Trying SO hard, living life with OCD since age 3. H.A. Comes back

[Guitarcad1991]

Some of you have read my posts, recently, within the past week, I've been working everyday because I just got a new job. It has taken my mind off of things. At the same time, I hate coming back here(it's not MY HOME, I'm staying with a relative for the past 4 months), everytime I do, I get that dark, sad, feeling, and instantly resume thinking about health fears. I'm a 19 year old guy, and I'll be honest I spent the majority of my childhood worrying, obsessing, being afraid, going to over 16 different psychologists, being on terrible medications, crying myself to sleep well into my teenage years, and seldom can I find a memory in my mind that is not tainted by these things. I suppose waiting this long for the progress(1 1/2 decades) is alot worse than being patient just a little longer until I can be totally checked out by a doctor. Still have never had that physical I want so much. OCD still, after almost 20 years of life, likes to pick and choose when he's gonna show up, it just seems like; "Yesterday Chris had a decent day, that can't go unpunished, let's go make him worry about scleroderma, tumors, skin cancer, intestinal/stomach disease and prostate/testicle cancer, since he already kicked my 0104 about the whole brain tumor thing".

I can just feel myself unknowling slipping and sliding through different levels of awareness of what my OCD does to me. In all reality, I HAVE health insurance, my doctor is AWARE that I have several things I would like to discuss with him, he knows some of the specific issues. I just don't have appointments made, and I don't want to have to be doing this in the first place. In the event that I do have something he can help me with/fix, then it's important for me to go, in the event that I don't have anything going on(which I feel I SHOULD be able to know on my own, but honestly, I can't...) then it's still mandatory so that I feel secure and safe and don't waste anymore brainwidth on this topic that I've been stuck on for years.

So what am I actually worried about? I can say, perhaps this is a little bold to just self-diagnose, but having lived in this brain for my whole life I can feel I can confidently say that, I simply a victim of trauma. Too much pain in too short of a life, has left me very fearful, I won't go into my past relating to my childhood in a "family sense", maybe there's a different place for that on this site.

I appreciate the support I have gotten here, I truly do.

-Christopher

[Guitarcad1991]

Stressing out bad. I need to get all of these things checked up on...I'm losing it again! Dangit!

 

I hope I can have this all squared away by my birthday(November) or Christmas....If I don't I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do...

[adriann2010]

I've had the same problems my whole life. I was more of a hypochondriac when I was younger (I'm 19, as well). All throughout my childhood I constantly worried about cancer, dying, and other uncurable illnesses/diseases. My parents never really acknowledged it and when they did it was always "stop worrying so much." I don't think they realized how big of a problem it really was. I think if I could have gotten some help then, I might be fine now. I have never been to a doctor for my problems, but I have self-diagnosed and am to the point of giving in and going to the doctor. My OCD has gotten worse now that I have a child for some reason and it seems like it's constantly on my mind more than it's ever been. I just joined this site today hoping for some support or at least hoping to find someone with similar "problems" to me. If you'd like to talk, I'm here! I know I would personally like to be able to talk to someone that could understand what I'm going through, because no one around me does!

-Adriann

[Guitarcad1991]

i understand alot. I've lived my whole life like this