Fear of Ageing

[jethro]

I first wanted to post this to another depression forum I found in a Google search of "depressed about ageing".  It very much spoke to my own pain on the issue.  Unfortunately, when I tried register, I ran into a whole bunch of rules and regulations and technical provisos that confused and intimidated me, so I decided not to pursue it.  I've decide to post it here.  While I have, and have had, many "disorders" (yes, yes, self-diagnosed), I think this may get closest to the root of all of them.  An obsession with my vanishing youth (or should I say "vanished"), what looks I may or hope I had, the deep, intense sense of grief over this loss, and near "panic" that I can't escape it. even with all the exercise and "anti-ageing" schemes in the world.  This and subsequent posts about my fear/confrontation with my drift into "old age", I hope will serve as a kind of "talk therapy" to at least alleviate my pain and fear, even if I'm the only one "listening".  Here's that post:
Hello,
I know this is an old thread, but I've been going through a crisis and searching the Net to see if anyone else has been going through anything like I have.  I have found a few, including this one.
I really don't know if, or what, can be done about the state I'm in, but I thought it might have some therapeutic value to try to articulate it and share it with others, even though sometimes on the Internet, nobody seems to be home.
I am a 53 year old man and I've been going through sporadic bouts of very bad depression, one main contributing cause being a deep sense of loss, sadness and grief over my past and youth, my diminishing looks, and now, a rapid plummet in libido.  (It used to be I could find some sort of "escape" from my anxiety and depression.  Now that's nearly impossible.)
Like "kintrovert", I was very introverted and socially awkward, beginning in my early teens.  I never grew out of it.  I was chubby, sometimes fat, off and on during my teens and youth, though I did have a few periods, thankfully, when I was trim, so got to be a decent if not good looking youth, if only rarely.
I wasn't just shy.  I was eccentric, disgruntled, sometimes an angry young man, bitter with and disdainful of my peers and society, sometimes hopelessly idealistic and into spirituality, a dreamer.  I'm sure I am, and always have been, difficult and moody, so not very good company.
I started worrying about aging when I was 26, and grieved over my 27th birthday.  I seemed to have, and still have, a bizarre combination of narcissism and body dysmorphia, where one day, or several days, I will have "good face days" and be insufferably pleased with myself, thinking I must be fooling everyone around that I'm still in my 20's---well, not a day ove 30, anyway. Other days I feel awful, having seen a terrible reflection of myself in a mirror, or awful photo, which brings home the terrifying reality that soon I will not only BE old, but LOOK every year my age.  It effects my entire image of myself, my entire identity---and I'm ashamed to say how shallow I feel knowing this. 
Throughout my life, people have expressed amazement at how young I looked.  I know that sounds like bragging, but, even though I know my ego may be distorting things and they were just being kind, it happened often enough to make me think I did look younger than my years. This "Indian Summer of my Youth", often created an illusion I'd never get old (though in my more sober moments I knew I had to, and continued to worry about it, if only in the back of my mind.)
Like "kintrovert", I never had many "rights of passage".  My youth kind of meandered on uneventfully.  It wasn't fun-filled.  Just a series of dreary jobs and economic survival, desperately pursued dreams that I never seemed to have discipline to make happen.  It's just amazing how fast the years went by between 28 and 53, and in my bizarre, twisted mind, I still have my 28-year-old self-image.  More and more, clearly seeing I'm NOT, has brought me to a full-blown INDENTITY CRISIS.  Again this is ABSURD, but I just don't identify with people my age.  Hey, they're great people.  But THEY, are OLD.  I, am YOUNG.
When I see young people in town---it's a university town---I feel such envy for them.  I know that's sick, but I can't help it.  It also intensifies my sense of grief towards my long-past youth.  It's like a nagging heartsickness.  Sometimes, for brief moments, maybe a few hours a day if I try really hard, I can rise above it and put it in perspective.  But then it hits me suddenly again without warning, and I feel almost powerless to stop it.  It's a grief so intense, it almost feels like nausea. That it's winter in the northwest and I'm in a small, isolated rural town, doesn't help matters much either.
I fully intend to keep chipping away at this with my old standby---cognitive therapy.  But I just had to get this off my chest.  If there's anybody out there who can relate, I hope it helps to know you're not alone.

[tinam7]

I must be careful not to be greedy about this opportunity you present to go on and on and on, etc. regarding my views of this youth obsessed culture we live in. Just as you look at the young with envy, I look at them with some pity. I'll control myself from becoming specific.

What I can say is I'm so glad to be old (much older than you) and that I do not have to be part of what is promoted by the young, as I perceive their culture. Sorry this is not what you were looking for, but I can only be truthful and forthright.

[jethro]

Thanks, Tinam.
My envy isn't rational or justified.  It's just a statement of what I feel, deluded and foolish though it may be.  My purpose is to explore my feelings, not to defend them, necessarily.
Yes.  This society's been worshipping youth since at least the Pepsi Generation.  Not that that's been right.  My envy is not rational.  It's primal.  Who was that Spaniard that was so excited because he thought he'd found the fountain of youth?  What about Faust, and his bargain with the Devil?  The more recent interpretations of the vampire myth.  I think it's an ancient longing, that may effect some of us more than
others. Some of us, perhaps most of us, unlike "sick pups" like me, age contentedly.
Feel free to be "greedy" and speak your mind.  Maybe it'd be good therapy for me to tell me what I don't want to hear.  But I'll speak back frankly myself, though not angrily.
Yes, I've got a lot to say on all this, so I will have more posts.

[tinam7]

I certainly do not mean to diminish your feelings which surely are real enough and others share, including no less a great writer than Goethe. I, on the other hand, feel relief at not being young and am perhaps happier in old age than earlier times.

Before I roll out my grievances (if I dare) against the culture of the youth obsessed, would it help you to explore your feelings?

[jethro]

I'm not sure if your thoughts would be helpful, but they may well be.  I welcome them, and think I'd find them interesting.  But I can't say how I'd respond.

[GenSec]

But I can't say how I'd respond.

Polite aknowledgement and due consideration for the fact that someone has opted to take the time to offer constructive responses to your thread/issues, perhaps?

No offence, but i feel obliged to point out that when you use terms like "i will respond frankly" and "i can't say how i'd respond", you're kinda making it sound like your preparing to launch confrontation when all someone is doing is trying to enlighten you as to a different perspective on ageing. You almost sound like you feel threatened by the idea of a person older than you offering you a more positive counter-proposal to your negative perception on the very natural process of ageing.

We don't always hear what we want to hear; but sometimes in life its necessary. Sometimes in the longer term it is beneficial to us. We can become locked in thinking that is harmful to our emotional wellbeing.

May i ask, what exactly is it that you are wanting to hear? As tinam7 has already offered - lets explore your feelings.

I personally don't think this is primarily to do with age. This is really about you feeling that you've missed out in life. If you didn't feel that you'd missed out on something then i don't think you'd be this depressed about growing old.

[jethro]

I didn't mean to seem dismissive of tinam's offer to give her/his thoughts.  I just couldn't promise that I'd be helped by them, not because they wouldn't be perfectly valid and insightful, but because, as I've stated, my feelings about my aging are so emotionally intense and raw, that reason might not be able to quite reach me.   I just didn't want tinam to go through a lot of time and effort to help when maybe I'm at a point where I can't be helped.   Maybe I just have to "grieve".
I think I admitted that "missiong out on life"---or foolishly neglecting it while I had the chance---is a major part of my grief.  I'm responsible for much of it.  But if I'd had everything I wanted, would I grieve that I didn't have more?  Or if my youth had been good, might I not want it to end?  The ending of a good thing can also be sad, and bring grief.
I know we live in a youth obsessed culture with youth-positive images all over the media, but I can't blame that for my own "sickness".  A lot of it's plain old. crass vanity, and frankly, my own "ageism", which I don't try to defend at all.  I think the theme pre-dated our present youth-obsessed culture---witness Oscare Wilde's, The Picture of Dorian Gray.
I may be sick, but I'm also a critical thinker, and to be true to myself, I sometimes have to question any analysis of any problem presented to me.
Actually, the phobia I seem to be suffering from has a name: gerascophobia.
I guess it's ironic.  I may be a miserable, malcontented, alienated middle-aged person, but looking back, maybe I was just as miserable, malcontented,  and alienated as a youth!
(Actually, I think it was I, not tinam, who suggested I explore my feelings.)

[healthierforu]

  thank  you for your post! I have never put it in words...........but that is pretty much the root to my depression.that is where it all starts for me.........where has my healthly body gone.?...........then all the other HA COMES INTO PLAY....what i mean is I give the lose of my youth as the reason that I must be dieing of a dreaded disease {in my head.}  The stupidity of my younger years always haunts me.......dont get me wrong I was not a drug addict or criminal just too many missed oppurtunities to name.  Yes someday the grief is almost unbearable. I dont want to be young again to act like the youth do today I just want to be young again to try to fix anything I regret and mostly to enjoy it like I should have........appreciate it !!!!   Just  typing this is making me really sad ....it seems that unlike my HA ....talking about it doesnt make it better....it makes it worse.   I hope you find peace and when you do please let me know!

[tinam7]

That word is not in my inadequate dictionaries so I must guess at what the real issue could be. It is not mere vanity I'll assume because much can be done today to preserve a youthful appearance. Better than a portrait of youth (Dorian Gray). Go under the knife and you can fool anyone. I prefer to look in the  mirror and recognize myself.

Then maybe it is regret of life not lived well. The image makers, spinners of fairy tales, myth makers, Hollywood, etc. play their role here too. Another kind of falsehood represented these days by everyone portrayed with gleaming smiles in a state of perpetual bliss and euphoria.

Then maybe it is another dimension of greed. Not Enough. Not enough of all that life has to offer. We didn't achieve enough, see enough, experience enough, get enough, accumulate enough, etc. We are given only so much time to squeeze it all in.

My question is: Whoever promised anyone a rose garden?

[jethro]

Plastic surgery doesn't fool me, nor a lot of people, from the comments I heard.  Older people who "go under the knife" *may* improve their looks a little, but they still look like older people who've had plastic surgery.  I once saw this fitness infomercial with some older guy---40 to 50, maybe---promoting some sort of exercise machine or system.  He was very fit and had jet black hair.  His face was "tight" and relatively smooth, but, thing is, it wasn't really youthful, because no matter how much you may do to "eliminate the visible signs of aging", you lose collagen.  Older people who lose weight and tone their face and body, look much "gaunter" than people in their 30's & younger.  Which isn't at all to disparage their efforts to take care of themselves.

When I was a hypochondriac back in my thirties, I was going to the emergency room ridiculously often.  I was very offended when I saw scrawled on the medical report "acute chronic anxiety".  Now I know, and have known for some time, that I do have anxiety.    Usually, it's not so bad, bu, t in the past few months, it's gotten quite a bit more frequent and acute.  It often comes in "flashes", "surges", and sometimes I'm not even clear exactly where it's coming from.  It can attach itself to anything, and now it seems to be attaching itself to this "aging obsession" I'm having.

Yes, a disappointment in the quality of my youth time, even greed, "wanting to be young forever",  wishing for a second chance, plays a major role in my present suffering.  I know life doesn't promise us a rose garden on a rational level, but I've got to work through these feelings on an intuitive level too.  I never claimed to be a saint.

BTW, a term came to me I'd heard of in the past but forgotten----"midlife crisis".  I'm going to print out and read the Wikipedia article and discussion pages on it to try to see if I can learn from it what I'm experiencing now.  I have to explore this on many levels---visceral, philosophical, ironic....  It won't be easy, but I take some comfort in taking some steps.

[tinam7]

Sir Jethro, this is so exciting: you are expanding your outlook, recognizing that there are many layers to your issue. Stick around and before you know it you'll be jumping for joy that you no longer have to get tattooed, drill holes into your ears, nose, eyelids, lips to keep pace with the times, get decorated, and stand out. You don't have to get mohawk haircuts or color your hair blue, pink, indigo, or red or grow pigtails or shave your head altogether. You don't have to wear jeans that make you squirm in agony.

I've lost control. My apologies.

[tinam7]

I'm afraid I'm probably driving you away with my exaggerations. But, in truth, the attitudes toward aging in our culture exasperate me, to put it mildly. Turn 40 or 50, or, mercy, 60, develop some lines in the face, maybe grow some grey hair and you may as well be "over the hill" or ready to be put to pasture.

There are cultures where age and experience are valued, even venerated. Anxiety can be conquered and so can the lopsided view of aging. We must be in there putting up a good fight. It is not too late for you, Jethro, to pursue whatever your heart desires. We are here to support you. 

[jethro]

Thanks, tinam.  Problem is, it's my own ageism that's a lot of the source of my  problem, not just "society's".  I don't identify much with people in general, but older people even less.  I still view them much the same way I did in my teens and youth.  Further, for years and years, I've been "desiring" less and less.  My anxiety has pretty much taken over my emotional life and it's a major effort to enjoy ANYTHING I used to, though I keep on trying. (What else can I do?)
Yes, some cultures, esp. Asian, highly value old age.  Sounds to me like another form of ageism.  A lot of "pro-old" sentiment in U.S. society strikes me as rather condescending.  Please don't "revere" me, or "dismiss" me.  I'm not your mentor.  I've got my own angst to deal with.  Throughout my 30's, when I've worked for older people, I've seen many spoken to like they were three year olds, not sternly, but in a squealing, saccarine way.  Old people are often infantilized, even if only subtly.  (Yet, some actually seem to like it.)  It's ironic, I didn't like being dismissed as a stereotype in my teens and youth, and I don't want to be treated or seen as a stereotype---a cute, or a "wise" old person---when I'm old.  (I'm impossible to please, I guess.)
No.  I think my road will be rocky and steep, and the weather of my life turbulent and dark, with few sunbreaks.  It's best to face reality.
But---I think my ranting, whining, engagement with you and others, and herbal supplements, have alleviated my anguish a little and I may be making some progress.
(Following will be a post you may find silly, but I had to get it out.)     

[jethro]

I originally posted this to another forum Feb. 1, 2011, that discusses movies (among other things).

The Baby Jane Syndrome

Every once in a while, over many years, I have seen older people, maybe 50 on up, wearing what seemed to be the styles of their teenage and youth years.  I remember at a flea market in the late 80's or early 90's, an old man wearing a bushy 1950's ducktail, aviator's jacket, and tinted wire-framed mid-seventies glasses. (I hope it won't seem disrespectful to use age-related labels, but I don't quite know how to avoid them in trying to explain myself).

In Willits, CA, a thin "young/old" woman, her face wrinkled and worn, wearing a very short "micro" mini-skirt, and otherwise scantily clad, her face almost "worried".  Did she feel self-conscious, that her attempt to "cling" to her youthful past was glaringly futile?

There was a 40, maybe 50-something man in Redwood Valley, who obviously took care of himself, often in shorts and an open shirt, that would often walk his big dog on a leash to the store.  He always seemed very relaxed and good-humored.  One day I saw him in Ukiah in the parking lot, and it almost looked from his facial expression that he was struggling against the onset of "doddering" old age.  The "easy-going" smile he seemed to be trying to keep on his face, and the casual step he was trying to maintain, was almost forced, almost a conscious resistance to what he suspected or knew was the onset of "visible" old age.

Billy Ray Cyrus, the 80's "achy breaky hunk", mid 2000's wearing a 15 years outdated "grunge" haircut.

I've seen many, many aging and older people like this.  Old babes.  Old dudes.  Old 70's "Burt Bacharach 70's-era Mr. cool guys" holding on to threads of a youthful self-image.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not laughing at or putting any of these people down.  On the contrary, I've recently had a few pangs of doubt and embarrasment about myself.

I'm 52.  Some of you have read in my zines about my perpetual 28-year-old self-image.  Let me explain a little further.  Another confession.  To put it kindly to myself, I'm "bantam weight"---short and wiry.  What does this mean?  Well, I'm a thrift store shopper, and I can wear "youth size" clothes.  They fit me very well, so that's often what I buy, when I'm not buying "men's, size small".  I buy collarless polos when I can find good ones,  and a lot of T-shirts because they're cheap.  Not the underwear kind, but the colored kind with messages on them---rock bands, "youth" slogans, etc., etc.  I usually try to get the more "toned down" ones, but they're still "teenage/youth shirts", the kinds maybe "pop hardcore punks" might wear.

Generally, I gravitate to the kinds of clothes I may have worn in my teens, twenties or early thirties, some, because they're at thrift stores, may actually date back as early as the 80's.  I don't do this to try to be fashionably retro or anything, it's just that this is what my eye's drawn to as somebody who's "stuck" in that time period.  As I said, almost unconsciously, I buy what a 28-year old dude in the late 80's would, thinking it might look good on me.  (I'm not into the baggy, saggy look that seemed to come later.)

It struck me, with a certain amount of alarm, and shame, one day, when I thought a group of young college students seemed to be suppressing grins at me, that maybe, wearing all this outdated "youth clothing", I didn't look young and cool at all, but like an aging man, TRYING TO, but REALLY just looking bizarre.  Could it be that people like me, with young self-images (irrational and vain as that probably is), are prone even more than others our age, to "the Baby Jane Syndrome".  And in our deluded fantasy of squeezing out every last year of "an illusion of youth", we just look ridiculous?  When I get ready to go into town and check myself in the mirror, I'm usually able to "fool myself I look real cool", ah, but maybe my senile old mind's putting blinders on me.

Someday, I'm going to have to deal with that day "when I look in the mirror in total surprise" and can't blot out the geezer that stares back---just like Baby Jane in her own horrible moment of truth.

Oh, well.  I deal with it tomorrow.

(Jethro)

[tinam7]

I enjoyed reading your commentary. Am also small and not into fads. I appreciate clothes, wear the same size as when young.  In truth, I am as vain as anyone and do everything I can to preserve a "youthful" appearance mainly because I prefer not to scare myself with my image in the mirror. I can add that I have almost a quarter century on you.

An example: in the gym, as I was going on a rant re this subject, a man said, "You know, we don't get any better looking." That may be true, but here's what I maintain: We can do much to preserve our muscles, flexibility, posture, strength, shape as far as the body goes. The face, I say, is a mirror of the interior person and his/her outlook. I have always searched for a person's spirit, psyche, soul, if you will, beyond the visible facial features of a person. I try to detect the person on the inside which reflects on the outside. A beautiful person on the inside is beautiful on the outside. This interior can shine through no matter what the age, or at least this is what I think.

[jen2213]

I do this as well even though I am only 27, I miss when I was 18 and modeling and young and felt like I had my whole life to look forward to.

I know from personal experience that this is easier said than done, but we need to stop looking in the past and stop thinking or worrying about the future and only think about what we're doing now and enjoy that time while we have it. You only get one shot at this life (according to some religions and beliefs) so take advantage of that and remind yourself everytime you decide to not do something or wen you worry about your age, that it doesn't matter how long you live or how long you have lived, what matters is how you spend that time and how people will remember you when you are gone.

[tinam7]

Thank you for joining, Jen. You help to present the insane damage this culture inflicts on people. It is an outrage. We deserve Justin Bieber as President, Miley Cyrus as V.P. and Taylor Swift as Secretary of State. The rest of the cabinet must be 15 or under.

Jen, your life has hardly begun. Everything is wide open for you. Every day you grow wiser and more beautiful. Seize the Day, the moment, praise yourself, and look forward to the next 60 years where each year gets better.

[jethro]

Here some further thoughts on my "gerascophobia".  It should be noted that I am using the term in the sense of my own aging, and not in the sense of fear or aversion of old people in general.

I read the Wikipedia article and discussion pages on "Midlife Crisis". I can see many of the symptoms in my own experience.  There's some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who is going or has gone through this.  There were some skeptical comments about midlife crisis in the article, questioning whether it was "real" or not.  This was from a scientific point of view.  But I'm not interested in their science or rigorous definitions.  I believe it's a perfectly valid concept and real phenomenon.  But even the skeptics, though they said it was relatively rare---affecting 10% or less of the middle-aged---seem to acknowledge its reality.  Those who aren't going or haven't gone through it, may see it as so much silliness, "middle-aged crazy".  But for those of us who are or have, its very real, and very painful.  I don't self-mutilate or have many other disorders.  But I don't belittle the suffering of those who do.

As I've written elsewhere on this forum, I have long had a pre-occupation, an obsession, on a daily basis, with "my looks", whether I thought at times I looked very good, or at other times, very disappointing, even awful, each with it's emotional highs and lows.  I've also---at least I perceived myself---as staying "young looking" well into my 40's, maybe even, into my 50's.
The question often arose from people I worked for, "how old are you?".  Often they would tell me I looked younger, or "a lot younger".  One man referred to me when I was a couple months shy of 40, "as the kid who mowed his renters' lawn." I was carded into my early 40's, not just by older people, but ones in their 20's.  This November, I had dinner with a couple I was to pet and house sit for.  The usual questions about "how long I've been a vegan" came up.  As they began to do the math, as I often do, I decided to save them the trouble, and said, "I'm 53".  There was an awkward silence.  To break it, I said, "Sometimes people are surprised I'm that old."  The man said, "Yes, I am, very surprised".  His wife said, seeming almost disappointed, "Here we thought you were a young man.  You're almost as old as we are." (My guess is that they were in their late 50's, early 60's.) Although things like this encourage me, on another level, I feel a certain "embarrasment" about it, almost a "spookiness" that people really do see me "as a young man".
I say this not to brag, but just to offer some evidence that it may not all be just my imagination, or vain wishful thinking.
But as the years go by, the illusion this has fostered that if I just keep eating the right diet, swallowing the right vitamins, minerals, and herbs, keep my body trim and toned, just find the right miracle youth elixir or breakthrough phytonutrient, or the perfect super-rejuvenating skin cream, I can stay ahead of the marring hand of Father Time, is being more or more hammered away.

I read on the Internet that it's a common delusion for many older people to think they look younger than they are.  Could I be one of them?  Hearing what I want to hear, seeing what I want to see?  More and more the evidence for that sad possibility is mounting. The mirror which is often kind, is increasingly cruel, and will mock me, and casual photos posted on the Net, mock me even worse, indeed brutalize my ego.  If I ever really did have a youthful Indian Summer, at some point, it must draw to close.  Vain, sick fool that I am, that terrifies me.  It may be one main source of my anxiety.

I'll admit a good part of this is plain old shallow vanity (and I'm not proud of it).  But another part is an "identity crisis" of sorts.  Transexuals look in the mirror and there's a conflict between the body they see and what they feel inside.  Could there be the same thing with gerascophobes like myself?  I just don't feel like what I'm beginning to look like.  My self-image and mirror/photo image are at jarring odds.  I can't imaginge being among the middle-aged or elderly "cultures" (or at least as I see them in my sick, ageist mind.)

One reason for this may be that I "haven't made it" in life. I'm a very "marginal" person. This doesn't matter to me on a philosophical level, but being a member of a social species, I do feel some "shame" in it, even when I know I shouldn't.  When you're young, it's charming to be "shiftless" and "idealistic" and "rebellious" and "independent", to be "in search of yourself."  When you're my age, its looked upon as "wierd", "creepy" and "pathetic".  The young can get away with so much more, and come up smelling like roses.

Also, I don't know how to "be" middle-aged.  I was 22 in 1980.  I'm not claiming to be some kind of rock-n-roll animal, or Mr. Hip or anything.  I don't have or want tattoos or piercings.  But I grew up with Depeche Mode, Joy Division, the early beginnings of Punk, New Wave and Goth.  It seems like for a lot of us, "We're not our father's middle-aged person anymore."  What's a middle-age person supposed to act like???

Since I first came to Anxiety Zone in early October, despite the above self-absorbed whining, I feel I've gotten better.  The intensity and frequency of my "deep anxiety moments" have noticably lessened (though not entirely disappeared).  I have some hope that I may weather this inner storm.  I have more glimmers of optimism than I once did.  But it's a cautious optimism, and I must remain vigilant.  The road may still be rocky ahead.   

[tinam7]

There is little doubt I am the oldest person on this site. And I happen to love it. So that's why I am posting. First, I'm plenty vain too, was, and still am. From the neck down I am probably in better shape than many a young one. My hair is mostly a nice light, shiny brown with silvery streaks here and there. Eyes are a sparkly green.

True, there are lines on the face in contrast to those fake, bland, puffed up, distorted faces of others. The lines let everyone know that I have learned everything I wanted to know in life and am still learning. Am a big Know-It-All. Ask me anything and my imagination is better than ever. Above all, I don't give a hoot what anyone thinks. Only what I think counts. And as Muhammed Ali used to say, "I'm the Greatest." I hope you are smiling even if it creates smile lines. 

[jethro]

Thanks tinam.  Maybe in time I can have your optimistic outlook.  I'm working on it.

[Itzomi]

Wow, Jethro!  Some of what you said I can really relate to. 

I am 46, and I feel as though I've piddled away my life and youth.  I never made anything of myself (even though I was a mentally gifted student in school), because my lack of confidence and shyness kept me from sticking my neck out.  I sometimes envy young people also - not that I want to be young and growing up in this day and age, but I wish I could try again and see if I could have made a better go at my life. 

On the bright side, I have always been a content person/happy, except for periods of anxiety, and people see me as bubbly.  I'm not materialistic and not impressed by status, but at the same time I just wish my life wasn't so dull.  (But I don't have the motivation to do anything about it!)  I love going to estate sales because I love vintage items, but they're also kind of depressing - the people that have passed on often have gone on trips and seemed to have lived full lives from the things they left behind.  Me, I don't have a whole lot of memories - life's mostly been pretty humdrum.  And I ain't getting any younger or richer, so I don't see that changing anytime soon. 

My looks are starting to fade as well.  I was never hot stuff, but I wasn't ugly, either.  Been chubby most of my life, though nothing out of control. 

I do worry about aging.  I guess what I worry most about is...not having truly "lived."  I'm with a wonderful boyfriend so these days I do feel I've "lived" somewhat, but I still feel like I've squandered my best years.

[tinam7]

Am posting again to make clear I never mean to deny or diminish anyone else's feelings or thinking. It's just that mine are different and I'm given to hyperbole.

For me the grass is simply not greener anywhere: not in the past, not elsewhere in the world, not in my neighbor's yard. Have fortunately never been dazzled by all that is dangled before us, now more than ever. In my view well-being comes primarily from within and that we actually have some control over.

[GenSec]

I'm probably the youngest contributer here, but my interpretation of getting older if slightly different from others here.

I'm 26. However since my teens i've always liked the idea of looking older. Since my late teens i've worn collared and sleeved shirts like you'd wear in an office, and dress trousers. Don't like the look of jeans, never have. And when i look back on me teens, they were not happy years. In fact as i've gotten older i've got happier with life in many respects. As such... i look forward to age. And i don't look back on my youth with nostalgia. I don't wish to return to those years. I've gotten happier the older i've become. I feel more confident and settled with myself. The insecure youth i left behind is not missed.

I look about 10 years older than my actual age and secretly, i like that. People often think i am in my 30's. My hair is kinda 1980's in a side shade with a layered fringe. Not normal for a person of my generation. Also have a neat moustache. I love the idea of hitting my 40's and having grey streaks in my hair (that includes the moustache, lol), looking mature and distinguished! I want to grow to middle age! I wear glasses and yep, i choose slender metal frames that are the preferred choice of older generations. Yet, whereas during my youth i was slagged and sniggered at for my appearance, nowadays i get compliments for it.

There is an Argentinian actor called Federico Luppi, and he was in his late 60's when he starred in Del Torro films like 'The Devil's Backbone' and 'Cronos'. With his white hair and frequently sporting a moustache or beard, he looks so distinguished. I'd love to look smart like that at his age. But the difference is that he wears clothes that suit his appearance/age. And seriously, if i looked like him i'd have no problem with ageing. He has a wife about half his age!

And by the way... we live in a free country where we can wear whatever we like. Jethro, don't let the small minded and ignoramuses of this world get to you when they snigger or comment on your choice of attire. Its your business, not theirs. You didn't ask for their input. Just forget about them. With my choice of clothes i used to be commented in because i went for clothes considered old fashioned. So what? It never bothered me... and i certainly never let them influence my clothing decisions.

So... some of us want to be young again, and some of us wish to bring on the onset of age... pity we couldn't swap places, eh?

Best,
Gen.

[jethro]

I know from personal experience that this is easier said than done, but we need to stop looking in the past and stop thinking or worrying about the future and only think about what we're doing now and enjoy that time while we have it.

Thanks, jen.  Of course, you're right.  All the while I've been in this I've tried to work on all the projects and goals I always have, and that's helped, but when you're really deep in it, it's still hard.  But keeping up chipping away at putting it all in perspective does seem to be paying off.  I've had a pretty good day today.  (But as always, I'm really cautious when it comes to optimism.  I've had my fingers slammed in the piano-key cover enough to know not to get to cocky about recovery.

[jethro]

Thanks, Itzomi.  I guess it's not a nice thing to say  , but I'm glad there are a few others who can relate what I've been going through.
I'm a yardsale enthusiast myself.  In the Spring & Summer in Spokane and other towns, I ride around on my old bike  visit them.  I don't buy much, only things I like or can use.
I wouldn't quite say I was bubbly, but I usually project a pretty relaxed and positive front most of the time, even when I'm really down.  I wish I could say I was more content---that's the right way to be---but even when I'm not in one of these godawful one-every-3-to-5-years crises/depressions (which started in my teens), I'm often bored, restless, and apathetic.  For the past 5 maybe 10 years, it's been a struggle just enjoying anything.  (Again, I don't always show it.)  I'm a bit of a basket case.  My great challenge in life is just working on it as best I can.
Anyway, thanks for the kind words.