Anxiety affecting relationship

[sullencuriosity]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. We're nowhere close to breaking up but we've had our hard times...He didn't understand my anxiety at first, though he has gotten better and more supportive. Sometimes I feel like he's my only light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I feel like my anxiety has to sabotage that. Often, I feel as though there's something wrong when there's not. I feel like things are so bad and he's going to break up with me. Or when we do have a fight, and it should be resolved, I just keep picking and picking because I feel like there's still something wrong. My counselor says that this is when I need to "self-soothe", but I'm awful at it. I hate picking at things and constantly asking if things are okay. If he lives with me, sleeps in my bed every night, tells me he loves me every day and we have date night at least once a week, I should be confident and comfortable 99.9% of the time. It's ridiculous! I sometimes hate myself for feeling uneasy, worried and even panicked about things involving him...

I need advice. Does anybody understand what I'm going through? I haven't met anyone who does...
I have some questions...How can I stop this? How do I make myself feel better, or is it just a matter of ignoring those feelings and then they go away? What can I do to stop this awful, awful cycle?

I'm sorry if I was going on, but I don't have anybody else to talk to about this kind of stuff. I hope somebody can help.

[Sammy3553]

I've been feeling the same way about my relationship. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have only been with my boyfriend for 5 months, and it has been difficult because I'm living at school and he is home. I only seem him weekends. I often feel like theres something wrong when there is not as well and I am constantly afraid that he is going to break up with me. He has assured me that he is in it for a long time and that he is here for me through the good and bad. When I'm with him, I feel fine. But once I'm back at school, he barely calls or texts me and I worry that he doesnt feel the same as he used to.

I guess I'm looking for the same advice... I've been told to give him space, but I'm not sure if that would do more harm than good. I think what I am going to do is try to act as if there is nothing wrong, and see if things go back to normal. Maybe you can try that too... Instead of talking to him, maybe write down your worries in a notebook. Then when you go to read them, they might seem silly to worry about and you'll feel better.

[Gigi123]

Sometimes I feel like he's my only light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I feel like my anxiety has to sabotage that. Often, I feel as though there's something wrong when there's not. I feel like things are so bad and he's going to break up with me.

I can tell by what you've said that you have a great deal of dependancy on this man. I understand because I was once in your shoes and at times I still am but I've come a LONG ways. As anxiety sufferers it's really easy to dwell on the negatives, in some ways if we dwell enough on the negative we don't have to be overly invested in a healthy and happy relationship because losing that would be so painful. I became VERY dependent on my boyfriend, what's odd is that I didn't even notice how dependent I had become when I was going through this. It was tough at first, but I spent more time alone on my own, we now see each other a few days a week and i've really successfully found myself again, I'm WAY more independent and that fear of losing him isn't as great as it once was.

"Self-soothing" takes lots and lots of practice, so didn't give up yet. When you're experiencing this, a fear of losing him or worrying about an argument, instead of focusing on him, focus on YOU. Eventually this will be an automatic. I do that now, if I get concerned or worried about something that's happened relationship wise, I immediately start thinking "how can I have some fun tonight?" "look how beautiful it is outside, I LOVE when is warm," ect.... Try and shift the focus on yourself and you'll quickly start thinking less about him and more about yourself and that will make you feel more in control. You can do it!