Loosing it & falling apart

[mroussa]

I seriously don't know how much more of this HA/depression I can handle. I am really tired of it. My job & marriage are suffering. I am in therapy & on meds but still here I am. Depressed. Sad. On the verge of tears all day. Constantly checking myself. Everyday is a new worry about my health.

Any words of encouragement? I upped my dose of Zoloft from 125 to 150 mg last night & I think it's messed me up somehow. I have been foggy & out of sorts all day.

 

[kindablue]

My girlfriend gave me a very interesting tip when I was in the height of my HA.  She said:  as hard as it will be, just pretend that you're a healthy person for just one week.  Unless your face is falling off, just assume whatever you're going through is normal, just for a week.  Then you can go back to Googling and posting on forums. 

My big thing was examining and being very conscious of my bowel movements every day.  I'm sure you have similar things that you "check."  She told me to flush before I even stand up from the toilet and walk away.  Most of my IBS problems went away after that, I swear. 

Of course, new symptoms popped up since then and I fell back into it, but I always will remember that week as one that was worry-free and (fairly) symptom free, too.

[mroussa]

I do the same thing with my BM's! Earlier today I caught myself examining it & stood up & thought "This is NUTS!!".

I feel like I am 2 people: 1 is common-sense & the other is that nagging "what if" voice.

I started my period 6 days early (Monday) & was not supposed to start until tomorrow, so I am at work PRAYING that I don't start my period tomorrow....bc if I do then that means something is wrong.

WTF.

I want to crawl into a hole.

[floridaguy65]

Hi M:) Spend some time and read the many uplifting posts about feeling better and thinking better. There are many. HA is not a medical condition...it is a mental health issue. It sure makes us feel and think we are dying, though, at times. But, we don't die...we don't:)

A great way to start to try to break some of the cycle of habits which roll us into fear and panic is to try to stop something. It's hard, of course...but we should try. The idea of flushing BMs before even getting up is a terrific idea. I did this way back when. I was a chronic poop checker...don't know what I was really looking for, but I remember getting freaked out when I would notice something 'unusual'. Unusual to us anxiety peeps is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different than what is 'unusual' to a trained med Doc. HA and OCD are wrapped up together a little bit. So we feel compelled to check our poops for fear of something going wrong if we don't check. All it does is increase the hold of the chains of anxiety that bind us. To move down our healing paths, we must break cycles of actions and habits that are counterproductive. Again, this can be harder than HELL! I know. Just think about what these habits have done for you, to date. Nothing...squat. Our 'foggy' minds, spurred on by our anxiety sure thinks otherwise, though. Anxiety has convinced us that we are doing appropriate things to 'safeguard' us from impending doom or death.  Not true. But, don't beat yourself up, at all, for having these thoughts, these intrusive thoughts. They are part of our trials, for sure:) They do alleviate in their power as we move down our healing path....but they don't really dissapear completely. But that's OK, too:)

Peace and Feel Well:)

[hamsterswheel]

Hi Mourssa

I could have written your post. I feel exactly the same right now. Just in total dispair, not knowing where to turn from this. I am so down with the worrying.

Today at work I was making a coffee and popped into the loo to wash my hands and as I washed them I was about to look in the mirror to 'check' the whites of my eyes. And then I suddenly said 'no chance I can't be bothered with this bs'! I turned and walked away from the mirror without looking! And do you know something it felt good.

Unfortunately the rest of the day involved checking and observing colleagues 'eye', whether they seemed breathless upon coming up the stairs etc, etc!!

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. But like you, I need to do something as I am falling to bits.