Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder

[Deemet99]

Wow. After reading everyone's stories I am having a mind block at the moment.  It is hard to read these personal stories and not feel so bad for everyone and internalize that somehow.
To all of you who have suffered...I am glad we have found a place to tell our stories and I pray we all are able to live a full life someday. 

Anyway here goes.
I have always been a nervous person.  I didn't have the easiest childhood but it wasn't awful by far. My mom and dad separated when I was four years old and not having my dad around a lot made me have some serious trust issues with men I think.  (I was always older looking when I was young and had a lot of unwanted advances toward me by older men.  I was never comfortable with their advances and I know that made my anxiety situation much worse.)  Then my dad passed away when I was 17 from a terrible and discriminating disease.  (Too much to explain just now.)
That was really the extent of the anxiety when I was young, give or take fear of public speaking or other normal things.  I actually did really well in school and was involved in all sorts of activies and was really the social butterfly.  (I think I was in denial.) I went off to college and graduated with a teaching degree.  I have worked since I was 16 at various jobs and really was doing quite well until the anxiety and panic attacks. I will never forget the first one, just like all of you will never forget yours...

I awoke in the middle of the night feeling like my arm was asleep.  I moved it around and it just kept feeling more numb, then my hand and fingers.  It wasn't until I realized that one side of my face felt numb that I started to panic.  I ran into my mom's room and told her what was happening, all while that whole side of my body became numb.  The weirdest thing was that once one side went numb, I had the feeling back, and then the other side of my body would do the same thing. It was so crazy.   
Then I started to throw up all night and had a severe headache.  I went to the ER and was still feeling terrible and the docs said it was anxiety. (It all started I guess because of a migraine headache I was getting, weird!)  I was only 20 at the time, so the likelyhood I had a stroke was slim but they checked me anyway.  I was fine.
It seemed like ever since that attack I have had so many issues, one after the other, which lead me to live at home until I was 27. I would experience a very odd feeling in my body everynight like clockwork.  I would have such a hard time sleeping because I would have this sensation that my body was floating or really lite.  That went on for several months then would stop and another symptom would start like heart palpitations.  Then after a few months of that, something else would start.  Do any of you experience this???
Well I got a grip on things when I started effexor and klonapin and was able to move out on my own and live just fine. I got back my personality, made many friends, dated and went to the bars quite often.  I know it was a no no to drink a lot and take the medication but it was always something that made me feel confident and happy. (I now know it was a way to forget the fear and pain.)
I met my husband in 2002, got pregnant, then married and had a baby all in about 1 year.  That was a whirlwind and then it all caught up with me.  Right after having my son I started with major depression and anxiety. I would be stuck in the house, as we only had one car and my husband worked, so I was alone sometimes for 12 hours or more.  It made me feel crazy and many times I had to call my mom or a friend to come over and rescue me from my anxiety and panic. That was 4 years ago, and I have gone from being a very social, successful, busy, exciting person to nothing. 

Jump to today....I am utterly unable to work, It is hard for me to leave the house without my klonapin by my side, and going grocery shopping is the worst, have to have someone with me.  I am convinced I am dying of something.  Show me an ad on TV about some disease and I have it.  If a friend calls and says someone she knows has been diagnosed with a disease and has certain symptoms, I immediately have those same symptoms.  I hate it so much and I am at the point of completely feeling lost and alone in this world.
I know I need to go back on my meds, I know I have to go back to my doc and therapist, but for some reason the journey seems so long and impossible to achieve, that I just sit and watch everyone else around me have a life. 
I joined this site because I feel like I will never be able to live a normal life.  I am scared that I will always be looking over my shoulder at the anxiety and depression.  Will this feeling ever go away? 
I hope some of you can relate.  I also hope some of you will reach out and help and I will do the same for you. 
Thank you for listening....that was hard.

[ashley4499]

Here's my boring story:

I'm 20 years old, I have an amazing fiance whom I just bought a house with, I have four adorable yet crazy dogs & lead a normal life up until March of 2007. I worked as a Guest Services Representative at a mall. I'd had a bad cold & was sucking on cough drops all day & working at the Guest Services booth by myself. I suddenly couldn't breathe, my legs & hands were numb, my heart was racing & I felt like I was going to faint. I called security to come sit at the booth so I could go back to the office. I sat in front of a fan trying to drink water while I hyperventilated. We couldn't get a hold of my fiance, so they called his mom. She took me to the ER where the doctor told me it was just a cold & gave me medication which made me bed ridden for 2 days. I took the doctor's word for it & figured it just had something to do with my cold & returned to work a few days later.

September of 2007 after I'd gotten a new position as a Receptionist in the main office I suddenly got extremely light headed so I went outside to take a little break & get some air. After a few minutes & not getting any better, I went inside & sat in my boss's office & drank water & called my fiance. I explained to him that it was the same thing that had happened previously when I went to the ER. After a while I just couldn't handle it anymore & he had to pick me up from work & take me home. I was so dizzy that I couldn't even drive my car home. I woke up the next day still feeling extremely dizzy & for the next week I was still dizzy. I went to the doctor & she told my that I had an inner ear infection & that it would go away within a few weeks. For 3 weeks I had to call in to work because I couldn't even get out of bed. The panic attacks continued & my doctor put me on Effexor. I took a 75mg pill after getting it filled the next day & had severe side effects. After calling in to work a few days more, they fired me. My doctor told me to stop taking it so I didn't take anymore & my ear infection eventually went away. However, my panic attacks didn't. They got even worse & more frequent. I would have multiple attacks in one day.

I began having headaches everyday & I was certain that there was something more to it than a panic disorder. I swore that there was something wrong with me that the doctor just couldn't find or wasn't looking for. I couldn't sleep at night for fear of dieing in my sleep. My doctor did several blood tests & found nothing. On one particular day, I had an awful headache in the right side of my head that I could not get rid of. I called my doctor because it was bothering me so badly & making me sick to my stomach. She told me that she would do a CAT scan on the next Monday & to go to the ER if it got any worse. This sent me directly into a panic attack & then to the ER. They did a CAT scan & told me that it was normal & I just had a bad headache. He prescribed me Zanax to help me relax & get some sleep at night. I didn't end up taking the Zanax because I didn't want side effects. I still went to my doctor the next Monday & we discussed that it might be better to try going without medication & that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

By December, I was still having panic attacks & I was going way downhill. I was hardly sleeping, if at all & I began having suicidal thoughts. I couldn't help myself. I felt like I was dieing anyway & I just wanted it to finally be over. Thankfully, I have faith & morals. I could never take my own life, but that's all I could think about. My family got so tired of me calling everyday crying from a panic attack & my fiance was getting so drained from the stress that I had to go back to the doctor for medication. I ended up having a panic attack while in the doctor's office. She gave me 10mgs of Lexapro to take everyday & told me that I needed to start seeing a psychologist.

I've been taking the Lexapro for 2 weeks exactly now & have noticed a bit of an improvement, but not much. I can't wait to be nearly anxiety free & have my life back. I've completely lost myself & I'm ready to be me again. I stay home all the time unless I'm taking the occasional trip to my sister's, my mom's, my fiance's parents, or to my nephew's soccer game. My nephew would be devastated if I missed one of his games so I try to suck it up for him. I'm normally so into the game that panic attacks are no issue. We are starting to struggle financially because I'm in no condition to look for another job. I am so afraid of losing another job. I quit going out because I would have a panic attack just going to the movies or going bowling. I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I even feel like a zombie, like something or someone else is in control of my body & mind. Our wedding is scheduled for Spring of 2009 so I'm really hoping that I can get better & back to being myself again.

[mindcontrol]

I am reposting here since I'm a newbie to the website----------------------------------------------------------------

After googling a few days ago, I was fortunate to find this website. It is helpful to know that I'm not alone with my panic attacks and anxiety.  Since this is my first post, I'll give a brief background. About 5 years ago, I had gone for a follow up visit with the ortho-surgeon after my wisdom teeth were extracted.   I ended up having the worst panic attack to date.   I had severe hyperventilation and my hands were cramped into one position.  I honestly thought that I was dying and to make matters worse the nurse & dentist were absolutely clueless about panic attacks.  For the hyperventilation, they placed a plastic bag over my mouth which practically suffocated me with each breath. The nurse proceeded to ask me if I believed in God. She kept saying over and over, "this is not normal" 
Thankfully, I had someone that brought me to the appt. WE left as soon as I could get up and walk out of there. That same day, I went straight to my family doctor and he said that I had a panic attack. Well that made me feel somewhat relieved to know I was going to be okay.  He prescribed XANAX as needed and I was doing fine with that for many years.
Recently, I have had many life changing events ~ some good and some not so good.  Since November,  I have been having panic attacks usually once a week but oftentimes more. FULL BLOWN attacks out of nowhere! I just started new health care in the past year, so I made an appt. with a PCP.  I explained my reasons for the appt. when I set the appt. a couple weeks ago. Well with much optimistism, positive self-talk, and faith I made it to the appt. yesterday.  It was absolutely awful.  When I arrived, I sat anxiously reading a magazine trying to distract my thinking to avoid the anxiety or dreaded panic attack.  The technician took my vitals and gave me an eye test.  She said the doctor would give the results and snickered. I said " that bad eh?" Well, the doctor walks in and the first words out of her mouth are that we only have 20 minutes for our appt. and I need to choose one of the issues I had listed, which were...back/neck ache, headache (no vision test for about 10 years), ganglion cyst, and anxiety.  I was shocked but replied the anxiety.  She asked when I last took XANAX, who prescribed it and then proceeded to tell me that no "good doctor" would prescribe that to patient long term.  I tried to describe the worst panic attack and she interupted with "I only asked WHEN!"  Someone knocked at the door and the Dr. said she had to go. She said she would schedule another appt. in 30 days and give partial presc. I asked for the results of my eye test and she replied, next appt. 
....if anyone can offer any help with any of this, I would really appreciate it. Thank You.

[B5Alive]

Hey folks, here's my deal:

I'm a 31 year old guy with a great white collar job, great friends and family.  Looking back on life, I've always been an anxious person.  When I was a little kid, I had horrible separation anxiety.  The number of times my mother took me to school or the babysitter's kicking and crying was unreal. 

The social anxiety has been around since I was a kid too.  I seemed to be that gawky, tall, awkward kid who never excelled at sports and had a hard time fitting in.  I dressed, acted, and talked like all the other kids, but always felt different.  And often times, I got picked on and was the butt of many jokes.  For no reason, just kids being kids I guess.  I let a lot of that go when I got to high school and I had made some decent friends.  Life was pretty good until the second week of my freshman year at college.  There were two girls sitting behind me in psychology class who kept laughing and for some reason I kept thinking they were laughing at me.  And that is when I had my first panic attack.  I grabbed my bag and bolted from the class.  The following years were filled with sitting in the back of classes, failing classes and so on.  Oddly, I had made a lot of new friends and had really come out of my social shell in that time period. 

Once out of college, I took on career jobs, advanced myself, moved around a few times and had all but forgotten about panic attacks.  Then at 27 I had an acid reflux issue that brought on GAD and depression.  Long story short, I was so terrified of the acid reflux and sleeping that I got lost in a strange world of anxiety and depression.  I had tried a bunch of different meds but got sick from each one.  This caused a fear of medicine.  I climbed my way out of the hell through CBT and working with a Reiki master.  Life had freed up and began to live again.  I switched jobs, moved, dated and so on. 

This past November, it all came back as the result of major life changes.  I no longer liked my job, I hated my new car, my friends were all marrying and moving on and I began to hate my living arrangement.  One night I met up with a buddy for coffee who announced he is moving.  I forgot to order decaf coffee that night, big mistake.  I must have gotten the bottom of the pot of coffee, so I got home and had the first panic attack in years.  Over the last few months, all this GAD and depression has come back.  Like others, I have these horrible, scarey thoughts.  They scare the ever loving hell out of me.  And that seems to perpetuate the anxiety.  Obviously, the more I let them scare me, the worse everything gets.  Like the original poster, I too have thoughts like "what if I become this or that, what if I stab someone, what if, what if, what if...."  My psychologist has reassured me that it's completely normal and that I have absolutely no compulsion.  These thoughts are an offshoot of the anxiety, just like dreams play on your fears and odd thoughts, these thoughts come about as a result of my fear of losing control.  It all makes sense now and I just try not to get worked up over them. 

I've tried meds again and I've gotten super sick again.  I'm not sure what to do about meds right now, but I know that if I just keep living my life, no matter how anxiety stricken, I feel better.  I feel better staying in a routine.  I feel better by meditating and exploring alternative healing methods.  Meditating seems to calm my mind, I let the thoughts and phsyical sensations come and go.  They pass through me.  I've also learned that I am a strong, healthy person who is a great person.  I love humanity, I love the earth and I am here to live. 

[hopelessromantic]

I have suffered with anxiety since I was a small child. My first anxious moments came in the mornings before school. My dad would insist that I eat breakfast, though my stomach and nerves were upset for whatever reason. After a few battles with him over not wanting to eat before school, they took me to the doctor who proceeded to diagnose me with being anorexic! Nothing could be further from the truth. I still cannot eat when my nerves are bad.

The majority of the anxiety in my life has stemmed from being fixated on or attracted to other females. High school was not a pleasant experience for me because of this. It was a small school in a small town. Needless to say, I was ridiculed and shunned, so I became withdrawn and had few friends.

My anxiety kicked into high gear when I found my dream job in music and moved to North Carolina. Although they were “good nerves”, excited about the move and the great job, they were still nerves and it took its toll on me. Soon after the move I went though a period of homesickness. Seven months into the job I got laid off. I had the stress of finding a new job and going through the mess of collecting unemployment. I took a secretarial job in a company that had went through several secretaries before I got there, some lasting only 1 day before they quit. The owner was impatient with me and noticed every mistake I made (many due to ADD that I also have, plus the anxiety of a new job).

After 5 months I was starting to settle in, then my world collapsed when my mother suddenly died as the result of an accident. She had fallen down the basement steps, suffered a massive head injury and died 3 days later. 4 months after that, my dad wanted to help me with the down payment to purchase my first home. What should have been an exciting time in my life was unfortunately more stress and worry. 2 months after moving in, I realized I was very sick and went to the doctor, everything I ate seemed to make me feel like I was going to throw up. She diagnosed me with anxiety and prescribed Wellbutrin. But she failed to mention that one of the side effects could be seizures. Here I was getting sicker instead of better. I was having seizures at work, not really knowing what they were, I thought it was just my body’s way of adjusting to this new medicine. The day my neice was born was one of the worst days of my life. I was so sick to my stomach and I couldn’t stop shaking. The doctor on call told me to double my dosage, a second opinion led me to stopping the drug altogether.  I went through Buspar and Zoloft before I adjusted to Xanax. I also had my first experience with panic attacks. I had dropped 20 pounds and was down to 98 before the Xanax started to work and I got back on track. I found another job in music and things were going well.

I managed well for the next 4 years until 2002, when all in the same year my grandmother died, a good friend succumbed to cancer and died, I fractured a vertebrae in my back, and then in November I was fired from my job. That all set me back quite a bit, but with the Xanax I was able to “handle it” better. 

My dad had a stroke in 2005 and I moved him in with me to take care of him. During that time his girlfriend from VA began making phone calls to all my family members saying that me and my sister were illegitimate, she was trying to break up our family. I got the phone call from my cousin telling me that, and I went and sat on the front porch in a complete daze, I couldn’t believe what she was doing. I had been brushing my hair when the call came in, so I had it in my hands while I sat on the front porch. I looked down at my hands about 15 minutes later and they were both bloody. I had been wringing the brush the whole time thinking about what she was doing and had no idea. It was like I had blacked out or zoned out, in some kind of trance.  I call that day “Black Sunday”. I have not had any more anxiety attacks that severe since, but it scared me enough to keep an eye on my daily stressors so as not to repeat that reaction. 

Life is much better now, I have learned to manage my anxiety with the Xanax, and I am lucky enough not to have to take it daily. I have always had essential tremor in my hands, and I have nervous habits of twisting paper in my hands, or twirling my foot when my legs are crossed, jingling loose change in my pocket, things like that.

Thanks for “listening” to my story, it was very therapeudic getting it all down….

[jlmarek]

Just join yesterday so thought I will introduce myself first by posting my story. 

I think I was born with a anxiety disorder but wasn't diagnose with having a problem until in the early 1990's and I have been on medication since.
My anxiety usually flairs up when I become afraid of rejection or when I feel that someone is rejecting me. Then I will become obsessed with that person and will try everything in my power not to have this person that is so important not to leave me. Which usually causes difficulties in my relationships,  because often times my fears of rejection is not even what this important person in my life is thinking. It has been really hard for me when I go though a anxiety episode to see the truth and to feel the love. But anyway this is my story.

 I am now 54 year young. I was born in Wisconsin in a rural community, my father was a farmer and I am the 4th child of 10 children. I was raised as a catholic and went to a catholic school until the 8th grade. My perception, of how and what I was taught about god was that He was something to be afraid of, because if you sin too big you will probably go to hell.  I felt unloved throughout my childhood and most of my early adult life.  An example of this is when I was a little girl, at bedtime I would stand on top of the staircase yelling down to my parents do you love me?’ repeatedly almost on a daily basis. My parents would get frustrated with me and yell at me to go to bed.  Another example would be, after a medical procedure at age 3, I decided to run away from home, I ran faster down the road to get away, when I discovered that my brother was running after me to bring me home. (My parents sent my brother after me.)

I was bullied during my school years. I had no friends during the time I went through the catholic school. I was mocked for how I spoke, (I have a speech impediment) and for my very low grades. When I did do something well I was accused of cheating. I was always the last one to be picked for any projects. Being bullied continued in the public high school. By this time I develop an anxiety problem which caused me to perspired and smelled.
No matter how often I took a bath or how much deodorant or perfume I used it made no difference. I would go into the bathroom between classes to wash my armpits. I also had bad breath. Brushing and using mouth wash didn't help either. I was called stinky by my classmates. I remember a discussion in science class,  one of my classmate who sat next to me, ask the teacher about body odor and what caused it, because it smell so bad, she had said.. I remember sitting there feeling embarrassed assuming she brought up this subject because of me. I found cruel notes in my school books or on my school papers, about how I smell and what I should do about it. Walking down the school hall was a nightmare because if someone accidentally touched me they would pass my germs off to the next person. During high school I did make some friends, they were people that were bullied also. We band together trying to survive what we saw was a cruel world that we had to live in, and feeling like we were the rejects of society. Also while I was going though puberty I was being sexually abused by a very close family member. I kept this quiet until my adult years. I learned early on not to trust my parents to do anything about it, because when I went to them about being bullied in school, my mom just said "they are doing this because they like you." I could not make her understand it was not because they like me but because they were having a cheep thrill in making me feel bad and unaccepted.

I was married at 18 to one of my high school friend. I got married because this person declared love for me and I believed no one else would ever love me, so I thought, I better take this opportunity now because an opportunity like this would never come again. Strangely, within two years of my marriage I began attracting men. This was such an ego booster and I thought to myself, if these men want to sleep and get that close to me, then this must mean that I am o.k.  With my infidelity, I became pregnant twice and eventually it caused a divorce. Then I remarried for the second time, this was an 11 year marriage of mental and sexually abuse. I was a perfect candidate for my husband because he was able to hind his sexual problems behind my sexual problems. Not knowing how to cope with the abuse I became a patient in a psychiatric ward. This is when I was diagnose with a anxiety disorder and put on medication. I also religiously went to a 12 step program of emotions anonymous to gain tools and skills to learn how to cope with the anxiety. Eventually because of the abuse he was sentence to a 10 year prison term. And 15 years of probation.   Then I had a 5 year relationship with this man who I now call My Angel, the last 9 months of his life we were living together. He was there for me during the trial of my X-Husband, the death of my father and though the rebellion of my son when he dropped out of school and become involved with alcohol and drugs. (But now with lots of love and persistant he is on the straight and narrow now. He is a constant force in my life, meaning we are very close.) Ironically, my boyfriend passed away on his birthday. He surely was a blessing and a teacher about the good things in life. A day don't go by without feeling grateful that he was a positive part of my life.  Now I been living with this man for the last 8 years. He was separated from his wife at the time we got together but has never gotten a divorce. In the last 6 months I had ask him to move into my basement apartment in my house because I thought after 8 years this was more than plenty time for him to divorce and marry me. He said he would divorce but will not get married. I still, very much feel the need to marry so I am at the point of not knowing what I want to do about this relationship. Here again, is the fear of rejection playing in my life. so my anxiety level has been on the rise. Not only having to deal with this anxiety, I have been working on my relationship with my daughter.  She is having a tough time forgiving me for her childhood and how dysfunctional it had been.  She actionally said that she was embarrass of me. She would bash me about past events. Now I am at the point of setting a distant from her until she chooses to forgive me because she really can do a number on my self-esteem. My plan is in a final attemp to ask for her forgiveness and giving her a spiritual gift that I bought in the hope that this will help with the healing, I will also express my true feelings about how I am truly, sincerely sorry about what she had to endure during her childhood.  Hopefully she will come to forgive.

Well this is about it. Hopefully I will meet and chat with you guys soon.

[ivorycharm]

Just signed in. I've been feeling symptoms of a pending panic attack for the past couple of days. It's derealization, shortness of breath and fatigue. I wanted to reach out to people who can understand what I'm going through so I came to this site.

Here's my story........

My first full blown panic attack happened last year while I was driving my husband to the airport with my two young children. Suddenly I had shortness of breath, my body froze, my visions dimmed and I felt I was having a heart attack because of a mild chest pain. I was brought to the ER and the doctor advised me to see a cardiologist. I had a 2D echo cardiogram and the result says that I have a right (or left, I forgot) ventricular diastolic dysfunction and the cardiologist dismissed it as STRESS. The days following the attack I had headaches, feeling of derealization that lasted for months, nocturnal dyspnea, chronic fatigue (walking few steps tires me out) and feeling of impending doom. I did not take any meds for any of this "pains" I just prayed and write on my journal until I got well again.

After this major attack I told myself that I should try to take care of myself for a change. (I take care of my family full time 24/7 and it's very rare that I take a break from all the "caregiving"). I take multivitamins and avoid sleeping late to strengthen my body.

Late last year my father had a severe asthma attack that made him comatose for a week and died eventually from complications of pneumonia.  It's ironic that the time I had with him at the hospital was my only "rest" from my daily stress at home.

My children are asthmatic and highly allergic to dust and many more so I worry a lot about their health too.

The past several months I try to control the attacks by keeping positive thoughts and "declutter" my mind but sometimes when I just feel so tired and unappreciated for my efforts and even hear hurtful remarks it's hard to "grin and just bear it".  My spirit is willing to fight this attacks but my body just reacts to all the stress.

I just hope that I'll get better these coming days with the help of the people who understands what I'm going through.

To those of you who has been through tough time, I feel for you. Things will get better. Remember when you reached the bottom there's no other way to go but up 


 

[littleflurry]

4 years ago in June, our greyhound lab mix was mauled to death in our front yard by 2 pit bulls who got loose during a drug raid 10 blocks away.  This was my husband's and my child.  Our dog had always been our baby.  We adopted him from a no-kill shelter to keep him from being euthanized. 

The mauling was graphic and he lost a large amount of blood.  Our neighbors rushed my husband (who is legally blind) and our dog Marty to the vets where he died. 
Something that day changed in me.  I stopped sleeping.  I had all this anger and anxiety and depression or at least crying all the time without being able to pull myself together.  I would lash out at people.  I would cry uncontrollably.  I could not function.  I would start shaking and sweating and feel like running away.  I was in so much pain I just wanted to die. 
After many requests from my husband, I called into a depression screening at our local hospital.  I was immediately setup with a therapist to see.  He recommended my doctor prescribe a sleep aid, Ambien.  After going to see him for 6 months, he recommended talking to my doc about going on an anti-depressant.  I was put on zoloft and after a few weeks I felt so much better.  I was able to stop taking the ambien to sleep.  I saw the therapist for another few months and then stopped as he said I was fine.

A year later my husband started having extreme vision issues as he can read out of his right eye.  This put me back into the anxiety mode.  I was shaking, not sleeping, excessive worrying, anxious all the time, restless, lack of concentration, lack of ambition, angry, cynical to the extreme, etc.  We were told by one of his doctors that his retina was detaching.  This scared me to death.  He is a radio broadcaster and his 1 eye he reads with is in dire need.  We make less than 40,000.00 together and have a mortgage.  As sick as it sounds, I was worried sick about him but also worried sick we would lose our house if he could no longer work.  I was scared for his well being without his vision at all.  So many times I wish I could just turn my brain off so I don't have 1000 thoughts going thru it all the time.  The zoloft stopped working and I felt like dying.  I just wanted the pain and anxiety to go away.  My doctor switched me to effexor XR.  No sleep aid.  I started self medicating using benedryl to help me sleep every night.  I am still taking the benedryl to sleep at night.  I had to go up 1 step with the effexor to higher MG for it to work after taking it for a year.  My hubby undergoes his surgery in May and I feel like I just cannot control my anxiety at all.  I take xanax only when needed as I did not want to get addicted to it.  I used to be able to take 1/2 of a tablet and settle right down and still be able to concentrate.  But lately I need 1-2 .5 mg tablets to get myself calmed down.  I cry almost on a daily basis.  It seems like every paycheck we are behind on our checking account 200.00 to 300.00.  We have bounce protection up to 1500.00 but the service charges are killing us.  I am working 55 hours a week in accounting.  Why can't I just feel normal?  Why do I always feel like I am drowning?  Why do I cry so easy? 

[IDKwhatIwant]

my anxiety comes from my depression. seems like every year i withdraw more and more from society and learn to live with being alone. ive been working in the same job for about a year and 7 months. im a trainer and although i have to communicate with people, it doesnt bother me that much. most of my work is in the back, and away from people. half of my shift is alone, the other half is divide by teaming with 1 - 3 people. its pleasant.

[jeffgnyc]

I hired one of my best friends from childhood and I think he has GAD, but is unwilling to admit it. Over the past 3 years, he has missed work on a regular basis, sometimes as long as 1-2 months straight... He constantly complains of vomiting in the morning, which makes him late for work... Today he claimed to have a stomach virus... what about the other 100 times?  i know the answer... I just don't know how to make him want to seek professional help and get on medication... Looking for answers.... 

[WorriedinTexas]

Well I've already posted on here a few times, although I am new to these boards, which I find to be very helpful, I am no stranger to anxiety and depression. I would have to say my first anxiety attack was when I was 15, my mom and dad had split up after years of domestic violence which basically sent my mom off the deep end until she ran away from it all inclsuding her children and left my younger sister and I with our dad. My dad was a very depressed person and suffered from disabling anxiety and hypochondria as well as a drug addiction to heroin and any of sedative type of medication but I did not know that at the time, he hid it pretty well and we grew up in what seemed like a drug free. alcohol free home, just alot of physical and mental abuse, being told we weren't wanted and kicked out of the house time after time only for my mom to return back to it all. Anyway so I ended up with my dad and little sister living at my grandmother's house because my dad was really too depressed to take care of us on his own and any of his energy was spent playing music or going to work. We were basically ignored and allowed to conduct our own lives. After a few months we got a duplex down the road from my grandmother's house and my dad just always stayed in his room, I had to sleep in the dining room as it was only a 2 bedroom house and I guess my sister didn't want to share a room with me. I started feeling panicky at that point, school staff noticed my withdrawal from the social and academic scene, I had been a good student at one time but I had a complete disinterest in education at all anymore, I did the least I could do to get by. My friends thought I was crazy and I ended up at the doctor's office asking about strokes and high cholesterol and having symptoms like numb fingers and shortness of breath and total mental zaps. My energy was low and I never wanted to go out with friends anymore or even go to the gym with my boyfriend. I ended up having a full blown panic attack one night at his house while we were watching a movie in his parents bed and I panicked when they came home and tried to run up the stairs from their bedroom, lost my footing and something inside me snapped, it was like a switch went off and I thought I was losing my mind, he drove me home and the whole way home I was terrified, I kept telling him I felt really strange but didn't want to go to the hospital. Well the attacks got more frequent and I would walk out of social situations, get out of a car out of sheer panic and leave restaurants. I thought I had everything, including Schizophrenia and other diseases of the brain. I never got help but I did learn alot about myself and finally found out my dad had anxiety as well and he helped me through panic attacks. I heard panic attack for the first time from my doctor.

Fast forward into my 30's. After a few failed relationships and the loss of my father to a drug overdose, an uncle to a drug overdose and finding out my brother was HIV+, had many years of disagreeing with my mom on how to live my life and so on I was married to a very gentle man but was not really in love. After 9/11 and the purchase of our first home I started having severe panic. I was with a friend one day looking at her new house and my mind felt like it just tilted, I was terrified. I knew right then something was wrong but didn't go to the hospital. Every day after that got progressively worse. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, had every physical symptom I could possibly have of every disease I ever feared, AIDS, cancer, anthrax, heart disease, pulmonary embolism, you name it I had it. I was paralyzed with fear, one huge panic attack, day in a day out. Aftr living like this for about 3 weeks and terrifying my family at my rapid downward spiral I ended up in the ER just willing to accept my fate. They drew blood, put me on IV for dehydration and basically said, you have OCD and depression, here take this, Zoloft. I took it, don't even remember the side effects because I felt so bad at the time and got back on with my life, felt great for years, but left my husband and did some other drastic things until I met my new husband and decided to stop all meds. Fast forward to now.... I lost my aunt in November to cancer, almost lost my husband to an affair he almost had and just felt things getting worse and worse, although before these incidents I was not functioning perfectly. Then 2 weeks ago I found my elderly neighbor dead and that set off a new wave of deep depression and anxiety. I feared that dead was contagious I suppose and have been to the ER, called 911 and to my family doc several times for reassurance that I was not dying. They assured me I was not although my physical symptoms don't help any. I am in a constant brain fog and have some dizziness, body aches, and rapid heart beats mostly. Anyway, everyday is a struggle but I am going to try to beat this without the meds this time, or at least get a handle on it before I try then again. I started counseling yesterday and already feel a little better. Everyday will get better I know it and each time I get through an attack it makes me stronger. You would think that after years of having them and knowing what they are I wouldn't fear them anymore but it's just not that way. Our minds are powerful. Anyway, just wanted to share. I have read some amazing stories on here already and have just welled up in tears at ones that sounded familiar to mine. Thanks for all the support so far and I will keep you all updated on my progress. I am only here to get better and hopefully help others through my success. Not to dwell on my symptoms anymore and get worse. 

[np1188]

hey everyone, im new to all this... ive always been a worry wart my whole life, however, my anxiety hit a all time high one night... it was one night and i decided that me and my boyfriend and some of his friends were going to go smoke some pot .. i never really liked doing it but i just decided to come along for the ride... the whole night we kept seeing cops and i was unbelievably tired for some weird reason... everyone kept on asking if i wanted to go home and i just said i would just stay ... they decided to go smoke behind some building and and as everyone was smoking and i took a hit and cop car came. before you know it, about 4 cop cars were there. i was so scared but calm at the same time. we had to call our parents, which was a little strange but i was so ashamed because my mother is every against drugs. I felt embarrassed and just disgusted with myself. The cops made me feel as if i was a loser and i felt so violated. Ever since that night my life has been a roller coaster. I never have felt the same since. Since that night i have not touched weed. Every time i see a cop i start to panic. I am scared that i am going to get in trouble again. I become paralyzed with fear, to the point where i do not want to leave my house. I am scared to drive because i do not want to get pulled over. My fear of cops has made me into someone i hate. Im scared of always getting in trouble even when i am doing something wrong. I feel ashamed of myself. It is the most frustrating feeling because i want to go out and have fun and my fear of getting in trouble gets in the way. I wish that night never happened. My anxiety affects my life everyday and i wish i could just live. I try to block it out but its impossible. hopefully someday i can forget about what happened and live my life.

[JoshuaHughes83]

Everyone here as been so brave in sharing their stories, you should be so proud. Let's keep sharing our stories and experiences!

[genlong]

I recently joined this site to find comfort. Recently ive had a panic attack about a month ago and I been back and forth to the er three times already. They performed an EKG each time and a chest x-ray the last time and found nothing wrong. Couple days later I met my primary doctor and told her what happen. I was having heart pounding anxious feeling, pain in my chest, tingling from chest to ear, pounding head blur vision, feeling of fainting, and I would get startled easily. Now I forgot to mention I was a smoker( cigarettes), drank alcohol on a weekly bases, I drank a lot of caffeine on a daily bases, and a week before my panic attack I had tried ecstasy for the first time (had the worst experience with it, never touching it again or any other street drug). People always say Im too nice and I care much for others. I always put everything before me such as work, friends, family, and etc. So back to at the doctor she suspected anxiety and muscle tension. She gave me lorazepam to try for a week and I only used it like 4 times during the week and it helped, all my symptoms were nearly gone. When I saw doc again she wanted me to try sertraline(zoloft) and I had very bad side effects to it. Nausa, dizziness, increased heart rate, burning/tingling in chest, suicidal thoughts and abdominal pain. Called my doc that morning and told me to stop taking sertraline and take the lorazepam only as needed. So far its been two weeks and I had some anxiety issues but I would just collect myself with calming methods, no medication. Oh every since my first panic attack I stopped smoking, no alcohol, and no more caffeine drinks. I am also eating healthy too. I feel like 75% like my old self. I still worry a lot but try to control it which works sometimes. I have another appt in a month. I was wondering if u guys think I'm showing early signs of gad? Or share your opinion. There's more to the story but didnt want to go in too much detail

[HEC85]

Hi everyone I am new here so I figured I would share my story.
I have always been a nervous person from childhood.
I would get so nervous around anyone that would raise there voices that I would get sick.
So it never effected me bad til I was about 16.
I lost my grandmother 2 days before my 16th birthday and while this most defenitly sent me into a state of depression my anxiety issues didnt become obvious until about a year later.
I dont recall any major event that brought it on, only that things werent the same.
It started as worrying about freak accidents such as car wreaks, fires, etc.
I didnt know what was happening to me. I was shaking, couldnt breath, and my hands were going numb.
So with this happening it lead to becoming scared and worried I was dying.
I finally went to the doctor after a month of sleeping non stop and never leaving the house.
I only weighed 95 lbs at this point.
I was put on paxil and within a few weeks I was feeling much better. Like I was myself again.
So monthes and monthes passed with taking the paxil and I was fine.
I eventually winged myself of the paxil and continued feeling great for quite sometime 5 yrs to be exact.
I would have the occasional anxiety but no more full blown panic attacks.
Well up until about 4 monthes ago I have been fine but then my dog got into some cleaning stuff.
Luckly the cleaning stuff was all green products and the vet and poison control said she would be fine.
But for some reason this set it off for me once again. Since this incident I am back to worring non stop but now it is over this little dog that I love so dearly. I can tell the vet gets irriataited with me because anytime we start an antibiotic or something I ask her non stop questions and constantly fear an allergic reaction. Most of the time I bottle it up and dont let anyone know because I dont want the lecture that I just need to stop as if it is that easy or like I want to feel like that. 
I dont really have full blown panic attacks because I normally catch myself and start a breathing excersice before it gets to that but it is starting to effect my life again. I dont want to go out anymore or have friends over. I basically stay at home with the dogs and watch tv or I am at my college classes which are starting to be effected to by missing classes. I am tried of feeling like this all the time but I really dont want to go back on meds.  I cant really afford them being a college student with no job or insurance. So I have just been dealing with it as it comes and everyday is a battle of its own. I have come to realize that sticking to a schedule really helps me out alot. I dont feel so overwhelmed when I know what is coming next and also talking about it to someone. I have been in a relationship for 7 yrs now and he has been there with me through it from the beginning but since this last relasp he has become less supportive and has started staying just get over it so I am hoping to get some support out of this website from some people who understand what it is like.

[LisaBear]

Hello,
I am new. I just joined today. My anxiety causes me a lot of problems. I am a mother of two children,and after I had my second child I had the baby blues. So I asked my doctor for a medication to help me. Only the medication did not help. It made everything worse. I was sitting in my home at the computer and I started to feel weird like something was wrong with me. I started to quote scripture and bam!!!! It happend. My first huge anxiety attack. I thought that I was having a heart attack. So I called 911 and they came and took care of me. I went to the hospital and they ran tests on me. They said that everything was fine with my heart. I have been to the E.R. twice now thinking I was having a heart attack. It seems that I am afraid of death. I am afraid that I will not breath or be able to swallow,or I think that my heart will stop. SO SCARY FOR ME!!!

It is now hard for me to sometimes go to the store,drive my car a long distance,walk a long distance away from my home or be in the shower with the door closed to my bathroom. I am on medication now but it is still hard for me. My anxiety attack could last for a hour. Now they last for maybe 15 minutes, now that I am on medication. It all depends on how much stress I have gone through in a day. I am trying to eat a better diet. I stay away from caffeine and sugar as much as possible. I try to go walk but it is hard,but I know I need to walk to keep in shape, and healthy.

I am a very shy person with low self esteem. I am sure that does not help. I have had problems with my in-laws on my husbands side of the family for the last few months and that does not help me one bit. But they don't seem to care that they cause me so much pain and anxiety. Also I am worried about my mom and dad. I am worried about my brother he has not been feeling well. Also I lost a poodle that I had for 13 years. He died because he was old. I loved him very much. Also I have had family members in the last few years who have passed away,and I just miss them all so much.

I wish I could get to the bottom of my anxiety, and how to control it so I can get my life back together. I can still do things around my home and take care of my family, I am just so stressed about little things that it is just taking over sometimes.

Well I am not sure what else to say at this point, but thanks for listing.

Lisa

[Xalatimo]

I hired one of my best friends from childhood and I think he has GAD, but is unwilling to admit it. Over the past 3 years, he has missed work on a regular basis, sometimes as long as 1-2 months straight... He constantly complains of vomiting in the morning, which makes him late for work... Today he claimed to have a stomach virus... what about the other 100 times?  i know the answer... I just don't know how to make him want to seek professional help and get on medication... Looking for answers.... 

Why would he want to if he can just create his own work schedule based on his anxiety?  Tell his *** to man up and get with it -- you need someone reliable, best friends or not.  Just don't say it quite like that.  If I had to worry about someone calling in sick every morning, I wouldn't have too much peace of mind.  So I'm sure this has an effect on you as well.  But you sure it's anxiety though?  Maybe he has other problems, like alcohol.

[jww]

ok here goes:

Exccuse me if I use this as a therapy session of sorts but heres my story.

I am 52 yrs old and have been in excellent health with lots of energy and most would describe as a very easy going care free person all my life. All that changed around april of this year and I wll attempt to put inot context how this started and where I am now.

Background - the last yr has certaianly had it stresses.

1.In feb of 07 my 19 yr old son was randomly assaulted and nearly killed. we got the call no one wants at 3 in the morning to get to the hospital not knowing during the 2 hr drive if he would be alive when we got there. He survived after 2 weeks in the hospital where he was treated for skull fractures and brain injuries. he has since nearly completely recovered but is deaf in his right ear and can no longer play college football. he is now a student coach and making deans list.I do not knowingly sit around thinking about it but I still wake up every morning at 3 am and alway have my clothes ready to go beside the bed.

2. My wife had a 2 week period where they thought she had breast cancer and while it finally turned out she didn't I can not tell you what those 2 weeks were like.

3. my job has recently changed due to the real estate slow down I went back to my previous career as an emergency roon r.n. after being out of the hospital for 8 years. My life went form working at home at a leisurely pace to right back into a very emotionally and physically stressful job.


despite all of this we had adjusted and I felt good and we were pretty normal.

THEN:

In april I had some tingling in my fingers that and mri showed was due to vervical disk problems ( I had this for years but managed with few symptoms). The doctor put me on a steriod dose pack and all hell broke lose. Within 2 days I was sweating like a pig, heart pounding could not sleep and felt like i was going to catch on fire. I also at times could not breathe. Being an r.n. I know some of this is to be expected but I FELT AWFUL. I finished the does pak and 2 days later I could not get up enough energy to get off the couch. I was so sick I asked my wife to take me to the er I thought I was going to die. She would not and said just let the meds get out for yoyr system. 2 days later on monday Iwent to the doctor emergently. I woke up that morning and could not breathe and my chest was killing me. After a battery of blood test ekgs and a stress test I heard these words " YOU HAVE GENERAL ANXIETY DISORDER" Now as a 52 yr old healthy happy male who only saw a dr once a year for a physical and was on no meds this did not make since to me. I mean I thought about stuff every now and then but not more than ususal I thought.He gave me a few 12 to be exact xanax and started lexapro.

THEN:

I took a half xanax and within minutes it was like the pressure released and I felt like me again. I started the lexapro and after 2 weeks it kicked in and I can not begin to tell you how bad it made me feel. No sleep no interest in anything sex golf you name it i tried but just didn't care. It  was lie somebody else was in my body. I also at times felt like I was on speed and once again sweated and had hot flashes. I tried another 2 weeks and then just quit the stuff felt bad a few days and then slowly started coming back to normal.


NOW:

continuing to improve but still have never been back to the pre steriod ( and that could be coincidental) me. I have periods of fatigue that just show up during the day usually preceeded by that slightly tight feeling in my upper body that almost tingles. Most days I can work through it and make it throught the day.
Some days I take half a xanax and amazingly I feel normal and my energy level goes back up ( I always thought xanax made you sleepy and tired?)

Whats weird is the spells when they come just show up most times I am not thinking about anything. The good news is I feel a little better every day and I am back to about 80% of what I felt like earlier.I have made a pact with myself to not take the xanax any more frequent than  every 3 days if needed and keep trying to make that more days apart.

well any way thats my story feel free to comment I have read others on here and see what a huge issue this is and by the way I apologize to anyone taking meds you see I was on of those pull your self out of this you big baby types that thought it was all a crock but when it happned to me now I understand.

[Sabent]

Hey all, kind of new here myself but I've been reading around here for a week or so so and after a lot of research and talking with psychiatrists/therapists. I found out that my situation was actually quite common at my age, so I thought maybe some other teenagers could use a story about what I've been through the past three to four years.

I'll be honest, I've had my good months/weeks/days/hours and vise versa, I feel like I've been through hell and back going from medication to medication getting mixed results of helping somewhat or downright even worsening my anxiety issues driving me towards depression or suicidal thoughts, however sometimes the medication did help me continue dragging through a normal life.  It all started roughly when I was 16, I entered school again like normal for the first day of being a junior at my highschool, and when I sat down to begin the introductions and syllabus for my first class, I began to feel odd. My throat began to dry up and I felt like it was closing off, I was sweating and the room felt like it was spinning and I couldn't think clearly about what was going on.  I forced myself through that hour period then immediately went to the nurses office to call my parents and ask them to pick me up and this cycle continued for roughly a month as I forced myself back to school with doctors saying medically there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, however I had no idea what anxiety was or that it even existed until roughly 6-7 months of seeing different doctors that one sat me down and asked, are you depressed? do you feel these symptoms? which he explained pretty clearly what I was feeling and it gave me great relief that someone understood what I was experiencing. 

It was at this point that he diagnosed me with anxiety and directed me towards therapy to help find a prescription and the right advice to help me get through it.  I was relieved yet still incredibly stressed because I felt like I was a crazy person for even needing to do this, embarassingly I even threw up in front of the first therapist I met with because I was so nervous.  It helped somewhat to have someone to talk to but looking back on it I realize now that I'm 20 that all I was really getting was a doctor who saw me for 3 minutes to nod his head and give me whatever random prescription idea he pulled out of a hat to try next and a therapist that wanted to comfort me rather then address the problem and help me fight it before I reached this point.  I went through this cycle for at least a year and basically became isolated in my house while taking online classes to continue my education.  This further continued as I reached out to new psychiatrists/ therapists who would listen to my stories, help comfort me, and try new prescriptions to hopefully find one that would help level me out.  It took until I was almost 19 to find a doctor that really seemed to care and got me on a prescription Serroquel and Ativan for extreme anxiety situations that I really experienced a new me, I had a good 6 months of starting college and actually going on campus comfortably to give me hope that I truly was getting better...unfortunately a side effect of the Serroquel began to bother me as time went on, which was at night when I took it my nose would clog up and I was forced to breathe through my mouth at night to sleep which gave me terrible dry mouth and throats when waking up.

I explained this several times to the doctor only to get "this isn't a side effect of the Serroquel" and "don't worry about it it's nothing serious," however it became something far more severe one night when I had my first ever panic attack while under this side effect and was rushed to a hospital with the normal signs of drastically increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, not being able to calm myself down.  Naturally I asked for a different medication which turned out to be another version of Serroquel but stronger, which really sent me over the edge.  I spent 2 weeks walking around the house restlessly, vomiting, taking up to 10 showers a day, laying on the ground exhausted and having difficulty eating anything at all as my body went through the withdrawals of the medication because I refused to take it again. 

I apologize to anyone who's read this far and feels hopeless because of what I've been through and unfortunately even right now I'm still having severe anxiety, a constantly dry throat that won't be cured by any amount of drinking, and the feeling of needing to vomit and difficulty eating, but don't lose hope, if I can make it through this you can too.  I've just finally started on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy a couple weeks ago and I've been lucky enough to find a new prescription doctor that has 25 years of experience and really shows care for me, I'm currently taking Niravam and while it doesn't fix everything, it helps somewhat.  I'm hoping that the combination of a long term prescription I try next with the combination of CBT will be my real life lasting cure for anxiety.

Sorry for the length of my post, but hey at least it distracted you or gave you something to read for a bit.  Also while I might not be a doctor, I am open to all e-mails and PM's that anyone new to the site, or a veteran to the site wants to send.  Whether you just need someone to talk to who's experiencing what you're going through or need advice on where to turn to for help or just need someone to talk to help you get through a rough time, please don't hesitate to, I know how much it can help having someone to talk to who knows what you're experiencing first hand and is willing to listen and give advice on what you can do.  Helping others get through this will help me get through it too.

[mentalfixations]

I have struggled with anxiety most of my life.  As a child I would get stomach aches and make my self sick when I felt like I was out of control.  I would get sick to my stomach when I attempted to spend the night at another persons house, even family members.  This is still an issue for me.  When I was 15 I was at school and had to have the office call my mom to allow me to go home because I needed to use the restroom (BM). I was terrified that this would happen again.  So I dealt with my anxiety by not eating all day, this way I could insure that I did not have to use the restroom while at school.  This then lead me to spending 2 hours in the bathroom each morning going to the restroom.  I woke up at 5:45am to be at work by 8am.  I would spend the entire time in the restroom, sometimes not even going, just sitting there, wanting to make sure I got everything out so that I would not have to use the restroom again later. 
When I was 19 I became addicted to Imodium, I started using it b/c I had started a new job, and was fearful of using the restroom at work.  I became an obsession for me to take an Imodium (anti-diahrreal) everyday.
I have now at the age of 24 managed to no longer be addicted to Imodium, and to not use the restroom for 2 hours before work.  I have made it so that I get up an hour before work and spend 20 min tops in the restroom and use the hour to also get dressed and get ready.
Unfortunatly, with not using the restroom so much in the morning, I have become fearful that I will need to use the restroom at work everyday.  I will have panic attacks when I am out of control of having a restroom im familiar with at my disposal.  I will have extreme anxiety of having to travel around for a few hours with a co-worker who happens to be mom....b/c Im fearful that during those 3 hours, that will be the time I have to use the bathroom.
I feel this anxiety everyday, all day, fearful that I am going to be out of control of using the restroom when I want.
I try to ease my anxiety, by my OCD "checking" disorder.
This just becomes a huge never ending cycle.
I am on Welbutrin...this has helped my depression in the past, but seems to be lacking affect on my currently.
Being afraid of having to use the restroom in public has prevented my from doing anything that is outside of my comfort zone....which is my bathroom.

[MommyMayI]

Hi all, I started suffering from depression at the age of 12. My dad died of cancer in 1990 I was 10. I was an only child. Then my mom started seeing this man who had 4 kids and I was pushed back into the corner. I snuck out at the age of 12 and was raped. He would call and threaten to kill me for months. I finally thought in mind I was better off dead. So I took over 45 xanax that one of my stepbrothers had. My mom found me with the bottle in my hand and had my stomach pumped. Off to a mental instution I went. I was there for 3 months being put on Zoloft. I was on it until I was 14 and my mom took me off.
Then a couple of months after my mom took me off I  ran away to a boyfriends house. My mom found me and had me arrested. Off to a halfway house I went it was for juvinles. Was not put on any meds again. My mom and stepdad had a big drug problem. They were doing weed and coke.
At 16 I entered a relationship that at first was all good. I got pregant everything was fine up until we found out I was having a girl. He use to beat me and try to make me miscarry. I had her and she was healthy. He abused me daily. I finally found the courage to leave him when she was 4 months old.
I started having anxiety attacks after that. The main one that I have had for years is that he is going to find us and try to kill us again. Or that he will kidnap her and I will never see her again.  For the longest I thought that it was normal to have thoses fears after all that I had went through.
Then in 2000 I was 19 and pregant. This pregancy was wonderful the father was there and everything was good up until I went into labor for a week. On a Sunday morning in August while I was at the hospital in labor his heart stopped. I was rushed in for an emerengcy section. And he was stillborn.
Well that did it for me. I was back on zoloft and they put me on xanax. I stayed on that for a couple of years and figured that I could do it without it.
It got to the point me and my daughter had to move in with my mom because my anxiety was so bad I could not function in the real world. I started mediating and doing other stuff. to help with it.
In 2005 I got married to a wonderful man. We had a son in 2006 and he was healthy. And all was good.
Then in 2007 I found my mom on the floor at her house and she had had a stroke. Did not think she was going to live. The doctors told us she had an anxiety attack sent her home. And a couple of days later I got a call  that my mom was being air lifted because she was turning blue in the face. I got to the hospital and they told us that she had had her stroke a couple of days earlier and that the other hospital was wrong when they realsed her. I started having anxiety attacks  again. I would be laying in bed thinking about her and what was I going to do if she died. I cried all the time.
Then my phone rang early on morning it was my mom.  She said that she was having chest pains and she needed to get to the hospital. So I got their and called an ambulance. The doctor told me if I would have waited any longer she would have died. They ended up doing bypass surgery on her.
My anxiety got worse after they digonised my 10 yr old with Diabetes. I found her in the hall having seizures one morning.  That was my breaking point. I went to the doctor and told him about everything I have had happen to me since 1990. And told him that I felt like I was losing my mind.
He put me on Paxil and Visteral. He does not belive in Xanax. The paxil has helped and well the visteral only makes me sleepy it does nothing for my anxiety attacks. So at my next appointment I am going to talk to him about it.
Wow. This is the first time I have ever wrote out what has happened to me to others who have went through the same thing.
I am sorry it is long.

[Hibee]

Hi All

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for most of my life but was only diagnosed with GAD and Depression about a year and half ago.  I think my anxiety really started to affect me when i started school,  due to being dyslexic, not much was know en about dyslycia back then so i was labbled as thick by the teachers and when every one else was doing lessons i was told to sit at back off classroom at a desk which looked out off a back window doing jig saws.  I totally withdrew and became reluctant to mix with other children and became very self conscious and started to fear criticism.  Over the years my anxiety's became worse but i did not tell any body as i thought that this was how things were and just tried to deal with these issues by trying to block them out.  When i was in my late teens/early twenties i began to self medicate by drinking a lot off alcohol as i found i became less anxious this then progressed on to recreational drug use (speed, mdma, marijuana, cocaine, LSD etc).  This was when my anxiety and depression started to get a lot worse and i think i have done myself some permanant damage and made these problems a lot worse.  I started to avoid getting into situations i new would make me anxious such as not going out socialising avoiding eye contact with people i became very paranoid.   I also started to develop obsessions which started to take over my life,  i was worrying about the smallest off things and blowing them out of propotion.  This was when the depression kicked in as the anxiety was really affecting my day to day life.  I was about 25yrs old at this point and new i needed help but it was not until i was 31yrs old that i finally went to the doctors for some help he referred me to the mental health team were i went through some CAT therapy which i did find helpful.  Since seeing the doctor i have been on a number off different medications and i am currently on 20mg of citalopram and 45mg of mirtazipine,  my problem now is trying to stop all the cycles i have allowed to develop over the years which i am finding very difficult as my symptoms affect me so quickly i find it hard to stop them.

[lilgina]

Hi, I'm new here. Here's my story. I have suffered with anxiety since childhood and it all began around three years old watching my mother succumb to mental illness (schizophrenia).  I clearly remember sitting at the kitchen table with my older sister and mom and dad.  Dad rubbing moms back, as she over and over said she was dying.  That was when I felt I no longer had the nurturing and shelter I needed to grow into a fearless, secure person. No blame on mom, it wasn't her fault.  My first panic attack happened around nine years old in school.  I was so afraid that people would notice and think I was crazy.  My teenage years were difficult, I was always worried about something, whethor it was mom or how my hair looked that day.  I would feel guilty when I went out to the mall or what not, leaving mom alone at home by herself.  I married at twenty years old; I'm still married to the same person 18 years later.  A few years before I got married mom stopped taking her meds and was basically in a psychotic state for 8 years until I intervened.  At the age of twenty-five I decided I could no longer sit back and watch her deteriorate, so I called the mental health coordinator at our state hospital for help.  Mom has been on her meds. ever since 1995 and doing great. I've been through many stessful times since then.  Buying a home, a failed business, dealing with infertility, a miscarriage, and my husbands infidelity.  After my husband told me about his 'secret life' in 2005 I haven't been able to shake this anxiety stricken state.  The day after he told me I had a panic attack on the highway (even though I was a passanger) and have had many, many (panic attacks) since that day. Today my thoughts are, 'when will this ever end?',  'why can't I just be normal?', 'I feel so alone'.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't let this bothersome, inconvenience stop me from doing what I want.  In 2002 I went back to school. Well, community college.  To study fine arts. My grade point average? 3.93--- was 4.0 until I took intermediate algebra, ha ha.  Sometimes it is difficult, like on the first day of a class. This may sound funny, but I literally want to run out of the classroom, screaming at the top of my lungs in panic----but I don't, I just sit there, grin and bear it.  And in drawing classes there are critques. You have to show your piece, talk in front of the class and take criticsm.  Not easy when you have panic and anxiety. When semester is over I've had more than one teacher tell me to continue on and not give up.  Thanks to everyone on this site for sharing your stories it's nice to know we are not alone.

[MargoK123]

I guess we could all write a book about our lives -- esp. me since I'm 49. 

Anyway, I've suffered form severe anxiety since I was 15.  I know exactly when it started.  It started when my mom got a call that there was a spot in Behind the Wheel available to me.  It became a huge issue and I didn't really learn how to drive until I was 24.

I guess the fact that my father was an alcoolic, my mom's dad was an alcoholic and my mom had several of her own issues didn't help.  My older sister always hated me and we never got along.  I was very close to my younger brother, however.  My mom was overly involved in our lives to say the least.  So I was not ready to grow up until later on than most people.

I could say so much more, but I won't go on too much longer.  I'm now 49 and married to a great guy and I have two daughters, ages 14 and 17.  My older daughter is suffering from many of the same growing pains as I did and it's sent me back into therapy because I feel I'm reliving that difficult period of my life. 

I have never really been on any medication that I felt helped me except for the sleep medication Trazadone.  While I'm pleased with my current therapist, I'm extremely disappointed in my meds doctor.  His answer to everything is just raise the dosage of meds.  He doesn't want to give me anything too strong.

Anyway, thanks for letting me tell my story.

Margo

[FireOpal]

I think my story is somewhat different.  I had my first anxiety attack about 2 weeks after my 40th birthday, then I had another about a month later and that's when I went to the Dr.  Of course I thougt I was having a stroke, but thankfully my best friend has anxiety and panic attacks and she always told me how she felt.  My Dr. prescribed lorizapan (spelling?), which I use only when I get that feeling in my stomach and start worrying excessively about stuff that most people wouldn't worry about.  I am also on Welbutrin.  I don't know what brought on my first attack, but the same time every I get extremely anxious and that time is now.  My first attack was in November, and every year since (3 yrs), it gets bad.  It really starts to interfere w/my job, life, etc...  So I'm still trying to cope with this and I'm still anxious.  Thanks for listening.