Having trouble with fear of going insane..

[musicsarang]

I have really bad pure-o ocd, and recently it's been kicking my butt. But recently, I've been getting really afraid of psychosis. It started when I wanted reassurance, so I found one of those online "mental health quiz" things. I took that quiz, expecting to see my normal "OCD" or "GAD" or something like that pop up. But instead, it said I had bipolar disorder. I had never been diagnosed with it before, and I thought the diagnosis was faulty (because I believe that this was a "just for fun" quiz on a website that has those quizzes you can take for fun... and a lot of the answers didn't apply to me, but it didn't have an option for "does not apply" so I just selected the closest one. Like, one question was like "You are most likely to; 1) lie, 2) cheat, 3) steal" and I picked lie, because literally everyone lies at least once in their lifetime, even if just little white lies.) But it didn't matter. After that, I just assumed maybe I actually had OCD. I started thinking back to happier, more successful times of my life thinking "OMG, was I just manic, then?", because right now, I'm more in a depression than I had been before. I wasn't comforted until I looked back on old blog posts I'd made from the "happier" times in my life, and saw that, even though I was happier than now, and more successful because of less anxiety, I still had times where I was extremely depressed and anxious. I'm not sure how I got back into the rut I'm in now, but ... I guess that's why I'm here.

Anyway, OCD is mean, and it seems like once you get over one thing, the next thing comes. The whole reason I was looking this stuff up is because my mom is sort of ... mean? Like, she'll do or say something to me, then when I say she did, she claims she never did or said it, and that I lie or invent stories in my head. I'm pretty sure I'm not making these events up, but it still scares me, and makes me think maybe, just maybe I am crazy...

So, once I got over the bipolar thing, because I don't seem to get manic (and I still sometimes get the fear that I'm bipolar, like if I get too jittery, or talkative or whatever, but I think that's anxiety, too, because it feels awkward, and not like confidence, like mania should feel.), I started getting the fear that I am schizophrenic, or going schizophrenic. I've heard, and been told that I would've probably already shown signs of schizophrenia, but I'm 23, which is scary because I know schizophrenia come on during the late teens and early 20s. Again, I make the mistake of using google... This time, it wasn't to look up schizophrenia symptoms, but another fear, sleep paralysis. And I read this story that a guy wrote about his girlfriend going insane after having sleep paralysis with hallucinations. I have never had sleep paralysis, but I keep fearing that I will have it. And now, I'm afraid that if I have it, I will have a psychotic break, like that girl.

There is no bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or even sleep paralysis in my family history. I have a grandmother who was very reserved and soft spoken, perhaps due to undiagnosed anxiety, and my father exhibits symptoms of OCD. Other than that, we don't seem to have any serious mental illness in our family.

I just want to stop being so fearful. Help? Thanks in advance.

[musicsarang]

It would be really nice to have someone answer my posts. 

Is it too much words or something? Should I write a tl;dr?

[Bryan101]

I know exactly what you are going through. I would fear that I have schizophrenia or that I was experiencing symptoms of it. The worst thing I did was attempt to Google my symptoms. The trouble with this obsession we share is it's ability to manifest itself in us mentally. After reading the symptoms of schizophrenia, my mind started obsessing over them and then naturally the more I obsessed and meditated over those symptoms, the more real they became. Please understand that your fears are what fuels your obsessions. Start focusing on eliminating fear from your life. It is easy once you figure it out. Please read my blog http://bloggingbryan.blogspot.com/. There is a post about fear that may be relevant to you.

[Tag4575]

Wow, I cannot believe I am reading this... This sounds like an exact replica of my life right now. I am in the same rut that you are in at this very moment. Let me tell you, you are experiencing something that millions of others expereince. Even though it does feel like your alone. I have OCD, mostly pure-o but I am cumpulsive at times... I also have GAD and depression, Im on Lexapro and in intensive therapy. I have balanced my life out enough so that I am able to get through each day somewhat peacefully. However the intrusive thoughts also kick my butt. At first it was fear about my health, I even ended up in the emergency room because I thought I was dying. I was fine. I then had a complete head to toe physical from my doctor and I passed with flying colors. After I got that off my chest I started fearing that I was going insane. Still am to this day. I have intrusive thoughts along the lines of : is the world real? Am I the only one who feels this way? What if This isnt real and im just not real? Etc... Its scary but I have to tell myself that it is my OCD that is causing it. And I will tell you right now that I have experienced sleep parlasis twice in my life. It's scary, but I came out of it fine and im still fine. It happened very badly when I was having a sleep study done because the doc could not figure out why I couldnt sleep. Sometimes I stayed up for 48-60 hours straight. Don't let it scare you, because you will be just fine.

[robertp129]

I am a anxiety sufferer of more than 25 years.  I am 59 years old. I have experienced all of the what I would call normal intrusive thoughts that send us all reeling.  I have wrestled with all of the fear of going insane, what's reality, sexual stuff, violence, the whole thing.  Yes, we all have great imaginations don't we? None of us have control over what the mind spews out and it is a master at spewing anything and everything. When it hits a weak spot, we react and start judging ourselves as though we are doing this all on purpose.  Hardly.  However, we are not our thoughts. We are far more than that. 
Some solutions.  Drop the idea that you are insane or going insane.  This is a classic part of anxiety and people with true psychotic problems do not recognize it. Everyone with anxiety questions their sanity.  Are you questioning it?  Good, it means your sane. 
What to do with intrusive upsetting thoughts? Here is one thing that works and I have done it myself more than once.  It is not easy, but it works. Rather than push away at the problem thought, do the opposite.  Pull it in.  Befriend it.  This will be difficult to start with and will cause some temporary anxiety. Change your relationship to it. Now the really hard part. Go ahead and use that super imagination you have to play out this nasty thought. I know this is counter intuitive, but as you know pushing it away does not work. Go ahead and write down the thought, play out the scenario either in your head or on paper. (I think paper works best) Use details. Yes, this is hard because it is not what you want, but you are fooling the anxiety. Yes, the first time you do this will be really hard. But here is the thing. The second and third and fourth time you run through whatever disgusting scenario you come up with, your mind begins to lose interest. if you think about it, there is a logic here.  Sometimes I will just sit with a thought and let it have at me. Go ahead and bring up all the scary issues and just let it run amok. You are taking away its power. Now suddenly, you have just experienced truly being in control.  It is amazing how fast the mind will drop something if you are not afraid of it.  Good luck all

[TheOnlyChelInTheSea]

I was diagnosed with bpd when I was 16. I'm almost 23 now. When it first 'hit' it was scary...uncontrollable hyperactivity followed by planning my 0119. I was on pills for two years then quit cold turkey when I moved to a new state. No more insurance. I had a really tough time for about a year. I now control the bipolar really well. I would compulsively spend money and now that I have grown a bit, I have gotten better. I can usually talk myself out of the depression and the mania is kind of fun. Plus it's no longer intense. Even if you ARE bipolar it isn't the scariest 'disease' to have. Most people ate shocked when I tell them about it. Once you accept that you are NOT crazy, you learn to care for yourself and find ways to control it. As for sleep paralysis, I get that quite a bit. I have never hallucinated, and it is kind of weird....but it can't be that bad. People practice lucid dreaming for fun and it's pretty similar. Don't be scared. You aren't going to go crazy. You can rationalize and think 'am I going crazy' therefore you are not suffering from schizophrenia. Best of luck!