Intrusive Sexual Thoughts, I Hope. :[

[constantworrier1989]

Hi,

First of all, I am 21 years old and have never been worried about being attracted to children before this all started. When I was around 10 years old, I had serious issues with being unsure of my sexuality. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but my mom said that it lasted a long time and was pretty intense. (However I realized that I am straight and have had boyfriends since then and been completely happy in those relationships.) After reading about intrusive thoughts and OCD recently, I'm pretty sure that's what I was going through. Since then I've worried about other things such as being crazy and since I loved the Anne Rice vampire books, I was terrified that I wanted to suck people's blood. Those worries passed quickly though, and I don't remember being this worried about it.

 The whole pedophile thing started maybe a year ago when I was babysitting one of my sister's friend's daughter. I've never been very comfortable around kids, I guess because I didn't really grow up around kids younger than me, so I was kind of reluctant to do it in the first place. In the middle of it, I had the strangest urge to "do" something sexual. I didn't want to, but the idea just popped into my head. The thought horrified me, and of course I did NOT do anything. I felt guilty the rest of the night and whenever I think about it I still feel a pang of guilt. Then other things started to pop up. I realized that I like the molestation episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Like I actually wanted the bad things to happen. (I've come to the conclusion that that is just like a morbid curiosity type thing. I didn't get turned on when those things would happen, but I still wanted them to happen. I think its like when you're watching a scary movie and you want a character to get killed. I hope I'm right.) Then I would check to see if I was attracted to little girls, and it confused me so much. I was really anxious about this for maybe a month, but somehow I was able to dismiss the thoughts and forget about them for the most part.

But about 4 months ago, and I can't remember for the life of me what triggered it, I was worried about being attracted to little girls again. I would google "children at beach" and look at the pictures, trying to analyze whether or not I found them sexually attractive. Every time I reassured myself that while I thought they were pretty, I did not find them attractive in that way, I would doubt myself. It was like a voice in my head saying, "quit lying to yourself, you know you like it." It got to the point where I felt sick to my stomach constantly, I couldn't eat, and I was constantly sitting there trying to figure out whether or not I was a pedophile. I would go to work and make myself throw up so I could go home because I was so afraid I would see a little girl and get turned on. I would get horrible thoughts in my head like, "You know if you were alone with a kid, you would do something." But I would NEVER do that. I would rather 0473 than do something like that. I feel so disgusted with myself every time I think something like that and it makes me just want to end everything. I'm so afraid that I want to and I'm just not admitting it to myself.

About a month after I started worrying about this stuff again, my sister had a baby boy. This was a really stressful time in the first place because she had E clampsia (high blood pressure) and was in and out of the hospital, my parents were separated and my dad was living with us (I lived with my sister and her husband), so I was sleeping on the couch, and other everyday things that cause stress. I guess I get stressed REALLY easily. But one time I was changing him, I was so worried that I would like it if I did something. I didn't do anything weird to him, I just kind of put the cream along his buttcrack on purpose and analyzed how I felt. I instantly freaked out thinking I had molested him and called my mom and explained everything. She said she thinks I was just looking for a test to see if I liked it. I didn't like it sexually, I did not get turned on, but then I freaked out because I thought it was soft and it kind of felt nice (not sexually). She told me that it's just like noticing that someone's cheek is soft and liking how it felt. Is she right? I really hope so :[

The last month or so, since I've been reading about Pure O and intrusive thoughts, I've been able to calm myself down a little bit. I still have days when I break down crying and literally can't do anything. Everything I've read about OCD has happened to me, so that reassures me for a while, but the doubt just keeps cropping up. I know the doubt is a common symptom of OCD, but I keep thinking, "but what if what I'm going through is different?" I do have people who know about this and have been supportive and think that it's OCD as well. My mom is the main one, and I've told my boyfriend. They both assure me that its Just OCD, and my mom actually has it as well (not the same thoughts).

Another thing that confuses me is that I'm worried about being attracted to little girls, but I honestly don't have any interest to touch any girl parts besides my own. I have always been attracted to men.
Please help me, do you think this is OCD or am I a terrible person?

[constantworrier1989]

I also want to add that since the diaper thing happened I have had absolutely no desire to do it again because I felt so terrible and was so scared that I had done something horribly wrong, no matter what my boyfriend and mom have told me. My mom, who I have shared pretty much everything with my whole life, has told me that she knows I am not a pedophile. I never even thought about this stuff before, and I've always been attracted to men my own age or older. I keep getting the fear in my head that I suddenly became one and I'm jusst denying it, even though I know its totally irrational. Please give me your opinions! :/

[TiredMind]

I understand your pain and suffering. I also have OCD and I am constantly battling intrusive thoughts. Mine have taken many variations and while I've had a few sexual in nature, they're not constant and I can get rid of them. The type I struggle with are violent/aggresive in nature. I've never hurt anything or anyone ever, but I'm afraid one day I'll give in and act out. Deep down I know this is impossible, but just like you, the doubt is overwhelming.

Just remember that you are not alone, and you can beat this. Just take it one day at a time and do your best to take the value out of the thoughts. Easier said than done, because I'm in the same fight as you. Take care and be strong!

[constantworrier1989]

Thank you Tiredmind, it helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this, but you know how the doubt goes... I keep thinking I am the only one. Its so frustrating. I woke up this morning in a panic because I had a weird sex dream about Kendall Jenner, who is 14. I looked at her swimsuit pictures and thought, "wow, she's sexy.." I told my boyfriend about it and he said she looks like she's in her 20s but its not really reassuring me. Now I'm worried that I'm a hebephile. This is so ridiculous. Someone please help me, I'm so disgusted with myself  :[

[WaterEclipse]

I understand completely. If you read some of my first posts, they had to do with intrusive thoughts about my nephew and being terrified about why I was thinking those thoughts and if I was sick, or insane. I still have those thougths every once in a while but deep down I know it's just the OCD, and not who I really am. Some days I will argue with myself about that and other days I put my foot down. it's part of having OCD and intrusive thoughts to have the doubt and anxiety. It has gotten better for me it just takes time. it is also really nice that you have so much support from your family and boyfriend. That helped me alot when I first told someone about my thoughts. it was like a huge burden lifted. Keep your head up and know that you are DEFINITELY not alone ;)

[Ymir]

Transgressive thoughts are exciting - especially for lonely, depressed, and morally repressed people. Just remember that what's really exciting you is the idea of transgression and not the object you're projecting it in. Ten years ago I would've been mortified by the thoughts I've had, now I'm bummed out that there are no more taboos to entertain myself with. The way I see, as long as the actions take place only in your head, there's nothing wrong with it. There can't be anything wrong with it because the more wrong it becomes, the more exciting it gets. The next thing you know, its going to turn into obsession, which can quickly lead to acting upon it. Then you'll turn into one of those subhuman things you see in the news and no one will have any sympathy for you.

[constantworrier1989]

Ymir, I don't understand your response. Are you saying I'm a morally repressed person? Please explain what you mean.

[constantworrier1989]

Or are you saying you think I'm going to act on this? I'm really freaked out now :[

[Ymir]

I wouldn't worry about acting upon it at this stage. I mean, you're still not even sure what "it" is.

All I have left to say is that I wish my mother was as understanding as yours. I can't talk to my mother about anything, let alone the experience of touching a baby's buttcrack. You should be grateful that you have such a wonderful person in your life.

[WaterEclipse]

Please do not freak out. I didn't really understand what she was trying to say in her post either. You are not going to act on these thoughts. I have never acted on the thoughts I have had and they are some really weird and scary thoughts. You just have to accept that they are thoughts and everyone has probably had thoughts that they know are weird or unconventional but because they don't have OCD or anxiety, they brush them off as where we try and analize every part of it trying to figure out why the hell we would think that. Have you seen a therapist? Sometimes by just talking with them and letting your feelings out and getting reassurance from them can help tremendously. And it's ok to cry or get angry. I cried my head off the first time I talked to someone about it because I was so scared and embarassed but now I can talk about it like it was yesterdays news. Don't let anyone tell you that you are crazy or going to act on anything, because they are wrong. I hope you can feel better after reading these comments and browsing other peoples experiences. If you search for "intrusive thoughts" or any other key words like obsessive or thoughts, you will find that there are TONS of other people on this site that are having the same problems, maybe not the same exact thoughts, but they are just as scary and unnerving to those folks as yours are to you. :)

[Crush]

The thought horrified me

And this is why you are thinking these thoughts. It's not actually pedophilia, but rather the fact that doing such things frighten you so much.

What you have is POCD and is a very, very common form of OCD so you are definitely not alone.

I've actually read a lot about POCD because I find it so fascinating in its uniqueness. It seems to strike peolple in the USA and UK the most for some reason. I've noticed anecdotally that it's cultural. People in other parts of Europe often don't quite 'understand' POCD or suffer from it nearly as much as Americans and British from what I gather.

I have to admit that POCD fascinates me most because I don't suffer from OCD so I can look from the outside rationally at this. I have had mild OCD during my anixety peaks (repeating phrases and thoughts in my head all day.. superstition, etc), but I've never suffered primarily from OCD.

Both women and men struggle with POCD. I don't want to be the barer of bad news, but it can certainly stay with you and get worse. You can have it through the years and as a woman it can effect you with your own children (boy or girl) and other peoples kids. I've read countless stories of mothers being tormented of bathing their kids.

POCD is strange because there's glimpses of truth in things that the OCD will amplify. For instance, little kids are cute. They have nice skin and of course it feels good.. that's where the saying 'smooth as a baby's skin' comes from. It's what we all want. Some kids will grow up to be pretty or handsome or will be prettier or more handsome than other kids.  Kids have thick, awesome hair, no cellulite, fat, etc. Teens have bodies that most women would love to rewind and have again. So yes there's a lot of truths in that. Oh and also I've had many ex gf's and *all* of them were attracted to other women and fantasized about them. I'm talking ALL of them so don't think you are alone there either.

What you're OCD then does, is take those things a step further to thoughts which you can't fathom. Then the OCD consumes you.

Someone from Latin America or Europe may have different viewpoints of children and sexuality. When I was in the Dominican Republic for a vacation, there were many guests from Spain. They had kids completely nude running around and jumping all over moms and dads. Some in early teens. Every time I go on vacation I always see stuff with kids and parents from Europe that even make me a bit uncomfortable, but to them it's nothing and completely normal. Actually many of the parents topless themselves. They culturally are different so they always have a 'different' opinion on POCD, but one thing is for sure, they seem to suffer much less from it.

Eventually, things can get bad enough where you may begin to really believe that you actually touched a child after you have been just in the same room. You'll know you didn't, but your OCD will have you really, truly believe that you did and that you actually liked it and want to do it again. This is very, very... VERY common and classic POCD.

There's 2 things I think that cause POCD.

1 - What you said "The thought horrified me". Like any OCD, OCD will often pick what 'scares you most' and use that against you. Treat OCD as something separate from you. Some it might be getting cut, another getting rabies, and some it could be children.

2 - Anxiety (having a non sober state of mind). Remember OCD is anxiety. Throughout my own experience and research, it seems that the more anxiety someone suffers, the more taboo the thoughts and imagination to get someone sexually aroused. It's the thing about anxiety that people don't discuss very often. It can often cause spice actually in a rather mundane, typical fantasies. It's something new. So lets suppose a female gets panic attacks and anxiety after a job loss. When she has some 'alone time', she might be dreaming of much more taboo things to excite her. The age thing is definitely a factor as well as race and gender. She will find that she doesn't want to fantasize about the 'usual'. I can say though, that this only lasts through the peak of anxiety. When you 'get better', your sexual fantasies and such get back to normal.

So what happens with the POCD, is the person suffering worries that the pedo thoughts, are mixing in with her animal instinct to want to be aroused. This is where POCD is different than something like a phobia of knives or sickness. POCD is special in this regard. Your anxiety will naturally make your libido want to reach for more taboo sexual fantasies when you are suffering from anxiety. Combine this with POCD and you do not have a winning combination.

The way to fight POCD? Well.. many suffer their whole lives, raise kids, and live with it forever. All I can say, is there's one common denominator:

The thought horrified me

The above is the big thing that seems to give people POCD as compared to others who do not suffer. To me (and my wife who I have discussed this with in the past), a thought of myself doing pedo stuff just doesn't bother me that much. Neither my wife. I mean.. I don't like it obviously, but it's just a thought. I have imagined the most worst things trust me. And the reason why it doesn't bother me is because I don't find it horrifying like you do. I know that sounds really bad lol. I do NOT endorse the real thing happening of course. I just had my first daughter 2 months ago and I can imagine bad thoughts on that too and you know what? It just doesn't bother me because it's just a thought. It's like imagining taking a machine gun and like Rambo and shooting everything in site. It's just imagination and not reality. It means nothing. I know and you know that we're both non pedophiles. But the OCD is blowing it out of control and giving your doubts.

Medication will help greatly with this if you aren't taking any. It will allow you to not get so 'upset' at the mental images and then brush it aside when it happens. That is the only way that the POCD will go away. You don't want it for life and to end up with this your whole life.

[sweethoney102005]

hey,

I too suffer from the same exact thoughts..except i have a 2 yr old daughter now....mine started when i was about 6 mos preggers...first it was the fear of someone doin it to her...then it slowly started to creep into my mind that i was the one to sexually harm her...it had me number for months til i finally could not handle it on my own..i finally told the father of my kid,and my mother...eventually telling my brother and aunt. it is the hardest thing to deal with..i have been a sufferer for almost three years....its almost like you think your mind has taken total control over you...and there is nothing you can do or say to change it...i think the most part we cant get over, is the guilt that we even allowed it to come into our heads....i to do the same things you do....test myself to see if i like it...when deep down you know you HATE IT....but heres a little advice i got....a child molester never test themselves or feel guilt...they never cry or get fear...they never avoid children,they go out of there way to find children..people who do the total opposite...fear,cry,anxiety,avoid...we are what they call OCD paitents...but i know how you feel even though there is proof that Pure O exist...there is still a part of your brain that says "Nope,your just sick" or "maybe i do like this"...this is personal but i do want to share with someone like you...the father does have custody of my daughter..the reason being...is cause i feared it so much i was afraid it could happen...even though i love her til the end of the earth...and would cross hell to make sure she is protected...and i think that was my way of me saying she was protected..by letting him keep her...but instead im letting my OCD get the best of me...some dont understand how more fearful this is then...the fear of germs, or closing a door 5 times..trust me i would rather have that over this ANY DAY!!! if you ever need to talk with someone who has the same symptons...IM HERE,...and trust me i need someone still too..cause i still have my days..even months where i cant function right...IM PRAYING FOR YOU!!!

[sweethoney102005]

also....my email should be on here if you would rather just email me...instead of posting more on here...dont worry ..WE ALL WILL GET THROUGH THIS>>

[coreys86]

You saying youd rather kill yourself then do that proves that you wouldnt do anything. Im going thru this rediculousness also. But just like the thoughts of me harming a child are gone this will be too. Our minds search for the worst and focus on it. Try to focus on whats good. Its hard but you will make it out of this just like thousands of others have!

[WorryWort1986]

Unfortunately, I am battling intrusive thoughts myself and just the thoughts alone make me sick of anxiety and fear.  I would rather 0473 than be that type of person.  It sucks.  I just started being treated for anxiety/ocd and my psychiatrist told me it's not uncommon for people with this to have violent thoughts.  I asked them if this made me crazy they said not.  They said we don't want to act on them, therefore, we aren't that.  I'm going to see a therapist on Wednesday.  I hope some therapy will help me rid of these thoughts.  I walk around not able to look at people out of shame…because of these thoughts.  i could never hurt anyone, I would rather die than do that….it's scary.  I feel your pain.  I sometimes just don't want to get out of bed because I'm so ashamed…all I wanna do is cry…and pray.  It will be ok.  I read somewhere people like us who have these intrusive thoughts are the least likely to act on them.  If you need anyone to talk to, I am here as well.