Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder

[cheeks73]

hey, its hard reading all your posts, so many lives affected by anxiety, i didnt realise there were so many sufferers. i thought i was alone in this, and going slightly mad with it!
my story isnt as traumatic as most, here goes....
i had a major operation when i was 19, i suffered post traumatic stress disorder as a result, i was in a wheelchair for a while, which was the last thing i expected, i thought my back op would cure my problem, not create more! anyway, i started getting panic attacks, fainting spells, and i was told it was all an effect of the op and i would get over it soon. basically i was brushed off. i didnt know what was happening to me, i thought i was seriously ill, i suffered for years until i became agoropobic, it was so bad i had a psychiatric nurse come to the house once a week, it took me 5 long years before i felt well enough to step out into my street, my recovery was a long one, i have had 6 amazing panic free years, up until 5 weeks ago, ive been having problems wth my spine again, ive had lots of tests done and ive got lots of things going on and ultimately im gonna end up in a wheelchair again, since ive found this out, my anxiety had come back, i am trying so hard to be positive, for my kids sakes, i tell myself things could be a lot worse, i count my blessings! i have no control over my spine problems, but i want to get over the anxiety!! so i can make the best of things.

[Yoshi]

Hello,

This is my first post on here! After a year of worrying about being gay and having literally the worst year of my life i went to the doctors to as i had read online about a thing called HOCD which sounded very much what i believe i had or have! it has been a horrible year i split up with my girlfriend after i told her about my gay worries she stayed with me for a few months but i was so depressed and confused i didnt know what to do. I never really thought i suffered from anxiety as from a young age i have been very outgoing, fairly popular and really would give anything a try. I went to the doctors and explained my situation poorly as recently i have had terrible worries about i could be a pedophile or that i may want to have sex with an animal which is so stupid i know as i would like to think of myself as a kind person who would do anything but the anxiety makes me feel like im a bad person which kills me!
I have worried about stupid things all my life from having cancer, brain tumors, never going to be able to sleep, playing playstation, hicuups, going blind and toretts. These worries i have had every since i can remember but the recent worries of wanting to do sexual stuff with boys, children and animals really does sicken me! i am not homophobic or anything and i have tried to get aroused and on certain occasions i have and this made me worry if i was or not if i am i would have no problem with it as that is who i am and it is accepted in the 21st century which i think is amazing! But children and animals i honeslty cant handle it! it has recently been so close to 0119 as my thoughts keep getting worse and worse and i think to myself when will it stop? I know i probably sound insane and disgusting and i feel it but i havent done anything and i feel so bad and horrible like im not myself the anxiety kills me! i think i have suffered from mild anxiety attacks many times but i never really thought of them as attacks.. I would just like some guidance as i would love to be my old self again and be the kind outgoing chilled out self but i feel like its going to take a lot of work!! I would like to thank everyone for posting their stories on here as they are extremely helpful esspecialy the people who have overcome it! i pray i will have the strength to get through it and one day be my old self again! any advice would help thank you very much!

[Ohioman1972]

Hello,

New to this forum... well, not really - I joined a little over a year ago - but just now posting up for the first time.
Not really sure of the clinical name but I am a people pleaser. I am just starting to realize it, and understand a little bit about it. I really fear conflict. Irrational fears of confrontations, anyone being offended or hurt by what I've said or done, having someone find me selfish because I take care of my needs or wants. It was sobering just coming to the realization, but it's also pretty tough trying to reset my mind.

I first started to realize my issues when my wife stopped respecting me. She loves me, but she can walk all over me and she knows it. It's hard for a woman to respect a man that is a complete pushover. All this time I thought I was just a nice guy.
I asked for some advice. I was told to "man up". I was even given a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy". The title somewhat offended me, but then I started to read it. Yeah, that was me.

We have split up a couple times, and of course that sent my anxiety levels through the roof.  Being alone and unable to see my kids hit me pretty hard. Again, back to another irrational fear - being alone.

I have a long road ahead of me. Just really scratching the surface but I thought I'd start somewhere.

[VanessaP]

Well, anxiety runs in my family and I would always see my mother freaking out over nothing when I was growing up. I hated seeing her that way and my sister and I would have to calm her down and let her know that she was just blowing things out of proportion.

After high school I went to college and everything was going well until my house got broken into. The only thing they took was my jewelry box with mostly cheap jewelry, but it also contained the necklace that my father had passed away in. I have always been a person to try and be positive and keep my negative feelings to myself, but it really broke my heart.

Then a couple years later, my house got burgled again, and they took most of the electronics which I didn't care about, those were replaceable, but they took my laptop. It had six years of family photos, artwork, writings, it was six years of me growing up and having fun...gone. That is when I had my first panic attack. I saw that my laptop was gone and couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, and I thought I was going to faint and had to sit on the curb while the police officers investigated the house.

After that, I started having a lot of trust issues. I just always kept expecting to drive up to the house again to see the window broken and all my belongings gone again. Expecting it to happen was my way of planning ahead and trying to cope with this tragedy, even though it hasn't happened again. It has been 2-3 years and I always drive up to my house waiting for everything to be gone and the windows smashed in like last time.

I now work at a great job in administration and everything was going well until I had this one coworker who works right next to me. (like 3 feet, same office). She is completely negative. She vocalizes every action that she is doing and has to interrupt everyone to one up everyone else's story. She seems almost manic and since she is a higher up, I cannot say much to her. She is nosy and intrusive in my personal life and I just choose to remain quiet, yet she insists to my boss that I am unstable (depressed and sad).

I feel that with her, the break ins, and various other negative situations that have happened in my life, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was shaking a lot, like I was cold, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I had heartburn and would get dizzy. I was talking to a coworker sitting down, and my brain stopped working. I couldn't finish my sentence and kept repeating the same word around 6 times before I was able to collect myself and play it off. Other symptoms included/include mentally acting out every scenario for the day while in the shower. I feel like I need to be prepared for the worst and it is exhausting. There are times where I cannot get out of the shower because I am starting to panic about the day that hasn't happened yet. I also feel very numb in terms of positive emotions. I can feel angry, upset, and anxious, but when I am in a situation where I know I would be happy, I am just not. It is like I am watching myself in a dream live a life that I am so close to experiencing, but I am right outside that grasp. So I act happy, silly, or whatever, but there are very few instances now where that is genuine.

My coworker pushed me over the edge, with her constant narration about her dull life and her telling everyone when she was going to the bathroom and who she had to call afterwards, I broke. I had a breakdown about a month ago and, although I have taken some personal days because i couldn't even get myself out of the house, I broke down at work. My boss was understanding and I have been taking medication for a month now. Things are slowly getting better. I am trying figure out my medication because it makes me very drowsy and cloudy sometimes, and also I want to work on my environment and make my living situation better. I left my neglectful boyfriend, I am making my house, my sanctuary, and am eating healthy and exercising. I know that my medicine is not a cure all and it is helping me dream of goals that I want to achieve that were once never existent.

Luckily my coworker doesn't know. My friends and boss at work are respectful enough to keep it from her and I just take a pill whenever I get into work. It helps me get my job done and people are now noticing her odd behavior, so I don't feel like I am crazy.

It has been really hard. I hate not being normal. I want to be carefree and mellow but with these various situations that have happened in my life, and my past family history, I cannot deny that something is wrong and I need help. I just hate feeling so disconnected, I feel disconnected from life and I am watching life go by. I am trying really hard to make things better for myself. I decided to be selfish. I want to get back to some sort of normalcy and I think I am taking the right path in what I am doing.

I didn't think I would write this much, but so much has happened and I really feel alone. I want to be apart of life and live in the moment and right now it is not happening, but I am hopeful. I am hopeful because I have always been positive and if I wasn't, I think I would be a lot worse off than I am.

Thank you for listening.

[DiDi]

My anxiety started in 2008 after a bad breakup and financial issues.  I was unhappy in my job and unhappy in my life.  I couldn't manage it, and would sit in bed all day shaking and thinking the same thoughts over and over.  I was absolutely terrified.  This bout ended with a stay in a hospital for a week (should have been more but had to get back to work - those damn financial issues).  Then, for a while with medicine and the help of friends it got more manageable.  Now, I am posting because it has once again gotten to the point that I am ready to crawl out of my skin.  My husband has been out of work for 3 years, and I am the sole breadwinner.  We are in the middle of a chapter 13 bankruptcy and I'm scared to death we may lose our house, which is my childhood home.  I barely have the money to cover all the bills, and yesterday I actually visited a food bank (they were so kind, and I cried the whole time).  I still have a job, for which I am grateful - but I am terrified, I feel alone and unsupported (I have no family other than my husband, and he just doesn't GET it).  I need help... but I can't even afford the therapy that helped in the past, because my health insurance is terrible and I already have 6k in medical debt due to my husband's surgeries and illnesses.  I am at a loss, I want to just give up but I can't - because if I don't keep going nobody will do it for me.  It is the only thing that keeps me going.

[Patricia1030]

My trouble started about a month ago..started out with the heart pounding dizziness and the need to run away..I was just sitting on my couch watching t.v..went and saw my doc who gave me a prescription for vistaril..not having the attacks now just strange feelings..my head gets dizzy on the inside..like my brain is being zapped on the inside..neck pain my hair is sore..just a number of problems..don't know what else to do

[michigan1966]

I wish I was "normal".  What would it feel like if I didn't worry so much or hide out when depressed?  I've always felt some type of shyness or stress, but the first panic attack came at age 30. I grew up in a home where I was sheltered from negative. Feelings were buried. My dad is a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking when I was 5, but still followed the typical inability to express many feelings. He is a perfectionist so I was always good - but he said "you can do better", which caused me to be a perfectionist too. My mom was always trying to shelter me from bad. I don't blame my parents. They are great & did what they thought was best, but it did affect me.
I like to just hide & bury things too which lead to depression and panic.  16 years ago I got married, turned 30 and then had a nervous breakdown and landed in the hospital for a week.  I realized the guy was not for me so we divorced the following year. he was unsupportive, immature and tried to get me to be someone i was not.  This hospital visit was partly because I had a general doctor trying to give me meds instead of a psychiatrist.  Personally I think antidepressants are not really the cause of 0119 -- but the Wrong antidepressant or it taking too long to work.  Two weeks is a very long time when you are depressed or panicked!
Over the years I go up and down. I had another divorce after realizing he was an alcoholic too & it got much worse as time went on.  the tragedy of two divorces has not helped my panic and fear of loss.  I have GAD & depression, along with SAD the winter.
I continue to take my meds and try to live to be happier & healthier. I just wonder if there is something out there that can help me feel "more normal"?  Therapy or meds or whatever. Or maybe this is as good as I can feel?

[hannahwolfff]

Hello everyone! My name is Hannah and I am 20 years old and this is my story.

In 2011 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, but it didn't just start then.
I remember way back when I use to always be afraid and assume stupid stuff that no kid should worry about. Parents fighting is never fun but that's what it usually revolved around. As I got older, around the 6th grade, I just kept getting worse. I don't know why but I always went to school fine, and come 3rd period I would have to go home due to intense stomach pains. I would go home then I would be totally fine. After about a week, my mom refused to pick me up and I had to tough through it. She thought I was just skipping school.

Let me side track to my family. My mother was/is neglectful of me, always has. I've never felt the mother-daughter connection with us and I floated more towards my dad. That being said, he was a drug addict and suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. My sister, who is 6 years older than me, was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 15, I was 8. That's when I had to take on my own ground and step in for my dad who was supposed to be watching me, but he decided to abandon me most of the time to go party with bad people. Needless to say, I grew up too quickly.

Now, more about my gad. When I was about 13 I started experiencing jaw pain and discomfort. My mom said it was nothing and refused to let me see someone about it. A few months later my friends noticed that it didn't open straight.. It opens to the left side and got stuck if I tried to open it straight. That freaked me out. I was thinking jaw cancer or TB (lock jaw) or something. After complaining about it my mom says "it's probably TMJ, we can't do anything by now, sorry." To which my dad got mad, an took me to a specialist where I got a proper MRI and when I was 14 I was diagnosed with severe TMJ. (TMJ is mainly caused by stress or trauma or injury). Also, it is not covered by insurance so it only got worse and worse. Even the slightest bit of stress would give me a TMJ migraine, which immobilizes me and makes me feel wicked sick. So grades went down, mom got even more mad, and I gave up basically. I'm high school I started getting the stomach pains again but couldn't do anything about it.

When I was 16 my dad was arrested on 3 counts of robbery, armed with a dangerous weapon and masked. He was sentenced 4 years. We were already poor so with my dad gone, made it worse. My mom started to bring her anxieties upon me so I started worrying about where our money was coming from and things I just shouldn't worry about. I was very drawn back, I never spoke during classes and never bothered anyone. I failed 3 classes in my high school career because it was too stressful for me. My mom just says I was lazy and my jaw was an excuse. When I was 17, my junior year of high school, I suffered a terrible case of shingles. Yes, a 17 year old can get shingles. What was the factor? Stress. My mom made me go to school when I was still infected because she didn't want me skipping classes any more.

At this point I was doing everything I was suppose to do. Go to school and graduate. As time went on it was harder and harder to be ok with doing normal tasks. Walking to the bus stop got a lot harder. I didn't take lots of stuff to school because I didn't want to be a bother to other people, and this includes my all time passion, my viola. When I graduated (which my mom outright told me I wasn't going to, that I couldn't and that there was no reason to keep my hopes up) my life stopped. I didn't go to college (my mom refused to talk to me about it because she said it was breath wasted), I never learned to drive, I had quit from 3 jobs because I couldn't handle the stress and the people, and I was begging to see a therapist. Anxiety attacks did set in, and after a while depression did too. I was too afraid to go out side, to walk down the street, to do pretty much any thing. I was confined to my house for two summers. I live in New England so if there's warm weather, I was to enjoy it as much as I can, but at the time I just couldn't.

Getting people to understand anxiety is extremely hard. People always go "well, just do it. Don't borrow trouble". Problem: I can't get to that first "just do it" thing. Luckily I have my boyfriend of 2 years in my life. He's the most understanding of any one I have talked to and he helps me as much as he cans and just to know he tries makes me feel better. We have some issues that interfere with my anxiety, but he understands and is willing to be patient for me.

Now that I'm 20, I still don't drive and can only hold down seasonal jobs, with babysitting on the side. Im also not in college either. I've been seeing a therapist for about 2 years, and been taking Zoloft for a little more than a year. It had helped me but in the small steps. Going outside and sitting on my yard and being able to just take a walk with no destination and to have some sort of job with no sign of fear or anxiety. I'm proud of the work but I feel like I'm not going to be able to move forward again. I'm afraid of that and I just can't shake the feeling. I have picked up smoking cigarettes when I was 14 and still do, and there's the social drinking, but not a problem whatsoever. I don't smoke pot or do any other drugs. I tend to get kudos for that one. I still live with my mom, which is terrible for me, she's always a negative nancy and it never helps my case.

I'm looking forward to using this site, I could really use to support from people who can relate and give me advice that is much needed.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Much is appreciated!!

[Dsays]

Hi all. I believe I have some mild PTSD from childhood stuff bc I've always dealt with anxiety, for as long as I can remember. I consider myself to be a "nervous" person, although other people wouldn't describe me as such - odd, I know. Those close to me are privy to my antics though, so I know it's not just in my head. Anyway, my anxiety usually strikes hardest at night when I'm lying in bed. It keeps me up a lot of the time. I take melatonin and the doctor prescribed an anti-histamine which does the trick, but it leaves me kind of groggy the next day so I don't take it very often. I was prescribed Xanax in the past but I absolutely hate the stuff and refuse to take any other psych meds. I'm trying to overcome my anxiety through natural means, and I find that going to the gym regularly does the trick. I practice both Yoga and meditation, but they don't always work because my anxious thoughts creep in and I end up getting really frustrated. Especially as of late. I have a lot of changes taking place in my life and I think I might be going through my "quarter-life crisis." A lot of these changes are positive things: happy relationship, moving in with boyfriend, starting classes to begin a new career, etc. Yet my anxiety levels are through the roof!!

I'm not sure if this is common, but my anxiety likes to find channels in which to rear it's ugly head, ie. fear of spiders, fear of sharks, fear of zombies/being eaten alive, fear of earthquakes and now it has turned into a fear of flying - specifically over the ocean. For periods of time, sometimes weeks and sometimes months, my anxiety will channel itself into one of these fears. Recently the fear of flying over the ocean has gotten REALLY bad, to the point where I have mini panic attacks throughout the day as the thought creeps into my mind. The more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it! It keeps me up at night and I've stayed awake for nights and spent days researching plane crashes, survivor stories, how to survive a plane crash, etc. I pray to God and ask that I not experience such a thing in my lifetime DAILY - multiple times a day. I talk to my boyfriend about it constantly and he probably thinks I'm going off the deep end. It's ridiculous how many things trigger the thought - thinking of GOD triggers it, thinking of psychics, seeing a psychic's sign, meditating. AND THEN, I get even more anxiety because I'm afraid that by thinking about the plane crash so often I'm manifesting it. Even though I can logically look at this situation and see that it's impractical, I can't help but believe in this stuff. If anyone has any suggestions for overcoming this fear, or anxiety in general, I welcome the advice/help. I had a CBT session, but the fear/anxiety weren't alleviated. I'm going to continue my sessions and hopefully it works. I'm torturing myself and it's truly exhausting. I don't want to live my life in fear.

Welp, that's me! Thanks for reading.

[dcny1976]

I share strength to everyone who suffers from hard times.

Like others, I have had some hard times but recently developed horrific, debilitating anxiety over being sick when I have aches or pains. Ive had a lump in my throat for almost a year and have seen and done test and everything is fine. Why the lump?  Ive gone to so many doctors over the past two years but no answers. I have these passing out episodes that come on whenever and wherever. ANd now my job is at jeopardy because I work with the public and its very hard to fake feeling normal.
I cant seem to put my finger on why this is. They are treating me as anxiety disorder but my head is clear and I don't feel anxious about anything. Yes the basic life struggles everyone has but nothing to the degree that this has spun me into.
When I read people get these anxiety symptoms that some have expressed, its hard for me to relate because I don't feel the same.  I just feel light headed Blurred Vision and the feeling of passing out. I do burp A LOT!!

well thats my story. thanks for listening.

[TS13]

I just lost my story when my computer glitched, so here goes try number two. I struggled with anxiety for the last 30 years or more, but it went undiagnosed until ten years ago and even then went largely untreated, except for occasional incomplete treatment attempts.

The first anxiety attack that I remember was when I was about 12, the same age that my son is currently. My Mom and Dad were out of town. That morning before they left my Mom had given my brother and I our first wallets and 20 bux to go in them. I was stoked to use that twenty on some comics, maybe some junk food. I reached for my wallet at some point in the middle of the day and realized that it was no longer there. I still remember the painted large bricks of the hallway and the dark blue carpet of my middle school as I broke into a sweat, flushing and hot. I felt dizzy. I also felt weak, but after a few minutes in which I kept moving just so I wouldn't look weird to all the other kids strolling through the hall, I made it to the lost and found, where I found my wallet with no money. I was used to feeling guilty and trying to placate others emotionally, so I criticized myself for losing it (I was programmed by that point to blame myself; it never even crossed my mind to consider that someone might have stolen the wallet from me). And I committed to myself to never tell anyone about it, sad as I was to lose that money I had plans for. I knew I would feel worse about myself if I told my Mom about it.

My family and I moved from country to country as we grew up, and I got more anxious the more we moved. We were never in one place for more than a few years, so I was never more than 3 years at any school, never had any hangouts to go to, etc. Everywhere we went the language was different, the culture, the customs...No wonder I'm anxious! My parents did not do a very good job of helping us to stay connected to the friends we made, so we always had to make new friends, and then for a short time. I became less enthusiastic about moving with each move and reached out and opened up less with every move. On top of that, my Dad was a workaholic who hardly knew me or my brother or sister.

When we got to the states, I made some friends, but kept to myself more than most. I was afraid to connect to anyone, since I was sure they weren't going to be a part of my life for very long. I found out later and in work life that it wasn't that unusual in the 80s and 90s in my rich part of the country for people to be in therapy, see their school counselor, take medications for different mental health needs. I didn't do any of that and my parents never mentioned that as an option, much less made me go to counseling- one of the drawbacks of living in some of the places where I lived. In high school I started to feel like I wasn't safe anywhere. I had a constant low-lying level of anxiety. In college, when I didn't understand something, I kept it to myself. I started skipping classes, but not because I was partying. I was depressed and anxious about performing in class (something I never had as a kid). I became a near-recluse in the second half of my junior year, sleeping a lot and staying in bed even when I wasn't sleeping. Some of my teachers were cool enough to worry about me and ask about me. I wish I could go back in time and make my parents put me into some kind of intensive treatment at that point. I missed enough class that I was suspended. I took another 7 years to finish my undergrad at another institution.

I wandered anxiously from job to job, friend to friend, school to school for a few years, then met someone who believed in me and validated me enough that I managed to finish school, work more consistently, start grad school, and start a family. But I was too anxious to finish grad school and had to go back 7 years later for my last 2 classes. I also lost 2 jobs in a row, the first because I had a breakdown and wound up in a week-long intensive therapy program, the second because I started feeling too anxious to meet with my social work clients. I was finally diagnosed for general anxiety disorder when I was 33, after my marriage broke up, largely because I felt like I couldn't handle the stress of supporting a family financially and because I had an intensive, low-paying social work job in which I tried to save and felt responsible for every kid who was on my docket.

When I was finally diagnosed, I thought it was a half-made up diagnosis and didn't believe it was something real and medical. Which now I do. The 6-12 mos. of therapy I got at that point was enough to help me get out and find other work, at a much lower pay than my degree and work experience merited, but I would be able to deal with customers over the phone. The first couple years there were the hardest, because it was so hard for my son. I was just divorced and anxious all the time, and I he saw that anxiety first-hand. It seemed like I was angry all the time as well, though I know I'm blowing that up in my mind.

I started to get anti-anxiety meds a few years back, after I started getting stomach pains due to anxiety. They helped me manage my work in a stressful, fast-paced work environment and my fathering. But I didn't have therapy to address any root causes and I was not making much progress in the relationship category. I got promoted at that job but became co-dependent on one of my fellow managers. When she stopped communicating with me for some reason, I started to regularly feel panicked, paranoid, and unsupported. I was fired from that job- this time unjustly -and moved to another higher-paying but lower-rung position, which I lost a year later, anxiety again being a primary cause.

I've been working very part-time for about a year and am now looking for more at-home work and starting some out-of-home interviews. But I don't have any medical insurance, so I'm looking for support and coping mechanisms and ways to get real regular long-term treatment so I can get back to working out of my home at something I love and maybe dating again, with the hope of having more kids and a wife. But first comes taking care of myself and my son. Miraculously and thankfully, I've been able to take very good care of my son and although money has been tight, I have been able to give him endless amounts, emotionally, and to really be there for him every second that he is out of school and needs me.

That's more than I meant to say. Thanks. I'm grateful for any replies.

[Bekzie]

Hi I am Becky, 30, Anxious.
I had my first panic attack in 2005 and though it was the end, thought I was dead. It was just after my mother in law had passed away from cancer after a long battle. I had the attack but came through it, for a week or so after I was weak, shaky and convinced I was gravely ill. After seeing my doctor and having it blamed on smoking, caffiene, diet and stress I was offered no help and all blame placed on me. The second attack was even worse a few weeks later, I rushed myself to the emergency room at the hospital and was thoroughly checked and given a clean bill of health but still felt the panic, trembles and dizziness. I have a heart murmur which I began to worry about but was assured I was fine. I started experiencing different types of attack and was left in a constant state of anxiety for the next two years. Any doctors I saw just said it was stress, anxiety, nothing they could do, all in my head. In 2007 I was rushed to hospital with a totally unrelated health problem, I was seriously ill and close to death but I pulled through, This seemed to calm me, in my mind I knew if I could cope with what I had been through I could cope with anything. The anxiety was still there behind me, looking over my shoulder but it was manageable. I could calm myself enough so I wouldn't have a full blown attack and be okay again.
This went on until about 6 months ago, Then the familiar feeling of panic Started to rise again getting worse over time. On Friday I had my first full blown attack in years. I live on my own with my two children and my step-daughter and having this attack in front of them really scared me, I had the same "this is it i am dead" feelings, heart racing, tingling arms and was on the verge of phoning an ambulance when my ex (my children's father) arrived and tried his best to calm me down. Slowly the blind panic subsided and I was left shaking and dizzy again.Since then I have had the impending sense of dread, something is going to happen, I am sick, dying, dizziness and quickly escalating heart beat and I fell back into my old habits. Constantly pulse checking, mild OCD traits, routines, etc to make sure I don't have another attack. Things got so bad today I had to plead with my doctors surgery for an appointment, I arrived and saw a new doctor and through floods of tears explained what has been happening. This doctor was kind caring and very supportive thankfully, He did his best to comfort me, explained that he suspected I had an anxiety disorder, gave me a list of calming herbal remedies and prescribed low mg beta blockers for me to try while he arranges counselling for me. I was worried about taking the beta blockers due to my heart murmur but the doctor assured me and even checked my notes to appease me BUT I am still scared to take them! I am unsure, scared and confused about today's events so I am glad to have found a forum to share these feelings and hopefully find a way to move forward. I am a carer for my elderly Grandmother who today witnessed one of my episodes and now thinks I am having a nervous breakdown! I do have a very supportive family but unless someone has experienced the sheer panic and blind anxiety, they can only sympathize and not fully understand.

[sspuzz]

My anxiety started as far back as I can remember. I always attributed my symptoms to something else and only recently did I realize (after a doctor suggested) that it could be anxiety. I agree but have yet to be diagnosed. Just a few years ago everything I did as a child, that I didn't think much of then, started coming back to me, and being older, I realized that it wasn't nothing and it was all a part of what I'm dealing with now. The first time I ever cut myself I was about 11 but I didn't start doing it regularly until junior high. I started picking at my skin when I was about ten and still do in the same spots. I always thought it was just a weird thing I did (like when people enjoy popping zits), only recently did it learn of a disorder called dermatillomania, in which people pick at imperfections in their skin or nails, that can be caused by stress. The first time I saw a therapist I was 15 and have seen three more since then but I either can't afford it after a few months, my insurance changes or I just don't like them. I was suicidal for a long time and had finally decided that my life is worth living but I'm afraid that if I don't figure out what to do I'll feel helpless again. My panic attacks have been becoming more severe as time goes by. When I was younger (Elementary/Junior High school), I would just go into hysterics and start losing control of my breathing. Once I got to high school, along with the hysterics, I would either vomit, get nosebleeds, or occasionally hallucinate. Now, I get severe pains to the point that I can't move and they happen randomly instead of being set off by something. The pain gets so severe I throw up. I've also been extremely irritable. I've recently pretty much lost my three closest friends. The only other one who know I have anxiety is my mom but I can't talk to her about it because she's the kind of person who would blame herself or just become upset. I've lost motivation to do anything most days even though I know exercising, or even just getting out of my apartment, would help. I never want to get out of bed and when I finally do I end up sitting on the couch all day, only getting up to eat and use the bathroom. I'm just in a really bad place and feel like I have no one to talk to. I'm moving in a couple months and don't want to start seeing a therapist until then. Plus I feel like therapy doesn't always help because I don't always feel anxious when I'm there. It's like I'm a different person and I feel like everything I say to my therapist sounds stupid or she/he will think I'm lying to get attention or medication or something. Before I turned 18 I wouldn't tell my therapist of my suicidal thoughts or cutting because I was afraid she would tell my parents. I just feel really lost and confused and not sure what to do. Most of the time I think my mom is the only reason I don't do anything to myself when I feel like this and I want my life to be as important to me as it is her. I guess I'm on here looking for someone to talk to and try to help me, or maybe even help each other. I've seen a lot of posts on here of people saying they've been dealing with this for 20 or 30 years. It's been 10 or 11 for me and I don't think I can handle 10 more.

[Jasont76]

Hi everybody My name is Jason and im 36. I had anxiety disorders just about my whole life. I understand It runs in my family. I am getting out of a bad marriage where i was cheated on so I have trust issues to. My life is very complicated I knew my marriage was bad but I was scared to leave because I knew it would be hard to find someone else. I am not good with finding friends or loved ones. I fear they will not like me for some reason or get tired of me. And when I do meet someone I fear I try to push them away. I worry and obsess if i say the right things or do the right things. I try to please them to make them happy. Then I go home and analyze what was said on the date or text pick it apart. I need constant reassurance. I also look for signs if they are lying or cheating. I cant be happy my mind is always racing. I meet a great girl but i know i will mess it up some how. It getting so I freak out when I worry and my mind fixate one certain thing

[magnesium]

Hello! So I only recently figured out I have anxiety as it comes and goes, but now I can see clearly times in the past where I'd go through periods of panic attacks and not going out and things like that.

This time, I guess it started in November. About a week before my parents came to visit I did something silly and had a fling with an inappropriate person, decided to fall for him. I can see how that I just did this to distract myself from my parents. About a month later, I had to visit my parents. This is when I started to develop some digestive problems, blood in the toilet stuff like that. On the plane to my parents' house I got a stabbing pain in my stomach which lasted for about 4 hours. The week I spent there was horrible--I was upset the whole time, had panic attacks, couldn't comfort myself when my parents picked fights with me. I knew they would do that as well. I will never go back there.

I guess I should explain a few things about my parents. My dad is quite angry but also anxious himself. My mother, she's something different altogether. She has bipolar disorder but there's gotta be something else going on with her. On the last birthday I spent with her she was really upset, I asked her what was wrong, she said "I had to cancel my choir practice to be here". I have memories of her leaving me in places, I remember being 6 and she left me naked in a public toilet. I don't understand how someone could do that to their child.

Anyway, when I got home from my parents' house after Christmas I tried to distract myself again but this time with drinking heaps. It did nothing but make things worse, I was shaking all the time, nervous. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with some kind of paranod thought and be afraid to even go to the kitchen for a glass of water. It was around that time that I started doing research into how to 0473. Since then I've been avoiding my friends, trying not to talk too much to people I don't have to speak to, cancelling plans. stuff like that. i really want to reach out to people but I'm so convinced that they hate me.

Pretty bad sign, so about 5 weeks ago I started uni so I now can't really drink as much, started doing Buddhist meditation. Then a few weeks ago I went to a psychotherapist who is teaching me mindfulness meditation and I think going to do CBT with me. I have made a big long list of goals with her that I really want to reach.

But I still feel suicidal. The more I look into it, the more I am starting to realise it will be impossible to do this without someone finding me and being quite upset about it. Someone would have to pack up my room, get rid of my furniture. My friends might feel bad., they have enough to think about at the moment. Just today I had this thought, alright I WANT to 0473 but it's not really practical. But I can't live in this way. If I have to stay alive, I'd better do as much as I can to make it sufferable.

[justin12]

Hey everyone. Been reading a few stories and I see a lot of stuff that looks familiar to me emotions wise.

The crux of my personal story is coming from a family of abuse. My dad was verbally abusive, physically abusive and sometimes sexually abusive. I would see him hit my mom in front of me, not let me talk to her even though we lived in the same house, yell at me when I got anything less then an A (never good enough). I was constantly used as a weapon against those closest to me. I tried to befriend him, pretend like I agreed and loved him so I could keep an eye on him. This meant sometimes telling something small. I was a kid though. It did lead me to studying military tactics a lot to try to understand how to ingratiate myself better. I think one of the most traumatizing moments in my childhood was when he made me wait outside the door while he raped my mom, threatening to hurt me if she didn't go along with it. Sometimes I think I just made a monster of my dad and that memory is made up. I hope it is.

After one particularly bad fight my dad said he was leaving and asked me and my brother who we wanted to live with. By this time I was already used to be the sacrificial lamb, used to being the one to volunteer to go with my dad someplace so everyone else could have peace and be free of him for a time. So I choose my dad. My brother choose my mom. I had to keep everyone fooled, make everyone think I was on his side because he was unstable, possibly dangerous. And I knew that at some point he might kill me or I might have to kill him. I mean I knew how to fight. I was fighting bullies every day at school anyway since in order to keep my high grades I had to be the jackass in the front of class who raises his hand for every question. Besides, its not like the bullies could hurt me worse then my dad could.

We left as soon as I graduated eight grade. I literally mean the day after graduation. From there I lived with my dad for a year in a trailer and hour away but I still went to the same school because he wanted to keep tabs on my brother. On days he had meetings in the morning he dropped me off at 6 am. Even though my mom lived 8 minutes away I wasn't allowed to go there. I just had to wait in the cold for two hours.

Time passed and I began to unravel quickly. I was never very popular to begin with. I never really "got" people. Partially because I was more worried about surviving then making friends. And if I did make friends, so what? What's the endgame? Invite them over to my place where my dad was? No. I just got used to being alone and taking care of myself.  But now it was my first year in high school and I was starting to get a reputation as the "crazy" kid. I would talk to statues. I got sent to the principles office because I apparently punched myself in the arm repeatedly one time in class. I don't remember it. My brother told my mom and, going through my brother, we finally set up a plan to get me away from my dad. The school got involved and everything because of some threats he left on my moms answering machine.

So my dad went to jail. For a week, at least, before being bailed out. At the trial I was the only one who testified. I don't remember if my mother did but my brother refused. He was so surprised. I had done a really good job of looking to be on his side that his jaw dropped when I got on the witness stand. His lawyer didn't even have any questions because he was working off the testimony of my father who literally said he should be nominated for "Father of the year". Still, after all the pictures of bruises, recorded death threats, testimony from others in the neighborhood and my testimony all he got was a year of probation and parenting classes to "reunite the family". My social worker asked if I wanted to see him again. I told her that if we saw each other again there was a high probability that he would try to kill me or I would try to kill him. They never asked again.

I went to live with my mom while my dad apparently fell into a cycle of substance abuse. He died in a fire. He had been cooking, got drunk, passed out and the fire had spread. We know this because a girl scout had sold him some cookies before the fire and he was obviously drunk. The trailer was just trashed when we found it. The floor was littered with garbage and beer cans. We found vials of cocaine.

You know, as much as I hated him, as much as what he did messed with me, he didn't deserve that. No one deserved that. I never got to see the body because of the severity of the burns. He died of smoke inhalation but, from what I heard, the body was pretty charred. In my mind, though, the body in his casket wasn't the monster who had terrorized and ruined my life. It was just a scared, depressed, lonely, mentally broken man named George. I know how it feels to live the life he lived after I left because he made me live it my whole life. But still, I am not him. I don't delight in the suffering of others. I didn't go to the funeral. I just didn't care. I gave him the same compassion I would give a stranger. Sure I feel bad and empathize, but I'm not going to the funeral.

I was a mess. I had major depression moderate, PTSD, OCD, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder and an irrational hatred of odd numbers. I worked for years at therapy but it only seemed to get marginally better. By college I was doing somewhat better. Making friends was very difficult. I had to force myself to go out and, by this time, I was wayyy behind on the curve. I didn't understand the nuances most people get from having normal social lives as kids. In short I was pretty socially inexperienced. It was difficult to forge relationships, make friends, try to get a girlfriend when I was still trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and how to fix it.

It was the start of junior year when my panic attacks started. By this time I felt like I was rid of my depression. My panic attacks were severe and often and I was advised to take the semester off on medical leave. I filed all the paper work but apparently there was a $40 filing fee I needed to pay on one of the papers to be processed but since I confirmed with the office that I was finished before I left I wasn't paying attention to my schools emails or letters. Because the fee was never paid the leave was never processed and it was like I just stopped going to class. It took a year and a half in order to fix the paper work so I didn't have to pay the tuition for the semester.

So here I am at 26. I've had panic attacks for the past three years. I am no longer depressed but the list of my psychosomatic symptoms keeps growing and growing. I am tired all the time, even after just waking up. I show no signs of any physical illnesses that would cause that. I used to wake up sick to my stomach too before I started meditating. I can't sleep without taking a xanax because sleep makes me anxious. I haven't had many long relationships because A) no one ever taught me how to talk to girls and B) I moved a lot and C) me learning to talk to girls on my own in college was difficult due to my agoraphobia but also because I was just/still am trying to figure people out. I still have to force myself to go out with the few friends I have been able to make. I basically feel like I am a mess even after five + years of steady therapy and personal work. I just really want to get to a place where stuff stops getting in my way. I am beat down and fatigued but all I really want is for my psychosomatic and mental illnesses to stop hindering me. They don't need to help, they just need to stop hurting me so much that it makes personal work into a Sysphian ordeal.

[Artman9865]

I have had slight anxiety for as long as i can remember but it wasn't bad at all. But i do remember when it started getting bad. I injured my back at work and found out i have degenerative disc disease and i just got married at the time and was in the process of buying a house well this all came crashing down on my first i find out i probably wont be able to work and then my wife left me and we lost our house my car was repossessed because i had to fight for my workman's comp  and had no income to save anything so i lost everything within the matter of two months and i started to have worsening anxiety between my wife trying all she could to hurt me even more by lying trying to get a pfa so i couldn't get my stuff out of my house i ended up getting a lawyer and winning that because she is not a very good liar but after seeing here my anxiety got even worse i started getting medication from my doctor and it helped but i couldn't afford it so i stopped taking it and when i did i started having severe panic attacks and i wouldn't even leave the house for days i started to think it wasn't anxiety and it was something more severe i eventually was able to start taking my meds again and i feel better for the most part but i still have some anxiety mostly every day and some days its bad but the meds help make it bearable most of the time. thanks for reading.

[Suzanne]

I have just joined to day. I am from the uk but live in France.

Anxiety has been my enemy since childhood; just never recognised it as such!  I actually believe it really hit me when I was 21 and got married, because suddenly my life was not my own anymore.  I had been living with my gran for a couple of years, which was torture, but at the same time, to a certain extent, I did not have to do things that caused worry.

I am social phobic as well and would just rather shut myself in and forget about the world; but can't!

What is attacking me at the moment is the aging process!  Since there is nothing I can do, this is really distressing me because I know well that a stressed heart is the cause of premature aging - so for me a vicious circle.

I am slightly illness phobia but was a lot worse in the past - and can calm myself down.

It tears me to my very soul that this anxiety won't leave me alone. I get anxious now if I know I have a lot to do, but am not doing, so procrastination is not really a problem.

There is tons more, but my mind is pretty blank right now!

[daffny]

I found this site while researching the progression of Gulf War Syndrome.  I am an Army Veteran I was honorably discharged in 1992.  I noticed the CFS almost immediately after returning from Iraq.  I was misdiagnosed with appendicitis while home on leave, I had what I know now was a genetically altered strain of E-coli.  It is antibiotic resistant and does not present symptoms until it is systemic, the first symptom is acute abdominal pain.  I initially thought that the CFS was just from having been so ill and having surgery, but it has progressively gotten worse over the years, along with many other symptoms including anxiety.  I fought getting on medication for years, but I had to give into it around 2005.  I am now chemically dependent on Clonazepam, and have to take sleeping pills in order to sleep.  I actually experience anxiety at the idea sleeping and don't take the sleep meds regularly.  I have problems with depression as well, but antidepressants make me suicidal, and I refuse to keep trying different ones.  I prefer to have a terrible temper instead, although I do try to control it, or remove myself from the situation.  I have become very isolative over the last few years, which is the complete opposite of my normal personality.

[moonie91]

Anxiety and depression have been a challenge for me basically my whole life.  I’ve always had two distinct sides to my personality (being a Gemini, it makes sense).  I can be very outgoing, positive, and confident.  The other side is fearful, shy, nervous and a worry wart.  I can remember being this way as a child too.
At age eight I was diagnosed as having epilepsy.  I had several grand mal seizures. It took the docs and my parents a while to figure out what was going on, but I’d have them at night in bed.  I’d also have “auras”.  (epileptic aura  a type of simple partial seizure, experienced as a subjective sensation or motor phenomenon, that sometimes signals an approaching generalized or complex partial seizure.)  So I got diagnosed and was put on Dilantin.  After a year I was weaned off it as I had a couple normal EEG’s. 
My anxiety disorder really started in the months following being weaned off the Dilantin.  At the time I didn’t know what it was, my mom didn’t know either, but I do remember full-blown attacks, racing thoughts, strange behaviors and scary thoughts.  I asked my mom to hide the knives so I wouldn’t stab anyone.  My dad tried to take me to see the movie Ghostbusters, and I freaked out and had to be taken home.  I still remember how angry he was, and how ashamed and afraid I felt. I didn’t know what it was…and no one else did either.  As I write this I am crying thinking about how bad I felt.  I didn’t get a lot of time to spend with my dad and so it was always our “thing” to do.  He’d take me to a show.  He worked a lot and worked swing shift so there weren’t too many opportunities to just hang with my dad.  He bought me a Snickers bar too.  It’s weird the things you remember.  Anyhow, that ended the father-daughter outings and I wasn’t able to go to a movie till I was a teenager.
Off and on I would have bouts of panic and anxiety but I didn’t discover what it was till I was in my twenties.  I got married at 23 and really didn’t have panic attacks any more.  I did go on Paxil for depression off and on (pretty mild though, not really bad depression).  I had real concerns in my life though, so I think I was too busy.  My husband and I were poor college students, and he was source of worry and trouble.  After eight years of marriage we discovered that he had Bi-Polar Disorder.  He was taking an antidepressant and had a full-blown psychotic break with reality.  He thought he was God and wanted to take myself and my son to heaven with him.  After his diagnosis our marriage lasted only another year and a half.  He had other issue too.  He was emotionally and verbally abusive, and I had lost a bunch of weight and decided to have a life.  That didn’t sit too well with him.
I left him in 2006 and moved back to Iowa from Florida.  I got a job, was living with my mom, and was raising my son.  I had some trouble with anxiety again…a couple of really bad, full blown attacks.  I went to the doc and got medicine and it seemed to be smooth sailing from then on…until 2008/2009.  I started a new job and noticed I was having anxiety again.  I didn’t go on Paxil this time around and just dealt with it the best I could.  My son was having trouble in school (he has PDD-NOS which basically means he is not Autistic per say but has behaviors’ that are on the spectrum), my dad was having some health problems, and my ex-husband was being a pain in my 0104.  I had a tummy tuck/hernia operation in October 2009 and suffered quit a few complications.  A lot was going on in a very short time frame!
Well in April 2009 68 of us at my job were downsized.  Just two weeks before they told us we were doing fine, and then “bam”…you’re fired.
I got a nice severance, and qualified for unemployment so at first I wasn’t too worried.  I was actually excited in a way.  Unfortunately my anxiety increased ten-fold though during the subsequent three years or so it took me to find a “real” job.  I actually had to go back to school for computers to find a really good job.  During those 3 years I worked a couple of temp and seasonal jobs…anxious all the while.  I almost became house bound.  I could barely walk my son to the bus stop in morning.  I could be sitting in the living room watching tv and have a full-blown attack.  I began to become concerned for my health. Every ache or pain was cancer.  I did go to the doc and get anxiety medicine but I rarely took it.  I was afraid of it.  I had attacks while driving, so I was afraid to drive.  I’d have attacks at the mall or in a store.  So I was afraid of stores. I’d have a funny looking BM and I’d freak.
It got bad.  My boyfriend likes to go places on the weekend and he is really the reason I am not housebound today because he would literally drag me out kicking and screaming!
So basically since 2009 I have battled, coped with, tried to ignore, and lived with GAD and Panic Disorder.  There really hasn’t been a day that I don’t think about or have to deal with it.  I am so tired of it.  In the past I’d have “flare ups” but they would subside and I could think and feel “normal”.  This time not so much, but I am still here living the best way I can.  I just wish I could go into “remission”.  At least for a little while.

[TOman]

For as long as I remember, I have been dealing witha anxiety. From the days of elementary school kid, I was paranoid about what others thought of me. It carried on into my middle school, high school, then university. I started using heavy street drugs to escape (mask) it. Through time and open-mindedness, I was able to cope more and more until it eventually fades. I have released a debut studio album outlining my experiences with anxiety and depression and how I came over it. Feel free to check it out...maybe you can relate and it was very therapeutic for me so hope it may be the same for you. See below for the link...

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw3KGsfi43c       

[Cyber_Kitten]

My childhood was very horrible. Both of my parents were on meth when I was a toddler and I witnessed a lot of violence and rape. At 4, I had 2 of my own brothers molest me. When I was 9, I was molested by my mom's friend. At 12, my cousin molested me. At 14, I was raped 3 times in a period of 2 months. One of the men who raped me was my cousin. At this time, my mother was addicted to cocaine and she was married to my step father who was abusive towards me. This is when I tried to hurt myself the first time. I started out small. Cutting and drug abuse. Later on, I ended up pregnant at 16 and my anxiety actually seemed to progress. I married at 18 to my baby's father but our marriage was on the rocks. My anxiety came back when my husband left me last year. Worse than ever. I eventually had to send my son to his grandmother's because I couldn't handle the anxiety anymore. I couldn't even take care of my son because I was so tired and scared and crazy all the time. I was homeless for about 4 months. During this time, I became addicted to different pills and drank a lot. I was a wreck. Finally, in September of last year, I took a bottle full of Zoloft and landed myself in the cardiac center for 2 days. I talked the doctor into NOT sending me to the stress unit and just letting me go. As soon as I got out, I ran and got my son and shot straight up to Alaska where I live now. When I first got here, my anxiety was bad, but it wasn't that bad. I didn't have many stressers because I lived with family. However, after I moved out, the panic hit me like a sack of bricks. I would be fine and then BOOM. I'm struggling to breathe, my hands are numb, and I can't think straight. My chest constantly feels like it's caving in and my heart feels hurt. Like, I'm weighed down by something horrible. After I got with my bf recently, I thought the anxiety would get better. He even moved in in order to help me with things. But I still feel like I can't trust or depend on him as much as he begs me to. I feel like everything is on me all the time. My baby's daddy doesn't pay child support or even call him and I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just don't know what to do. Especially since I just found out that my dad has lung cancer about a month ago and my little cousin has cancer too. My family is VERY dysfunctional and I'm so traumatized by my childhood, 0119 attempt, and relationship problems that I can't focus on school, work, or my child. Help.

[Alleyalexa]

   :winking0008:Hi my name is alexandra, i am new here. Isuffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Istarted with 3 years ago but i didn't know what it was. I scared myself by thinking i had every sickness out there. until finally a year ago it subsided, but everything is comming back again. I had a big episode of panic attack that i called 911, and went to the hospital by ambulance. They did an ekg, chest x-ray, and blood work, everything came back good, but i was still afraid that there might be something wrong with my heart. I been having insomia for a week, my anxiety came back full force, with the feeling that im going crazy, out of it, derealization. after comming across this website i convinced myself that im not dying, and its my anxiety and panic attacks that came back. Im just having a real hard time with feeling out of it. I have a 3 year old and a 4 year old who need my attention constanty i have to make them go into thier room when i feel the anxiety and panic attacks come. My husband is tired of me, he does not know how to help me, so he just tells me to get on my knees and pray. I think it came back because i've been having problems with him to the point i was thinking of divorce and worrying about it too much. To top it off I have a interview on wednesday, and im praying i get it but then i worry whether i will be able to perform the job. I really need the job, due to finace problems as well. I know that vitamin B complex, and omega 3 helped last time unfortunely i won't be able to buy some soon due to money problems. I heard tart cherry juice helps with sleeping so i bought some and was able to sleep 5 hours, maybe longer if it wasn't for having 2 panic attacks one at midnight, and one at 2:30am. After i just let them pass, i was very sleepy went right back to bed, then my son for the past week has been having nightmares and comes in to bed with us, which means, i can't sleep comfortable.  I hope you all get better soon
 Alexandra   
 

[victoria2013]

I have not posted in forums before.  My story goes as follows... I am in my 30s and I think that my anxiety started when I was very young.  I spent my childhood in a war torn country and was exposed to violence both in and outside my home from an early age.  My mother raised us in various churches, most of which used fear of the devil and the end of the world as a means to recruit members.  In my early years I continously feared and developed an obsession of feeling like I was being watched by demons and had recurring nightmares.  I developed fear of the dark and whenever I am alone I sleep with the lights on.  When I am under stress I have problems sleeping and I feel constantly being watched.  I must mention that I am not religious. I left the church when I was 17.  When I am under stress I sometimes wake up as I hear voices whispering in my ears.  They feel and sound real but I know that I am only dreaming.  I down play all of this because it sounds kind of crazy and because it only happens maybe every few months. 

When I am under stress, which typically happens at least one per month (I have a very demanding job) my mind fixates on something that may be completely inconsequential that has happened during the day and blows it out of proportion and repeats it non-stop in my head like a broken record and I can't shake it off.  I can't make it stop.  For example, I fired a contractor who was doing renovations in my home the other day because he lied to us about a quote  and for two days my email exchange with him and my conversation with him kept looping in my head and I could not make it stop.  To put this in context, I deal with conflict at a much greater scale on a daily basis because it is my job to deal with people involved in conflicts, that's what I do for a living.  So firing a contractor is no big deal.  I sometimes feel that I am in agony and quite lonely.  I hide this and am very successful at hiding it from my husband and down playing things.  It's like there are two worlds going on.  One in my head and the constant anxiety that I sometimes  feel in the pit of my stomach and the other world out there where I am successful at my job, am a good wife and mother.   I went on antidepressants (wellbutrin) about a year ago and things have gotten a lot better - I used to have intrusive thoughts and those have almost stopped.  But the anxiety continues.  I eat healthy and walk every day.  Does anxiety ever stop?

[alwaysanxious16424]

I have been dealing with anxiety for 20+ years now and for the longest time I just dealt with it usually pot or booze.  When that didn't work I went to the doctor and she put me on Effexor which really helped for about 4 years then it just sorta stopped working, I thought I could handle my anxiety so she gave me Ativan .50 mg as needed.  I have done this for about 3 years now and have managed pretty okay.  I have gone through a break up of a 15 year relationship and my daughter getting hooked on pills and recovering I even got kicked outta nursing school and dealt with it all okay without pot or booze.    I do a lot of deep breathing, walking around, i tend to smoke alot when anxious but have been able to get thru it.  Since February my anxiety level has been thru the roof.  I found I have gallstones and supposed to have gallbladder out and surgeon has sent me for a series of heart/lung tests because i smoke, used to be ALOT heavier and family history of heart disease.  I havent been able to get it under control regardless of Ativan.  I went to doctor just today and she put me on Celexa 20mg.  I had to see regular family doctor because I cannot get into a psychriatrist until June and I am pretty sure I would of gone completely crazy before then.  I only know what I have read about this medicine...can anyone share any experiences with it.  Thanks so much