A Christian Recovery Story. My battle with OCD.

[Bryan101]

This is my story of recovery and the events that have taken place in my life since the 24h of July 2011.


It all began that Sunday morning. I woke up dazed and dizzy in my room following a heavy night of drinking. I was still drunk from the previous night and as I stumbled into the kitchen, I noticed my housemates prepping themselves to go to the pub to watch the weekend rugby. I vigorously peeled an orange and took a bite from it. The orange tasted exactly the way it was meant to taste, sweet and delicious. I was oblivious to the fact that, the simple orange I had just ate would be the last thing I would enjoy for a very long time.

Arriving at the Rat & Parrot PUB, I ordered a Castle Draught and sat myself upon a wooden stool facing a widescreen TV. The game was a blur from the start to the end. I can recall nothing about what happened. When the final whistle blew, I noticed that my glass was still full of beer. I gave my drink away effortlessly as I felt no desire to finish it.

We walked outside to the beer garden and I sat myself down opposite one of my house mates. It was in that moment that i started to realize that something was drastically different. I began to drift in and out of awareness, the tips of my fingers began to tingle and I felt like I could not breathe. It was like somebody had removed all oxygen from the air around me and I was breathing pure carbon dioxide. I remember desperately complaining to my housemates that something was wrong but none of them understood my dilemma. Urgently, I rushed out of the pub and felt my heart rate pick up. My surroundings became warped as I began to experience tunnel vision. In my mind, all I could think about was: I am going to die. I found myself at my girl friends flat, lying in her bed, tossing and turning in agony. I was completely confused and frightened. I could not control my thoughts and I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness.

In the nights that would follow, I recall sleeping the sum total of about 30 minutes. I would lay awake, distraught with feelings of fear and paranoia. I felt like my mind was slowly slipping away and I became overwhelmed by my fears. I was on constant "red alert" and my adrenalin felt like it was being switched on and off by something out of my control. I was constantly fearful that I would take my own life or harm another. The morning following my fourth night of zero sleep was the most terrible experience of my short life. I was on the brink of giving up and abandoning all hope of being normal again. I called my mother out of desperation, asking her for help. I told her that I was contemplating *****. I remember her words very clearly.

"Bryan, you have two options here. You choose life or you choose death. It is your choice"

That was the turning point in my life. I chose life and in doing so, I chose God. I made the decision to give up drinking and begin a new journey. My recovery was slow and painful but there was not a single day that went by that I did not do something to help improve my condition. I began to Gym heavily. Every single day, I would be on a treadmill or pushing weights. Within a few weeks my weight had dropped from 86kg's to 75kg's. I refused to miss a single lecture at university and irrespective of the terrible thoughts that were racing through my mind, I managed to attain 100% in a Mathematics paper, a feat I had never before accomplished. However, slowly but surely my thoughts became more disturbing, the more I fought them or sought to understand them, the more ruthless they became. At this point, I could not taste food nor feel one moment of relaxation.

My mind and body were locked in a constant state of extreme distress irrespective of my change in lifestyle. I would go the entire day feeling terrified until my mind would simply crash from exhaustion and I would be locked in a state of dark depression. The kind of depression whereby you literally feel dead to the world.

Gradually, I managed to fight off the depression and as I slowly came about, my mindset would shift back into "red alert" and so the vicious cycle would repeat itself. My obsessions had completely taken a hold of my life and I was spiraling downwards and fast.

 My first sense of comfort came in reading psalm 91. I read and repeated that psalm constantly as an effort to deal with my chronic symptoms of anxiety. It became my only weapon against the onslaught of these painful fears. I was completely uncertain about my future and I felt detached from the world. I began rebelling against everything that was my old lifestyle. I refused to sit down and play computer games as they only made my anxiety worse. I stopped drinking caffeine drinks and eating fast food. Having removed all these things from my life, I was left with this gigantic hole of emptiness. I found myself frequently walking from one place to another completely consumed by my thoughts. There were times that I was completely convinced that I was psychotic or had bi-polar disorder. I also had fears of being an alcoholic or that my destructive lifestyle had awoken some form of dormant schizophrenia. The fears were so vivid and real that they had manifested themselves physically. My obsessions had lead to me to believe that I was actually experiencing symptoms of alcoholic withdrawal, to the point where I would experience "false cravings" or "shakes" during the night. Then came 2 Tim 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

Slowly, I began to realize that the Devil had been using my fear as a weapon against me. The moment I stopped fearing alcoholic relapse, my "false cravings" and "withdrawal symptoms" would disappear. This was a momentous moment for me and I began reading more and more scripture to help me deal with my fears. I eliminated them one by one. Looking back on where I was 3 months ago as opposed to where I am now,there has been a massive improvement -without the use of antidepressants or anti psychotics. I owe it all to the people I love and to Jesus Christ. My Journey is far from over but I feel like my recovery is picking up momentum. I look forward to what lies ahead.

I started a blog sharing this story and a few other ones. Check it out -> http://bloggingbryan.blogspot.com/

[marzz58]

Good for you Bryan!

I am a christian and find peace in God (i try to anyway, sometimes i feel distant to Him), I also take antidepressants and therapy for my ocd...

Thanks for sharing your story and good luck with it all!