feeling unsettled

[itsjustme]

Sometimes,  I have this weird feeling...kinda half anxiety, half depression. The best I can explain it is to say that I feel very unsettled, that my life is unsettled. Maybe it's because this is my last semester of grad school & everyone around me is getting married & blah blah blah. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life, really. I mean, I know I'm going to get a job, but that's about all I know. I feel confused about everything else. And I'm really worried that I'm never going to be happy in my life. I have nothing in my life to be upset about, so why can't I feel as happy as I should, as happy as other people seem?

It's very odd. I used to freak out because I felt like I was almost done with school, so that meant my life would be settled..and I didn't want it to be settled because that made me feel anxious that I wouldn't have anymore goals to work towards. Now, I'm freaking out because I want it to be settled.

I should also add that within the past two years, I've put myself out there more than ever...which you would think would be a good thing. At first, my anxiety skyrocketed, but then it settled down. But I still always go through periods where I just feel weird mentally. Before, all I ever did was go to school & hang out with my long-time boyfriend. That's it. Then, I decided I wanted more out of life. Broke up with the boyfriend in an effort to be more independent & "find myself." So, now I hang out with friends, go on a date from time to time, moved hours away on my own to attend grad school, working super hard in grad school...so why don't I feel better about myself? Why do I feel so weird mentally/emotionally? Why do I feel like I'm not good enough? Why do I feel like I'm being judged negatively? Why do I feel like I'm going to fail? Why do I feel like no one likes me? Why do I feel like I'm never going to find anyone to be in a serious relationship with again? Why do I feel like I have no identity? Why do I feel like I'm playing a role? I feel like I might as well go back to my old life where I sat at home & depended on my boyfriend....I thought I was doing a good thing by trying to get more out of life. Yet, even though I was content back then, I feel like I couldn't go back to that same situation and be content again. That time is gone. So now I'm just stuck in between with no where to go to be truly happy.

I probably make no sense. 

Anyone kinda understand what I'm trying to say?

[Beth]

Hi,

I think I definitely understand what you're going through, because I went through something similar when I was about to graduate from college (this was about 12 years ago, by the way).

First, to be honest, I dreaded graduation, because I didn't want to have to get a real job, leave all my friends behind and most likely break up with my boyfriend (he was going to grad school, and my job was halfway across the country). I was really genuinely happy in college and didn't want my life to change so much so quickly.

But, then it did. I started working in a new town, where I really didn't know anyone. For a while, a couple years actually, I had that really unsettled feeling. My job was giving me experience, but I wasn't all that happy. I made a couple of friends, but they were nothing like my friends from college or even high school. To top it all off, I was terribly worried that I'd never meet someone that I wanted to marry. Some of my friends got married right after college graduation, and I felt like I was "falling behind" everyone in the big scheme of life. Nothing seemed to be clicking.

All I can tell you is that after a few years, all of this passed. I did meet someone really great (my husband), and I'm pretty happy with my life. My job isn't perfect, but career isn't first and foremost with me, anyway. I never wanted to be a career-first person, and I think that was part of my anxiety at graduation. I felt like all I had to look forward to was a job -- and that wasn't what I really wanted from my life.

You are definitely not alone in your feelings. I think they're pretty common. And, the thing is, sometimes we look at other people and assume they have it all together because they're getting married or having kids or getting a great job. But sometimes those people feel just as "unsettled" as we do -- we just don't know it.

I think you're very normal. It makes sense to have unsettled feelings anytime you're about to move to a new stage in life.

Hope this helps,

Beth

[itsjustme]

Thanks for sharing your story. It helped a lot. I feel better knowing that this is something normal that others go through at this stage in life. Thanks again.

[Beth]

You're welcome -- glad to help 

[anxious B]

Hi

Been lurking for a while but your post really hit me, since that how I've been feeling 'unsettled" and having the same questions about failing and people liking me and being independent and everything else you said, I get it.  I just finished grad school, but I've been dealing with it on my won for many years, however for the past six months I began teraphy and medication, which had helped, but I still struggle every day. It is comforting to know I am not the only one, I hope you too seek help if you haven't, because it took me a long long time to finally do it and it has been hard. Thank you for sharing.

[GG]

You make perfect sense.  I know because this is exactly how I feel.   

This feeling didn't really hit me after graduation though.  When I graduated, I didn't really feel unsettled.  I just felt some kind of a void.
I didn't know what to do with all the free time I had that used to be filled with going to class and studying.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  It had really been a huge part of my identity.  Plus I have a very hard time adjusting to any kind of change.  I knew that work would follow and I was having alot of anxiety about that.

I guess after a while though I started getting a feeling of being unsettled.  I'm not sure exactly why.  Maybe it has something to do with me taking a path that isn't exactly right for me, a path that is just ok.  But I often have a very hard time determining what exactly is a good fit for me.  I just pick something that seems to be right, and then once I'm on that particular path, it's hard to change.  Then it's like I'm just there, kind of going through the motions.  It feels as though you are constantly going "against the grain" in your life.  I feel like I don't really know where I belong, and what path I need to take in order to feel more at peace in my life.  Actually, none of the options that I can think of seem appealing.  I am just clueless about what is truly best for me.  Maybe I need to do some further exploration.  I've never really been on my own.  What you did when you went out on your own was a good move.  I'm surprised it didn't help you out more.  I often count on that move to help me out tremendously.  That is, once I actually have the courage to take that step.  I have alot of problems with anxiety and never think that I can actually make it on my own.

Anyway, going back to the feeling of being unsettled.  It's not a good feeling at all.  In my opinion, it comes from not being in tune with who you really are.  You kind of feel estranged from yourself.  Do you tend to be a people pleaser?   That is one of my biggest problems.  I am very easily swayed by other's opinions and many times give up what I truly want in order to please others.  Doing this for so long has caused me to completely lose touch with who I am.  I don't know what I really want. I just know what others want for me.  I am having a very hard time reconnecting with myself.  Maybe this is why I am getting that unsettled feeling:  I am not on a path that is a good fit for me and I am not in tune with my true self.  I feel very disconnected from who I really am. 

For me, what has been working is, first of all, going to therapy, and secondly, changing my negative inner dialogue.  If you really tune in to things you tell yourself, you'll find that often it's negative and very self-defeating.  It is not easy, but VERY possible to change that negative dialogue and start saying positive things to yourself.  For example, instead of, "there's no way I can do this", tell yourself, "I am just as capable of doing this as anyone else and will do a great job!"   Instead of, "oh they don't like me", say, "I didn't purposely do anything wrong to hurt these people, I am a great person, and if they don't like me, so be it. I can find plenty of people who do actually like me to be around".   Don't let others define who you are.  Only you can define who you are.  Don't give them permission to make you feel bad about yourself. 

 Changing your thinking will take work initially and will be very mentally draining, bc if you think about it, you are having to undo negative thought patterns that have been taking place for so long.  Realize that is is often easy to slip back into your old ways of thinking, which is why it's very important to persist and not get discouraged (and I am saying this bc I get discouraged very easily when things seem overwhelming and I don't get results quickly enough, haha!)  Believe me it is worth all the effort bc the results are great.  You will be surprised at how much control you can actually have over your thinking (which I didn't think was possible), and therefore your mood.  Don't let them control you, you take the control!


Anyway, this is what worked for me. I still struggle though.  But I've definitely improved. 

I think that whenever you are unhappy it is a sign to roll up your sleeves and do some hard work to turn things around.  From this point, things can only get better.  So be positive!


Oh and I just noticed how long it's been since someone has posted a reply, so maybe you're all better now and this is all irrelevant to your current situation.  I just happened to google, "why do I feel so unsettled?" and came across this post.  Well anyway, it sure did help me to write all this, haha.  But if you do happen to read this by some chance, plz lemme know how things are.