I didn't have parents

[makingmymindover]

I am new to this site. I was diagnosed with PTSD (along with some other letters) about 5 years ago. I have had much help from therapists, groups and meds, but I am feeling stuck again. I don't trust others very easily and tend to hold a lot inside, so this feels like a step outside my comfort zone. (deep breaths)

I had parents growing up, but don't feel like I had a mother or father. I don't feel close to them and actually don't really like them. I try to remember a time when I did feel close to them and I can't recall it... and am not sure if it was ever there. My mother was abusive and my father was like mist in the air - not really there. I know they had their own issues but I feel like I was ripped off. Not only that, I feel like I lost normal opportunities to grow and mature with loving parents.

I think I have made some peace with many/some of the issues with my mother. She was the cruel one. My father is actually a very quiet, nice guy except he wasn't a dad to me. I'm 40 years old and my mind lately keeps coming back to him. I feel angry that he didn't protect me from my mother. I feel abandoned that he didn't help me grow from a boy into young man. I am very awkward around men and feel left out of the 'guy world'. I want to make peace with this in some way. I thought it might be helpful to write about it and get feedback. I am just so tired of all of the past issues. I want to live in the present and experience peace. I am disappointed that I am not better than I planned - I had a 5 year plan after my meltdown and feel behind schedule.

Anyway, that is one of the things flying around in my head today.

[tinam7]

Maybe the first thing I'll say is you have plenty of company. How many of us here had weak, deficient, absent parents? That's where many problems begin. Actually they begin before our parents. It begins with the poor parenting they experienced before we came along. Your father probably had his own problems fitting into the "guy world" whatever that means. So maybe the first step is to realize their circumstances. Mine were all taken up with mere survival (during war). What could possibly be left over for me? Next to nothing besides poor physical basics.

You have yourself; you can and must work on strengthening and improving yourself, your self image, your self assurance, self confidence, self worth. It can be done. Writing can be so helpful. Here to support you as best we can.

[Blinderson]

You're not alone. I know how you feel. Just glad you shared. I feel your pain
You can be one of the guys. Get out there and be a man. It just takes time.

[graciesgrammy]

I'm brand new to this site. But along with others your story is identical to mine in many ways except i'm female. My theripist told me to break ties with my mother so i did,this was about 3-4 years ago. My Dad died in the hospital and i was'nt called and never got to 'fix' anything. You sound a little braver then me, finding a place with your mom. I don't even know you and i'm proud of you!

[mujer_verde]

I'm really grateful that you shared a part of your story, it left me feeling not so alone.  I wonder if your 5 year plan was not realistic and that's why you are behind?  I find that as a child of an alcoholic/mist in the air dad and abusive mother I have ridiculously high expectations for myself which always result in my coming up short and feeling completely demoralized. 

I am female, but I relate to not feeling like "one of the grownups".  I am often stuck in a child's mind, with a child's self-esteem dependent and waiting on a parent who isn't there, was never there, to tell me I'm strong enough, smart enough, kind enough, etc.  I think the reason why I cringe at the cliché of getting in touch with one's inner child is probably b/c I don't have a clue as to how to have love and compassion for myself when I am stuck in that needy child state.

Thank you for sharing :)

[Cynical]

Your title heading is what made me read your post. I had parents, well i had a mother and a step father who was very abusive. To the extent that social services gave my mother the choice of us staying in the family home or her husband. She chose her husband and so at the tender age of 3 i was put into a childrens home. There are other issues that have culminated in my seeking medical help but i feel that this is where it all began for me. Like you i dont trust people and dont talk about issues, its a struggle not to feel a failure. I hope that in time you, and indeed us all, find some sort of peace.

[enviro_chick]

I never considered my issues were anything related to PTSD.  I just thought my parents were messed up...so I was too.  But I purchased a book about being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  That changed my life.  EVERYTHING came back to that.  It was described as a sort of PTSD. I could remember lots of times when my parents fought, but one time in particular - when I was very young and the incident was quite violent...that memory I kept pushing back out of my mind whenever it would surface.  I went to a therapist and did an eye movement desensitization exercise, among other things. It was quite effective.  I don't have as many 'triggers' any more.  Things are better.  Not perfect, but better.  Probably not all because of the therapy, but because I understand now why I am the way I am.  I can now identify why I feel the way I do.  I still don't have a strong relationship with my parents, but I don't feel like they push my buttons like they used to. 

[Elsymir]

My parents weren't so great either.  My mother was never accepting of me, never encouraging...whenever I tried to succeed in anything she would shoot me down or shrug off any of my efforts.  My father was loving, but he is a weak man and my mother controlled him.  If he was nice to me or showed me attention, she would mock it.  I love my father greatly, but to be honest...I don't think I like my mother even a little bit.  I spend a lot of time worrying about the fact that I hope my children never feel like I have felt when it comes to their own mother.  I make sure to love them, tell them so, and to hug and kiss their faces often.  I will always be my childrens number one fan...no matter what may come.  Unconditional love should never end...

Well that just sounds like the rambling of a crazy ^^^  Sorry everyone...haven't slept in days, hope you can understand what I was TRYING to say.

[MsManic]

I understand what you were trying to say, Elsymir.  My father was a raging Viet Nam Marine vet who took out his frustrations on me.  My mom was loving but did nothing to stop him!!  So I grew up fighting boys, I was so angry.  It's good that you (and I) are raising your kids in a loving environment!  But I finally had a meltdown when I confronted my mom last year why she never protected me when I was growing up.  It was a mess.  She defended herself which just made matters worse.  Anyway, I went into the deepest depression of my life due to all that crap coming to the surface and me confronting her.  It sucked.  But I'm coming out of it finally.  I hope you are doing well too! :)

[leeann_g]

oh my gosh. reading these stories make me break down into tears because i can relate so much too this. my father was abusive and overbearing and nothing i ever did was good enough.
my parents divorced and mom pretty much dissapeared forever and moved away.
like all of you this has left profound impacts on me. i am a perfectionist with myself and i dont trust people. i have abandoment issues and i hurt all the time with memories of never feeling loved or wanted, just used and abused.
i never thought to consider PTSD until recently.
thanks for sharing everyone. it is good to know that we are not alone in this pain.

[little one]

  i know what u mean/feel i feel the same about my parents too

[NineFour]

My parents were really out of it, too. My mother was flaky and neglectful, and my stepfather molested and beat me. I mostly had to take care of myself, and they even started leaving me alone at night, at 11 years of age, so they could go out partying on the weekends without having to hire a sitter. Please believe me when I say I empathize.

[MsManic]

It's my mother's birthday today.  We made peace but I still can't get over the mental meltdown I endured by confronting my issues from childhood and her a couple yrs ago.  But by doing this, I feel like I am freer than I was before.  I stopped drinking alcohol as a result of my bipolar depression and feel a lot better now that I don't drink when I am feeling down.  We have to make ammends in AA, but I don't think I'll be making any to my mom or dad.

Nine-four:  I'm so sorry you experienced so much pain, abuse and neglect.  What you went thru is unspeakable.  No child should have to go thru what u did.  There is a special place in hell for molestors.  I hope you are ok.