"GF" has phobia of meeting people, including me. Insight/Advice needed

[RustyKnight]

Hello people,
I have ended up in a situation i am not familiar with and i'm getting desperate. So i hope you readers would be so kind to assist or advice. And i hope my threat isnt offensive to anyone.

I am currently in a 'online relationship' of a sorts with a young woman from a neighbouring country. That is to say, we accidentally met online and started chatting, she started developing feelings for me and started 'chasing' me, hoping i would have the same feelings....and indeed feelings started developing, very strong feelings. 
Me and the girl really wanted to move the relationship to the real world to see if things were as good there as they have been online, since you never know how things 'click' in the real world, but we definately were crazy about each other and even discussed and planned how things would work out once we start living together etc. Heh, lovestruck little people we are/were. (For the sake of convenience, i am going to refer to this girl as my girlfriend, or GF.)

Now when we started talking about meeting up in the real world, she quickly stated it might take a few months for her to get ready, as she was suffering from anxiety when meeting new people, and because of a nasty incident in her past, meeting people from the internet greatly intensifies this until it triggers massive panic attacks. Showing herself on webcam and pictures was hard enough already and she doesnt like doing it.
I patiently waited and enjoyed what we had, every now and then talking to her about it but not pushing her, just trying to motivate her by talking about the fun stuff we could do as soon as we have met.

A year went by and i eventually asked her what she was doing to get over her phobia, she pretty much indicated that even talking about it was very scary and that she didnt talk to anyone about it, and just hoping it would go away. She did talk to her therapist about it to try to get assistance for it, but her therapist dismissed it with a "not going to help you chasing a fantasy" . Mind you, her therapist is not that highly qualified and is one that was assigned to her to only help her stabilize whenever she suffers periods of heavy depression and selfharm, not to help her overcome her phobias though she did some light work on it. However my GF has been stable and hasnt seen her therapist in over 6-8 months as far as i know.

She did talk to her regular doctor if he could help with her anxiety/panic attacks and she is on daily doses of anti-anxiety medication. These helped her with general levels of anxiety but do nothing to prevent her from recieving panic attacks or anxiety when making telephone calls or trying to meet me. So a few months ago we talked about the option of me just taking a vacation to her hometown and staying in a hotel there, maybe it would allow her to get used to being a bit "closer" to me, and if she does decide to 'get it over with and meet me' i would only be minutes away from her, insted of the several days it would take for either of us to book a flight and come over. We didnt make concrete plans to execute this idea yet.

Now 1,5 week ago she suddenly said she could no longer be my "GF" and wanted a break. This was literally minutes after i told her how a new female friend i made from my own country was goofing off on webcam and sending some pictures she liked (Nothing perverted btw. dont get the wrong idea. This girl and i see each other purely as friends). Now i only mentioned it to my GF because what this girl showed me was just something funny i wanted to share.  But this made my GF feel she was nothing special, and that this new friend of mine showed herself on cam on the 2nd day while it took my GF months to do so, made her feel she is "only on par with this girl", insted of better.

She then mentioned she has been walking around with feelings of guilt for the past months, without telling me about it. She would feel guilty for making me move to her country, when i could get a girl 'just like her' in my own country. She added that i said several times that i would miss a few things from my hometown and she concluded that would make me unhappy in her country and that in turn would make her unhappy. And that it is unfair of her that she 'made me fall in love with her' while she knew of her phobia of meeting people and that i have been forced to wait for her and have my 'time wasted by her'.

So at the moment, we are taking a break from the online relationship, and dispite my attempts at reassuring her she's special and worth waiting for, and that moving to her country would be hard at first but fun and exciting, her feelings on the matter wont budge.
She still loves me and misses being my "GF", when she asked for a break she admitted she hopes her feelings on the matter will change or will be changed by me.

After doing some research i discovered some stories about people from her country being prescribed a few doses of Diazepram or other heavy medication so they would be able to go on the holiday of their dreams dispite extreme phobias of flying, as the medication would 'lobotomize' them for a few hours till the worst is over. And this COULD be kinda what she needs. Yesterday i asked her if she has any kind of meds such as these for when she needs extra help, or if she ever talked to her doctor about recieving some so she's able to do some rare or one-time events, such as meeting me, or having a very important telephone conversation.
It turns out she only talked to him once about anxiety/panic attacks and didnt mention any specifics, so the doctor prescribed her normal dosage daily medication.

It might have been a morally grey area but i asked if she was able/willing to explain the situation to her doctor and see/ask if he could provide her with a solution. She said she probably is able to do so.

So, i would like some advice from people who actually know what it feels like to have panic attacks and anxiety etc. As i have suffered anxiety plenty a times but nowhere as strong as my GF or the people on this forum probably have .

1: Am i doing something morally wrong in trying to convince her not to give up and that we can work out these circumstances, that she's stronger than she might think.
2: Am i doing something morally wrong in asking her to consider 'resorting to pills' just so us starcrossed lovers can try a proper relationship? Mind you she still wants to but she feels she cant try anymore.
3: Would/could a doctor actually help with this and provide meds strong enough to stop her panic attacks even if normal daily meds dont work?
4: Any other possible alteratives?

[sweetnspunky]

I believe I maybe able to give you a little advice. I met my boyfriend on a dating application on my cell phone. I wasn't really looking for a real serious relationship at the time. So we started talking on the phone because he lived over six hundred miles away from me. We eventually fell in love. I know a lot of people don't believe in online or long distance relationships but it worked for us. I have severe anxiety and depression. We messaged each other and talked on the phone for over a year. Then eventually I got the courage to travel with my mother and 2 friends none the less to meet him. I have no idea how I got the courage to travel that far since I am agoraphobic, but I did. We met and it was amazing! A month later he moved to live here with me. We have now been together for over 3 years and we are very happy. But trust me it is hard at times with my anxiety and depression. Yes, my doctor gave me a couple of Xanax's to take on the trip in case I had a panic attack. When I first met him I did get really nervous and had a panic attack, but the Xanax helped a lot. I do not think it is wrong to ask her about medication as long she is o.k. with it. I believe that you can make it work if you really want to (her included). It is only normal for you to convince her to work this out and do anything she can to make this work. I really wish you and her the best!

[RustyKnight]

Thank you for the hopeful words :)

Though sadly i believe she will not be able to have the same amount of courage you have. Not unless she first sees that medication can allow her to do things that normally cause her to panic. We can easily test this before meeting in the real world.

But for that to happen she first needs hope that things can indeed work out, that if she does meet me in the real world she will FEEL she's better than other girls. And that me moving to her country in the future, to be with her, is not something to feel guilty about.

May i ask what you told your doctor? How did you convince him to supply you with medical aid to meet some guy you love? Wont that be something a doctor could just scoff at as unimportant?

[jane134]

Hi Rusty

1: Am i doing something morally wrong in trying to convince her not to give up and that we can work out these circumstances, that she's stronger than she might think. - - I don't think so. She sounds like she is in need  of some reassurance as anxiety can really destroy a person's confidence and self esteem. I think by you mentioning the other girl (even though it was innocent!), she put her defense barriers up and may have backed away to try and save herself from getting hurt.

2: Am i doing something morally wrong in asking her to consider 'resorting to pills' just so us starcrossed lovers can try a proper relationship? Mind you she still wants to but she feels she cant try anymore --  A lot of anxious folk need meds to be able to function. Trying a new med out might be just what she needs to start taking some brave steps forward.

3: Would/could a doctor actually help with this and provide meds strong enough to stop her panic attacks even if normal daily meds dont work? - - I am sure her Dr would help with this.....but i do think that she does need to find another therapist also. CBT therapy works wonders for some.

4: Any other possible alteratives?. Healthy diet, exercise, drinking lots of water, relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, self-help books.

Good luck. Is sounds as if she has a bad case of Social Anxiety. I have suffered with it myself and made great improvements with therapy.

[RustyKnight]

It seems extremely hard to talk to her about it now, as she has totally convinced herself she is unable to even try to do something about this, and wants to stay 'just friends' so i can get a girl that's easier to be with and she wouldnt 'lose me completely' that way.... 

I asked her earlier today if she gave the idea any thought, but i didnt get a reply. Maybe i should just back off and leave her alone as it seems like talking to a wall. 

Maybe if she misses me she might think about the idea and give it a try. I dont know what to do anymore.

[sweetnspunky]

I believe I asked for a couple or pills for my short trip. I believe he gave me a prescription of 3 Xanax's. I believe doctors don't have such an issue prescribing benzos if it is very short term.

It sounds like she may have become a little overwhelmed with everything right now. I would just back off the issue of meeting for a just a little bit to see if she starts to feel more comfortable approaching the subject. But still give her support and let her know that you still care about her and will be patient with her.

[Sarii83]

Hey Rusty!

I am in a similar situation, but the distance is not quite as far. I've met someone online and will be traveling from Indiana (my state) to California to meet them at the end of this month. I've basically just looked at the trip as an adventure and a way to prove to myself that I am as capabale as anyone else to travel and experience love and life. I have extreme Generalized Anxiety/Panic Disorder w/ Agoraphobia/Social Anxiety. But who cares? :) You get your mind set in the right direction and anything is possible. Something as strong as love can be enough to propel you through things you never imagined possible. I have Lorazapam(generic Ativan) to take for the flight(s) and probably the initital meeting (or all the meetings).  I do not think suggesting medication for a short-term trip is morally wrong on your part. I think, in severe cases, it is necessary in facilitating them. Otherwise, it's just torture to get through it and torture to have missed out on such experiences. A lose/lose.

I hope that by me sharing my current situation, it can somehow benefit you and her. Good luck to you both! Wish you the best.

[RustyKnight]

Yes sharing it did give me some hope. Thank you so much! And i told her how i found examples of how she's not alone in this and that there might be a solution. She acknowledge it but didnt comment on it.

She has been trying to overcome this a very long time now, i have been waiting forever for her. Of course, i had plenty of other stuff in my life to focus on, so i do not in any way feel i was "waiting" and missing out on stuff. She doesnt seem to understand how little all of this affects me. She's the most wonderful person i ever "met"  and id gladly wait a couple more years if that's what it takes.

It just seems her hope has run out, and she feels it's better to quit the 'relationship' and stay friends or break contact because:

- She feels unable to work up the courage to try anything related to fighting the phobia.
- This new female friend being able to do things with me right from day 1 made her feel she's not as good as her.
- She's been feeling very guilty about me having to move to her country if a relationship works out.

There is still some 'intimacy' in our talks though she doesnt initiate any online activities anymore, other than small talk and some 'naughtiness'. She tells me we can still do whatever i like to do whenever i want. So at the moment it's a bit confusing if i should back off or keep going on as before. (We consider our situation what people could call "a break", so kinda between friends and BF/GF)

Complex situation, hench me coming to these boards to gain insight in how phobias work, as she's hesitant to talk openly about them.

[Sarii83]

I know that for me, it was/is important to have someone who has 100% faith in me. I think everyone ultimately wants that in a partner, but in people as sensitive as us, it's especially important. If you truly think she's one of a kind and worth the wait, I would definitely let her know that. Not only know, but show her. It is then her responsibility to work out the insecurity issues. All you can do is reassure/support her of your love and commitment. It's important to remember that while we do have a disorder, we aren't helpless. As you can see, a lot of individuals on this site are intelligent. She can make smart and educated choices for herself and her relationship(s). Bottom line is that you can only do so much through your love and support -- she has to make important decisions and steps for herself if she wants a change.

[RustyKnight]

Hi Sarii,

I keep telling her how much she's worth waiting for etc, but my hands are kinda tied when it comes to actually showing it. I would have no idea how to do that.

Also, the past 2 weeks (since the break) i have told her a few times that she will have to let me know when she wants to do something together. But she hasnt made a single effort in doing something together other than occassional small talk and, well i wont go into details so lets call it online "intimacy". So it's hard to show any kind of support etc when she's being so distant and i am kinda a "friend with benefits" for the time being and she doesnt want to talk about the break or her phobias. She mentioned we can still do whatever i like when i like, but she herself has shown 0 initiative.

The day of the break and for about a week following it she seemed really upset and feeling awful about "losing me as a BF" and terrified at the thought of also losing me as a friend if she makes the break final and moves on with someone else. This is probably because i mentioned i might not be able or willing to stay friends (it would hurt a huge amount). About a week ago i did mention i reconsidered and would attempt to stay friends if that's what she chooses. She seems to be feeling better the past week, and i have no idea if she's still as heartbroken as i am.

This is probably going offtopic and into the realm of relationship issues, sorry.

But i really dont know if i should keep trying to start talks with her, or back off and give her space. 

[constantmover]

Hi RustyKnight,

I've read everything written so far on this topic. No matter whether or not there is an anxiety disorder involved, on-line love is pretty tricky.  It can turn out to be wonderful or you may get to her country and find that it is a complete disaster.  Some people I know who have had these types of relationships, once they actually meet it hasn't gone so well.  Others have had wonderful experiences with on-line relationships and have gone on to marriage. 

What you have to figure out is, is this girl being completely up front with you.  I don't want to play devils advocate here but one does have to consider that maybe she has grown uninterested in you other than as a friend.  You said you are kind of friends with benefits now, yet she isn't really initiating any of the "benefits" and is showing 0 interest in such.  It is possible that the new friend in your life has influenced how she is feeling toward you, but also there is the possibility that she simply has come to realize that even if you lived right next door, she either isn't into you enough or she is but isn't mentally in a position to be involved in anything other than an on line relationship and even better, one with someone who can't just drive over to see her on a whim, but would have to fly.  Basically what I'm saying is you are kind of a safe date.  She doesn't have to leave her house and she doesn't have to have you over...it is far easier to be in a relationship on-line than one in the same city.  She can turn off the laptop and not have to worry about how you live, keep house, cook, smell, or any of the things in a so called 'normal' relationship. 

I know this sounds harsh and I'm sure I'll get some negative feedback about this, but someone has to mention the possibility that she could simply never truly commit to you and because you live so far away, you kind of are a safe date and maybe she has also come to realize that she is only really comfortable with someone far away because of her disorder.  If she is in therapy then she knows about medication that one can take.  Those of us with this disorder are generally well aware of the medications and have been offered them by our doctors. 

If she has shut down when medication has come up....It could be because of fear of you actually meeting or she just doesn't want to go through with it.  The way you are now or were was a really nice fantasy...you moving or visiting would end the fantasy and reality may not be what she is ready for. 

I suggest that you let things just cool for a while.  If you want to get in touch with her then OK, but leave out the talk about visiting and boyfriend/girlfriend stuff and definitely the 'benefits' part.  If she initiates something then you have every right to ask her what her intentions are and get clear as to what she expects.  If she waffles, OK this is the tough part...if you want to try and remain friends then do it, otherwise, kick her to the curb.  You've spent so much time on this one girl who after so long can't decide if she want to see you or take the initiative by taking medication to see you, then honestly, you need to move on.  I know this sounds harsh, but this is coming from someone who has GAD, panic, agoraphobia and social anxiety...and have had it in different degrees throughout my life.  I managed to move to a different city, get married and have two children.  I recognize that not everyone can do that with this disorder, but truly, if you meant that much to her, she would find a way to move heaven and earth to get herself on track so she could meet you. 

I'm just trying to keep it real here.  Each person who has responded to you has also mentioned that there are medications she can take and the doctor would prescribe for a short period of time.  Some have mentioned that they have taken or are going to take said medications to get on a plane and meet someone they have met on-line or in one case met and then married.  They have taken or are taking the steps because it means that much to them.  Think about that.  Even if this girl really wants to do it but just can't, you could end up waiting forever and never meet because she isn't willing to take that chance with anyone.  Think about it.  You are young and maybe this girl is special but there are lots of really special girls out there.  Basically, if I were you, I'd move on...Sorry, but it sounds far too one sided to me and this is coming from a mother of two girls.  If she really wanted you, she would figure out a way to make it happen.

[RustyKnight]

She has been too embarrased to talk to people specifically about this problem of being unable to meet me. Just to her therapist who refused to help her with it. So she's been trying to overcome the phobia by waiting "till it passes", which was the wrong approach.

She has had normal relationships plenty of times before btw, so the idea that maybe she doesnt want to be more than an online girlfriend seems out of place to me. And it's always her who initiates the "benefits". She asked for medication before, but because of her embarrasement she asked her GP for help in dealing with her anxiety/phobias in general, rather than in specific cases. Hench, he only prescribed her daily medication that help a little with her general anxiety levels.
Also, i found out why she shut down when i brought up the medication, she probably have mentioned the break, her reasons for wanting a break, or medication about once every two days or so. And she feels she hasnt had a break or time yet.

Actually, i wish i brought up this specific option of asking for heavy short term meds a long time ago, when she still was very excited and hopeful about her ability to overcome this. She likely would have gone for it for sure. 

On the bright side, she admitted she still loves me very much and misses being my girlfriend. And she mentioned a day after the break that she, like me, hopes she will change how she feels about her inability to carry on trying and that we can be together. The day she asked for a break she actually inflicted self harm on herself because she was depressed and hurting she was going to lose the "greatest guy in the world".
That's always scary of course but she has since stabilized though and the harm was minor.
It is possible her interest in me has gone down a bit, actually we talked about that and she did confirm she's a little bit less into me but that it was only a little bit, she agreed it would be a natural result of all the guilty and worries she's been carrying around the past 9 months. (She mentioned feeling guilty about me giving up my life here in my country for the past 9 months.)

Thank you for your insight though :) The points you mentioned did cross my mind before and it is of course a possibility. I am not ready/willing to just throw in the towel and "move on" as you suggested, but i am going to give her space, be supportive when she approaches me, and mentally prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

Yeah, i know...i'm stubborn, naive and a hopeless romantic...but i like me, and good luck to anyone trying to change me. 

[constantmover]

No one wants to change you and I certainly wish you the best.  My post was only meant to make sure you've looked at this relationship from all angles and to realize that there is a possibility that it may not survive, but I actually love the fact that you are a hopeless romantic.  I just don't want to see you hurt or shocked or blame yourself in any way if she puts a stop to your relationship.  Those of us with this disorder always want to be in the driver's seat...in control.  Anxiety is all about control.  When we feel we don't have that, that is when the panic/anxiety becomes heightened. 

Also, I'm sure she is really worried that if you decide to go to her country and it doesn't work out, she will feel responsible and that would be hard for her regardless of how you feel.  There is also the issue,,, what about visa and work...How difficult would it be to get either?  Have you looked into that?  This is way different than someone moving to another State within their own country.  That is easy compared to moving to another country and being able to get a visa and find work. 

I truly wish you the best in your relationship and I hope you can find a way to make this work.  Take good care of yourself.

[RustyKnight]

Both countries are in the european union, moving and finding work requires little paperwork and with my education as a IT Engineer i should be able to find a job without too much trouble, i also saved up a lot of money to bridge the gap so to speak. Infact, once a month or so i get approached by a company from all around the EU asking if i am i looking for work. Including companies from the country she lives in.

And yeah, i do realise the possiblity of the relationship not surviving. I had a cry or two about it the past weeks and i prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I will not blame myself as i personally think i have been a great guy for her since we got involved, something she has repeatidly told me, and have shown huge amounts of support and patience. Nor will i blame her as she's feeling really really guilty about this entire mess and hurt probably more than me, and i have seen her grow in strength dramatically. (Funnily enough, she mentioned a few times i am the reason she has been able to grow stronger, often calling me her "shiny knight". The funny part being that i never tried to 'fix' her or anything, i just loved her  )

Actually, last night we kinda figured out that my idea of going on a vacation in her hometown, without directly meeting her if she doesnt want to, made her feel pressured. My intention was to make things easier for her as the time between deciding to meet me, and actually meeting me, would be less than an hour, insted of a week or so. This appearantly made her feel like what she already gives me is not enough for me and that i was pushing for more. I explained to her what the idea behind it was and that there is no deadline and it wasnt a "now or never" action on my part. It may have helped a bit, only time will tell.

For now, i will need to pull back and give her time and space as she indicated she didnt feel she got any.

[Cuchculan]

Dare I say ' been there and done that ' as far as meeting a person off the net is concerned. In fact I met two females that I became close to online. And both out to be disaster stories. It is so easy to fall in love with the whole idea of a person. The words you are hearing. You build and image up in your head about this person straight away. Just like if you went into the chatroom on this site. You would probably build a few images up of people you chat to. What you imagine they look like. You may like their words on screen. They may make you laugh. They make you smile. Everthing that has been missing from your life up until that moment. You become closer to them online. You swap pictures. You advance to voice chat. Then onto the phone calls. Everything seems so perfect. It is all you ever dreamed of. So you arrange to meet. It is at this point if it is going to go wrong it will. One person might get cold feet. Then the excuses come. But for the sake of my own story let us say we went ahead and met. It is only then you get to know the real person. Who can be very different than the sweet person online. I was met with the words ' I never told my husband about you, you might have to go back home ' on my first adventure. Granted the husband was not living in the house. Then I got ' don't open the door or answer the phone '. This more made me laugh. I couldn't have written a better comedy script. But the snow fell. And I was trapped there for a few months. No way out at all. The first chance I got I was gone. It was just like living someone with nothing going on at all. Awkward. But funny in a sense. A few years after that I dived in again. The thing this person forget to tell me was that she had a partener back where she lived. Yes. I sure knew how to pick them. She always came over here. But she came clean after about a year. So she wouldn't have to buy me a birtday present. Two attempts, two flops. My message would be just make sure all is as it seems in advance. Don't fully committ too early. A quick visit. To suss the place out. Just to be safe. To make sure you are not giving up your life for nothing. They work for some people. Good luck to those people. But they are few and far between. If she doesn't want to meet and has been playing a bit of a game she will come up with excuses the second you say ' yes, I am on my way '. It is always the time they back out of things. As some don't expect things to really go that far. They love the chase online. The nice words. But that is all they ever really wanted. Always a touch and go situation.

[RustyKnight]

I'm sorry to hear about your bad experiences Cuchculan. I understand the risk involved, but if i don't stick around and try to find a way to find out if this might work, i will regret it and think "what if" the rest of my life. I'd much rather give it all my best, fail, and atleast be able to tell myself i did my best. 

As for the past days, well there has been no change. Communication still occurs daily, but sporadic and restricted to short periods of small talk, and every 1-3 days she approaches me for 'cybersex'. She does not seem all that interested in doing other online activities like we used to. A few days ago a female friend of mine asked her why she still has my name between hearts in her screenname, she replied that's because she still loves me. My (ex?)GF seemed annoyed that my friend wanted to try to convince her to resume the relationship while she felt she only now got a break from my attempts to convince her. (My female friend feels a bit 'responsible', she's the girl i talked about in my first post). My GF flat out said she didnt feel she has gotten "a break" yet or time to come to me to fix stuff.

In a perhaps odd gesture, i offered her the option to 'block' me for a couple of days to enforce it, if she feels she wants some space and a break and i fail to give that. As long as she nicely informs me about it in advance. She has, as far as i know, not made any attempts at contacting her doctor concerning meds to help her meet me. But i think getting her to come to me to want to fix things is the #1 priority at the moment.

EDIT:
Bit of a setback a few minutes ago, the past hours i have been feeling quite down again about this situation and when she said she went to bed i, without thinking, fell back into my old habit of giving her my usual "Goodnight hun, i love you" reply and when she replied with "likewise" insted of the usual "i love you to" i was a bit dissapointed, which i expressed with a "meh...k". She expressed an annoyed sigh and went offline. To clarify, in our communication, i have learned that replying with "likewise" means she is annoyed, angry or bothered and doesnt want to say "i love you to". When either of us says "k" insted of "ok" it in 90% of the cases means something along the lines of "yeah ok, whatever". I sadly did not get a change to explain as she went offline right after expressing her annoyance.

Seems like a tiny thing, but because of this situation it feels worse and i feel like i'm on eggshells. I am not sure if she will eventually come to me to talk about fixing this...or if she will slowly kill off her feelings for me and use me as "friends with cyber-benefits" till she finds a guy close to home. Her emotional distance the past weeks can be explained either way, though knowing her it is unlikely she would use me or intentionally cause me harm.

I think i can either keep giving her all the things she asks for: quickly reply to her attempts at communication, random banter and smalltalk attempts from my side , cyber-sex, etc. Or i can withhold all contact unless it's about talking about resuming our relation and fixing the issues she sees with it. I am kinda at a loss which one of the two has the best change of succes. 

[RustyKnight]

Accidental double post.

[Cuchculan]

It sounds like she is enjoying herself online. Cybersex and the likes. There is only so far you take things online. You showed you were silling to committ and she seemed to back away. I have no doubt she would happy to keep you online. Not sure about offline though. Doesn't look like that will ever go anywhere. Just my opinion from experience. Seems like she back away the second you made a committment to meeting her in real life. Which is what players tend to do. I call them players. Simple because they are playing games. They build you up. Play their little games. Then dump you just as quickly. But it is your own choice come the end of the day. I would ask her to make her mind up. But that only you can decide on.

[RustyKnight]

It sounds like she is enjoying herself online. Cybersex and the likes. There is only so far you take things online. You showed you were silling to committ and she seemed to back away. I have no doubt she would happy to keep you online. Not sure about offline though. Doesn't look like that will ever go anywhere. Just my opinion from experience. Seems like she back away the second you made a committment to meeting her in real life. Which is what players tend to do. I call them players. Simple because they are playing games. They build you up. Play their little games. Then dump you just as quickly. But it is your own choice come the end of the day. I would ask her to make her mind up. But that only you can decide on.

Interestingly, it's been HER that first brought up the idea of meeting in real life, a long time ago after we just started talking online. But her phobia of meeting people has delayed this. She is not a player, i have seen those and her behaviour would not fit that pattern.

No i believe she believes she is currently unable to try to have a relationship with me, all i can do now is back off and hope she comes to me to talk about finding a solution for her worries. And hope her feelings for me do not fade in the mean time.

[Irishmanwrites]

I cannot for the life of me believe what I am reading here. This is very very difficult on you.

I briefly when I was younger and single dabbled in the Internet dating. I would never dream of telling my wife or friends this, but I did in my early twenties.

I came across the exact same situation you did and moved away from it fast. as in within a few days. We met in the end after I told her I bluntly I was not going to date a girl through a computer screen. We didn't get on . I wasn't attracted to her and her description and image were falsely portrayed.

A few interesting add on points. The above happened another half a dozen times until I logged off. I'm not going to be appreciated here, but this is a farce. You are not living in the real world here. My advice is walk away. There are so many women looking for dates and long term relationships across the globe.

Sure use Internet dating, but don't date the Internet.Your a single man and have no girlfriend. Move on from this.

[RustyKnight]

I cannot for the life of me believe what I am reading here. This is very very difficult on you.
--Snip--
Sure use Internet dating, but don't date the Internet.Your a single man and have no girlfriend. Move on from this.

The funny part is that all of this has been easy for me until the break, and i have really enjoyed the relationship so far. Her image and description both check out, i have seen and talked to her family and some of her good friends. I have seen her pictures, and lots of communication between us has been through voicechat and webcams. So i have gotten a pretty good impression of her daily habits, personality, way of speaking and behaving. The only thing missing is physical contact, and she isnt afraid of physical contact itself, but she is absolutely terrified for a first real life meeting.

And well, trust is a vital part of any relationship, online or not. And i trust that the reason why she's afraid/unable to meet me is because a year before she met me, she agreed to meet a friend she made online, someone from the other side of the city she lives in. They agreed to meet up in a public place for a drink. Insted an older man showed up, she left right away because she sended trouble, but he stalked her and attempted to sexually assault her. She fought him off and got away with scrapes and bruises. She filed a report with the police but they never caught the guy.

As you can imagine, this implanted the specific phobia of 'meeting people from the internet' in her. We met when i was chatting and playing videogames together with her brother, and she often watched us when she was sitting next to her brother. She sometimes played these videogames aswell and mistaking her for her brother, i sometimes tried talking to 'him' but not getting any reply. Turns out she had a bit of a crush on me but was afraid of talking back to me because of what it might lead to. Eventually her curiosity got the better of her and we started chatting and well, we fell in love. At the time she figured she would be able to overcome her phobia but it turned out to be harder than she thought.

So calling it a farce, well no, i disagree on that but i do truly understand what you are referring to and warning me about. Maybe im terribly naive and stubborn like heck, or maybe i really love this woman after a few wonderful years and want to see it through till the end.

As i said, the immediate issue is the 'break' we are on. From her perspective she has only gotten a proper break since 3-4 days ago, since i stopped periodically talking about her reasons for wanting a break, and needs time till she feels ready to come to me to talk about 'fixing things'.

What i am struggling with, and why i made this thread, is the worry that maybe she doesnt come to me to fix things, how do i behave and interact with her until she wants to talk about it, and how i convince her that it's worth trying and fighting for.

[Cuchculan]

On the internet it is not the person that people fall for. It is the words. If I use me as a classic example. I love to joke about. Over the years that has got me loads of attention online. The amount of females that wanted to get closer to me. Not because of what I looked like. Or they knew me. They just loved the way I went on. I would make them laugh. I would know how to use nice words. I wasn't leading anybody on at all. I made it very clear that I was not into this online dating lark. Then they would back away. Online you have the chase. Getting the person to like you. To want only you. Once the chase is over, then what? You have the dreams. Could we ever meet? You may agree. It may go on for a while longer. Because you have not made plans or set a date. Finally you set a date. Then changes begin. Cold feet set in by one or other of the parties. In this case she has got the cold feet. The agroraphobia is a good excuse. Had she not have had that I think she still would have found some excuse. I simply can't see it ever happening. You are dreaming. Nice dream to have. But she is slowly backing out of it. Pushing you further and further away each day. That is typical of the sort who only want to take it so far. Then put a sudden halt to it. I have seen it all before. Not with me. With others. The two I did get close to I met. It took a meeting to show me they were not for me. But I know loads of others who dated online and never met the person. The person always backed away once a date was set. And that is what I see here.

[constantmover]

RustyKnight,

I'm going to be completely frank with you...You've come here for advice about a girl you met on the internet who has an anxiety disorder and everyone has given their point of view as to what you might consider doing.  Your responses to anything said about her in a negative way, are excuses for this girl's behaviour.  It's time to stop making excuses for her and recognize that you are living a fantasy and she is too.  Do you really want to live your life in a fantasy relationship or in a real one?  That is what you have to figure out.  If it is to hang on to this girl, who isn't going to change for you or become more accessible to you, then off you go and good luck, you'll need it.

From my perspective, this isn't a relationship, it is a fantasy and you are both getting off on it in some way.  You want to meet, she doesn't and is using her disorder as an excuse....To be completely blunt, move on.  There is nothing that has been left unsaid on this subject.  You have received advice from some who think you should give her a chance and many others who think not.  Now it is up to you to decide what is best for you.  Try to make your decision without making excuses for the girl's behaviour.  Recognize that what she is saying to you is she is comfortable with being just friends with benefits and figure out in your own mind if that is what you want...Or do you want a real relationship with a real girl who doesn't live in another country or even if you meet someone on the internet, make sure it is someone who is willing to meet early on in the relationship so that you don't waste time on someone who isn't right for you.  Obviously, you can see that I think you've receive enough information on here to make a  good decision, but I can't help but leave you with this comment and this is the last I will say on this topic....Stop wasting you time, block this girl from getting in touch with you and move on.  You would not only be doing yourself a favour, but her as well. 

[RustyKnight]

Obviously, you can see that I think you've receive enough information on here to make a  good decision, but I can't help but leave you with this comment and this is the last I will say on this topic....Stop wasting you time, block this girl from getting in touch with you and move on.  You would not only be doing yourself a favour, but her as well.

Ok. Goodbye, and thanks anyway.

I do not feel i have gotten enough information on how to maximize the chance of me and my GF getting back togheter and meeting up in real life. Only that i should give up.

I guess the points people made on these boards are clear enough. Im living a fantasy and should remove this girl from my life...feels like saying grass is blue insted of green. 

[Irishmanwrites]

Hello again,

You are getting very good advice here. I accept you have seen her, chatted to her brother and some friends and know a lot about her, but in another way you know absolutely nothing about her. Everybodys traits are unique to them, they can't be explained by that person by words on a screen or descriptions or a picture painted. You have to be with the person to see and feel what they are like. You haven't spent a moment with the girl, you know her only through a computer screen. How we are in our life is so different to how we describe.

Let's say you meet her, there will be huge adrenalin rushes, but after that settles, what next. Relationships are very difficult and complicated when entered. Add the pressure that this is potentially yout life partner from the screen interaction and your in a bubble.

The unfortunate reality is you won't meet this girl. Cuchculan has explained this well, so I won't go over it. CM has an excellent post on this too, rec well deserved,. Your online girl won't be meeting you. There are so many single women looking for a decent man in every country. Go and meet someone close to home. Even use the net, but try a dating site and meet within a week, the longer interaction is based online, the less chance of an ultimately successful relationship.

You can and will meet someone, you won't meet this girl too. Make your life a lot easier and make the decision that I'd argue is deep down inside you. Perhaps why you came here really? End this online relationship, step out and enjoy meeting some genuine ladies closer to home.

What's for you won't pass you.