Fear of Ageing

[jethro]

Am posting again to make clear I never mean to deny or diminish anyone else's feelings or thinking. It's just that mine are different and I'm given to hyperbole.

For me the grass is simply not greener anywhere: not in the past, not elsewhere in the world, not in my neighbor's yard. Have fortunately never been dazzled by all that is dangled before us, now more than ever. In my view well-being comes primarily from within and that we actually have some control over.

tinam, your perspective is always welcome.   I appreciate your words of encouragement, even though for a nut-case like me, they may take some time to sink in .

[jethro]

Oddly enough, for a short time, i had much the same attitude that you did.  When I was, maybe, 18 or 19, some young man came to the door for some sort of business reason i think and the issue of my age came up.  I guess i may've been all whiskery and rumpled at the time, and the issue of my age came up.  I can't remember why.  He apologized for assuming i was a teenager and said I was probably around thirty.  I took it as a compliment, but I wondering if he was joking in retrospect.
When I was about 20 working at a hotel, I proudly related this to a fellow worker about my age.  He seemed skeptical and I said I looked around "20, 25".  Obviously my perspective's changed since then.  Which doesn't mean of course that yours will. (I wouldn't want to be patronizing ).
I know (if I live) I've got to become, and look, visibly, certifiably "old".  Fortunately i can write this now without being as bummed out/terrified by it as I have been the last few months. (Let's hope my "new perspective" "holds".)

[tinam7]

Well, here I go again. Why do you feel you've "got to become, and look, visibly, certifiably old?" Wrong; wrong.

For example, I have plenty young hunks envious of me when I'm in the gym. I can't lift the weights they do, but I don't grunt or groan either: I enjoy myself. They might try enjoying themselves too. They have no idea how old I am (almost 3/4 of a century) because what I feel on the inside glows over the outside. They wish they were as flexible and nimble as I am.

[jethro]

tinam,
What I may have is a relatively rare form of body dysmorphia.  Most body dysmorphics think they're hideous.  Types like me don't think that, but are emotionally disturbed that they're not perfect.  It doesn't matter to us that we're "wrong, wrong, wrong".  BDD is a very irrational pattern of thought, perception and emotion.  I don't have it as bad as some, who actually commit 0119 over it (many of them quite good looking btw).  I'm trying to overcome it, but it's not as easy as somebody telling them they're "wrong".  It's really deep-seated and hard to uproot.
But there may be some hope for me.  I was looking through dozens and dozens of photos of me I took on my hard-drive.  They're "profile photo rejects".  Over the years people have asked me for pictures to go with some article or something I've written, so it wasn't just out of vanity that I took them all.  It was a "social obligation" of sorts I guess.
Anyway, many of them were back when I was in my mid-40's, some as late as age 48.  Many that made me cringe and sent me into the pits, I now almost look on with sweet nostalgia.  Which proves, how you see yourself can gradually shift over time.  Maybe that's nature's way of letting us down easy.
Anyway, this is a BDD thing, and it'll take some time.

[tinam7]

Even when I'm apparently wrong we can make some progress. Having a label for your difficulty helps, in my view. We now know it is BDD. I have recently been able to put a label on my disorder: ISS. Helps me to tackle the problem though I've been working on it anyway.

In your case I think we'd want to know: is it your body, your face, your skin, your head, your hair, your size, your shape, etc. that gives you pain instead of pleasure? Having a Freudian bent, it is also helpful (so I think) to identify and recognize, if possible, the origins of your perceptions about yourself. With an optimistic outlook, everything is possible.

[jethro]

My torso's pretty good for my age, so it's not that.  My hair's still 99% brown, but it's thinnig badly, with a slightly uneven pattern, because of the way I used to come it to the side.
One eye is worse than the other, but both aren't that great.  One is puffy and wrinkled with a big line accentuating a "bag" under it.  The other is similar but not so pronounced.  In "kind" light, it's almost unnoticable.  It "cruel" it can look awful.  In different mirrors, different lights, I can look 30 years older or younger.  A winter cap can do wonders toward the latter.
So.  Why does it matter?  This is life.  This is reality.
Well, as I've said, I'm doing a lot better, and my "perspective's" improving. 
Maybe it's a combination of MY ageism and SOCIETY'S ageism.
I have had a lawn & garden service I started in my early 30's and many of my clients were old.  Before and concurrently with that I worked for  a Senior Center as both a caregiver and in lawn care.  Old people, with the best of intentions, are often talked to and treated like toddlers.  I've seen it.  Often.  I've also seen isolation and loneliness.  The older people who rose above these were exceptional.  For most, getting older was no bowl of cherries.
Also, even though I'm 53, I'm "idealistic" and "curious", so I tend to gravitate toward a younger crowd.  Even though I tend to find them GENERALLY more interesting I do feel more and more self-conscious in their company.  It's nothing they deliberately do.  When there are people around my age who join the gathering, I feel more relieved, less out of place.  But still, in many ways, the path I've followed and still follow, makes me identify with younger people more than people my age.  Again, it's sort an identity crisis.
You are fortunate tinam to have found a situation you're happy with.  I think this may be partly due to your being a woman.  I think "society" finds it charming for an older woman to hang out with young men, but creepy or wierd for an older man to hang out with younger people, especially young women.
I admit, I may be making more of this than I should, that my perceptions are distorted.
I'd rather wrestle with these feelings from a perspective of realism than optimism.  And I think I've made progress that way.
 
 

[tinam7]

It may well be an identity crisis. You describe your situation well. Hair is rough, to be sure. Consider Putin: he doesn't care. You are working at your issues and are making nice progress.

My problem is not looking back, wanting to be young again. My problem is looking forward and the long, drawn out, hideous endings that can happen. So called medical advances can torture us in various, endless ways. The challenge (some might say) is to bury the past, block out the future and live in the moment.  That almost involves shutting out our consciousness. Who can do that? I've tried for it and sometimes can create a bubble, but it bursts and I can crash to ever deeper depths. So I think you are actually doing better than I am for which I am glad.

[angelk01]

Yeah i know how easy it is to feel like this. It becomes very hard to stop thinking
about it. It becomes your sole objective to remain youthful and always think of yourself
in a certain manner. It is important to let go but i think the first thing to do is to be happy and at ease with
yourself and how you look. xxx

[Jeannddp]

Hey Jethro...

Just saw this old thread and just had to write.

I too feel a bit like you. I am a 45 yo f who feels her health, youth, good looks and number of days left are diminishing. I am a very extroverted person. My past job always put me in touch with the public and I loved it. I also would say I  was a fairly attractive female. I never had an issue getting anything I wanted through my good looks. I ALWAYS worried about my health, but basically I at the time was as healthy as an ox.

So, now I sit here, a middle aged housewife who has been unemployed for over 16 yrs, who DOES NOT look like she used to (seeing fine lines on face), who's in a constant panic over health issues, and is seeing those around her aging rapidly before her eyes. I have now become the caretaker of my aging, elderly parents which is very depressing. Add in, that thru stress and age, I can't eat the same foods as I used to without GI problems.

Friends and family think I have it all. But do I really? Some people just don't know what you're going through. Whether its imagined or real, no one knows how you feel unless they live in your brain.  I guess most (not all) of us would like to go back in time. That's a normal feeling, but we cannot. We have to learn to embrace the age or stage that we're at and try to be content with it. I know I'll never be the same "Jeanne" that I was. That girl has long gone., but the "new" Jeanne has more wisdom, empathy and love that the old version lacked. It's a trade off.

Just think you're the youngest that you're ever going be at this moment. Every stage of life has an importance and meaning and you are only as old as you feel. My nana passed away a few yrs ago shy of 104. She greeted each day like a new beginning. She didn't dwell on her age and what was to come. She looked forward to tomorrow  and everything that came with it.   Be grateful for today, because we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

[angelk01]

Yeah i have the same feeling but mine is always that people will
criticize me and judge me for the way i look as i have a birthmark
on my right cheek plus the fact that i am constantly concerned about
getting old or looking old that it has taken my life over quite a bit as sometimes
the fear takes me over so much i cant go out the door as it is an intense feeling that
i will be put into a situation whereby someone may say something about me that is
negative or nasty that i cannot handle as i am very fragile about these issues of appearance.

[jethro]

Thanks Jeanne,
Of course, what you say is true.  I don't quite think I'm ready to "embrace" "the new (old) Jethro" but I'm doing my damndest to accept it.  It's a bit like getting into a steaming hot tub, it has to be done very gingerly, and I definitely must ever so cautiously take my own sweet time at it.
I think I'm still in denial though.  I think I can discover some "anti-aging serum or program" that'll buy me some time.  But the realization that even if that's true, even that "granted extension" must one day end.  I speculate that being faced with that reality makes my symptoms quite a bit like panic attacks.  They are acutely "alarming".
Yes, I see the value of "cognitive therapy" and indeed I'm trying to apply that as much as possible, while working around it with various projects and goals of daily life.  But one thing I want to be careful of is "tying it up in a bow and sweeping it under the rug".  I've got to see it clearly in order to put it all in perspective, which may be a slow and painful process.  But I'm having more moments of hope than I was before.
I was a hypochondriac for, maybe, 15 years.  It took a long time to get to "recovering", but it's a big improvement.  I still have mild panic attacks, but I finally became "wise to them" and can "stare them down" when they happen.  The vast majority are very manageable, though I have had a few rare bad ones like I used to.  They almost convince me "You're a fool.  You think you can talk yourself out of me?  Well, you're wrong.  This time, you ARE dying!  Ha Ha Ha, wicked laughter".  My point here is that even though I've got my panic attacks 99.9% under control through cognitive therapy, even they flare-up.  I suspect the same thing may happen with my gerascophobia for some time to come.  I may always be "recovering".
Thing is, I still very much "identify" with my young self.  In my mind, it's 1987, and I'm 28.  I know that's wierd.  But it's truly how I feel.

[jethro]

Angel,
I knew a girl in high school with a large birthmark on her face.  She was very pretty.
I have BDD myself so I can relate to your fears and I guess some teenagers can be cruel, so I guess you may have good reasons for them.  It's been a long time since I moved in those circles.  I think your photos looked fine, but bottom line is, are you a good person?  If you are, there's no need to worry about anybody else thinks.  (Now if I could only learn to take my own adive..... )

[LindaRK]

Interesting posts - love reading both sides of the story.

In a way, I've had very similar feelings as you in regards to the fear of aging, but with me, I believe it's all about losing so many years to depression and anxiety (anxiety mostly).   It's like the best years of my life were snatched away from me and I can't get them back - the years ahead, well, I'll be 55 this year.  It's not like I can do the things I could have done 30-35 years ago.  It's pretty frustrating for me.  I'm having difficulty "resorting" to the fact that I now have to do "age appropriate" activities.  Arggghh!!

As to the physical aging business - I'm female.  Men can age however they want - whether they are young or age, if they have wrinkles and gray hair, nobody notices.  Or they say he looks distinguished.  Women with wrinkles and gray hair?  We look old.  Thank you media.  Fortunately, I moved away from an area (Orange County in Southern California) where it was all about me, me, me to a rural area where I can go make-up free and jeans and a t-shirt with holes in it and nobody cares ...... it's pretty easy to get caught up in the "keeping up with the Jones'" in both looks and materialism.

[LindaRK]

Oh, and I must add .... what an experience it is to get "carded" for a senior discount BEFORE you're 55.  Of course, my husband is 55 (a few months ahead of me), but he loves it because he gets a 10% discount. All in the attitude, I guess!

[tinam7]

I've been posting at self help sites almost 4 years now. While I generally look upon much of tech "advances" with some disdain and skepticism, I can say that posting and interacting at such sites has been spectacular for me. Much as I would have liked to help others, I probably never helped a soul except myself. I can't believe how I wake up now often ecstatic to still be around. I will be 75 this year.

My task was to figure out why I lived my life as I did including years of depression, crying, suicidal thoughts. And, is everything lost now? Well, sure, some things are lost: we get only one life. But, oddly enough, as powerless as I've generally been, self analysis, insight, understanding and then steady doses of CBT have enabled me to live as perhaps never before.

One of my first steps to betterment was to banish regret at having lived the life of a tumbleweed and having failed no-one less than my mother and brother. Tough to live with no regret, to be sure. Needs constant, vigilant attention or I again drift into pain and despair. "What's done cannot be undone." (Macbeth). At least I don't have blood on my hands, though it can feel that way sometimes. Fighting regret is a constant uphill battle and I can say I do manage to throw it out regularly. It generally does not get the upper hand. But it is like a weed in a garden: it will try to return again and again.

[LindaRK]

Easier said than done!  But you're right - my regret isn't about anything bad I've done, just that I could have done something more or something different.  I just try to stay focused on what more I can do with where I am today and try to be somewhat content with that.  That's a hard one, too, as I'm very driven and a high achiever.

[tinam7]

Yes, I can see where that could give regret a different dimension. I am neither driven nor a high achiever. Content to get by. Yet being closer to the end I somehow want to triumph over it and that excludes regret among other feelings. Is this making sense? Not sure. Have not been here before. 

As to appearance, I have always enjoyed clothes but to please myself primarily and not others. I find I can still do that, even in old age as long as I stay in shape, which I can do.

[LindaRK]

I'm with you on the clothing!!!!  When I lived in an area in Southern California - it was all about wearing all the rage clothing and looking young and good.  That took way too much energy if you ask me.  I love living where I do now - no reason to try and keep up, but just live comfortably and simply.

[tinam7]

This has the potential of developing into one of my Life Observations that I give........free. You get what you pay for, ha ha.

Anyway (this is for you too, jethro), we must have creativity in our life, at any age. Some of the young get it by dashing off to  plastic surgeons, Botox dispensers, bleaching salons, teeth bleaching havens, tattoo parlors, piecing parlors, tailor. Tailor?? Yes, to shorten those skirts and lower the necklines and tighten the pants. The truth is that we can indeed be wonderfully creative about ourselves: outfits, color, texture, design, patterns, layered combinations, vests, jackets, scarves, hair styles, makeup or no makeup.

We need to be creative at any age. As we age, in my experience, there is much more time to explore creativity in any number of ways. Another big plus for The Aged.

[angelk01]

Angel,
I knew a girl in high school with a large birthmark on her face.  She was very pretty.
I have BDD myself so I can relate to your fears and I guess some teenagers can be cruel, so I guess you may have good reasons for them.  It's been a long time since I moved in those circles.  I think your photos looked fine, but bottom line is, are you a good person?  If you are, there's no need to worry about anybody else thinks.  (Now if I could only learn to take my own adive..... )

Hello Jethro, Thank you for this. Yes i am a good person lol. It's inportant to help each other out i think.
Yeah its is very difficult to take advice from people as you mentioned BDD can make things heightened as
i feel that way i am always preoccucpied with my appearance and as this thread mentions fear of ageing which
is one aspect of what i feel and the other is the birthmark. As i said to you on the message i am 17 and i was happy
yesterday coz when me and my friend went out for a meal the lady thought i was 16. :D. xxx Do you often feel preoccupied
with how you look too and constantly overthinking?

[LindaRK]

Funny thing about birthmarks ...... I have this fairly large birthmark on my hand.  It's located right at my wrist.  When I was in elementary school, I used to take a pen and draw a watch and watchband around it because I was so self-conscious about it.  Unbelievable when I think about that now!

[angelk01]

This is me lol. 

[jethro]

Linda,
Not all men age in a distinguished way, and many women do---Joan Collins, Barbara Stanwick, Jessica Tandy.  But from an inner identity perspective, "distinguished looking men" aren't "me".
So far, I've never been offered a senior discount.  I guess it has to happen pretty soon though.

[jethro]

tinam,
Thanks for the words of encouragement.  I think I've VERY creative about clothes, etc. to try to improve my appearance, almost to the point of obsession.  Oddly in my early youth, my fashion sense was awful.  I didn't have a clue, though it seems like most people my age did.
Of course I'm going to keep trying---what else can I do---but it's hard to convey how strong and intense these emotions are that wash over, and panic, me.  I try to maintain perspective, and fleetingly gain it, but it's very mercurial.  I guess all grief is overcome through time, so maybe this will too.  But this may take a while longer than griefs past.

[jethro]

Yes, Angel, sadly I agonize about my appearance almost every single day and this "aging thing" has added a whole new oppressive layer to my BDD.  Oddly, Sometimes I'll go for a few days of having absolutely great "face days" where ever mirror I happen to see myself in tells me I can pass for 22 (well, maybe 30), which in turn fuels a "fantasy world" of outwitting "the age demon".  Then I see some bad reflections and bad photos and the vicious cycle starts all over again.  But now "the good face days" are gettting fewer and fewer.
You look great!  You look like a pretty young 17-year-old that could easily pass for 16.  Savor your youth to fullest.  I wish I had.