Am I abusive?

[Bryan101]

Hi All.

This is perhaps one of my most difficult posts because I really have no clarity on this issue. I have a problem with anger. I have never hit a woman but I feel like I do not know how to deal with conflict. I haven't got a clue how to resolve fights in my relationship. I used to just shout down my previous Girl Friends and make them feel very little but I have stopped that. I no longer belittle people or make them feel like crap. However, I have not learnt how to deal with conflict. My Girl Friend kicked me out her car this morning after I asked her to please take me seriously. I never raised my voice at her but after she said, "Get out Bryan." I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to say, I simply got out the car and went inside. I don't want to raise my voice to get a point across but I simply do not know how to deal with conflict. I am trying to create a new person, a good person, somebody I can be proud of. I quit drinking, I overcame chronic anxiety but now I feel like my anger issue is becoming a real problem.

I really need some help on this. Does anybody feel the same way? Can anybody help me on this?

[Cuchculan]

I don't exactly see where the abuse is at all. You simply walked away from the situation. That is not abusive at all. That is avoiding conflict. It is the right thing to do. Now the only problem we have is that you have a girlfriend who is probably not talking to you right now. There had to have been a good reason why you imagined she was not taken you serious? This seems to have offended her. Maybe she thought there was nothing wrong with the relationship at all. All of a sudden you are accusing her of something. She gets angry. In a relationship you have to learn to be able to sit down with your partener and be able to talk over things. With neither side given out. Both having their say. With the other person listening. It is the only way to resolve issues. Something you are going to have to try out. Or else you may keep having the same kind of problems over and over. Simply called talk time. To explore the relationship. Where it is at. Are both people happy. If not, why. You give. You take. You listen. You talk. No outbursts allowed. Just my own opinion.

[Bryan101]

I suppose you are right. I am not acting abusively towards her but at the same time I am not doing myself any justice by letting her walk all over me. I understand that there are moments when we need to sit down and resolve our issues. The other day, I sat her down and asked her to please take me seriously. During our "sit down" she normally would bring up the past. Things like, "You know I only do that because of what you did"

I am tired of the past. I want to be something new, something better and she just hammers me for almost everything I do. Breaking up with her will get me nowhere but the more we argue, the more respect I lose for myself as I am continuously reminded of my wrong doings. Perhaps I have a low self esteem, I don't know but right now I just want to be taken seriously. 
 

[anxiouskathie]

Bryan,

In my opinion, if you apologized to her regarding your past, then it's up to her to find a way to forgive you and to move on.  If she continues to bring up the past, then neither of you will be allowed to move forward.  You need to try to find a way to explain to her that you are working on fixing some issues that you've had and that you need her support with this.  If she truly love you, she will try and support you as you try to change.  If she doesn't support you and keeps throwing the past in your face, simply tell her the two of you may need a break as you continue to seek help for yourself and past issues.  It seems to me that you did do the right thing earlier and walk away and for that you do need to give yourself a pat on the back!

[Cuchculan]

I was going to say similar to Kath. That your girlfriend is still living in a past that you have moved on from. She still has a lack of trust from your past. If she can't move forward then she might not be worth being around as she might just bring you back down to a level you have fought to get by. The girl seems the type who will always use the past as a sort of emotional blackmail against you. If it gets too much it may be best stepping back from the relationship. To save yourself. Because you are doing a good job as it is. It is her who is in the wrong.

[Bryan101]

Thank you for all the advice guys :D
Feeling alot better about the whole thing :)