Well....here goes nothing.
Growing up, I have always felt like I needed to be perfect. There was nothing that had initially caused me to start thinking like this...I guess it was just me and my brain. I had wonderful parents and an awesome sister. My family was supportive and great. Everything was awesome on the homefront growing up. I was not bullied in school and I had friends.
When I was 12, my parents got a divorce. I had no idea why, but as I am older now I understand now that my dad could not deal with my mom's anxiety and mood disorders. After my dad moved out of the house, I became obsessed with how I looked and making sure that I was appealing to boys. I would go online and chat with people I did not even know and send them promiscuous pictures of myself just to get clarification that I was good enough and that I was capable of being wanted and loved. My freshman year of high school, I met the first love of my life. He was my first for everything. This relationship ended up being emotionally abusive and he had drug and anger problems. I felt like I couldnt help and to me, that meant that I was not good enough and that I was failing. Initially, this relationship ended....awfully. As any normal teenager, this sent me into a spiraling depression. I eventually got over it and had great friends nearing the end of my high school year.
Well, after I graduated high school, is where things went horrible. A boy that I had met in high school and whom I was talking to decided that he did not want anything to do with me. Before I started talking to this boy, one of my best friends was talking to him and assured me after that she did not have feelings for him and that it was ok if I did. So I basically started dating this guy and all of a sudden my friends turned on me. They said nasty things to me, all while this guy was cheating on me with one of them. This guy said horrible things to me and basically told me I was a worthless person and not worthy of love or friendships. That summer I began to cut myself
I got back with my first emotionally abusive boyfriend, which again sent me into a further depression. Finally my mom and my best friends at the time saw the cuts on me and knew there was something wrong. I went to see a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Prozac 40mg and Ambien so that I could get some sleep at night. By this time, I was in college. I was trying to get my studies done but it was extremely difficult. I was also working at a restaurant. The Prozac seemed to work for a while and the ambien helped me sleep. Eventually the prozac didnt help filter these dark thoughts in my head that I was never going to be good enough for anyone and that I was not capable of being loved. One evening, I felt so low that I decided to cut myself deeper and I took several...way more than I should....ambien pills. I just wanted to go to sleep forever. My mom ended up coming in my room a short time later to check on me, I was barely able to talk because I was so out of it. All I remember from that night is being in an extremely cold bathtub with water pouring in my face, my mom on the phone with the poison control center crying, crawling down the hallway to my room, and being kept up all night by my mom because she was scared that I was not going to wake up.
This was the wakeup call for me. I could not do this to my family. I ended up getting on Zoloft, which also helped for a while. I still had cutting rounds but not nearly as bad and the suicidal thoughts went away. I started dating a wonderful boy and moved up to Tampa with him. Everything was going great until a year later, I became unexpectedly pregnant. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and had to get a D&C. My depression and anxiety hit hard
after this. I began to have panic attacks everyday. I stopped exercising and gained some weight which made me feel worthless all over again. My boyfriend had no idea how to handle it so he would just watch me as I hyperventilated and cried. Eventually, I began to have mood swings and it caused problems with my schooling and my relationship. I also had health anxiety on top of everything else after the D&C. I constantly thought I was dying of something. I decided that it was time to go see my psychiatrist again. He prescribed be Ativan 2mg daily, which helps and still helps a lot.
I am continuing to fight through this anxiety and depression. I just recently started Lexapro while still taking Ativan as needed. I already am feeling so much better and my relationships wih others and school are improving.
No matter what, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be love for you. You just have to pick yourself up and get there, and if you cant, someone will be there to help, I promise. If I can, anyone can.
Thank you to everyone who shared their amazing stories. It really has helped me understand that I am not silly or alone for feeling like this.
KEEP ON SMILING