New here and SCARED!!!

[KatieBurgh]

I've been suffering with hypchondria since i was a small child. My mother works in a hospital lab, so anytime i had a question about a disease or illness she was my own personal Merck Manual. When i was younger i would watch 20/20 for lack of anything better to watch and ABC was the only channel we picked up. They had a special report every week. I was 8 years old thinking i was gonna have a heart attack in my sleep. I stepped on a piece of glass when i was 10 in my aunts back yard and thought I had contracted HIV.

Let's fast forward to the age of 17...last year of highschool, i had just graduated. I"m a nervous wreck...CONVINCED i had cancer. First it was brain cancer cause i had a headache and thought i was having dizzy spells and lightheadedness. I then thought i had Lymphoma after spending numerous hours online researching every kind of cancer known to man...i felt a lump in my right armpit. Went to my GP she said it was nothing, but to ease my mind i could go and get testing on it. That calmed me down for a minute...

Now, my hypochondria was nearly non-existent for about 3 years. THANK GOD!!! Well, just recently within the past three or four months, it's back. i've been stressed with going back to school and my job and stuff. It seems when i'm stressed my hypochondria is at it's worst. I go through bouts of "you're fine katie!! Quit being so ridiculous!" I don't tell anyone about this becuase people tell me it's nothing, easy to say...hard to believe. I hope it's nothing, i pray it's nothing. Actually, i want nothing more than it to not be anything!

Present day, i'm scared to death all day long im' dying of something. I think my spleen is swollen because it feels like it's pressing against my ribcage and i have a feeling of fullness. I've felt for my spleen there's nothing there...the lump in armpit is still there and it's the same size as it was when i was 17 but, i'm convinced it's still something else...Within in the past 3-4 months i have exhibited signs of...Ovarian Cancer, lymphoma, throat cancer, brain tumor, and i'm sure there's other i'm forgetting. Now, mind you, the only symptoms i possess is the occassional headache or cramps, or a lump hear or there. No weight loss, feeling sick, abnormal bleeding, or anything associated with cancer. But, to no avail i wake up thikning about it, i go to bed thinking about it...it's ALL i think about.

It's tearing me up, i unfortunately do not have health insurance, i'm elgible for state funded health insurance but the waiting list is a little over a year...I won't get it until next year sometime. Do i have to live like this for a year!? I hope not cause if nothing is wrong with me. The worrying itself is gonna kill me!!

I'm so glad i've found this site. I'm realyl enjoying reading everyone stories. It's nice to know that even though this is something horrible to cope with...i'm not alone.

Katie

[tanya]

hi there
i hear what youare saying. i too fear everytrhing. but i think medical testing feeds anxiety. i think we need to learn to accept that as we age things are going to hurt from time to time. look at little kids they have growing pains. my sons 9,8 and four are always complaining of sore legs or tummies.it is growing pains and i reassure them. however if it was me with those pains i would be convinced it wascancer. so in short i ask myself why cant i give myself the same reassurance i give them and the answert is - i dont trust my own judgement and i have no self esteem. i think that if i could learn to trust and love myself then everything else will work out. how i do this i dont know ( if anyone knows please say ). you are not alone in these thoughts taking all your time as i too am always thinking about it to the point i scare myself.
take care and learn to trust yourself
tanya

[KatieBurgh]

thanks for the reply tanya...much appreciated advice! I'll be the first to admit then when life has it's BIG uncertainties or i'm gonna be delving into something i know nothing about...or taking on a task like going back to school my hypochondria flairs...

I've never been diagnosed with it but i have a feeling that's exactly what it is, i'm hoping in a few months when i'm in the swing of school and it's going good my symptoms will subside...until the next time. Ya know?

Again, like you had said i'll just have to trust myself. Easier said than done, i'm sure you know that. ;) I'll try that's all i can do. Thanks again for the advice. Katie

[nikolasa]

Kia ora Katie - I so feel for you, your story sounds so similar to mine in many ways (as I'm sure it does to others).

I've been anxiety free for over 3 1/2 years and was feeling so strong and empowered. Of course it took me a year of an SSRI to get myself sorted.  It all started 3 weeks ago when my husband lost his job (after we had given up everything to move from where we were living to where we are now). My symptoms are tingling, numbness and feelings of being "hyperaware" of my left arm (a symptom which I had in the past). Along with other "awarenesses" of aches and pains. To add to it all, I've just come down with a VERY sore throat (i.e. it hurts to drink water) and of course am thinking that is somehow connected to my arm and overall feeling of unwellness  -

I too am terrified of dying... gawd I feel your pain and fear.
Kindest most sincere regards,
Nikolasa

[KatieBurgh]

Isn't it horrible when you think you're finally rid of this mental catastrophe...only for it to sneak back into your life. My heart goes out to every person who has posted, and for those of you haven't posted. You're here for the same reason we all are.

i know exactly what you mean by being overly aware of your symptoms, it's usually a main focus on one. IE: the sore throat, lump in throat, pain in arm. For me right now, it's any little lump i might find, like i'm convinced my spleen has swollen so i'll lie on my bed for a good hour poking around on my upper abdomen and chest feeling for what is nothing, and i feel nothing but then i sit up and i'll be doing osmething and i'll have the feeling of fullness or i'll start to think my upper abdomen is feeling a little tight...so i'm at it again. Now mind you, i'm overweight...so it might just be fat or something. But it consumes a good part of my day.

I got through this day in and day out, where i freak out and get terrified of dying...it's to the point where i'll picutre myself in a hospital bed and i'll get so scared that i'll start to shake or cry...then i'm like "YOU"RE OVER REACTING!!!" and i'll calm down until something else is there.

As scared as i am of ever having anything...this is almost as bad. For anyone thta may think that hypochondria is just someone  over reacting...tell them to live with it for one day. They'll change their tune....

I empathize with all of you, and i'm so glad i've been (in an odd way) lucky enough to find this site. Battling hypochondria is horrible to do on your own. It's a personal hell, i know. So, for all of us to have another shoulder to lean on is a blessing. Thank you all for your time and your kind words. I really look forward to getting to know some of you...

~Katie