GF broke up over mental issues, trying to move on

[RustyKnight]

I figured it would be a good idea to write down all my experiences and feelings and attempts to recover from my break-up earlier this year.

First some details:
 - I'm a 28 year old strait male
 - The ex is a 22 year old bisexual female
 - 3 year old relationship ended early august 2011
 - Cause of break-up: GF feels guilty over making me move to her country and specific phobias that delay and hold back our relationship, after seeing me chat with another girl who lived in my country she felt she wasnt special and broke up.
 - She really wanted to stay friends as it meant a lot to her. The thought of losing me as a friend made her near suicidal at one point. Unknown how strong her wish for this still is.
 - Post break-up i spent about 2 months actively trying to get her back and about a month LC.
 - 3 months post break-up she started dating a girl.
 - 1 or 2 weeks after she started dating this girl she told me about it, this was the 9 october 2011. (last sunday at the time of writing this)
- During the talk where she announced she was dating someone, i asked her if she still loved me and she confirmed this and that she still had romantic/sexual interest in me.
- I told her that i couldnt be friends with her now that she's dating someone else, especially if she says things like not remembering if she and her new GF may or may not have had a threesome with a random guy when they were extremely drunk a few days ago. Granted she was "possibly"drunk again when she told me this info and was too dumb to realise what it would feel to me.
 - At the end of the conversation i told her i hope she will want to try again with me some day but that if she goes down this path she'll lose me completely.
 - Yes i still want her back, but going NC and trying to tell myself it isnt going to happen.
- NC started 9 october 2011.

9 october 2011 - 14 october 2011
Now then, i went NC from that moment on. I realised i didnt explicitely say she wasnt allowed to contact me, oops, but she does respect my need for distance it seems as she hasnt attempted to contact me since then. Of course this is probably helped by the fact that she's extremely busy with her uni courses and probably also her new girlfriend. And she probably hasnt gotten the chance to miss me yet and feel the effect of losing me not just as a BF but also as a friend. In hindsight, which is always 20/20, i should have gone NC far sooner than when she started dating another.

 I'm having a tough time this week, actually it's been worse than the week following the break-up. I find myself wondering if i am special and if she misses me or will miss me. At first it looked as though maybe this girl she's dating is a fling and not a long term option for her, but appearantly she's a very nice sweet girl like my ex-GF herself so it might work out between them. Though my ex-GF can be a handful and this new GF of hers she described as "doesnt take crap from anyone", so i see some possibly problems there for them.

 Today thoughts of maybe being friends with her surfaced, though i know that the coming months that will be impossible, especially if she slips and say something like "owh, got to go now, my GF is waiting". I've been there, done that, with a previous girl i was in love with.

 Every day this week i cried atleast once, about 5 minutes or so at a time. Cried more often than i had in 5 years before that, makes me feel weak. But i also know it's because of how strong the feelings still are and how happy and blessed and lucky i felt to have her when i did.

Oddly enough, yesterday me and a mutual friend were discussing how she changed a lot. And i actually thought to myself "if i met her for the first time now, would i fall as deeply as i did 3,5 years ago?" answer is: no, she was 18 back then and a really bouncy-happy girl, now she's 22 and more mature but also more serious and less lovely.

As for moving on, heh, when i started dating her i thought she was out of my league when it came to her looks, absolutely stunning body and curves, she'd make porn stars jealous with both her looks and "skills". Now i look at myself and realise that the chance of me getting a girl of the same physical caliber is going to be extremely unlikely. My ex-GF thought i was sexy even though i was chubby and hairy and short, she loved it because it felt nicer to cuddle me. Every other girl seems to prefer the stereotype spartan body from the movie 300 though.

On the emotional/personality side, i currently find it unlikely that i will find someone as friendly, compassionate and lovely as she was 3 years ago. Typing this i realise i said 3 years ago, not 3 months ago. It's kinda hard to tell, it seems that when she interacts with "new people" she still has a lot of loveliness remaining as everyone in her class and circle of friends seem to adore her. But me and a mutual friend of ours agree she has changed her attitude and seems to be less interested in talking to either of us the past year if it wasnt a subject she liked and kinda fickle with her attention giving.

 She can be extremely jealous though, and me and our friend noticed that if our friend, who is bad at talking to women and spent loads of attention on my ex-GF the past 2 years, starts talking to other women my ex-GF would feel passed up. We thought it would be quite possible that my ex-GF would be very jealous and miss me loads if i were to become friends with her but spend time with other girls.

I'm also very sure that if i had started dating another girl before she started dating another, she would be in the same heartbroken state as i have been in the past week. Though since she broke up with me to "let me go" and be with someone that she feels isnt "holding me back" it's perhaps more likely she will just say "see, told you you could easily replace me and be with someone better", but on the inside she'd likely be hurt and jealous because out of the 30+ people she dated regularly, she loved me the most and our relationship lasted 3 years insted of the 9 months of her 2nd longest one, and i think that would make me special to her even now.

 Owh, yesterday the NC almost got broken, she was online talking to our mutual friend and he checked if she was drunk when she told me about not remembering if she had a threesome last week or not. She appearantly was in an angry mood because people were asking her questions why she broke up with me etc to which she appearantly replied "I told him 500 times already! I'm not going to say it again. It doesnt matter, im dating someone else now".
Appearantly she thinks i sent someone to ask her about it, but i never did, i already knew why she broke up. I almost wanted to readd her to 0276 to tell her that i didnt send anyone to bother her. But my friend told me she already threatened to block anyone who didnt leave her alone about it so i decided not to.

I asked my friends to not poke or prod her for info regarding me unless i ask them to, which ill likely not do anyway. I also asked them to atleast keep me informed if she asks about me or says something about me. Because i'm kinda curious if she is angry at me for how much i tried to hold on to her after the break-up, or if she will miss me and wants me as a (boy)friend, or if she simply doesnt care about me anymore dispite her confession last week that she still loved me and was sexually/romantically interested in me.
The break-up was kinda messy because of all the guilt and bad feelings and heavy emotions. I personally would be very happy if she and i could have atleast a very 0760 to clear the air, promise to remember each other fondly, and understand she currently cannot be my GF and i currently cannot be her friend, and that we do hate each other for those facts. I think she will likely not (yet) want to talk with me in this fashion though, knowing her she might even resent me for not being able to be the friend she wanted me to be, she sadly can be difficult like that.
Perhaps in time when i'm more stable and she has had a chance to miss me we can have such a talk, though being in regular contact with her would be bad for me if i havent found a way to properly get over her and find someone else to put my feelings and interests into.