Just another story, words questions...?

[Bootcut]

Well I'm just hear to write my story. I am totally new to this site, and have only just joined. I have social anxiety disordor, depression and a fear of vomiting.

To be honest I am not to sure where to start. If I repeat myself or woffle I am very sorry. :)

Anyways : I am a 16 year old female I always thinkk when I say that people will think I am just passing of as having these things beause of my age, which I have been told may times and does not help me very much. But I have had all diognoses and so on.

Anyways I don't really know where it all started, but I know stress was a big factor, My sister has an eatting disorder this put alot of strain on me physically and mentalyy, watching my sister slowly kill herself was awful, knowing there was nothing I could do, my family sorta got tor apart by this it's hard to desciribe really, but I just know I hated every second of my life. I remember going on holiday for the last time as a family, our last day my sister fainted after the wait for her to wake up she was admited into a ED clinic. I love my sister and seeing what she went through litrally killed me, she waasn't so nice to me I would get told I was fat and useless. From then on I had a fear of fainting, I left school through being bullied and the situation. and had a year of school, I looked after my sister and my family. my sister then left the hospital after a 5 months stay. the fear of fainting got worse I tried t get on with my life a much as I could but most of the time I would stop going out, I became a recluse in my own home I never went out the fear of fainting was so intense and frightning.. I did have therapy but it did nothing they would tell me they would do something but never did, it took me almost a year to get over this fear and I did it, by myself. I seemed to get my life back on track after that I went back to school and get myself some GCSE's  got myself a job and into college this where truely turning around for me, I loved the confidence I had, family issues where still there but because I was happy with other things I blocked it out. Back home I had my times I was serverly unhappy and I hated it.. But  got through that.

Now here I am, again.
Social Anxiety Disorder, I think I know how it started but I'm never sure to be fair. I was on holiday and my dad left me to get something, in which a uy tried to drag me into a car, it was utterly terrifying, from that day it wont get out of my head it's like I relive that moment in my head over and over, I leave the house and I constantly feel like something or someone is watching me, waiting to drag me somewhere, it sounds so stupid, but I can't get over it, I haven't been out with my friends for almost 6 months, I can't I worry about the looks people give me, what they are thinking, I dunno if anyone else with SAD gets this but you can be fine one minute the next someone looks at you differently, and your head goes mad, like embaressed about everything you are doing just shame? I fear that I amm going red or I don't know doing something stupid even what I know I'm not? I fear thrwing up in public ever since I had a major anxiety attack on the middle of a bus I threw up everywhere the looks I got where so shamful, I made  mess and I felt guilty for just leaving, all the judging eyes, it was horible, that's where my fear of being sick started. I haven't left the house in at least 3 weeks, I'm losing my friends and everythinng I ever had.

I had my first day at college 3 weeks ago, I lasted a week then left I couldn't take it I felt like I didn't fit in I felt like a freak that didn't belong there and I was just better of not being there, lke other people would beinfit from me not being there. I want my career but I can't if I can't make it there. Ifelt sick every day going in.

It's ruling my life in every way possible I hate it, I am getting help but it isn't doing anything, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't feel like myself I've lost everything that meant something to me, I have no motivation at all. I have attempted 0119 before and I am not scared to again, I'm addicted to self harm. I have asked to be admitted and got refussed.

I dunno if anyone else ever thinks, just why? like why me, why do I deserve this? it doesn't seem fair the people that bullied me and probably paid a part in this go about there life like nothing in going on? how the guy that dragged me in his car is probably doing the same, while I'm here just feeling like I'm paying the price for everything, I want my life back, I am on my last line of strength and I have no idea.. Nobody understands it, this is why I am hoping someone will reply to this and just I dunno make me fee less alone it migh help to knw that there are other people out there to.. I hope I didn't moan r woffle to much ad that I make sense, it took alot of curage for me to just sign up and write this.

[JediSolo]

I'm actually a bit new here myself, even though I've been a member for a long time, I recently decided to come back. Anyway, I can relate to a lot of the things that you said. I too suffer from social anxiety disorder (and also OCD and depression) but my social anxiety is the worst right now. Like you, I fear being judged by others, because I have been treated not so well for being "different." Granted, I was just ignored by others because of the way I was, but it hurt because everyone around me had friends or, at the very least, someone to talk to, but not me.

I can definitely relate to lasting only a week at college. You did better than I did. I've never been to college, and I currently have no intentions of doing so, because my social anxiety is too strong. I never went to a real high school, and I only lasted four days in a public school. I was sick - mentally and physically - every day that I went to that school.

I used to engage in self-harm; I still do a bit, but nothing too drastic, because somewhere deep down I realize that I deserve to live and have a good life. I understand that not so pleasant things have happened to you in your past; I can definitely relate to that. You just have to find something to keep you going toward the future. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to motivate me, but once I have time to clear my head a bit, I remember things, even if they're just small, trivial things like a new movie coming out that I want to see. Just remember that you didn't choose to be this way (I don't think anyone does), and that you can get better and be confident and happy again if you put your mind to it!

[Bootcut]

Hey thank you for your reply.

I understand the school part I got moved to a hospital school during my last two years I had I think nearly a of school.

I hope your doing ok! xoxox

[anxiousmisery]

You are still young I'm pretty sure that you can get over it.  I have SAD. I never consulted a psychiatrist but I know that I have it because of the symptoms.  I avoid going to social gatherings. If you don't get over it, it will ruin your life. It will affect your relationship with your family and friends and it will certainly affect your career.  Until now I still avoid jobs that requires to do presentations or requires to attend meetings or leading people.  I'm pretty sure that I can do those things but I just can't deal with the anxiety I feel if I'm face with the situation.