fear shrinks in the knowledge of shared experience

[daisies]

Hello friends!
I think I can call you that as I feel like I'm among friends.

My story is pretty much like anyone else's. One day, I started having terrible thoughts about being possessed/losing control/harming people. It sort of spiraled into a chronic problem where I was still managing to work, but I couldn't sleep for fear of losing control. So a year or so after that, I finally went to the Dr and got some meds (which I had been terribly afraid of taking, because I thought that they might lead me to...you guessed it! Lose control).

Anyway, the meds really helped (avanza) mostly because I would take that little pill, and then 5 seconds later I'd be fast asleep. Everything is worse without sleep, isn't it!? We played around with the dosage, slowly increasing up to 45mg, and finally the obsessive thinking stopped. It was fantastic. Only problem being that the avanza started to give me horrific nightmares, lucid dreams, and sleep paralysis. Not fun. So after about a year I dropped the dose back to half - the nightmares didn't go away, and the obsessive thinking came back. But now it was all of a violent nature (other people's violence, fear of the human capacity, fear of my own humanity). So - avanza was out - horrific thoughts night and day is just too much for one little duck to cope with! I tried luvox recently, but to no avail - it made me so nauseous and I didn't feel "good" on them. I'm now starting to take citramil, so we'll see how that goes.

Oh, and I didn't know that I was suffering from purely obsessional ocd until earlier this year. See, no one had diagnosed me (despite  the giving out of prescriptions - I think we all just called it anxiety). After a particularly bad bout in June, I finally googled my symptoms, the whole time thinking - if it says i'm a p*********, then i'll just have to deal with that and go and admit myself to an institution. It seems slightly ludicrous now, realising how many people out there that are like me, but at the time, it was pretty bloomin' scary. That's how I found this site. I was so relieved that I think I cried.

Anyway, that's my little blurb. I've recently tapped into some guilt over childhood memories, that I'm fairly sure this disease has amped up and blown out of all realistic proportion. False memories anyone? 

You all do a wonderful job of creating a lovely and supportive environment here. Occasionally I'll come on line and have a look through the posts, realise that I'm not alone and that other people are beating this, and then go about my day. I've never seen a post that looked judgemental, and I think it's really a testament to the type of people that suffer this disorder that you're all so lovely. The thing is, we wouldn't spend so much time worrying about the things we do if we didn't care so much I suppose.

[sixpack]

hi daisies

I"m so glad you took the plunge and joined up.  This is a lovely community.  Welcome aboard

[TaylorNAR]

Hi daisies,

This may seem like a stupid question, but you didn't mention it.  Have you identified the cause of your anxiety?  That might be the first step in feeling better - maybe you can remove the source of your anxiety. Also you didn't mention if you have been to therapy or not.  I would recommend seeing someone who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy CBT.  It really works.  Also no bad side effects!  Sometimes meds can make us feel worse.

Good luck!

[daisies]

Thanks sixpack! 

Hi Taylor,

Hmm, the cause of my anxiety... does purely obsessional ocd have a (only one?) cause?
I can think of various factors that contributed to my pure o, but there wasn't a single incident that got the ball rolling. Turns out mum and grandfather had the same thing.

I've seen three psychologists so far - haven't had much luck in that department. Still seeing the third one, but mostly of my healing has been self-managed. (Thank goodness for books!  )

[tigerpaw]

I know you will find lots of support here. Let me remind you you can access the Chat Room, after a minimum amount of posts and talk live to some of us here!  A great resource for you.

Also you can post your favorite picture in the Members Gallery.

Check out an introductory post on, "When you think no one understands ....read this."........Link: http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,9100.0.html

Lots to do here