you would think that graduating from university, getting a great job, getting married to the most incredible person ever and getting a new home all in the past year would elate someone. And i do feel elated most of the time. I consider myself a very happy, energetic, active and outgoing person. I would dare say that I am at the happiest point in my life to date.
however, my body seems to think otherwise.
2 years ago I had my first panic attack. I was half asleep on a sunday night, i was watching law and order criminal intent. i remember it so well. i was jolted out of my half sleep and felt my heart racing. i had to gasp for air and my whole body went tingly. I thought i was dying. It lasted about a half an hour and i was too scared to sleep for the rest of the night. i did not go to class the next day, and i refused to sleep in my room that night. i tried to sleep in the couch, but then resorted to sleeping in my room only after i changed it around. that made me feel better.
naturally, i went to my doctor. he told me that i "just" had a panic attack". he was very non-chalant about this and it pissed me off. how can you just dismiss this?! i felt that i should be sent for tests or something. he told me to keep an eye on it. for the next few months i had a few more, but less sever than the 1st. and they were always when i was just about to fall asleep. i went for about a year and a half without any, until this past january.
that attack came out of the blue... we were partying for a friend's birthday and i was sitting on the couch and i had this sudden urge to keep checking my pulse.i kept thinking, "is this a normal heart rate?". i was really starting to freak myself out. i went into the bathroom and i started getting really dizzy. i yelled for my husband and told him to take me to the hospital, that i thought i was dying. he knew that i had had panic attacks before and he was certain that this was one. i was so glad to have him there. he sat with me for 4 hours while my heart POUNDED and he kept telling me when to breath. god love him!
the next day, i had one at work. they called an ambulance and the paramedics came. i told my co-workers that i was fine, i just felt very scared. the paramedic assured me that it was a panic attack (duh, like i didn't know that already!:P). i went to 3 doctors after that night and they all told me the same thing. i think hearing it from a few sources really helped my mind realize that i was healthy and i wasn't dying.
now, when these things happen i say to myself (just like my docotr had) "aymee, you are just having a panic attack chill the **** out!".
so, for the past 2 months i have had symptoms about 3-4 times a week. it sucks, but instead of getting scared it is more of an annoyance. it is like, yay here we go again and i wait patiently for the feelings to subside. with each attack the symptoms get less and less severe. i do not tremor so much, i mainly feel like i am breathing through a sponge and i get tingly. i don't feel as though i am dying, i just feel a sense of losing reality but then i remind myself that things will feel normal again in a few minutes. i have also starting changing my attitude about panic attacks from something bad to something that is reminding me how lucky i am to experience life and that i am capable of feeling, either good or bad. i am a firm believer that bad things, although bad, are necessary in order to fully appreciate the good. you need the contrast to appreciate the latter. i look at bad things as good in their one special way. hahaha. although, i wouldn't mind one week of normalicy, know what i mean? ;)
another thing i do is i try and make myself laugh. i make fun of myself during these episodes and i think this change of mind set, although difficult at first, is seriously helping. i refuse to take meds for this, so i am dealing with it the best way i know how. the biggest thing that gets me is that i REALLY feel very content and happy with my life. so these attacks remain a mystery!
i find researching the disorder very helpful, and i am sure this site with be a big help! i look forward to helping you all and getting to know you!
frantically yours,
aymee
ps- although i say now that i am a healthy girl, i did not always feel this way. every ache and pain made me think someting was terribly wrong. i was watching scrubs a few weeks ago, and this man came in with a cough and found out he had cancer and was going to day in a few days. just this suggestion along made me all of a sudden feel short of beath and chest pains..
in the past year alone i thought i had asthma, heart problems, collapsed lungs,brain tumours, diabetes, you name it. my doctor would always tell me i was fine, and i would get pissed off. i felt like my body was trying to tell me something and no one would listen. well, with my research of panic disorders i have concluded that i am also a hypochondriac (which, you have no idea how embarassing it is to admit). my doctor agrees. the power of suggestion is funny, with this new knowledge every pain i get i tell myself, "you are not dying because u have a headache" and it does help. i find knowing what is wrong is so helpful in making it right. i have started taking vitamins these past few weeks and now that the weather is warming i have been walking everyday and enjoying the outdoors. it really makes me appreicate life.
