

     I'm tired of feeling this way. I started taking Lexapro 10 mg and have been on it for going on six weeks. I feel no different. I'm starting to think that maybe I am broken and just can't be put back together again. I have no idea how it feels to be normal. I always expect the worse, prepare for the worse, and think about the worst. Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.

    I don't want my kids to become embarrassed too and ashamed that I'm their mother. I try really hard not to overthink things. But, before I know it, I am. I check my pulse all the time, I feel my breast for lumps all the time. I obsess over every cancer known to man  and I know this is abnormal. I'm to the point now that I'm sooooo tired over obsessing about dying, that I'm like, JUST LET IT HAPPEN. But then I look at my kids and feel guilty about even thinking about that type of stuff. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   

[JER2911]

Hi,

You are not alone.  I could have written your post..every word of it.

It is such a difficult disorder to understand.  We know that the things we think, are not normal and illogical most of the time, yet we feel powerless to stop it.  It's like watching a train barreling down the tracks, with no breaks.

You are not broken. You are able to be helped.  It's not easy and it's not overnight.  It is a day by day, sometimes even minute by minute process, that takes some time.  It takes 21 days to change or break a current habit.  So, even when you decide to try to change your thought pattern, don't expect it to happen overnight and don't beat yourself up for falling down.

Are you in therapy?  A lot of people have major success with CBT (Cognitive Behavoriarl Therapy)..it basically helps you learn to think differently, and change they way you respond to negitive thoughts.  It's a big step, that could do a lot of good.

I know you said you are taking medication.  Have you had your dose evaluated, it may need to be adjusted, or maybe even a different kind, if you are not noticing a difference.   And being on medication now, doesn't mean you will have to be on it forever.  In time, with therapy and learning to accept that we do have anxiety, but anxiety doesn't have to dictate how we live, some people can wean off the medication all together.

  But, if you do need medication long term, don't let that make you feel like you are not doing your best.  Sometimes we need this medication to correct some imbalances that are going on, that we have absolutley nothing to do with, just like a person with heart disease has to take their medication daily.

You are going to make it..if you ever want to talk..feel free to message me. 
I have two girls myself, 5 and 2..I can relate totally to how you feel. 

[floridaguy65]

 I know it is inevitable, but everyone knows this, and yet I am the only one that obsesses over it.

 I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.

Hi T:) Well, you, certainly are not the ONLY one that obsesses over this wild stuff. Almost all the peeps here feel the same way, at times....some more than others....some are moving down their healing paths a little more:) Do not feel isolated...you are not crazy...you are not abnormal. You are struggling with anxiety / fear / panic / insecurity issues and this is OK. It is OK because you can work towards some relief, some lasting solace:) We can live quite well along with our anxiety problems...they do not have to define as us a person.

Lots of us have, seemingly, lost the meaning of "normal" with regards to ourselves in our daily interactions with our anxiety issues. What is "normal" anyway? We see another person laughing and enjoying life with, what looks like, not a care in the world - no anxiety. We see that and think "How I wish I could be that happy and carefree...how I wish I was that 'normal'....if only" We believe that it's just not "normal" to have some of our intrusive, racing thoughts of doom and gloom and impending death. We feel that it's not "normal" to have thoughts about leaving our loving families behind to flounder, hopelessly, without us around to provide comfort and guidance. Again, what is "normal"? To me, there are enough peeps in the world with the same type issues that we have (millions of folks) for us to not be "normal". Sure, there are more people in the world that do not struggle with anxiety issues, but there are, certainly, enough of us for us to not feel like we are not "normal". But, I do know how anxiety and insecurities can really skew our thought patterns to where we become very accepting of the negative outlooks on life. It's tough, I know. But, there is always help and hope:)

So we are "normal":) Perhaps, we might have to redefine "normal", to ourselves, a little bit. And, of course, we can always continue to work on ways that we can improve our interactions with anxiety. Never resign to feeling that we are helpless to help ourselves. Some of our intrusive thoughts might always be with us, to some extents, as we move through our lives. But, that can be OK, too. We can learn how to keep our fears and insecurities from becoming dominate and keep them from becoming serious influences in our lifeflow. Again, we can learn to live quite well along with our anxiety.

Don't assume those "non anxiety" peeps, of whom we can be envious sometimes, are always happy and carefree. Trust me, they have their own problems!:) I know a few of "those type" people...it's not all a bed of roses for them:) I'm married to one...and she sure has her issues, too:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[tterry]

Thank you both for those encouraging words. I tend to feel so alone because there is really no one around me that can relate to how I feel or think. So coming here takes alot off my shoulders and helps me get my feelings off my chest without be judged.

[Cooper11]

Oh Tterry, I know exactly how you feel.

I constantly worry about the future (even when I feel great) and it's a terrible way to live.  Like JER2911 said, I could have written your post word for word. 

I'm embarrassed and feel that I have very few people who I can talk to about this.  My hubby is the exact opposite of me (waits until his arm is practically falling off before he worries) so he does not "get it" at all.  My mother has chronic health issues so I feel bad all the time when I bring up my "usually make believe ailments".  All my doctors look at me like I'm crazy.

This board has helped me so much b/c I can relate to everyone here and they can relate to me.

I still fight the embarrassment but have realized that there is no shame in needing help or medication.  It's more than okay to take aspirin for a headache so why isn't okay to take medication to help balance out brain chemistry.  Society is very behind in its understanding of depression/anxiety and chemical imbalances. 

You are far from alone!

[floridaguy65]

 I know it is inevitable, but everyone knows this, and yet I am the only one that obsesses over it.

 I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.

Hi T:) Well, you, certainly are not the ONLY one that obsesses over this wild stuff. Almost all the peeps here feel the same way, at times....some more than others....some are moving down their healing paths a little more:) Do not feel isolated...you are not crazy...you are not abnormal. You are struggling with anxiety / fear / panic / insecurity issues and this is OK. It is OK because you can work towards some relief, some lasting solace:) We can live quite well along with our anxiety problems...they do not have to define as us a person.

Lots of us have, seemingly, lost the meaning of "normal" with regards to ourselves in our daily interactions with our anxiety issues. What is "normal" anyway? We see another person laughing and enjoying life with, what looks like, not a care in the world - no anxiety. We see that and think "How I wish I could be that happy and carefree...how I wish I was that 'normal'....if only" We believe that it's just not "normal" to have some of our intrusive, racing thoughts of doom and gloom and impending death. We feel that it's not "normal" to have thoughts about leaving our loving families behind to flounder, hopelessly, without us around to provide comfort and guidance. Again, what is "normal"? To me, there are enough peeps in the world with the same type issues that we have (millions of folks) for us to not be "normal". Sure, there are more people in the world that do not struggle with anxiety issues, but there are, certainly, enough of us for us to not feel like we are not "normal". But, I do know how anxiety and insecurities can really skew our thought patterns to where we become very accepting of the negative outlooks on life. It's tough, I know. But, there is always help and hope:)

So we are "normal":) Perhaps, we might have to redefine "normal", to ourselves, a little bit. And, of course, we can always continue to work on ways that we can improve our interactions with anxiety. Never resign to feeling that we are helpless to help ourselves. Some of our intrusive thoughts might always be with us, to some extents, as we move through our lives. But, that can be OK, too. We can learn how to keep our fears and insecurities from becoming dominate and keep them from becoming serious influences in our lifeflow. Again, we can learn to live quite well along with our anxiety.

Don't assume those "non anxiety" peeps, of whom we can be envious sometimes, are always happy and carefree. Trust me, they have their own problems!:) I know a few of "those type" people...it's not all a bed of roses for them:) I'm married to one...and she sure has her issues, too:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

Whooops:) Said, " To me, there are enough peeps in the world with the same type issues that we have (millions of folks) for us to not be "normal".

Meant to say, "enough peeps for......us TO BE NORMAL"

Peace:)

[Itzomi]

I do the same thing - I'll try to figure out what I'm gonna die from someday.  As if I'd really want to know!! 

[irishonyx33]

I ceertainly could have written your post! I have one son, 3yrs old, and I constantly worry about leaving him alone because I'm certain to die from some sort of cancer. I also worry about him getting ill.

I started taking Lexapro a couple of days ago and also am on 10mg. I will tell you my docor said that is a pretty light dose and if I don't feel a difference in 4 weeks he will adjust the dosage...so maybe that's something you could bring up with your doc. My doc. also said Lexapro is also one of the faster working meds...so definitely bring it up if you aren't feeling any relief after 6 weeks. Good luck!

[anxietyprisoner]

I truely understand how you feel. I, too, worry about my future and obsess over dying. It is inevitable but that thought alone causes more worry. I am starting Lexapro too so mayne it will help.

[Ravens Lady]

I'm going to go down a bit of a tangent here... 
 
I believe that anxiety issues can affect a variety of types of people.  However, that being said, people have different styles of thinking, and these styles of thinking often dictate how we approach situations.  Some of these styles of thinking are learned, while others may have been slightly attributed via genetics (in my opinion).

A large percentage of the population seems to think more in the "here and now" and true, concrete, tangible realities versus 'possibilities' in the future.   I sometimes wonder if the types that are more likely to focus on 'possible outcomes' and focus on what may happen in the future versus focusing on present realities are more likely to come up with negative scenarios for the future.  But this is a tentative theory of mine. 

The truth is, that for whatever reason, some of us focus too much of our energies towards the future in a negative manner.  We believe that our present realities are heading us towards a painful future.  Instead of focusing on today, we focus on tomorrow.  We think, "Today is bad, but tomorrow will be worse, how will I deal?  How will I survive?"  But we make a mistake and are quite presumptuous about what tomorrow will bring, without having enough data in the present day to project that with any sort of conclusive evidence. 

There are some types of people that do not allow their minds to go there.  They don't worry about what tomorrow brings.  They focus on today, and the here and now.  I think that some of us could benefit from doing so, and picking up on some of their habits.   

Instead of thinking, "what will tomorrow bring?" we should think, "how can I improve myself today?"

Instead of thinking, "this physical issue that is worrying will probably be worse next month or next year"  we should think, "hmmm.. at the moment this issue is bothering me, but I don't know for sure it will get worse.  It may go away.  I'm not going to concern myself with it and obsess over it, I'm going to focus my attention on something here and now that I want to do." 

Just some food for thoughts and a few ideas I've been thinking over. 

[fullofself]

you got a lot of great responses here so i'm not going to write anything lengthy.
just wanted to say you're not alone. i feel like this all the time. please, chin up!

[diana66]

Ditto to the last post and many others - I could have written your post.  Word for word.  And my husband is the same way - NEVER worries, even when it seems like he should!

So far, my teenagers seem to be following in his footsteps, but I do worry that my neurotic-ness may rub off on them.  My son is 18 and wants to be pre-med, and he has been shadowing docs.  He comes home and tells me stories, and they make me cringe (no names, just general cases). 

I told him it bothers me, and explained just a bit about my anxiety.  Then I found he had done research on me (saw it in his history on computer).  He asked me if I considered CBT!  And then I felt really bad - that my son is trying to fix me, when I should be taking care of him.  IT was not a good day!

[tterry]

@diana66---I can imagine how that made you feel. It's like you already know, inside yourself that something is not right about how you think and obsess, but when it's confirmed by the outside lookers in your life, it hurts more. I see the expressions on my mama's face or my sister rolling her eyes, and I immediately become embarrassed or ashamed. Most of the time, while everyone is having conversations about this or that, my mind is preoccupied with whatever worry or possible disease I'm thinking of at that moment. I never can enjoy anything wholeheartedly.
 
   It's like I can winner an Oscar or Academy award for my acting skills. On the inside I'm a mess, but I'm too afraid to show that side of me because I kdon't want anyone to think I'm crazy. Sometimes I honestly think I'm having a nervous breakdown. One of my fears is that I will have a breakdown and will lose my kids. It's a vicious cycle.