Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder

[SASKRS]

Hi - I have been suffering with anxiety for about 5-6 yrs. I believe it was brought on by being isolated as I worked from home and we were struggling with infertility.  I met with a counselor and took medication for about 1 year. They slowly brought me off meds as we were trying to get pregnant. I am now working at a job outside the home and through prayer, exercise, and slowing my life down, I have been able to handle my anxiety. We also have a wonderful 18 month old daughter so the infertility issue was resolved. However; the anxiety has recently come back and reared its ugly head.  I feel as if the minute I truly relax and let my guard down it comes back.  My father has also had some more health scares with heart issues and this past Tuesday coded during an angiogram and required CPR. Lots of stress... I am disappointed that the anxiety is back and at such a strong level... I wish I could maintain some level of relaxation...

[snking]

I have been on depression medicines since i was sixteen.. i was put in foster homes  from a bad home life.. i had my first child when i was 19, had some baby blues after that but stayed on my prozac then after my secon child i was into pot really bad had my first panic attack i couldn't breath my heart was racing just felt like i was dying I ended up calling 911 they told me it was a panic attack, ever since then i suffer from them, i had my third child and was doing ok..started working and staying on medication after another effexor, zoloft, now lexapro..i went to college got certified as a nursing assistant and thought everything was doing fine i even went off my lexapro..now the last couple months as soon as i get home from work i end up getting a panic attack..ive been off of work for over a week now  I caught mrsa and hate taking any medications because im afraid of them,,,i get real anxious, my chest feels like it is caving in, i feel like i can't breath my body feels numb like i can't move,, it feels like there is something wrong with me i haven't had a period since january and i worry that i have a health problem but my doctors say im fine.. everytime i have a panic attack something different happens each time, i get ringing in my ears and dizziness i don't know what to do if there is a reallly good medication out there please tell me cause its tearing me apart i don't want to go back to work i don't want to do anything just stay at home and i think my boyfriend is getting really disgusted please help

[joyce49]

   snking

Here is my story and it might help you to relate. First I have to say I tought I was the only one with the breathing  symptom. Ok, I am etting ahead of myself...

7 years ago, I was at work talking with someone, relaxed, nothing bothering me. Than I just took a breathe and noticed it wasnt quite getting through. So, I tried to take another one, it was getting worst. After an attempt to take a few breathes, I panicked. I didnt know what the heck was going on. I tought I was going to die right there and than.

It wouldnt get getter. For the next 2 days I had 2 or 3 times I breathed normally again. I felt such a relief. But than, bang....it hitted me again with a vengance.

I found myself at the ER completely panicky. Doctor dis a chest ray, blood tests mostly for the thyroide gland, checked my heart and finally said 'there is nothing wrong with you. You blew a fuse and need to see your family doctor'...well, thanks doc. 'What do I do till than' while looking at him and trying to take deep breathe. I swear it was like someone was sitting on my chest. he said 'dont think about it'!! 
Huh? Sorry doc, I just lost control of my body. I cant do the bsic which is breathing!

Anyway, fast forward a few days later, since it wasnt getting better and I had a HUGE panick attack, went to the ER crying. I was really scared. I tought I was going to go nuts and die. Again, got checked but this time they gave me oxygen to see if I was going to be better. didnt work at all!
So, finally doctor told me it was anxiety and prescribed ativan.

This kind of scenario must of happened about I would say....6-7 times in a month period.

Finally, I started effexor and klonopin and it took a long time but the symptom was more bearable and sometimes I was completely fine. But more downs than ups I must say.

Thank god I was never as bad a shape again as in the beginning but its a constant struggle. I dont think there is a magic pill. The meds help when the symptoms becomes unbareable so you can at least have some breating space (literally in my case).

I'm now off Effexor as it gave me thyroide problems and been on zoloft for 10 days. Yesterday wasnt good. I was suffocating most of the day than fine but I know it takes a few weeks for the med to really kick in. But I also will get some CBT which will help too.

So, this is my story in a nutshell.

Thank you for reading.
Joyce

[Lindsay24]

Okay here I go.....

This is the first time I have ever made an effort to talk to others regarding my anxiety, other than my mom probably. I believe that my anxiety problems began when I was about 9 years old. It started as a paralyzing fear of lightning, to the point that I couldn't bring myself to function during lightning storms. That lasted for about a year or so until I was stuck in a storm and was forced to "face the fear" so to speak. The fear of lightning went away but it seems like the fear has always manifested as something new. By the time I began high school I was diagnosed with depression. I tried cutting my hand with a house key during class. I tried to hide it from my parents but my brother found out and told them, and I began counseling and began taking Zoloft. Soon after this I think, I began to develop stomach ulcers. I was on ulcer medicine for about 4 years. It was after I stopped taking Zoloft that I think my anxiety attacks started. I didn't have the sinking depression feeling anymore, but an intense fear instead. I had frequent panic attacks, to the point that I would hyperventilate. It happened a lot while I was at school, especially while moving through the cafeteria or large crowds. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but after high school everything seemed much easier, and the anxiety attacks subsided for the most part. I still have always maintained an extreme sense of worry, especially when it comes to school. During finals I tend to feel like I'm on the verge of a complete emotional collapse. I have been found crying in the bathtub at one point because I ended with a B....

Lately, my anxiety has seemed to worsen. What is odd about it is that a lot of very good things have happened in my life. I am about to graduate finally, and have just been promoted at work. However I wake up every day with a feeling a dread. The pit in my stomach won't go away, I'm not sleeping well, and every small thing that happens that may pose the smallest problem is overwhelming. I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what it is that is causing the anxiety, and I don't even know anymore. There isn't a single incident anymore it just feels like a state of being lately. I'm hoping that talking to others that understand may help me pinpoint it and regain control.

[kaystrat2010]

My first real panic attack happened after smoking cannibis and meeting up with someone I have never really hung out with but have talked over the phone....BIG MISTAKE RIGHT THERE. Thought I was the type of girl who could handle it but turns out I had a huge panic attack and ended up running away from him. Still was in the attack for 7 hours later. Weed, not a smart thing to do. I dont drink so I am okay there. But I am a very Realistic and very Deep of a thinker. I should have nothing to do with drugs. Ever since then I still get them and they are a huge pain in the blank!

[estela]

Hi  all,

I am 29f and should be very happy with my life.  I have a great husband and beautiful home and a career.  I don't remember always feeling this way.  Growing up i was always very quiet and shy but i don't remember having anxiety.  Lately I feel so lost and I feel like I am just going through the motions of life.  My first panic attact started when I bought my house.  Eversince I graduated from college I feel like I went to school for something I don't really like but at the same time I don't know what else to do.  I feel like running so far away at times but I know i have to face my life.  I feel that I am not smart, or capable of doing the things I do and feel trapped.  I am constantly thinking of the next situation i am going to face and if i will be able to do it.  I feel lost and scared because i can't live my life in a state of panic!

[Sarkie mom]

Hi,

I don't even know where to begin, this is the first time I write on a forum about my anxiety.  I started suffering from anxiety/panic attacks back in November.  I had heart palpitations and heart racing so fast that I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.  I spent the night plugged on heart monitors, my heart rate was 150bpm.  They performed tests to rule out thyroid issues and pulmonary embolism.  After CT scan of the lungs and heart ultrasound, they sent me home saying it was stress.  I have 3 kids, one of them suffers from a chronic illness (she is only 5 y.o.).  I guess this does not really help for stress.  Anyway, after that episode in the ER, I was fine until about June.   I was prescribed anti-depressants, which I have not taken yet.  I want to go in therapy first and see if I can control my anxiety without the meds.  In my case, it seems that the anxiety gets worse the week before my period, the symptoms I usually get are difficulty breathing, dizzy, heart rate out of control, chest pain, tingling in fingers, insomnia and the feeling that the floor is moving, it is so scary.  What I fear the most are the heart palpitations, they drive me crazy and I always think "this is it, I will die".  I had them last month and they lasted for a week.  I went to the doctor about 5 times because I was so sure it was a heart problem and that the doctor was missing something.   

Sometimes, I am also afraid to go out alone with the kids in case I have a panic attack in the store and faint right there.  I am hoping therapy will help me, because I have a wonderful family and do not want to ruin their life because of my anxiety.

[RangerDanger]

I don't know if anyone reads this thread anymore, but I do... so I owe it to those whom I've read about to contribute something of my own.  You'll have to excuse my penchant for the dramatic storytelling, I am fond of such things.


My name's Jon, and I have always been a worrier.  I was raised Catholic in South Florida, and I can remember very well my first panic attack.  It came on suddenly when I was about seven.  I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, while my parents were watching TV in the living room.  All I remember was death suddenly filling my head... like all at once the happiness of my youth disappeared and was replaced by the looming mortality of myself and my loved ones.  I remember thinking that I was the youngest and therefore most likely to outlive everyone else (a juvenile ideal to be sure), and couldn't stand the thought of being alone.  What would happen when I died?  Where would I go, because I was never sure of my salvation, even then (again... Catholic)?  The night ended as I began screaming in my bed that I didn't want to die.  "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die," echoing through our house as my parents came rushing in to see what was going on.  My mom sat in bed with me until I fell asleep, and I remember the next morning things were different.

My mom set up a meeting with the head priest at our church/my school and I remember sitting in his office anxiously.  I wanted this man to tell me that my family and I would never die, and that I therefore never had anything to worry about.  I think I've been looking for someone to tell me that ever since.  When he came in, he asked me what was going on, and why I was so scared.  He told me about heaven, and how Jesus promised us paradise in the Bible.  He actually typed up a packet with every time the Bible mentions heaven in it, and gave it to me so I could read it and be comforted.  I left his office, and knew that it wouldn't help. 

Fast forward two and a half years.  Add a little sibling.

I had developed into a fairly worrisome kid after that point.  I never played too rough, for fear of broken bones.  I never climbed too high, for fear of a nasty fall.  I never swam too deep for fear of... you get the idea.  All in all I was a good kid though, albeit a little timid.  My new little sister had recently turned one, and at that junction my parents decided it'd be best to move somewhere less... shady (South Florida, they felt, wasn't the best place to raise their kids).  The locale most appropriate was found in Cincinnati Ohio... home of Goodness-knows-what...  I was devastated to say the least.  I had no interest in moving, and least of all to a state I hardly knew existed.  I think that helped my anxiety along a considerable amount.

I won't bore you with the next few years, but suffice to say I went from worrisome youth to worrisome adolescent.  Still not debilitating though.

Not debilitating that is, until my eighth grade year.  I started having some pains in my side, and somehow got it into my head that I had appendicitis.  I obsessed so heavily that I frequently missed school, for fear that my appendix would burst while I was in class (although wouldn't that be a better place than being home alone... one would think).  I was constantly prodding and probing my sides and belly to see if I felt any pains... of course if you prod and probe anything too much, you'll get sore.  I'm sure we all know this quite well by now.  I spent months believing I had appendicitis... But I never got it.  I got better over the summer.  Lack of structure used to help me because at that point, my anxiety never went beyond a specific stimulus, and most of the time that stimulus was school.  I was comfortable at home playing Super Nintendo (or was it N64 at that point... I've lost track).

The next year marked the true beginning of my obsessive, irrational hypochondria (as I would later learn its name).  I was sick one day, and had to stay home from school.  Nothing too epic, just a stomach bug.  I remember throwing up one morning, and my parents yelling at me because I didn't make it to the bathroom.  What a mess.  That scolding stuck with me so deeply that over the next few months, I developed a very very debilitating fear of throwing up.  That year I missed 48 days of school.  I was probably legitimately sick for 5.

By the end of that year I started getting therapy, and after being put on a couple different meds, I felt better.  The anxiety ebbed and I started to become a normal teenager.  By the time I graduated, you never would have known such a fearful person existed inside of me.  But he was inside of me.  It became only too evident a couple years later.  (dramatic music)

I've left out a few personal details with the intention of centering this saga around my battle with anxiety.  It is necessary at this point to mention that I am a musician, and have been my whole life.  I've played in bands since I was 14, and recorded 2 CDs before graduating high school.  Moving on...

Winter 2004/05, someone (without an anxiety disorder) convinced me that meds were bad.  She was a girl, and I liked girls, so of course I listened.

In the summer of 2005, I was contacted by a band who was looking for a new singer.  They had heard me in the past, and wanted me to come try out.  They were looking with urgency because in three weeks they had to leave to play a series of Warped Tour dates.  I jumped at the opportunity and was welcomed into the band.  We hit it off fairly well and in three weeks I hit the road with 4 guys I didn't know existed only a month prior.  Warped Tour went really well, and we were asked to sign on with a decent management team out of LA.  We recorded a CD and were booked for a 2 month, 60 city tour for the winter.  All of my dreams were coming true... I was so happy.

After a week on the road I became less happy.  Everyone was getting sick, and I started to have strange chest pains.  The thought entered my head that 'if you have a heart attack in the middle of nowhere, you will probably die'.  Seeing as how 90% of our driving time was in the middle of nowhere, I felt like my chances of expiration had just skyrocketed.  Things snowballed from there and I eventually found myself in an emergency room in Seattle with doctors telling me I wasn't dying.  That night we slept in the van and our thermometer read 14 degrees when I woke up.  I don't like the cold. 

Meanwhile our bass player, who was at that time a cancer survivor, had gotten really sick, and over the next couple days would get progressively worse.  The tour ended when doctors found a tumor the size of a soda can in his left lung.  Unfortunately he lost his battle on October 6th, 2006.  If you'd like to know more about his amazing story type 'Brad Andress' into youtube.

By the time we got back home I felt it best that I leave the band, and try to get back into some kind of therapy.  Over the next few months I got better, and stayed on my meds until 07, when again, I felt like I didn't need them.

I moved around a few times over the next couple years, and had a very nasty bout with my HA again two years ago.  It actually cost me my job, and several good friends.

I can honestly say that I'm sick of this disease.  I'm sick of it, because I allow it to control me, and I'm sick of it because it can.  I think I'm finally ready to acknowledge that I may need meds forever, and that's ok.  I don't know what the next big fear will be, but I'm happy I've found this website, because I think I have a better chance of handling it well knowing that there are other people out there who feel similarly.  Sorry to have wasted the time of whoever decided to read this whole story, I wish it could have been more interesting.  If anyone ever needs to talk, you can always find an open ear in me, because I think most of us feel better when we communicate what's troubling.  I know I do.  Here's hoping we all find peace in ourselves.

[DALINA]

  I am 31 years old, I was diagnose with GAD 2 months ago, my whole family is going through a lot of stress because of me  and that is not helping me to recover since I am worrying about them all the time.

My 11 year old is presenting now some symptoms of anxiety and my 6 year old is coping the situation with anger.
 
I am taking Lexapro and Xanax and it helps a lot but I wonder if I ever will be the same. We have take some steps taking mi oldest son to the psycologist for therapy, but the feeling of lonliness and helpness is there.

 any hope?

thanks
Dalina

[jjambow]

my name is joe, i've been married for 22 years, have 2 wonder daughters. i was into realesta investment around 3 years ago, i was upto 3 four families and 5 single houses. this is when my life hit bottom, i had to file bankruptcy on all properties beside my own house, i lost over $800,000 in the bankruptcy. this is when the anxiety started for me. durning the time i was filing the bankruptcy i was going thru anxiety symtoms and didn't realize to afterwards. about one year after the bankruptcy i woke up and i was trembling like a scalded dog, i couldn't stop, the my heart started racing, before i knew i thought i was having a heartattack and my wifr rushed me to the emergency room, ran test, gave me ativian and said i was having a bad anxiety attack, i looked at the doctor and said what is that, never felt like this even when i was in the army. now i suffer almost daily with anxiety symtoms, from trembling to fear and can't focus, getting better since i've been on med's. i will conquor this thing with GOD'S help and wisdom. all i know i can't this thing rule my life. thanks for listening. joe

[Elena]

Hi all!

I have to be honest, I don't really want to post because I am feeling okay today so far, and talking about it, sometimes makes it worse, but then I have been reading all of your posts and they are the reason I feel so OK today...then I also read DALINA'S post asking if there is hope?  SO I think I owe it to any sufferer to post.

DALINA, there IS hope.  I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder when I was 21 (now 32).  It stayed for 2 years...and it was 2 years of hell.  I refused to take meds and sought cognitive behavioral therapy.  It worked...I was fantastic, or as us sufferers call it "normal", for about 6 years...then it came back, but I kicked the sh*t out of it in about a week.  Again, I was "normal" for about 5 years and just a month ago, I ran to the ER and have been to 3 doctors since.  And as we all know, they all say I am perfectly fine...well, I don't feel fine, that's for sure.  Unbelieveable exhaustion, diarrhea, heart palpatations, depersonalization etc. etc.  BUT BUT BUT...what I do know, is as awful as I feel, I know darn well that I AM FINE.  Sure, can I really believe that all the time?  No.  But I do know it in the back of my mind.  I have kicked this before and I will do it again.  It CAN be done, stay positive and STRONG.

My prayers with all of you!  We can do this!  God will never give us what we cannot handle.

[miranda]

Hi everyone
                   I am a 34 year old mom of 4.  My husband is a Pastor and we love what we do. I am anxious about most things including ministry things But God has always been very good to me and has helped me in my deepest darkest moments. 

My most common side effect is depersonalization and derealization.  I actually thought that dpdr was my only prob. for a long time. I didn.t realize it was anxiety related.  I used to faint when I was a teen but I grew out of that. Iguess I sometimes wish I'd faint instead fainting use to erase all of the anxiety instantly because anyone and everything around me would see I was no lnger able to do whatever it was that was stessing me out.

I have good moments and bad moments. I give God the glory for helping me with my anxiety and I realize It would be much worse without His help.  I'm thankful  for all my blessing and believe that is what has kept me going.

I am excited about this site Because everyone is very helpful instead of being down all the time
I really need that and I hope that I could be helpful to some others while I am here

thanks for listening

[shyguy]

Hi I am 16 years old,

       I've been nervous ever since I went to highschool. I've only had one anxiety attack, but it was recent (yesterday). It felt like nothing I had experience before. I honestly thought I was suffering from a medical condition. I couldn't breathe, my chest started feeling intense, and my whole body went numb. My mom drove me to the hospital where they gave me some oxygen. A few minutes later they told me I was having an anxiety attack. The most confusing part was that same day, I was feeling fine and it was actually a really good day (until I had that anxiety attack of course). I always struggled to maintain my calmity in any situation. I am still confused on how to maintain relaxation. The doctor told me that I shouldn't take any medication since I am underage and I am more susceptible in becoming dependant on the medication. So now I am going to a physician/psychologist to learn how to prevent anxiety ASAP.

[SASKRS]

Hey Shyguy,

Hang in there. Hope you find this site useful.

[keya]

Hi everyone,

I'm 19, and currently studying at university full time. I've had anxiety issues since I was 4, constantly worrying over "everything yet nothing"... if you understand my meaning. From the age of 6 - 9 I would throw up most mornings because I was so overly anxious, we went to a doctor, that only made it worse...then for some reason it just stopped for about a year, then started coming back in small doses, where I would wake up during the night feeling sick and shaking... it was rare however that I'd actually make myself be sick though, then again it stopped, and I was pretty good, until the end of year 7, when I was 13 and one of my best friends died.

This was the first time I ever really realised my anxiety was more than just pure worry. One of my best friends was hit by a car when she was walking home from school. I was meant to be walking with her but had left before her because she wanted to stay behind and talk to the teacher about an assignment and I needed to get home... that night on TV there were reports of a girl from my school being dead, having been hit by a car. That was the first night when I woke up during the night and couldn't catch my breath, thought the air was draining from my body, thankfully my mum has experienced anxiety attacks before, and was able to calm me before it got of hand. The next day at school all my friends came rushing over to me bursting with tears, everyone who hadn't heard it was my friend who was hit, thought it was me. After that I didn't have a single night for 2 months where I slept right through....

Since then I've been to see school counsellors, who each seemed to really help me out for periods of time, but my anxiety has still never stopped, after a few months it would come back and hit me hard... nights where I woke shaking, sweating, feeling like this non existant brick wall was pressing against my chest, letting all the air escape. I'm a person however since I don't like swallowing pills, will try almost any other way to calm myself, stop me from sleeping badly. I became kind of OCD, where things would have to be put in the exact right place for me to be able to sleep well... I got used to that, and so I actually slept ok... getting at least 5 hours sleep. However since it continued into my last years at highschool...year 11 & 12 (so what we call in Australia, "college") where I was needing to study heaps for all my exams over the two years, my mum really began noticing that I needed to do something about this. So I went and saw a psychologist for 7 sessions... we went over a lot during that time, trying to pin point the real cause of my anxiety... the list of things that worried me was so long however...she diagnosed me as having 'severe generalised anxiety' meaning that my anxiety is caused by multiple things. We did lots of worksheets and went over various forms that may help me if I feel so overly anxious that I think it won't end. Since then I've only experienced one major panic attack, and have only had a few reallyyrestless nights.However, during these past few months I can feel it grasping more harshly again...the only thing I've found that really helps me is by writing, for some reason it's the only thing that clears my head...and so here I am..

[amber26]

Hi everybody!
      My anxiety started when i was a senior in highschool. My school had been receiving bomb threats rather frequently and so this required an evacuation of the entire school and we watched as the swat team and police came with police dogs and searched our school. I had never felt in danger at school before it was more like a home away from home but once these started happening it brought on these anxious thoughts. Around this time is when my OCD started as well because whenever i felt anxious i did my OCD rituals to make myself feel better. I went to a therapist close to home and after a few sessions decided that I didnt need therapy mainly because i didnt like my therapist. After high school i went to college 5 hours away from home. It was extremely hard for me to adjust at school and my panic attacks only got worse. I was having multiple attacks a day so i decided to seek counseling at the school. I met a great counselor who really helped with my anxiety and made me look at it in a more positive way. At the same time,  as this was going on I had a therapist back home that had prescribed 10 mg of Lexapro and .5mg of Lorazepam whenever i needed it . Once on the Lexapro i was feeling great and my therapy sessions at school were working really well for me. For the rest of my freshman year my anxiety had its ups and downs. There would be times when i would be so positive i could get through my attacks and worries but its hard to stay positive all the time so there were other times where i would have entire bad weeks where i felt anxious and out of whack. So now its my second year at college and I am still on the meds. I am trying to be very positive and meditate and talk to others who understand what i am going through. I dont drink anything with caffeine in it and i quit smoking cold turkey about two months ago. I have a meeting with a new therapist next week so i am hoping that he can help me get through my problems and fears and eventually reach a place where i feel safe and happy.

[barbwyre]

Hi - I posted on here a while ago, but it sank into oblivion.

A lot of what I've been reading sounds like my situation.

I think I've always had some low-level GAD, but it started becoming worse about the age of 30 or so.

As usual, certain events can trigger the low-level GAD to high-level.

I have a sibling "Dana" with severe mental disorders, who can also be very violent.  When my mother was alive she had to get a protective order against Dana because Dana threatened repeatedly to kill her.  Needless to say, contact with Dana is very stressful.  It can range from slightly unpleasant to downright terrifying.  Or at least, that's the way I see it.

Dana hasn't contacted me since my birthday, and before that I hadn't heard anything since Christmas.  But suddenly this week I've received three e-mails from Dana.  They were just those generic e-mails that people send out - I'd already seen all of them before.  All three of them were sent to a bunch of Dana's associates, not just me.  But I still find it upsetting that for some reason Dana is suddenly sending out e-mails to people, and that I'm on the list.  I prefer to stay off the radar.  I wonder if this sudden onslaught of communication signifies a shift in Dana's mental state.

Rationally I know that my fears are worst-case scenarios that are extremely unlikely.  We don't even live in the same state.  My fears that Dana will "come after me" and do something violent are 99.9% groundless.  But the fear still takes over my life.  Everyone tells me to just "forget about it," but HOW do I just forget about it?

Now I'm afraid to even open my e-mail account.  Just because Dana sent me the same old e-mail complaining about Daylight Savings Time that probably half of you have already seen.

I take Clonazepam, which helps a lot.  I've seen a couple of therapists, but pretty much everything they said was stuff you can find in your average women's magazine.  Anyway, right now I'm very nervous, and haven't been able to concentrate on my work.  Even though I know it's ridiculous.

And when I'm not worrying about "Dana," I worry about losing my job.

Thanks for letting me ramble!

[Hanna]

I have been anxious for my entire life and, I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have a highly over-active imagination. When I was little, I would have trouble sleeping at night because I was certain that extraterrestrials were going to abduct me and pull out my eye balls. Also, I would worry that a demon could sleep on my chest when I was sleeping at night so, I only slept on my stomach in order to avoid it. I also created a barricade of stuffed animals around me, confident that they could keep out anything evil...Until I was ten and realized my stuffed animals could be evil, so I would talk to them and be nice to them so they wouldn't know that I was onto their plans to murder me in my sleep.

Today, I don't worry about things like that. Although, I do have chronic nightmares which are rather gruesome..

I think my anxiety got especially worse when I was nine, and witnessed a family friend jump out of our moving vehicle to his death. Since then, I have a difficult time riding in cars and have not learned to drive for fear that I will die in an automobile accident.

In the fifth grade, I had no friends and was incessantly picked on by my classmates. They called me things like "buck-toothed beaver" or "rabbit" and would shove meabout during recess. For that reason, I have gradually become less distrustful of other people and more self-involved. Obviously, I have social issues as well.

Anyhow, I am always worried about something. For instance, when I was going to high school for my freshman year, I had chronic twitches in my head because I was so tense and worried all of the time. Also, I would get incredibly nauseous and anxious whenever my bus was nearing the school.

My anxiety towards people began to decrease after my sophomore year, when I had found myself and decided I wasn't going to be a fake for anyone. However, I achieved this by not having many friends, which wasn't the best approach...I instead focused solely on my education- studied habitually and rarely did anything social outside of school. So, the remainder of my high school experience consisted of me beating myself down whenever I didn't get an "A", or obsessing over the possibilities of me failing a class. I obsessed over things like that so much that my stomach constantly hurt, and I would occasionally have spasms in my abdomen.

When I started dating, I always thought my boyfriend was cheating on me, or that he planned to. I would call him up at random moments and if I knew he was with a girl, I would start shaking really bad and feel chilled all over. It was like I had to know everything about my boyfriend in order to feel comfortable, which is absolutely ridiculous.

This previous term, I started going to school at Lewis & Clark college, which was a huge slap in the face for me. I suddenly began doubting my abilities as a student because I wasn't getting "A's" on every paper I turned in. I came very close to dropping out of college altogether, because I was so ridiculously worried that my grades proved I was an idiot.

Once I got out of school for summer break (with a 3.4 GPA xD), I went straight into hypochondria. I thought I was pregnant for an entire month because my previous period had been unusually light. I went through four different pregnancy tests, and also went to the doctor to have him test me (I figured his would be better xD); all of the tests came out negative but, I actually started to believe that the doctor lied to me about his test results because he knew I would get an abortion! So, it wasn't until my period started that I felt relieved. Then, one day at work, it suddenly hit me that I didn't know if one of my ex's had HIV. So, for many weeks I obsessed over the possibility that I might have HIV. I looked up statistics, looked up all the people my ex had ever been with, had my lymph nodes checked....I was so convinced I had it that I would literally wake up in the morning and my first thought would be "I have HIV."

After I was in a car wreck two Fridays ago, it suddenly hit me that I could die in a moment so, why worry about HIV? And I realized the likelihood of someone my age being HIV positive is fairly low. Obviously, it took a scare like a vehicular accident to wake me up from my hysteria.

However, now, I think I am pregnant again. I took a pregnancy test, it came out negative, but I don't believe it.

I had to respond because you made me laugh (not at you but at your stories and your cute way of writing them). You remind me of myself when I was younger (I'm 40). Hah, I was so worried at night about monsters and such that I slept every and all night of my childhood on my back with the blankets pulled around my head with only my nose peeking out. I was also scared of a doll I had, so before going to bed I would tell her lots of sweet stories about how beautiful she was and end with, "please don't hurt me". I had terrible nightmares every night. Those have gone away with time. I've always thought my actions were due to abuse I was facing in my home... but maybe it's from the anxiety disorder. I do know from reading literature from NARSAD scientists that anxiety can be created from stressful situations in childhood; it apparently permanently changes the brain... thus it's so important for us to work to prevent child abuse since abuse and other stressful events in children have long lasting repercussions for our society.

Like you, I also worried too much in college and would get constant stomach aches due to the fear/worrying. I did finally end up getting a BA in Economics but it took a long time because I typically dropped my classes right at the end of the semester (after doing most of the work)... I would have about 3 BA degrees now if I had just finished those last 2 weeks of school each time; the anxiety just became too crippling right at the end.

I've always worried (and still do) that I do things wrong, or will do things wrong, with friends and they'll reject me. I worry so much that I end up isolating them anyway. I really hate this the most about myself and wish I could make it stop.

[paigeOT]

Hi!! I'm so happy I found this website, I feel as though no one understands me. My anxiety started soon after I graduated college or at least thats when it got so bad that I couldn't function. I've always had a little anxiety and OCD but never like I do now. I'm 26 years old and just got my Masters Degree, I'm ready to start working and finally do everything I've been waiting to do......but I have also just been diagnosed with "Anxiety Disorder with an OCD tendency", so this has really slowed me down. It got to the point where I couldn't leave my room because I thought I was going to have a panic attack, and sure enough, I finally got the courage to leave and go out for drinks with the girls and once I got to down town I couldn't get out of the car, I had to call my mom and have her help talk me down. I have a lot of OCD when it comes to thinking I have an illness. I often will symptom check and google symptoms I "Think" I have to see what disease I have. I have gone to the doctor numerous times and I am starting to think that they are on to me and know that I have anxiety disorder and therefore don't take me seriously. The aspect that is hardest for me is that I am a medical professional and I realize that my worries of illness have no base in reality , yet once I get fixated on the fact that a tingle in my arm or leg is no longer "just a tingle" say goodbye to all logic both professionally and common sense. Thankfully, I started seeing a therapist and she put me on xanex!!! I am only taking it "as needed" right now but I read one of the earlier posts and saw that someone said they take it as it was perscribed daily. I think thats a good idea because once I start obsessing about an illness, a panic attack is soon to follow and by then I have to wait for the xanex to kick in and this can be a long process.....hopefully over time I can learn to control and work with my anxiety disorder 

[PrincessOmega]

Here goes....I have never really opened up and been able to tell anyone my story due to the fear of thinking no-one understands.

I think it all started when I was 'touched up' by my step father, who I trusted and respected and saw as a father figure. I became depressed and worried that no-one would believe me or that I would ruin my mother's relationship, and she would blame me. This was when I was around 13 years old, so I started to drink, have sex and smoke Cannabis. Then one evening when I was smoking Cannabis I had a really bad attack, out of body experience, nearly stabbed someone the works. I was taken to hospital and had to stay in for a day I believe. During this time I told the ambulance staff what my step father had done and they called Social Services. I had to tell my mum the story and it all went downhill from then. He denied everything and I started to doubt what happened, and whether I imagined it.

After that I still kept smoking until I started feeling anxiety, having panic attacks, feeling like things were not real etc. I then got into a relationship which was fuelled with lies, domestic violence and cheating.

I am now 23 years old. I am still in this relationship but things have gotten better. He is in prison at the moment and things have been stressful. I am missing out vital parts, but the main thing is I now suffer with anxiety. At present I think I have a brain tumour and I'm going to die. I have had a headache for the last week and I think that this is a symptom of my tumour. I am hoping it is due to my anxiety but haven't been to the doctor yet. Things are hard, I can't sleep and cry every night. I'm dying for a way to feel better and this site is slowly helping me. I just wish that I didn't have to feel in a dream all the time, could sleep without the fear of not waking up, and be able to not feel out of body. I really do not want to take medication, as for years I have been able to bring myself back. If anyone has any techniques which does not involve medication would be gratefully appreacited. Thanks

[angels108]

HELLO EVERYONE
I'D LIKE TO SHARE MY STORY. I HAVE ANXIETY GAD PTSD OCD AND AGORAPHOBIA.I GUESS IT ALL STARTED WHEN I WAS 5, MY UNCLE DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT MY GRANDMA TELLS ME I WAS IN AND OUT THE ER THINKING I WAS CHOKING ON SOMETHING THAT WASN'T EVEN THERE.AS A CHILD I WAS RAISED BY MY GRANDPARENTS, MOM AND DAD ABDONED ME, THEN I TRIED TO LIVE MY MOM FOR 6 MONTHS IT DID'T WORK SHE WAS ABUSIVE SO MY GRANDPARENTS MOVED WITH THEM AN HOUR AWAY FROM WHERE I GREW UP SO I HAD TO START HIGHSCHOOL MY JR YR  WITH A BUNCH OF STRANGERS IT SUCKED.SO AT THE AGE OF 17 HERE COMES THE PANIC AND ANXIETY ALL OVER AGAIN. AT THE TIME I HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS I WAS IN AND OUT THE ER EVERY OTHER WEEK THINKING I WAS DYING SO I WENT THRU A PHASE OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL AND THAT DID'T MAKE IT GO AWAY DRUGS JUST MADE THEM WORSE AND WHEN I WOKE UP AFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKING WITH A HANGOVER THE ANXIETY WAS WORSE. THEN I WAS IN TWO ALMOST FATAL CAR ACCIDENTS WHLE DRIVING WITH FRIENDS LUCKY IM HEAR TO TALK ABOUT THEM NOW.I LOST MY GRANADFATHER(MY DAD)SOME YEARS AGO AND THAT IS STILL A HARD THING TO DEAL WITH NOW I FELL LOST WITHOUT HIM.THEN AT THE AGE OF 17 I HAD MY FIRST BORN AND ENED UP WITH POST PARDUM DEPRESSION TO A ABUSIVE MAN WHO DRANK AND DID DRUGS ALL THE TIME. BUT MORE RECENTLY I'VE BEEN HOSPITALIZED 3 TIMES IN THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF AND THAT DIDN'T DO ME ANY GOOD THEY JUST TOOK THE XANAX AWAY BECAUSE THE SAID I WAS OVER THE THERAPUTIC DOSE, NOW IM ON CELEXA AND VISTERAL. SO NOW EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP IN A PANIC SO I DONT LIKE GETTING OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING BECAUSE IM SO SCARED OF HAVING THESE ATTACKS, I HAVE AGORAPHOBIA SO I HATE LEAVING MY HOUSE SO I NEED SOMEONE WITH ME, I HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME BEING HOME ALONE FEARING SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME SO IM CONSTANTLY TRING TO FIND SOMEONE TO KEEP ON THE PHONE AND NOW ITS SO HARD ON MY FAMILY THEY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME AND MY FIANCE JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I CANT LEAVE THE HOUSE AND WHY IM SO SCARED I HOPE BY JOINING THIS SITE IT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENT,MEETING PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND ME

[NYButterfly]

Mine started in 2004. I was getting my eyebrows waxed of all things, something I did regularly. My heart started pounding and I felt extremely out of it. They had to call of an ambulance because I though I was dying. I stayed overnight and they determined it was anxiety/panic related. They ran every heart test you could imagine and everything came out great. After then I was still alright till some months down the road then I went to my doctor to talk to her about it as it started happening more often. I was good to go till I ended up moving back home in 2005 due to loss of a job. I had to move in with my mother, I was 31. Huge chance for me. I had gotten into a bit of financial trouble as well. My dad took over and helped me work it all out and a budget. I had no choice but to get a job, whatever I could get. I ended up getting a job at a pharmacy. I struggled daily with anxiety and panic. Constantly thinking I was dying, felt out of it, pressure on my head. I seriously though something was wrong with me even though I was constantly told I'm find and it's just anxiety. Just? I had gone to the ER once for the pressure on my head and they found nothing. Came to the conclusion I had major tension. I really don't know what else to call it. I lived there for about a year then I finally found a job back where I was in my field. I started the new job out rough and with the newness of it I experienced fear of leaving the house if anything were to happen to me. I'm a nanny and take care of children. This is not something you want to worry about. As time went on it got better. I was on a med but then was taken off as I was doing great but about 2 years ago I was put back on it on a regular basis. I've worked my way through some of it and not being afraid to go out but to think if anything did happen while I was out atleast I was around people who could help me. I learned to like having people around. Anyways I still struggle and I see a psychiatrist who prescribes the meds and a therapist which is the smartest thing I have ever done. I'm not as bad as I was but enough that I need to talk to someone as I keep getting new sensations and such which I need for my sanity to clarify whether it's really anxiety/panic/depression or something that could be serious. I wish I could stop my way of thinking in that I get a pain or a feeling something is wrong and I'm dying. I guess maybe it never goes totally away.

Well that is my story in a nutshell. I can't believe I never thought of finding a place like this online much sooner. I need piece of mind and knowing all that I feel is what it really is.

[gr3n]

Hi all.

Mine Started Back in 2007. Back then at the time i was still living at home. My Grandmother was looking after us whilst my parents where on holidays in phuket.

One morning i got out of bed, went to have a shower and all of a sudden if felt this hot flush come over me. the next thing i remember is waking up on the floor in the shower. I don't know how long i was out. Anyway i went to work - this turned worse there i was scared to get of my chair or do anything for the fear of passing out.

Eventually i told my supervisor what had happened and i went home. Of course i had to tell my grandmother. So Thursday, i get up have a shower no hot flush eat breakfast etc. but when iwas getting dressed the same hot flush occurred again. I sat down and it passed. i went to work - made a doctors appointment, went there told him what was happening. He then wrote me a med certificate so i could have the rest of the week off and blood tests the following Monday when my parents returned

So it's monday i am having my blood tests, i get the results my potassium was very high, this could have been because i ate a bandana prior to going. So i had them re done tuesday, i didn't eat a thing. Sure enough high again.

Later that day i receive a call from my doctor, he tells me i want you in hospital tonight. I was like why - he says well your potassium is too high and you could have a heart attack. So i spent the night in hospital.

From That day on. The anxiety has started, i developed depression - i stopped talking to people and would get very very angry over the smallest things. I tried counselling that wasn't much help to me so finally meds. These worked well. I was getting my life back on track eating better more social with my colleges and  family.

However now i feel it is getting the better of me again, I have started talking to this girl whom i told her i liked her after about 5 months of communication and i had her over one night. But she can drive me rather insane at times, not replying to messages, or phone calls. Making excuses. She told me she has had depression in her life. I suspect this could be why she is reluctant. I don't want to ask her incase i upset her.

Work is becoming to hard. I am finding my self more drained and tired every morning. I am getting out of bed at 10 am on Saturday and sunday i would normally be up at 7am

My 2 cents.

[alwaysnervous]

My Story : )
Im 33 now, I first started having panic attacks and suffering from 24/7 anxiety about 7 or 8 years ago.  Prior to this, and I mean days before my first panic attack, I didn't think I was really stressed about anything, I did just lose my job and was in a relationship that could have been a little more stable, but I was young and I was use to living like this, so it honestly wasn't bothering me (consciously).  BUT I was partying a lot, I was kind of shy around people I didn't know and social situations but alcohol always helped, my boyfriend was big into drugs and although I wasn't I of course felt peer pressured to follow along.  My first panic attack came on a night of taking Ecstasy.  I felt a little hung over and was coming down a bit the next day as expected and was a little uneasy thinking about what I had experienced the night before, since I thought that I had almost died of an overdose or a bad trip.  While driving home from dropping a friend off at work, the feeling I had felt the night before was coming over me again and I was terrified and frozen and had to pull over to the side of the road.  I was in panic mode thinking I had lost my mind and the drugs were creeping up on me again.  This went on for days, weeks, months.  None of my friends or boyfriend had a clue what I was talking about when I tried to explain it to them.  I felt very alone and thought I was going insane and would either die or end up in an institution.  I would constantly be making a fool of myself in front of my boyfriend, I would try and stop him from going surfing because I thought I was having a premonition that he was going to drown, I would watch him surf, frozen and terrified again on the bench, I couldn't speak or get up and walk away, he had to carry me home one day.  Poor guy tried to understand, but it was hard because on the outside you could'nt see that anything was wrong with me, it was all going on inside my head, and a happy and healthy person is oblivious to what you experiencing.

Eventually the Agoraphobia set in, I would barely leave my bedroom, the only times I felt less anxious and safe were when i was in bed watching some comforting movie.  Convinced I was dying, and yes like a lot of people I've noticed on here, I had brain tumors, heart attacks, strokes, cancer etc.  Sometimes I feared sleeping because as I would begin to fall asleep I would gasp myself awake thinking I was going to stop breathing in my sleep.  I got to the point where I couldnt be around my boyfriend and friends because they would be drinking and doing drugs and I would see them go through the stages from sober to wasted and it would scare me to death.  I would start feeling as though I was tripping out and then get paranoid that the drugs in the room were somehow effecting me, wondering if I accidentally touched them and they were seeping into my system, did i breath in the air when they were smoking, yep I was paranoid as hell and living a complete nightmare.

After attempting to go to the mall one day with my boyfriend to see a movie, I ran out of the theatre crying, I couldn't breath, I couldn't see straight, I thought I was dying again, I somehow managed to drive us home and was just hysterical in the driveway of our home.  It was then that I looked at the confused and judgemental look on my boyfriends face that I went to the medical centre.

I explained everything to the Doctor and he of course knew what was going on with me, he told me and suggested anti-depressants (I think! It was years ago and I know there are different types of medication you can use).

I of course was petrified of putting any kind of pills in my mouth, afterall that is how i got myself in this situation to begin with.  So I didn't and ignored his advice for a few more months.  Finally I gave in, I started taking the medication...from what I can remember Im sure I was on a low dose of anti-depressants, and after about 6-8 weeks I felt completely normal and went off them, I was too scared to become addicted to them, so I stopped.

I was completely cured and never had any problems with anxiety (other than a normal healthy expected amount) or panic attacks for the next 7 years.  In those years, I left Australia, went traveling around the world, and ended up living in Los Angeles for 4 years, up until a year ago when I made the HUGE decision to move back to Australia.  A very scary and stressful decision for me.

On my last night in LA, I was a little hung over from my farewell party, not in a stable healthy state of mind.  I went to see the Lakers play at the Staple Center, when I was waiting in line for a much needed drink, BOOOOM...panic attack from hell...I ran to the bathroom fell to the floor of the cubicle, my skin was steaming, my heart pounding, dizzy, rocking myself back and forewards panicking and talking to my, "oh no, not now" I was in no way expecting a panic attack after all these years and was not prepared and also not even thinking it was a panic attack, again I was dying as far as I knew.  I managed to settle down, watched the game, a little shaky, went home and hid under a blanket on the couch while my friend mothered me all night.

I flew back to Australia, after 7 years, no friends, family living 8 hours away from me....everything was different and new and lonely and I was feeling very stressed and nervous and yep the anxiety came back....after 7 YEARS arggghhh....

So its been a year now and its just getting worse, I wouldn't say I have really had any bad panic attacks since that night, but the constant anxiety is there, and im back to avoiding going out in public, i have every disease out there (although to add to problem I did actually have a cancer scare where I had to have cervical treatment, did not help).

Im not at work today, because yesterday I (and sorry for too much info) I got my period, I was feeling weak, convinced myself I was going to get toxic shock syndrome, and ended up on the floor of the bathroom feeling sick, couldn't stand up and started shivering uncontrollably.... obviously I wasn't feeling well, but turned it into much more than necessary....

So tomorrow once again, I give in, and I am going to the doctor to get back onto some medication because I cannot function like this a day longer...Im depressed, im nervous, im constantly sick from something...and im starting to drink again which I have been avoiding for the last 6 months....but its a vicious cycle, the anxiety makes me want to drink to escape my fears...

My biggest problem is I am still reasonably new to the city, I don't know anyone, I have too much time to myself and my thoughts get a little carried away...I don't have a safety blanket around me, like my mum or a best friend, I guess it scares me that I am the only one looking out for me and I guess thats not enough...

The agoraphobia is making life difficult, when I walk to the store I get nervous, when I am in line waiting to pay at the supermarket I get extra nervous and get myself into a state, when im walking home I feel much better, its not till I get home on the couch that I agree with myself that it was all in my head...

Well thats my story so far....hopefully the doctor can help me out this time and i'll be back to normal in no time, but once again im nervous about taking medication....

[SHELLM30]

IVE HAD ANXIETY SINCE I WAS 12 BUT DIDNT KNOW WHAT IT WAS & BY 10TH GRADE I FORGOT ABOUT IT UNTIL I TURNED 19 AND HAD A PANIC ATTACK SO BAD I THOUGHT I WAS DYING. I WAS BURNING INSIDE MY BODY FROM HEAD TO TOE, I WAS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HEAR VOICES, MY HEART WAS POUNDING OUT OF MY CHEST & I THREW UP. I COULDNT GO TO BEAUTY SCHOOL FOR A MONTH, I WENT TO ABOUT 10 DIFFERENT DOCTORS CUZ I THOUGHT I HAD EVERY DESEASE IN THE BOOK. I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM & THEY SAID I HAD ANXIETY & REFERRED ME TO A PSYCHIATRIST. SHE PRESCRIBED ME KLONOPIN. IT HELPED ME BE ABLE TO GO TO SCHOOL & WORK BUT THATS IT FOR 4 YEARS!! FOR THE 4 YEARS I SWORE I HAD EVERY SICKNESS THAT I READ ABOUT, HEARD ON THE NEWS, ETC. WHEN I WAS 23 I FINALLY WENT TO A DIFFERENT PSYCHIATRIST & HE PUT ME ON PAXIL WITH THE KLONOPIN & I WAS IN "REMISSION" FOR 7 YEARS, THEN WHEN I TURNED 30 I EXPERIENCED THE WORST PANIC ATTACK EVER & IT TOOK 6 MONTHS TO GET THE RIGHT MED COMBO TO WORK, SO I WAS ON PAXIL, KLONOPIN, SEROQUEL & WELLBUTRIN!! NOW 7 YEARS LATER ITS BACK!!! I DONT WANT TO GO OUT. I FEEL COMFORTABLE AT HOME. IM GONNA LOSE MY JOB. I JUST FEEL HELPLESS!! ITS NOT CHEAP TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST & PAY FOR THESE MEDS!! I JUST HOPE I FEEL BETTER SOON!!!