"GF" has phobia of meeting people, including me. Insight/Advice needed

[RustyKnight]

Let's say you meet her, there will be huge adrenalin rushes, but after that settles, what next. Relationships are very difficult and complicated when entered. Add the pressure that this is potentially yout life partner from the screen interaction and your in a bubble.

Only one way to find out. If i dont, i will always think "what if she is exactly the person i thought/think she is. But i didnt see it through till the end?". Real life relationships also have this "adrenaline rush" period and butterflies in your stomach period, and after that fades you also run the risk of things falling apart. Could you give examples of things that matter that i have not been able to experience? Remember, the way she smiles, laughs, cries, sits, dances, looks, thinks and speaks and interacts have all been made clear during the long hours of voicechat and webcam, which is real time and pretty much felt as though we were together in the same room. (Mind you, it took months before she was comfortable on cam, but she has managed to defeat that minor phobia). We both pretty much opened ourselves up completely in some very emotional and intimate talks. Maybe this sounds stupid, but i believe a person's base personality, the one i see when spent hours talking to her about her ideals and thoughts, is important. Not if she farts in bed or taps her foot in an annoying way.

By the way, i have met people from the internet before, and i have noticed this different personality aspect before, which is why we both insisted on using voicechat and webcam as often as possible. I am going get hellish comments, pity, laughing or skeptisism from people on these forums for this, but i believe we both have seen eachother's personality over the past 2 years. As cliche as it sounds, i believe this is different and am i not motivated by blind faith or fighting for a hopeless cause.

The unfortunate reality is you won't meet this girl. Cuchculan has explained this well, so I won't go over it. CM has an excellent post on this too, rec well deserved,. Your online girl won't be meeting you.

Dispite what posters here said what i dont understand is why people say there is no hope in her meeting me, when i recently offered an option to her she hasnt considered or tried before. An option she did not reject and admitted she's capable of pursueing if/when she changes her mind about being unable to be my 'GF'. Earlier today she again stated she loves me, not as a friend, but more than that. Isnt that worth holding out for for a few more months, to see if she wants to try again, ask her doctor for those strong-short-term meds she hasnt tried before and see if they allow her to overcome this phobia?

There are so many single women looking for a decent man in every country. Go and meet someone close to home. Even use the net, but try a dating site and meet within a week, the longer interaction is based online, the less chance of an ultimately successful relationship.

You can and will meet someone, you won't meet this girl too. Make your life a lot easier and make the decision that I'd argue is deep down inside you. Perhaps why you came here really? End this online relationship, step out and enjoy meeting some genuine ladies closer to home.

I know there are plenty of single women in my country, i am not desperate, i know i can get a new GF here at home, whether i meet them through the net, or in a bar. And i have been in love a dozen times, both online and offline, but never like this. In all previous cases, i would have (and did indeed) given up.

I came here to find out what the best way is to help ease her worries, help her find the confidence to try again and help her overcome her fears. If a few months down the line, the break turns into a break up, i will give up, remove her from my life and move on, knowing i did everything i could and not have any regrets or "what if's". I wont be able to close this 'chapter' while there is a good chance she will settle down after this pause in our relationship, and try these options she hasnt tried before.

I really appreciate that you people are advicing me to pick the least painful option for me. I understand why you people do. But some friends of mine who know her and i confined in adviced me to give her some time and space, and give her a chance to change her mind and try this option we havent considered before, and that's what i want to do. Yes, i can imagine you are rolling your eyes and groaning and facepalming at this romantic fool that just wont accept 'defeat' and move on. heh, yeah i'm a stubborn naive fool like that, ill never regret that. If it wasnt for this option of asking for strong short-term meds, a very realistic option, i would have given up. And if this option is indeed tried by her but fails, then giving up is what i'll do. If she refuses to try it, i'll give up. If she turns the break into a break-up, i'll give up. I really wish i asked around and found this option sooner, before she felt pressured and unable to continue trying. 

What i want advice on, is how best to help her regain confidence in herself and help overcome these reasons she mentioned for calling a break. She loves me, wants to truly meet me in real life, but lost her confidence.

(On a brighter side, we spent some time doing things together today, watching a TV series, playing some videogames together, laughing and chatting as we used to, for the first time since we went on a break.)

[sweetnspunky]

I understand. Like I said I have been where you are and I know this thing can work. I had 2 years of people doubting and making jokes about I really didn't know him. Well guess what? My online long distance boyfriend for almost 2 years is in the next room, who I am so happy to say I am getting ready to cuddle and fall asleep with. I could not imagine us just giving up and not know what I have now. It is possible. I believe what others are saying it don't always work that way. The odds are not in your favor, but =the odds are beaten every day. As far as helping your girlfriend have you mentioned this site to her for support and answers? I really do understand what you are going through right now and I know it sucks so much. If you ever want to chat about it with me personal message me.

[Cuchculan]

But Rusty's online girl is showing clear signs of backing away. He even said that himself. At other times she has sent out mixed messages. The only way to really find out is to ask her out straight. Are we ever going to really meet. Simple question to ask. Explaining that you have been getting mixed messages and feelings over the last few weeks. That you don't know where you stand. And you would like to know where you stand. The easiest way to find out the truth.

[RustyKnight]

But Rusty's online girl is showing clear signs of backing away. He even said that himself. At other times she has sent out mixed messages. The only way to really find out is to ask her out straight. Are we ever going to really meet. Simple question to ask. Explaining that you have been getting mixed messages and feelings over the last few weeks. That you don't know where you stand. And you would like to know where you stand. The easiest way to find out the truth.

Actually, i did that when she asked for a break. She said she hopes her feelings on the matter of being unable to try meeting will change and that we will meet. When i mentioned people sometimes get short-term (3-6 hours) medication to help them overcome a phobia that manifests itself in specific rare events she clearly seemed taken aback, she had lost all hope and had decided to give up, then i come in and offer a realistic option.

It is possible that a few months from now she will make the break definitive and i will then remove her from my life to prevent myself from getting hurt by being 'friends' with her while she's dating other guys. But it is also very possible she will want to talk about her reasons and try it again.

[RustyKnight]

Btw, her reasons for 'backing up' or wanting a break are:

- A girl from close to my hometown i recently became friends with sent me some pictures of a proffessional photoshoot she did, which turned out to be an underwear photoshoot. I messed up there because the girl did passingly mention it was an underwear shoot but i wasnt paying attention, i should have been more careful, and when i saw what kind of pictures they were i informed my GF about it because i felt i might have done something inappropriate. My GF was extremely displeased with me over this, and this was actually the trigger that caused her to vent all the things bothering her and call for a break. (Id like to add that no funny business happened between me and this other girl. No flirting of any kind, and the pictures she sent me she also put on 0409 for hundreds of guys to see. Neither me or this other girl have any interest in another, infact, she felt guilty about the pictures being the trigger for the break, and she has talked to my GF several times to apoligise and try to convince her to not break up with me.)
When i asked my GF last week, she was still a little bit angry at me over this matter.

- The fact that this other girl was able to send me (underwear) pictures, webcam and voicechat within days of first meeting, capable of meeting me and living close by, made my girlfriend think she's only "on par" with this girl and not worth waiting for when i can "easily replace her", according to her. It took my GF close to a year to be able to do what this girl did in several days, so she no longer feels she's special or worth waiting for. When i asked, she admitted that meeting in real life before this girl does might make her feel she's better than this girl again. I have no plans to meet this other girl in real life, she's just someone i chat to from time to time when i'm bored.

- She says she doesnt know how to overcome her phobia on short term and the idea i proposed and planned the past months, about me just going on vacation in her hometown to help take the first step for her, made her feel pressured and that i might be running out of patience and that i am unhappy with what she currently gives me. I explained to her that it was only an oppertunity and that if she didnt show up i would enjoy myself, enjoy my vacation and get used to her hometown some more. It wasnt a "now or never" action or any indication that i ran out of patience. She acknowledged my explanation but i am unsure if it was enough.

- I mentioned a few times i will miss some things in my home country when/if i move to hers. For the past 9 months she's been feeling guilty about this but never mentioned it, and she twisted it till she now thinks i will be unhappy living in her country, being "ripped away from my friends/family". When infact the missing is more of a nostalgic thing, rather than unhappiness. I know this of myself, but she seems to not believe me, or think i am wrong.

- She is terrified about the period between our first meeting, and when i will be able to live in her country/hometown 24/7. Why? Well she believes that once she has physical contact with me, she will miss me so much to the point of getting depressed whenever i am not able to see her on a daily basis. And she believed it would take anywhere between 6 months to a year before i might be able to move to her country. I tried to tell her that it will likely be between 2 and 6 months, because i saved up a lot of money, i can easily get an IT job in her hometown, both countries are in the EU so there is little paperwork, and i'm pretty much ready for it and willing to jump in and try it. And in the meantime i can easily visit her every other weekend thanks to a cheap airliner i found. She admitted it sounded less bad as she feared, but is not entirely convinced yet.

- A week or three before the break she had some extremely stressful exams for her university. Those took a heavy toll on her, combined with the above reasons they pushed her close to a minor breakdown.

[RustyKnight]

Well i spent a couple of hours talking to her tonight and things got a bit clearer. All the reasons she stated for calling a break come back to the fact she no longer feels special or worth waiting/moving countries for. She says she doesnt really believe me when i say i consider her special or worth it, stating she believes i believe it, but thinks i am wrong.
Ironically, she considers me special and worth all the effort, with my mix of characteristics and personality, and her loving me stronger than she ever loved a guy before being what makes me special. But that same argument doesnt work both ways it seems... 

All of this is triggered by that female friend of mine who, in the eyes of my GF, managed to do everything she did but in only 2-3 days, insted of 6-12 months. Specifically, the girl showing me pictures of that underwear photoshoot made my GF feel absolutely horrible and worthless ( ) as she hasnt been able to do something like that yet. You can imagine how stupid i feel for accepting those pictures in the first place. I asked her if she's still mad at me about that and she replied with "a bit". Three weeks is kinda a long time to be staying mad about me having a 5 second lapse of judgement. Sure, i shouldnt have accepted underwear pictures from another girl, i know that, but i didnt realise they were that revealing/sexy until i saw them, after all, the picture of herself she showed me first was decent and not-inappropriate, i figured the rest of the photoshoot was the same way. Thats why i told my GF about them, figured honesty was the best policy, though right now i am thinking i should have just kept my mouth shut.

Ironically, a few days after this girl showed me those pictures, she also sent them to another friend of hers, whose girlfriend saw them on his phone and promptly broke up with him. His now ex-GF is determined to hunt this "underwear pictures" girl down and beat her up...whoopsie...

My GF is able to talk without anger or malice with this girl (Who apologised to my GF and tried to convince her to get back to me) , she believes it was just me who made a mistake and did something stupid, not her.

My GF is convinced nothing can make her feel better or special compared to this other girl again because she 'beat her to it' when it came to sending 'provocative pictures'. Though when i joked that maybe she should go a step further and send me nude pictures, to feel 'better' than this girl, i was suprised to find out she did not count that out as a possible solution but she argued her phobias have been preventing her from going beyond appearing in just a tank top and a skirt. 

And asking the doctor for meds so she can send underwear/nude pictures to a guy she is in love with so she can feel she is able to give as much as some other girl did is rather....silly, though judging from the talk i had with her it would very likely give her a huge confidence boost and would have a big chance of making her feel better than just "on par" with other girls who do not have such phobias about meeting or sending sexy pictures.

It all seems so silly, it makes you want to shake her by her shoulders and tell her the pictures are meaningless and what she does give me is ten times more important and valuable. Sadly, even that didnt seem to change anything.

Anyone got ideas on this one, based on this post?

[Cuchculan]

Move on and get a real life.

[sixpack]

sounds like cuch has a good point.

you can either hope for some furthering of this relationship and spend another year or two trying to get this girl to make more steps.  OR you can do the "friends" talk with her and then heal and move onto a real life relationship.

At this point the ball is in your court.  It is your decision to make.

[Irishmanwrites]

I agree with Cuch. Time to form a real relationship. Drop this. It's all a waste of time and troubling and a game.

[RustyKnight]

@Cuchculan, i do have a "real life" thank you very much. You are of course right in me having to move on, i thank you for that but no need to be a jerk. 

Anyway,

The past months i have indeed been moving on with my life, though i did not break all contact with her.

After a few weeks of absense and me thinking she was gone for good this afternoon she came online on 0276 and started talking to me and a mutual friend of ours, we think she was very drunk.

She told me how she is now sort of dating a girl. It's not official yet but they like each other.... that was tough to hear but at that moment i could atleast cut all contact and move on.

Sadly she started talking all about her wild parties the past week, skipping university and her very important essays that need to be done tomorrow in order to get drunk. Appearantly she's been parting hard throughout the week together with this new girl she met and is now sort of dating.

This new 'gf' she's seeing dragged her into more clubs when she wanted to go home, poured vodka down her top, they danced and chatted up to everyone and went home with some random guy. At his place they partied drank and danced throughout the night and trashed his place.....and woke up all 3 of them in his bed, noone remembering if they had sex or not.

I asked her how the heck she could go that far and get so drunk she might have had unprotected sex with a stranger and ruin her uni stuff and she replied with a weird: "*shrugs* it happens. To most people anyway".

And she felt it was a proper university life week and felt it was all worth it. She is usually extremely driven and worried about her uni grades etc, and this promicious behaviour she used to have before she met me was something she used to feel bad about.

So i told her i was going to step away, that i couldnt see her ruin her life like this and get hurt by hearing these stories that make me sad. That she can contact me only when she stops being like this and if she changes her mind and wants me back and we MIGHT be able to talk about that but that now she has lost me completely, even my friendship. (something she was terrified of the past months). And taking her back is a big if and is going to bring with it a lot of working on her issues before i do so. And a pregnancy and STD test...

Owh get this, last thing i said was that i loved her, she said she loves me too. So i told her its just a friendlove she feels and that she has moved on and no longer has sexual/romantic interest in me. She said "of course i still have that". So then i told her if she still has that she should work on her issues insted of doing this. She had no reply to that and that was the last of her, she went offline a short while later and i removed her from all my ways of contacting her and removed all her pictures and things that remind me of her.

Whatever she does while she's single is up to her, w/e, she's free to do as she pleases. If she wants me back in the future i just need to know if she's clean and not pregnant, and i wont be confronted by random guys/girls she spread her legs for......

But i warned her before not to give me these details but she did anyway because she was probably too drunk to notice. From what that friend of ours said she literally just copy-pasted the same story to us both. He was also uncomfortable and shocked at her behaviour.

Seeing an ex with someone else is enough reason to break contact, hearing her tell these stories while drunk and not thinking of how it makes me feel is another reason. Finally, watching someone you care about drink, dance and shag her life to ruin is enough reason to get her out of my life.
So thats what i have done. I think in her drunken stupor she had no idea how it made me feel. I will not be there to catch her when she comes down from her wild partying high and feels like she's worthless.

I would like to apoligise to everyone on this forum who was right all along and me being naive and too lovestruck to think that by being patient with her she would come to me to fix things like she said she would. Luckily i had already backed away about 1,5 month ago. It seems that caused her to be majorly depressed because she still wanted my love/attention.

So depressed infact she was having suicidal thoughts and went to her therapist for the first time in a long time...and after a single 5 hour session appearantly she was told she would just have to get over it that she still wants my love/affection but feels she is unable to get them because of her reasons for breaking up with me and me being unwilling to be the kind of friend she wanted me to be.

There were no follow up therapy sessions..... 

This shocking change in her lifestyle and behaviour has ripped open wounds i thought were healing. I went full No Contact with her from now on and she needs to get help insted of "slutting around" as i see it.


The person i have been in love with for 3 years is dead...killed by her own issues.  That's dramatic but how it feels at the moment.