This is the first time I have blogged anything like this, so do your best to be patient with my anxiety over typing my anxieties. Surprise, surprise.
I can't remember when I first recognized my anxieties, but like most horrors, it became much more blatant in adolescence. My mother first noticed that I was more upset, retreating inwards and becoming increasingly skinny. Knowing her history with anxiety/depression, she took me into a wonderful child psychologist, a quirky, sweet little man. He unflinchingly listened to all my fears, my deepest worries that made me physically nauseous and never even blinked. His lack of horror at my horrors made me increasingly comfortable and that began the start of my self-recognition of my mental anxieties, my OCD and my linked depression.
My greatest fears has always crippled me. These fears are unrealistic, they are ever-increasing and they are completely blown out of proportion. Yet, my mind cannot let go. My mind has a constant need for complete control and when that is unavailable, it enters adrenaline mode. I don't sleep, I don't eat, and it takes work consistent work to function properly. I have gone through so many fears and each one at the time seems to me as if the world is ending if this fear is realized.
When I was younger, my greatest fear was that I would be raped and kidnapped, never to see my family again and tortured for many years. As I grew older, I feared that I was gay. In my late teen years, I was afraid I would let down my tennis team by losing at state or my family by not getting into a good college. After my virginity was lost to a boyfriend late in college, I feared I was a ***** and that no man worth having would have me and that I was going to hell. Recently after a relationship, I feared I had STIs and was going to have herpes or HIV and never be able to date or become a mother. And my latest fear is that on a day when I drank too heavily with a friend and lost small chunks of time, that I cheated on my boyfriend and I will lose him.
Now, did any of these fears happen? No. They did not. Did I loose sleep, meals, tears and sanity over them? Yes, I did and still am. I am in constant battle with myself, knowing what is unrealistic but not able to connect that logic with my irrational brain.
My anxiety has always been social and obsessive-thought based. My physical symptoms associated with my anxiety are: insomnia, shakiness/jitteriness, nausea with occasional vomiting, acid-reflux and a "racing" heart or increased heart-rate. This constant adrenaline rush eventually leads to a mild/moderate depression. My depression is secondary to my anxiety/OCD. I have been on and off fluoxetine 20-40mg since I was 16 and am currently on 20mg. Overall, it helps. However, when I get on one of my obsessive-thought rants, it doesn't seem to touch it. I have been through 2 years of cognitive/behavioral therapy but have not talked with anyone since I was 18.
So there it is. I feel I am very aware of my anxiety and am able to tell when I am being unrealistic but I still feel I have no control over my obsessive thoughts. And this drains me. I try so hard function and be perfect so that my obsessions will cease for a time. If anyone has any advice or just comments on similar stories, I would appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this.