i gotta get over this

[nlg4126]

Ok here's the scoop. I have a boyfriend who I adore. I have my daughter and he has two boys. My daughters father passed away many years ago, my boyfriends ex is still around, kind of. My issue is I am scared to death of him going back to her. Now he has told me himself that he can not stand her, actually he hates her, she has put him through so much crap that he has no use for her whatsoever, his mother has told me that he hates her as does she, her family who themselves can't stand her said that he hates her and no one wants anything to do with her, but at the end of the day they still have kids together. Now she can not stand me for whatever reason, I've never given her one, I don't know if its cause her own small children don't like her either and would rather spend time with me, I dunno but she is bent on making my life miserable, she sends my boyfriend text messages saying that she can love me better and tries to dangle the kids over his head. Everyone tells me that she doesn't want him she just hates seeing him happy and LOVES causing drama. Well she has succeeded in getting into my head and now I'm paranoud, ABSOLUTELY PARANOID, anytime he's at work and I KNOW he is but doesn't answer his phone I automatically start thinking that NO he's not not answering his phone cause hes busy he must have left work and he's with her or maybe he just pretended to go to work but he's spending the day with her, its driving me mad and I cant keep accusing him cause , Its just going to drive him away I know in my heart he won't have anything to do with her, she is just an evil manipulative drama queen and like I said she's in my head, the head where I already have stress and anxiety. I dont know how much more convincing I need, any suggestions.

[GreyAvatar]

Ouch : /  There's nothing worse than having to constantly feel worried about someone trying to take everything you love away from you.  My husbands ex sent him naughty emails and just generally tormented me for an entire year...  She sent me nasty email after nasty email the size of books.   I was afraid to say anything back but neutral/nice words because she was still close friends with his parents.  I adore them, and I didn't want them to hate me.   I finally got fed up and just snapped one day.  I sent her a subliminally nasty but still kinda nice email from his account (he gave me the pw for that purpose)that basically said, "I know what game you're playing, and honestly it's pretty childish."  She lost her MIND at me because I finally shoved back, like I was the worst thing in the world for it and all of her previous hateful, spiteful, nastiness never happened.  She blocked both of us from everything - 0409, email, IM.  His parents still like me.  No one missed her...

You might have to get in her face a little.  Show her who's boss.  She really does sound like a power hungry spiteful woman who just wants control of SOMETHING in his life, and sadly she's trying to make your emotions that thing.  I don't know how you should do it though (I wouldn't want any trouble to come of the whole kids situation).  Maybe talk to your boyfriend and tell him you're totally fed up with this woman, then ask him if he'll help you find a way to push back a little.  If nothing else, his help in the issue might put your mind at ease : )

This ex of his sounds like she doesn't have anything better to do with her time than try to make your lives as miserable as she's made her own... but what do you have?  A family that you love and it sounds like they love you too.  Don't let her bring your good vibes down, she's not worth it.

[hardcopy]

Hello, saw your distress call

Well I think your feelings have spawned from a completely normal feeling.  Sometimes paranoia is normal, but if it becomes obsessive, you can just grow out of it, but a whole year does seem like a lot of trouble for you.  I would hate to see you mentality exhausted.

I also have a fear of my boyfriend leaving me for a different reason, but the worst is if someone replaces you very quickly or at all.  With an ex that's even as worse. 

But in reality there are many signs to seeing if your SO is still attached to his ex, and from what it sounds like you're completely safe.  Sometimes these feelings can also fester from a type of low self-esteem.  Maybe some time in your life you were constantly compared to someone else or was bad at any competition; only you know.  But the good news is that if your boyfriend can respect your fear of this ex, then you are all set and just need to find some ways to let this worry die.  It also means that he accepts you for who you are and will WIN!

But seriously I agree with Avatar; if this really does bother and you felt like you haven't actually explained all the necessary feelings about this woman with him, I would say it do it in a non-confrontational way.  It is necessary to share the important elements of this worry with him so if the worry ever occurs, he understands you and can make a compromise even if he finds it out of the blue or unfair.  But either way I'm sure he will understand because i think everyone has that fear inside of them that someone will go back to who they were with instead of making a new future. 

If he really hates her as much as you say, I'm very sure you are fine.  As for the worry you just have to find some ways that are healthy and can help you disattach your habits from falling into a depressed worry that clings to you.

[nlg4126]

You guys are amazing, love and hugs all aroind. Ever find that you know in yourself that what you feel is Tue you just need an unbiased third party to cast a little of their light on things. I do have self esteem issues actually more so self confidence issues mainly because I'm afraid of failing so I never even try. She has absolutely nothing she flops at peoples houses til they grow tired of her , her own family which are some cousins and a half brother prefer me to her, she is estranged from her husband, she has nothing in her life except two amazing kids who she doesnt care for, and they return that favor its sad cause they ate only  rand 5 and they can't stand their own mother the only reason she wants them is for the child support and earned income credit she gets on her income taxes. I'm almost willing to tell her like you can get your child support and tax money just forget you have kids and stay out of our life