Up and down - will it ever be better?

[distressed]

Hello.  I'm struggling as it seems so many of us are and any words of encouragement or support from someone who has been there would be greatly appreciated. 

I am currently going through my fourth period of anxiety and I just want to be free of it forever.  My anxiety is around insects (ants and book lice so far), it's not a phobia per-se, as I can let the ants run on my hands and that's OK, but I just can't stand seeing them in the house, I start to think that there will be more and more each time I come home or go into the kitchen.  Just seeing one in the house on the day I returned from holiday almost 4 weeks ago was enough to start me off and I am just wishing the summer away so I can have peace again.  I am not on medication at the moment (but have been on the three previous occasions) and have started some CBT (second time around) but I am so desperate not to have to live with this every summer.  After my first episode with the ants 4 years ago I also had 2 nasty episodes with Book Lice (flour mites) and I just couldn't get rid of them for months, this occurred twice.  I don't know if I have just been unlucky enough to have these two pests in my house and the bad experience with one has re-in forced the feeling around the other but I know it makes me miserable. 

I wish I could find someone out there who has felt like this but got better.  It makes me depressed and sometimes I get so low I just want to escape and end up thinking the blackest of thoughts.  I just can't stand having to go through this again and again; I just see the rest of my life clouded over by periods like this.  Life has no joy in it at the moment and although I can see relief coming in the autumn I just can't see it lasting, maybe it will be the book lice again this autumn or maybe some other new bug in the house to make me feel so awful, or next summer will come.  Will the CBT help do you think?  I have been for some CBT before but the previous Therapist didn't seem to quite understand and labelled it a phobia, also at the time I was not experiencing any pests in the house to have to deal with.  The new Therapist seems to get where I am coming from a bit more and I am not on medication now and have the problem in my house - I hope it all adds up to a more successful scenario for treating the anxiety.

[apple]

Keep doing what you are doing with cbt and your therapist.  You can conqure this!!

When I was 11 years old,  I had 5 big black beetles with long anntena's, fly into my black long curly hair.  My sister couldnt see them in my hair so couldnt get them out fast enough.  They were crawling around...ahhh.  After that I was TERRIFIED of any and all beetles not matter the size.  I would freak right out and scream and flail around running when I saw one never mind if it actually land on me. 

Anyhow..after many years I finally did some therapy over them.  I still freak when they land on me, altho I can brush them off...BUT the big thing is...now when I see them I can remain calm.  I can even kill them.  I can even pick them up with a kleenex.  Now thats BIG!

You can get to a point where you will think they will take over...then quickly dismiss that thought and just get rid of what you see and its over.  I believe you can.  Yu dont have to miss out on enjoying summer because of this.  You are doing the right things.   

[distressed]

Thanks.  I am so confused, I have done stuff that normal people would do to get rid of ants in their home, trying to "be normal" and take regular action which my and my CBT Therapist agreed was reasonable.  I haven't seen any for a couple of days now but this is what is confusing me...if I have got rid of them well then that feels great but I might be setting myself up for a fall in case it has just been a lull in activity, or if they have gone and my actions have worked then what do me and my CBT therapist have to work with now and what will it be like next summer???  I am going to keep going through the rest of my life struggling with this?  I hope not.

[ocdengineer]

This sounds less like a phobia and more like an obsession.  If it is a phobia then it is a very severe phobia and may require more than CBT to get through.  Since you are not on meds, have you considered taking them?  There are lots of options out there that will help you through these bouts.  You also mentioned black thoughts which is another characteristic of OCD.  Have you ever been diagnosed with anything other than the phobia?

Either or, the answer to your question is, yes it will get better!  No matter what the underlying issues is, it can and will get better.  I think you seriously need to find an anxiety disorder specialist and set up an appointment.  The phobia is at least causing anxiety if not full fledged panic attacks and that can be a sign of an anxiety disorder.

Keep doing the CBT though because it will help in the long run.  It is just another tool to have in your pocket when you need it.  Consider medication maybe in the short term depending on what the doctor says and have the CBT ready for use.

Good luck,
OE

[distressed]

I have been on meds before, Clomipramine first two occasions, Citalopram last time.  I have had some CBT previously, while I was taking meds but not experiencing any anxiety but then a few months later I had another bad period with the anxiety because I had book lice in my kitchen. 

This time I had already planned this CBT even though I wasn't feeling unwell at the time (stupid NHS can't give it you when you need it, waiting lists etc) and so I had come off the meds in the hope that I could be treated as the real me, giving it my best shot, but then I have become unwell again coinciding with the planned CBT. 

I have talked to the CBT Therapist and he doesn't think it a straightforward phobia because I can watch the insects outside or let them run on my hands and for most people I have talked to it is quite "normal" not to want these things to be in your house, most people want to get rid of them, but they take some action to do so and stop worrying about it, whereas I worry myself sick.  The last session was focussing on making a plan for how to deal with the ants when I find them, rather than hoping I won't find them, including as much detail in my head of what I will do, so that I am prepared.  He thinks it might be the control aspect that is my problem, I want to control my house and keep everything "right" and having these insects spoils that for me so I need to decided what is the "right" thing to do in advance.   I have only had three sessions with him so far and now his is on vacation for a couple of weeks. 

I think the darkest of thoughts come mainly when I am feeling so depressed by the situation and I just want to escape and not have to keep facing up to each day of life with my problem.

[ocdengineer]

I would ask your therapist to refer you to an anxiety disorder specialist.  I think they would be able to help you significantly.  I really think medication in the short term would help you a lot to work on practicing the CBT.

What is it about the bugs in your house that bothers you so much?  Is it the germs they may carry, or the idea of them getting into your food?  What is going through your mind when you think of these bugs which don't bother you outside of the house?

Just curious,
OE

[distressed]

Not worried about these being dirty, it is hard to define what it is that upsets me so much.  In discussion with my CBT chappie we think it is because I feel they "shouldn't be there" and that they are spoiling my house.  This is my first home, we have been working really hard to get it sorted as it was in a bit of a state when we moved in.  At my family home we never had any ants or bugs in the house.  We had mice for a while but that was when I was a really little girl and don't remember it well.  I do find being a home owner a bit of a strain at times, trying to care for everything and we think I might set my standards too high, that everything has to be perfect, so having bugs in the house spoils it being perfect.